Did i push too much?

[juju2]

Hi family,

wondering if i pushed too much, am only communicating by email.
Now he wants to come over, put in the fawcett, trim the tree!

i also told him he has three months to start getting his stuff, he wants to come over and get the stuff from the inside of the house!
i feel like staying the course, inside house too much for me now.  I had it in mind to box up his stuff on the inside, he can pick up the boxes when he wishes... .i really dont want him here w me, boxing up stuff.  Too sad for me.

I guess he is really done, if he is actually getting his stuff fm me... .i don't know what he is doing.

Is this good or bad news?

Was going to hear response from you all and respond to his email tomorrow.

thank you so much,  j

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[pearlsw]

Hi juju2,

How do you feel about him doing those things for you around the outside of the house? I would take that as a sign of wanting friendship. He may not want a romance, but he does seem to want a friendship.

Do you want him as a friend? Are you punishing him in a way for not wanting a romance, or not feeling as you do? Just something to consider.

warmly, pearl.

[juju2]

I dont know pearl.  I really dont want to be friends, told him that during the coffee, after i ran out, when i was getting into my vehicle... .so he knows this.

He wants to come inside the house.  That for me is too much, right now... .
so i dont know why he is doing all of this now.

I think its too much at once am not ready.

Am going to wait a day or two to get back to him on that.  see nothing wrong w finding out how i feel and taking my time... .  i do feel good about expressing myself.

Thank you for your response

[pearlsw]

Hi juju2,

You saw him, but ran off after a conversation? Literally "ran off"? Or just figuratively?

It is okay juju, we're here to support. It is okay to not know how to be friends with our ex, to want them, not want them, it takes time to sort out feelings! 

~pearl.

[juju2]

I said, i have to go, have things to get done before work.  Got up, walked quickly to my vehicle.

i was shocked he wanted me to watch our dog, when he wanted to go away, "we are going out of town... ."  he nvr said "we are... ." before to me.  We had an agreement in counseling to not discuss outside relationships.  He buttered me up two weeks before this... .

We already covered this, i said i wont watch the dog, its too hard for me, this was february.  His only other person, K. has refused to watch him, he must have bit him too.  He bit my dtr, the last time we went away, december, recovery weekend.  So the dog is an upset animal.

 He doesnt want to risk taking him somewhere, he has his shots, but he will bite.  They may want to turn him to animal control and put him down.  Both of us love that dog.
Oh well.   another thing to deal with.

  I thought about letting him know i will take the dog, and i will keep him.  Those are my terms.  I d k. 

so he texted me he cant go, he has no one to watch the dog... .(.this was before i asked him to just email me.)  i didnt respond to the text.

i feel like its an issue he has to solve.

[juju2]

So he emailed me, wants to put in the fawcett, trim the tree outside, get the stuff inside the house.

Am thinking of responding," thank you for the offers to install the fawcett and trim the tree.  I appreciate those offers very much.  I cannot accept these offers."

"Also, i will put all of your personal items in the 3rd b/r, you have the key to the b/r, the outside door.  I am closing off the 3rd b/r from the rest of the house, you can get your things when you wish.  Same goes for the things in the carport, backyard."

Sincerely,  me"

i just want to make this easiest on me.  I have told him that i cannot be his friend.  For me, it would be hard to have him over here doing work.

He has chosen to go on with his life, it is up to me to choose, how do i want to live my life?

I have been seeing him, each week now for months for coffee.  At this point, if all he wants is friends, i cant provide that.

Please weigh in my family.

Thank you.

j

[pearlsw]

Hi juju,

It's okay not to remain friends if it is too painful! It really is.

There is no need for you to expose yourself to an unhappy situation!

Maybe you want to have a clearer time frame for his picking things up? What about the keys? Do you want the keys back too?

Are you sure what this is what you want?

take care, pearl.

[juju2]

I dont know pearl.

I feel like he is giving mixed signals.  Time will tell.

I am sure that i will go w my safety on what works for me.  This is new!

[pearlsw]

Is it possible he is giving mixed signals because he has mixed feelings? Or he is firmly only interested in friendship? Has he ever explicitly stated his preference?

I know how painful it is as relationships with people we love start taking on new forms.   Sorry you are hurting!

[juju2]

Hi Pearl

At the beginning of counseling, he said he was interested in friendship.  That was nov.  I said i am interested in more.

[SunandMoon]

Dear Juju

I'm sorry this is so hard for you. It's painful when a relationship ends.

At the beginning of counseling, he said he was interested in friendship.  That was nov.  I said i am interested in more.

I think he was honest when you were doing counselling together. I also remember that the therapist took you aside to warn you that she thought he was using you for the purpose of storing his things at your house.

That's an unusual step for a therapist, so there must have been things said that prompted her to warn you.

We had an agreement in counseling to not discuss outside relationships.

I don't understand why? Asking him about his relationship would give you clarity about where you stand. If he's in another relationship, happy and moving on, at least you know the truth - as painful as that is.

 He buttered me up two weeks before this... .

But did he? If he was acting on the basis of just being friends, he may not have been buttering you up. He was being nice, offering to do things for you. He asked you to do something for him. That's what friends do.

I understand that this is not the way you hoped things would go. I've seen a lot of your posts and know that you still care and are hoping to reconcile. Also that you blame a lot of this on his BPD.

But sometimes, love dies and relationships end. It has nothing to do with BPD; it happens to nons too. It's terribly sad and painful, especially if one partner wants it to work.

If this is the case, I think he's handled it really well for a pwBPD.

I'm sorry... .this probably isn't what you want to hear

[juju2]

Hi family,
Pearl, he is still mixed up, wanting to come over.  I said last time we got together, i cant be your friend.

Sun, thank you, the therapist told me her opinion at an indiv. session.

The funny thing is, for about 8 months, before we separated, i was "done"w him, that was july 2016-april 2017, mentally, everything.  It wasnt until we had been separated that i really saw my part, his part, what our r/s had going for it, all the things we had been thru, all the good times.

Maybe because my thinking had been distorted, i have understanding around if his thinking is distorted... .and during that time, he was extra caring, giving, etc, and mentally i was just so done... .now i can hardly believe i did that, thought that.  I was horrible to him, snd he was great to me... .tables are reversed now in a way.

I dont know anything for sure, now.  Am taking it one day at a time... .i have asked him to get his things, he has three months... .i see my sponsor tomorrow, will see what she shares. 

Thank you family for your support, j

[juju2]

so once i got to my senses, in april last year, i love bombed him.  We went on over 7 trips, to the ocean, all over, i spent a fortune.  So i dont know why he went w me if he was done.  I wouldnt go w someone i didnt care for.  Slept in one bed, spent all that time together.  I think this is a very trying time, patience is required on my part, and no expectations.

he gave 100% during the time i checked out, and i am giving 100% now, although am starting to back away, his ph is blocked, am only communicating via email.

Am very thankful to this community.