NC Question: Totally Ignore texts / calls or minimal reply?

[uni_all]

Would it be better for me to just ignore my ex BPDgf with no reply or have some minimal reply, maybe even days later?

I want and need to detach from this relationship. I want her to disengage and stop reaching out to me.

Since our last breakup about 3 months ago, she occasionally will text, call, and even has dropped things off in my mailbox at the street.

I have tried blocking her texts / calls and she finds a way around the blocks, actually not difficult to do. For various reasons, I can not change my number.

I have read the article about No Contact, the right way and wrong way. It seems to imply... .slow it down, less contact over time, get them to disengage ... .somehow ... .

So, how do I get her to disengage?

[spero]

Hi uni_all,

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you. 

Would it be better for me to just ignore my ex BPDgf with no reply or have some minimal reply, maybe even days later?

I want and need to detach from this relationship. I want her to disengage and stop reaching out to me.

I have read the article about No Contact, the right way and wrong way. It seems to imply... .slow it down, less contact over time, get them to disengage ... .somehow ... .

So, how do I get her to disengage?

Well, i suppose the first question i'd ask is, are you ready to let go for this relationship?
To answer your specific question on getting her to disengage. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can really get her to not contact you. That being said, your position of no response will eventually speak to her.

Hope that helps,
Spero

[uni_all]

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you.

Thank you!

are you ready to let go for this relationship?

Yes, I want and need to detach from this relationship.

your position of no response will eventually speak to her.

Thank you for your input letting me know that it would be OK to ignore her texts and calls. For now, that is what I am going to do.

The article on "No Contact, The right way and the wrong way" mentions
"The silent treatment is not good - it is often characterized by professionals as an emotional manipulation; an abusive action in and of itself."

I do not want to be mean or do anything that would be considered abusive. That is not me. However, I do need to disengage and move on.

If I respond at all, a few days will have passed and it will be short.

Again, thank you!

[EdR]

Hi there!

An important difference between Silen Treatment and No Contact is the intention. One is to hurt and punish, the other to protect.

To the recipient both could feel the same though, therefore it is quite important to let the other person now you are going NC and explain why.
Sometimes that just isn't possible, but in most scenarios that's probably a golden rule of NC.

[Husband321]

Total no contact was too hard for me.  I wouldn't contact her, but I would reply to her contacting me. 

After a while I would reply a few days later.  A week later. Until I got to the point I am fine if she contacts me or not.  It's been about 5 months.

[Wicker Man]

My undiagnosed BPD ex fiancé and I have been no contact for nearly 6 months.  The last time I looked, which I have since promised myself I would no longer do, was 2 weeks ago. 

Since our last conversation when we agreed we would never speak again she has posted a daily count down of veiled message for me on Instagram with hash tags of '#waiting' and '#engaged' amongst others -all sweet and respectful.  E.g. ':)ay 145 Staying strong to be your girl' and so froth.  She is, to the best of my knowledge, still wearing my Mother's engagement ring. --It is heart rending. 

My therapist has informed me this can go on for quite a while with some people suffering from BPD.  I have remained no contact for several reasons one of which is to not 'reset' her healing clock. 

She needs to begin to heal from our relationship breaking down and I believe any contact from me would be seen as a sign of 'hope' and start her grieving process all over again.  It is painful, and I miss her -but it is, in my opinion, best for both of us.

To be clear.  This is not a stunt, power grab, or ploy.  I will never see her again.  I wish her the best, still have love for the beautiful part of her, and hope one day she can find a safe, healthy and loving relationship.

@uni_all I hope this may be of some help in the decision you are facing --I can appreciate the difficulty.


Wicker Man

[vale46]

I want and need to detach from this relationship. I want her to disengage and stop reaching out to me.

Answered your own questions there buddy. You know what to do if you want this to happen.
NC all the way. You're only delaying the inevitable long term hurt. I would give a 'final reply' and let her know you are going no contact to get your head straight. I wouldn't just disappear and let her find out she has been blocked. Thats one of their antics and you have morals.

[vale46]

Since our last conversation when we agreed we would never speak again she has posted a daily count down of veiled message for me on Instagram with hash tags of '#waiting' and '#engaged' amongst others -all sweet and respectful.  E.g. ':)ay 145 Staying strong to be your girl' and so froth. 

Had to laugh at this. Just before i blocked my ex fiance too on facebook, obviously i had to do a search for her because she removed me as a friend, and i came across some of the posts she tagged me in when it was my birthday and when we got engaged. "Happy Birthday to my one and only amazing Fiance. Cant wait to see you later baby". What a crock! I actually wrote a comment that said 'the words of a skilled actress... .all lies from beginning to end!'.  Then i blocked her . Probably not the greatest thing to do but who cares. She is blocked on pretty much everything now and literally hasn't a hope of ever contacting me again. Life learning experience never to be repeated.

[Cromwell]

She wont fully disengage unless it comes to a point where you are painted black and she has someone else to fulfill her emotional needs. Then you wont hear from her, until, those things change in the future at which point dont be surprised to get a facebook message out of nowhere.

If you are totally resolved in yourself (I know that I am not yet), that you are able and wanting to move on and not have her play a part in your life whatsoever, then a message worded to that effect and then most importantly, a firm commitment on your part to abide by it.

mixed messages are the worst, I reestablished contact after 8 months of NC and its going to be hard to separate again. She will remember that regardless of what happened, the option is there and likely that I will have her in my life again. I could have been emotionally free by now if I had remained consistent, as she had built up an alternative 'support' network, now ive just became an extension of it.

Does she have other people that she can use as a crutch, or would going no contact at this moment cause her to be left stranded? Its not a nice place at all for her if that is the case. If she has other people to rely on, take that opportunity now to detach but do it decisively and make the commitment to yourself not to waver if she gets back in contact again, in time she will understand that in your case it really is over for good.

These texts here and there are interpreted by her as still showing an interest, still being available and not the actions of someone who doesnt want to be part of her life anymore. Which suits her, but doesnt match up with your goals in moving forward.

[gilac]

She wont fully disengage unless it comes to a point where you are painted black and she has someone else to fulfill her emotional needs. Then you wont hear from her, until, those things change in the future at which point dont be surprised to get a facebook message out of nowhere.

This is so true, mine was playing with me until she found new toys to play with, as soon as she did that at the same day she offended me and blocked me on fb. It's one month since the NC started and indeed she has zero interest in any kind of contact. Unfortunate for me, it ended with me still being nice to her, she never met my angrier and dissapointed side and that will probably play a big role once she faces another relationship breakdown because she will remember me as someone who didn't get quite angry towards her.

[Wicker Man]

Unfortunate for me, it ended with me still being nice to her, she never met my angrier and dissapointed side and that will probably play a big role once she faces another relationship breakdown because she will remember me as someone who didn't get quite angry towards her.

@Gilac I don't understand how this is unfortunate for you.  It should be something to be proud of.  You showed love, care and restraint throughout your relationship -you upheld your side of the relationship.  I can honestly say I never raised my voice to my BPD ex.  Never called her a name and never put her down.  ok... .her nickname became 'small devil' which is usually reserved for misbehaving children, but she accepted this with a laugh.  I was 'Monster' and she was 'small devil'.  Her grandparents laughed nearly to crying when they heard that was what I called her.

There was plenty of anger and did not feel the need to add anymore.  I would speak calmly and let her rage burn itself out -not rewarding it.  I am hoping my silence now will do the same --since she is not receiving any 'reward' from her attempts to passively contact me, the behavior will, at some point, become extinguished. 

She is, first and foremost, a fellow human being.  She is suffering and in immense pain, but I believe she can at some level grieve our loss.
1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.  Since she is still wearing our engagement ring she is still stuck in stages 1 and 4 of the grieving process, in my opinion.

... .because she will remember me... .

This is why I have extreme pity for my ex.  She will remember who and what she pushed away.  I am very afraid her family will be hard on her too.  At one point I was away shooting a movie in the US and she was on a 4 day rage -her grandparents walked into her room while we were on a video call and told her 'We are happy you two are together, he is good and good for you.  Stop yelling at him.  They could not understand what she was saying, but knew she had been yelling at me for an hour.'  --So yes.  I will be remembered and that makes me sad.  We both had a lot of hope and dreams for our relationship.

Back to the point of uni_all original post.  You can not 'get her to disengage'.  She will have to do this of her own volition.  In my opinion the only tool you have at your disposal is to not 'reward' her attempts to contact you. This is presuming you actually wish to fully disengage. 

If you respond once in a while you end up putting her on a Variable reward schedule -like a slot machine.  Sometimes it pays.  This is the most enticing of all the reward schedules -it trains people the fastest and it is the most difficult to extinguish the behavior.  So a slow trickle of response will most likely add a lot more energy to the system than you might think.

If you miss you ex anywhere as badly as I miss mine it will also make your healing more difficult.  Lets take smoking as an example.  When I left my ex I also quit smoking.  It was something we shared and I had to stop both simultaneously for my own health -mental and physical wellbeing. 

Quitting smoking is actually quite easy... .  Just don't buy anymore cigarettes and 'presto' you are quit.  Ok... .so I have quit... .I miss them (the girl and the cigarettes), but since neither are available to me I am able to slowly extinguish the craving.


Wicker Man

[Skip]

Thankfully, the near constant thoughts of her 24/7 has subsided for now... .

As you said earlier.no contact is hard on both of you and you have done this now, four times, and then gotten back together.

The battle on detaching is as much with you as it is with her - which i often the case.

There is a trade off... .and its not about being a nice guy... .you can be a nice guy in whatever you choose. The tradeoff if the tempering the shock of leaving (using the Husband321 method below) vs ending the recycling (your norm as a couple) and going silent to her inquiries.

In actuality, its sounds like each recycle has made it clearer to both of you that the relationship is both too good to leave and too bad to stay... .and in each wave you are slowly disconnecting more. That is what you are expressing when you say, you don't think there is a positive future.

Total no contact was too hard for me.  I wouldn't contact her, but I would reply to her contacting me. 

After a while I would reply a few days later.  A week later. Until I got to the point I am fine if she contacts me or not.  It's been about 5 months.

This works and is a good strategy if you are strong enough to not be responding in hopes of getting another response and sitting around waiting to hear back.

[gilac]

@wicker man

When I said "unfortunate" I meant that she will more likely try to contact me first as soon she hits a wall again because for her my opinion is still "I want to be in contact with you". That's what she was reading until the end, no rage or any of that stuff. I'll probably be the first on her list as the "nicest one who still yearns for me".

[Wicker Man]

When I said "unfortunate" I meant that she will more likely try to contact me first as soon she hits a wall again... .

I understand.  Thank you for your clarification.  I still stand by my statement that you should be proud of yourself for taking the highroad and remaining true to yourself as a compassionate human being.

I ended my relationship with as much compassion as I could. Hard in the best of circumstances. 


Wicker Man

[gilac]

I agree with your statement and I'm aware of that positive side. It's one thing if someone else is honest with you, but if you're honest with yourself, that is what counts first! That makes me stronger in times like this, I know that I was compassionate with the one I loved until the very end.