Blow out

[Conflictedlover]

There was just a really bad argument. She found out I was in a support group and became very angry. She screamed and called me names, selfish, uncaring, unsupportive etc. she threw the door into the wall so many times there is a perfect round hole where the knob is. She kicked over a pile of books threw clothes and boxes everywhere and even threw her phone off the balcony. It was scary and she kept wanting me to talk or say something and I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do and I was scared. She said I wasn’t there for her and that it’s all about me and I’m not helping her I’m just throwing her to doctors and therapists. And that isn’t the case, they can help her I can’t I can only support her. She eventually went to work and a little while later she texted saying she’s sorry and all this stuff but I’m still sitting on my bed crying my eyes out. It was scary.

[Red5]

Conflictedlover,

This is classic BPD behavior... .you you you, this that and the other they will say, .crash bang boom... .oh' yes; I have fixed a lot of drywall in the last ten years... .

They say, .human nature goes in this manner.

When something threatening happens to us, right off the bat, our brain goes down a checklists, as it decides what to do,
*fright
*flight
*fight
*fawn

You went for "fright" as you froze.

What started the argument, looking back, was there anything you could have done different, what was the trigger?

Could you have;
*avoided
*redirected
*steered

There us a "tool" that is taught here, it is SET, this stands for;
*support
*empathy
*truth

As in... .she spools up, and starts to get angry, for whatever "reason"... .and she start to lose it (dysregulates)... .what do you do, if you stay, and she is still listening somewhat... .offer her support/empathy/truth... .ie' show empathy.

If this does not work, it is best to leave immediately, and get away, escape... .so as to not fall in for the inevitable fight.

Neither is going to win when things "go hot"... .

There is a lot of inner anger tied to BPD... .for many reasons.

Knowledge is power, learn all you can here about this phenomena called borderline personality disorder (BPD),

Learn from this, there is always a "chain of events" that preceded a "blowout".

Red5

[Conflictedlover]

Conflictedlover,

This is classic BPD behavior ... .you you you, this that and the other they will say, ... .crash bang boom ... .oh' yes; I have fixed a lot of drywall in the last ten years ... .

They say, ... .human nature goes in this manner.

When something threatening happens to us, right off the bat, our brain goes down a checklists, as it decides what to do,
*fright
*flight
*fight
*fawn

You went for "fright" as you froze.

What started the argument, looking back, was there anything you could have done different, what was the trigger?

Could you have;
*avoided
*redirected
*steered

There us a "tool" that is taught here, it is SET, this stands for;
*support
*empathy
*truth

As in... .she spools up, and starts to get angry, for whatever "reason" ... .and she start to lose it (dysregulates) ... .what do you do, if you stay, and she is still listening somewhat ... .offer her support/empathy/truth ... .ie' show empathy.

If this does not work, it is best to leave immediately, and get away, escape ... .so as to not fall in for the inevitable fight.

Neither is going to win when things "go hot" ... .

There is a lot of inner anger tied to BPD ... .for many reasons.

Knowledge is power, learn all you can here about this phenomena called borderline personality disorder (BPD),

Learn from this, there is always a "chain of events" that preceded a "blowout".

Red5

She was angry I joined a support group. She felt like that meant I didn’t care about her and I was going to other people instead of talking to her. And I shouldn’t be telling people what goes on in our life. Empathy almost never works she just says I’m treating her like a fragile human because of her disorder. And if I try to leave the situation she prevents me from doing so by getting in my way or saying that she will hurt herself or try to commit suicide if she is left alone.

[Red5]

She was angry I joined a support group. She felt like that meant I didn’t care about her and I was going to other people instead of talking to her. And I shouldn’t be telling people what goes on in our life. Empathy almost never works she just says I’m treating her like a fragile human because of her disorder. And if I try to leave the situation she prevents me from doing so by getting in my way or saying that she will hurt herself or try to commit suicide if she is left alone.

Good Morning Conflictedlover,

Hope things are better today for you,

I saw this many months ago, and it opened my eyes a lot... .you should give it a listen,

At minute 10:00 & 17:00 she says some pretty profound things.

Sharing here:

https://www.you.tube.com/watch?v=bFzalwcI1RE

Best regards, Red5

[Conflictedlover]

Good Morning Conflictedlover,

Hope things are better today for you,

I saw this many months ago, and it opened my eyes a lot ... .you should give it a listen,

At minute 10:00 & 17:00 she says some pretty profound things.

Sharing here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFzalwcI1RE

Best regards, Red5

Awesome, I will give that a listen right now!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Conflicted, In my view, a secure SO in a healthy r/s would have no problem with you joining a support group.  In a healthy r/s, each partner supports the other's personal growth.  To me, as Red5 observes, this is typical BPD behavior because she perceived a threat and then acted out on her fears.  I suggest you proceed with caution, my friend, because the red flag has been dropped.   

LuckyJim

[Lady Itone]

She was angry I joined a support group. She felt like that meant I didn’t care about her and I was going to other people instead of talking to her. And I shouldn’t be telling people what goes on in our life. Empathy almost never works she just says I’m treating her like a fragile human because of her disorder. And if I try to leave the situation she prevents me from doing so by getting in my way or saying that she will hurt herself or try to commit suicide if she is left alone.

That's all very manipulative and abusive of her, don't you think? I certainly hope you stay in your support group and get the help you need.

[Conflictedlover]

That's all very manipulative and abusive of her, don't you think? I certainly hope you stay in your support group and get the help you need.

I am definitely going to stay in the support group eventually when it calmed down we spoke. She said that she thought I was gonna use this to run away from her and go to others. I told her that I was using this to be able to run towards her not away. She seemed to take it better that way.

[Lucky Jim]

She said that she thought I was gonna use this to run away from her and go to others.

Good ol' fear of abandonment is behind so much BPD behavior.  It's a consistent thread.

It sounds encouraging, Conflicted, that you were able to talk things through w/her.

LJ

[Conflictedlover]

Good ol' fear of abandonment is behind so much BPD behavior.  It's a consistent thread.

It sounds encouraging, Conflicted, that you were able to talk things through w/her.

LJ

If only that could be first instead of the screaming and throwing etc.

[Lady Itone]

I am definitely going to stay in the support group eventually when it calmed down we spoke. She said that she thought I was gonna use this to run away from her and go to others. I told her that I was using this to be able to run towards her not away. She seemed to take it better that way.

Nice. Glad you were able to work it out.