Mother with uBPD (First Timer)

[haiz]

Hello All,
I am not sure where to start... .I have never really done this before.
I am from the Middle East and I'm 22 years old. I have a very very long story so I'm sorry in advance!

Just some background information:
First of all, My siblings and I were physically and emotionally abused by my mother throughout our childhood. The emotional/verbal abuse still happens today although the physical stopped. (Just because my mother grew older and is not capable of hitting us).

My father had Multiple Sclerosis and was very passive throughout my life- he didn't really care- My mom was the dominant one who made all decisions and runs the house. She separated my father in 2010, however, lived in the same house but separate rooms (very very bad move- so much tension in the house).
He was then diagnosed with Cancer and passed away a year ago. During this time we were the care takers of my father.

My mother is an alcoholic and I believe she suffers with BPD, and here is why:

1) She does not have stable friends, she strives for power constantly and thinks she is above everyone else. (Shes had at least 6 different groups of friends from what I remember- all left because of how rude or mean she is)

2) She is not happy with anything we say or do- we have to do whatever she says and cannot have an opinion of our own

3) She always wants us to be home- she has not left the house for over two weeks now, and expects us to stay home and do nothing with her. If we want to see our friends- they are forced to come over and sit with her too. If we say we are going out- she becomes passive aggressive with us and gets mad.

4) She makes us all feel guilty for leaving her alone at home- when she actually has the option to go out but doesnt want to.

5) When she drinks, we all try to avoid her because any word we say wrong can go completely against us for a long time.

6) "Benefit of the doubt" does not exist in her head. If someone doesn't pick up the phone, or doesn't answer her- she automatically assumes the person is bad or out to get her- but in reality, they just weren't listening.

I dont doubt that my mom loves us, I know she does (even though she favors one bi-monthly), but she is too much- and her actions/thinking are not of a typical mother.
I'm here asking for help. I dont know what to do. I feel like Im held in prison while all my friends are having fun in their 20's. Again, Im from the Middle East so family is such a big deal, I cant just leave my house. I need ways to cope and strategies to help my siblings and I.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi haiz,

Welcome!   I'm glad you shared your story with us. It definitely sounds as if your mom has some of the traits of a pwBPD. I can tell you've read up on it, trying to make sense of what is going on. Where do you fall in the birth order with your siblings?

I know that family and honor and respect are huge issues in the part of the world where you live. That adds to the stress, doesn't it? I have an in law who is also from the Middle East so I have a bit of understanding.

Even though it sounds as if your mom does her best to cause you to each feel responsible for her feelings, do you understand that those are her feelings to own? Do you think she'll be mad whether you each do what she wants or not? In other words, it truly isn't what you do or not do that causes her anger. It is her choice.

I share that because I want to let you know that if you can begin to comprehend this inside yourself, that is one of the first steps to breaking free of the prison you feel you are in. The freedom within your mind is the beginning of freedom for your soul and spirit. 

I know what it means to not 'rock the boat' or cause someone to be mad because my mom was also an uBPD. It isn't easy to just step away from your mom (or me from my mom) because the anger can be terrible. We did all we could to try and ease that anger. That's why I wanted to give you a different place to start to think.

Have you looked at the list on the right hand side of our board? ---->>  Anything you click on opens up to more information.

P.ease keep sharing!

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hi haiz.  Let me join Wools and say welcome to the board!  You have found a place where a lot of people can relate and understand your situation.  Some people here are in the beginning of figuring things out and others are a further along but we all share and support each other so you are in an excellent place.  You mentioned you have siblings.  How many and how old are they?  Are you close to each other?

What Wools said here is excellent:

I share that because I want to let you know that if you can begin to comprehend this inside yourself, that is one of the first steps to breaking free of the prison you feel you are in. The freedom within your mind is the beginning of freedom for your soul and spirit.

  It is hard to change the way we think and react to our controlling mothers but it can be done and it starts inside of you. 

We have articles that outline how to improve communication with a disordered person (or any person really).  These techniques take practice but you can teach them to your siblings and they can help sometimes.  The first and IMO easiest is Don't JADE.  JADE stands for justify, argue, defend, explain.  When a person with BPD is dysregulating we often try to explain our point of view or defend ourself, but that usually comes off as invalidating to the person with BPD.  It can also give a certain amount of credibility to accusations if we spend a lot of time defending.  So it is recommended that you do not do those things, or explain once only, and then search for a validation target.  Validation can be tricky sometimes as you want to make sure you do not validate the invalid, but with practice, you can do it.  What often happens when we validate is that the person will feel heard and understood and can calm down or not get as dysregulated.  Validating does not mean we agree with them though.  You don't have to agree to validate.  The easiest thing, for me, is to validate a persons feelings as those are never invalid.

Using these is not about trying to control or appease your mother.  They are to make things easier and hopefully defuse a situation that is going downhill.  They don't always work but they work often enough to make it worth learning how to use them.  We have many other tools as well but those are the two easiest to deal with (IMO).  You can find more tools in our Library section of the site where we also have articles on Boundaries which are vital to learn about.  Often we do not learn what boundaries are or how to enforce them in healthy ways when we have a mentally disordered parent. 

I hope you take some time to read the articles and some others in our Library of tools.  You can gain a lot by posting and reading on this board.

If you have any questions, just ask.