I suspect my husband has BPD

[SmilingRuby]

I am here because I have been married for nearly 4 unhappy years. My husband and I dated for a year before getting married. While we were dating my husband was warm, soft, loving. He regularly brought me flowers and wrote me poems. I was attracted to his patience, kindness and constant joy.

Shortly after our wedding he changed drastically. He became moody, constantly stressed out, would yell at me with uncontrolled rage. While he has never been physically abusive, he has become verbally abusive to a degree that I never thought was possible. At first I dismissed it as being caused by stress (his mother was battling cancer, the house he owned was in foreclosure) but the verbal abuse and criticism has continued even though our life is relatively calm now.

Almost daily for the past 4 years he has gotten upset with me about something I said, did, didn't say, didn't do, the way I looked at him, the way I closed a door, the music I listen to, the tv shows I watch etc. etc. etc. I used to have a healthy self esteem, but he has caused me to doubt my worth, sanity and value. Lately, he claims at random times my 'energy' towards him has shifted. He is convinced that I am embarrassed to be with him and that I want to leave him.

A week ago we were attending church and he got up in the middle of the service, went to the back and did not come back to his seat. He said my 'energy' shifted and he wasn't comfortable being near me. Yesterday, we were at home happily and light-heartedly talking. (There are still some good times, although usually short lived) He made a comment about not being able to find the garbage can. I heard him, but I didn't make a reply. I just didn't think of anything to say back to him. He suddenly went into a rage, telling me that if I didn't want to be with him I should just leave. He called me a liar, manipulator and all the other names he usually calls me.

I started searching the internet about mood swings and came across the symptoms of BPD. My husband fits about 4 1/2 of the 9 symptoms. I also found this website and Stop Walking on Eggshells which I am in the process of reading. I was in tears after reading just the first few pages because I could relate to so many of the experiences. My family and friends know that our marriage has had problems, but they don't know the extent of my husband's mood swings and verbal abuse . I haven't told anyone because I don't want anyone to see him in a bad light. So, when we around others I put on a smile and pretend like I am ok. I am hoping that here I can share my experiences and get some much needed support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Smiling Ruby,

I can relate so much to what you wrote! I was cautious in starting the relationship. Thought I hadn't jumped in too quickly. With time I started noticing something was “off” in my SO’s behavior, but I always had other things to attribute it to, and I thought it would go away. At first I just thought he was the kind of person who bottled up anger and then kind of exploded. It was hard. Eventually it just started to seem so obvious he was having mood swings.  He does not really have all the symptoms, or I didn’t think so from the outside. To my surprise he thought he had even more of them then I realized or noticed! Who knows what he has really, I have just been learning to deal with the symptoms... .

So, anyway, glad you found us here! This is a great place to share experiences and get support. There is no need for us to suffer alone! There is even a chance you can, if not make things better, at least not make them worse! It’s a process.

Have you had a chance to read about any of the communication tools here yet? What did you think after reading Stop Walking on Eggshells?

with compassion, pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Smiling Ruby and let me second pearlsw in welcoming you!   She is totally right in saying you don't need to suffer alone.

I'm very sorry to hear about all you've been through. Regardless of whether your husband gets a BPD diagnosis, his behavior is extremely dysregulated and the stuff about the energy even points to some dissociation. That must be very frightening and exhausting and lonely for you. This is not the kind of problems most people around us face.

Regarding your friends and family, I deeply understand not wanting to paint your spouse in a bad light and putting on the smile. My wife and I would paint a perfect family portrait during calls (she even fed me scripts), then she was screaming at me as soon as the Facetime clicked off. I held off for 10 years from telling anyone about what was happening, even after they saw some pretty wild behavior for themselves. I didn't even tell my best friend until yesterday. The support and resources I've received from everyone has been totally unexpected and has helped me grow closer to them than hiding my problems ever did.

So, your family and friends know there are some problems, and its likely they've seen a little of your husband's behavior. Telling them he's mentally ill and not a bad person might actually paint him in a better light. And you might be surprised to learn your family had already suspected as much.

What do you think about the above? If you were to tell someone, who would be first and why?

All the best,
~ROE

[SmilingRuby]

Pearlsw: Thank you for the kind words of support. I am very new to this website, the book and the world of BPD. I haven't the chance to explore all of the tools and info in here. As for the book, I am still reading the first chapter. I am taking it slow to be able to understand as much as possible. Already I am beginning to view my husband with more compassion.

ROE: Thank you also for your support and for sharing your experience. I will give serious thought to talking to a friend or family member. You are right, my family has noticed that my husband seems to be overly sensitive about things. One time we were staying with my parents (we live across the country from them) and my husband felt like my mom was 'acting differently' towards him, (My mom and I had gone shopping and he thought I had been talking bad about him to my mom) so he left the room and went into the guest bedroom for a while. Of course, my mom asked if he she had done anything to upset him and I told her what my husband thought was happening. I don't think any of my friends or family have witnessed his verbal abuse though. Thank you very much for the advice

~SmilingRuby~

[pearlsw]

Hi SmilingRuby,

Oh great! Hope you stick around and get to know us here. Post on others posts and they'll post on yours and you'll find in time you'll have more and more support and understanding than you could have imagined!

Like your avatar by the way. That wasn't here earlier was it? Those cute insects are considered very lucky in the part of the world I live in.

Are you having a calm week or are things rough at home at the moment?

warmly, pearl.

[SmilingRuby]

Pearlsw,

Thanks, I am excited to learn more about BPD and how to implement strategies to deal with my husband and how to process my own emotions and take care of my own emotional and mental health. This week has been relatively calm. Since Sunday there has been 1 major rage, 1 medium level and 2 minor ones. I am learning to stay calm and not react or try to defend myself against his accusations. Instead I verbally acknowledge how he is feeling and try to listen. This seems to be working lately.

~SmilingRuby~

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Smiling Ruby, you can take your time in talking to family. For me, facing my wife's illness has been a day by day, week by week process. There are certain things I knew I should do but wasn't internally ready to do them. My guess is you will have a moment when your heart tells you its time to talk.

You are right, my family has noticed that my husband seems to be overly sensitive about things.

You might be surprised to find they've noticed a lot more. My wife had a huge blowout with my family two summers ago. Since I've spoken to family about her BPD, they all revealed that they had suspected a mental illness. It was kind of a relief for them for me to stop hiding it.

Sharing also might reveal other unexpected things. My aunt - whose since become my closest confidante on what's happening - told me she had shared about my wife's behavior with her therapist, who had lots of interesting feedback on my wife's negative behavior towards my FOO (family of origin). She also told me my cousin, her son, had been in a BPD relationship. Big surprise there!

FOO is the biggest trigger for my wife. One phone call with my dad and brother last Sunday and silent treatment for close to a week along with a host of other passive aggressively abusive behaviors.

What triggered your husband's recent rages? Do have any insight into what's beneath them?

~ROE

[Perry Nomastic]

Ruby, welcome! I’m new here, too, and your story is a carbon copy of mine, except mine has the added drama of alcohol abuse.

My husband did quit drinking after the second time he was involuntarily committed as suicidal, but his BPD behavior crept back into our lives, even though he was in weekly therapy. He had a previous therapist who suggested he was BPD, so he quit seeing her and found someone else who told him what he wanted to hear.

We did attend a 3 month Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Couples course late last year, but that has been his only exposure to DBT. He did not benefit much from the course, and pretty much rejected the mindfulness and self-validation techniques.

We are now separated and I am preparing to move forward; he has made his mind up that we are equally bad for each other.

Books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, and Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder were helpful to me in understanding what was happening with him and suggesting a more validating approach in dealing with his “meltdowns.”

I would also recommend Lundy Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.”  There is a reason why he turns his anger on you, and it’s not just the pain of his disorder.

Best of luck; there is a lot of good support here.