Self-Harming: Anyone else's ex bang their head against the wall?

[WindofChange]

This is a disturbing thing my ex would do in moments of extreme duress--go and whack his head into the wall a few times, fairly hard. He has a permanent hard knot on his forehead from this. The last time he did it this past fall, I am afraid he may have caused himself some minor brain damage because his head hurt for a few days afterward. He refused to see a doctor about it. After that, it seems like he was moodier and just different, worse. It was scary. Has anyone else watched their ex do things like this? I know I've read in other threads that there are those whose exes cut themselves, and those who abuse drugs and alcohol. How did you deal with it?
(Also, I've been trying to do NC for about 10 days. He's contacted me a few times, but it was brief.)

[Wicker Man]

Mine was a cutter.  She would suffer from dysphoria and cut herself, I believe, to help bring herself out of crushing depression.  However, she never did this in my presence.  We were still in the twilight of the 'idealization phase' in  our relationship to use the BPD vernacular.  My presence was, at least in our year together, soothing for her.  In fact she never raged in my presence, only when I was away from her. 

We spoke about her self mutilation and she told me 'I could never understand'.  I explained I would sometimes go running in times of emotional pain, using the physical pain to help myself cope.  E.g. while I was away on a long job I received the news that a very young friend of mine had died suddenly.  I ran for hours trying to reconcile the grief -it helped me find some understanding of my loss.

I felt, in a way it was a similar mechanism to her cutting and perhaps we could find a more socially acceptable way for her to cope.

Over the year we were together she managed to stop cutting herself.   

I don't know if she has resumed -we have been out of contact for six months now.


Wicker Man

[bschooled]

Hi WindofChange,

My exBPD bf did the same thing. He would lock himself in the bathroom and bang his head against the wall so hard I was scared he would crack his skull. Like you, I had read of other types of self-harm behaviours (cutting, drinking, etc.)  but I found that head banging was not something that many others could relate to. Particularly since he is in his 40s, and not a young man or someone who didn’t understand the kind of long term damage it could do.

I hope you are okay. While I rarely comment (mostly because so many others have more insight than I do), I have been creeping these boards for the last couple of years. You’re in the right place.

B

[WindofChange]

Wicker Man, thank you for sharing. It's good that she didn't feel a need to cut herself when you were with her. It's an interesting perspective that you've shared as well, comparing your running to her need to cut. Both ways to get through the depression and deal with the emotional pain through physical pain.
Bschooled, not that it's good to know someone else harmed themselves this way, but it is helpful to find someone who has experienced it. Thank you for sharing as well. I'm glad you decided to post your experience. So what if others have more insight? They have more insight than I do, too, but it's all a learning experience, right?
My ex would go long periods of time without doing it, but he went through bad episodes with his job losses, then everything would go south. He would become very irritable and on edge, then suspicious, and the accusations would start. He was also triggered by other significant anniversaries of times of trauma for him. The past year was horrible, for many reasons, and there were three frightening episodes of head banging.
We are living separately now, for the past two months, but it's been hard. I miss him so much. I feel I left him at his lowest point, and keep thinking I should have waited, should have seen him through the last crisis. But all of my family and friends urged me to cut off contact. My therapist did as well. It's very difficult. Bschooled, how long has it been for you since you and your ex separated?

[bschooled]

Hi WindofChange,

My experience was the same. Of the two and a half years we were together he only had about 3 or four head banging episodes (that I was aware of). They always followed a period of relative “happiness”, usually after making long term plans together, or returning from a short vacation. At the time I couldn’t understand it, out of nowhere he would become suspicious of things and accuse me of being unfaithful or lying to him. It wasn’t until a year after we broke up that I realized it was him projecting his own actions onto me and the head banging was likely because of the shame he felt for what he’d done. I had no reason to believe he wasn’t genuine, so when the head banging would happen my only focus was on trying to heal his pain.

My relationship ended 3 years ago, however at the time other areas in my life had fallen apart, so rather than try to heal, I spent the next year in a deep depression, scouring the internet  for anything that would tell me that I could save him. He actually went back to his ex wife, who I know personally and suffers from a personality disorder as well. They feed off each others illness, she is his “mother” figure and always takes him back so his abandonment issues aren’t triggered. Had I not responded to his attempts to contact me I would be a lot further along. It wasn’t until I started reading the BPD breakup stories that I had ignored earlier that I realized I could spend my life trying to fix him and in the end all that would happen is I would have wasted my own life.

There are a few members whose posts I go back to regularly, because they shed light on the actual dysfunction for both BPD and Nons, rather than just bashing borderlines and telling nons to run away. Member2010 is a great reference, you can actually go through and read all of her posts (if you post 10 times, you have access to anyone’s posting history).

Here’s the first article that made me feel a bit more objective about the situation.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168086.0

Also, Schwing and PatientandClear are good references as well.

The one thing that I force myself to remember is that until they decide to take action, there will always be another crisis. Their lowest point will always get lower. Trying to help them actually backfires in this situation because instead of helping them, you are implying that their behaviour is ok and you will always come back. We end up becomimg the one they don’t respect, and/or the back-up plan.

I hope I didn’t rattle on, I tend to do that sometimes. Haha

[WindofChange]

Bschooled, I appreciate your thoughtful reply, and I didn't think you rattled on at all. I sincerely mean that, too.
I will definitely check out the link you posted, along with the other members on here for their insights. I appreciate the point you made about the fact that there will always be another crisis unless and until they seek professional help for themselves and do the hard work it takes to heal. My ex is in counseling with a new therapist, and I pray this person has the wisdom and discernment to diagnose him correctly and to know how best to help him.

[CryWolf]

Hey WindofChange, I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I know it can be difficult typing out traumatic events as to watching a loved one physically injure themselves, and you feel hopeless in the situation that you cant help them no matter how hard you try.

These events are so devastating and can take a toll on us emotionally.

Ive seen my ex come back from the bathroom with marks on her arm. Not deep enough to bleed but enough to show that she did something to herself.

Its very easy to take the blame in the relationship with someone who suffers with BPD. You ask how such a horrific thing can happen to someone. Then you wonder how you can help and the "if only" questions start to project. Many members have been there and are still there. i still have those thoughts and me and my ex broke up 7 months ago.

We also urge anyone who is in/getting out of a r/s with a BPDpartner to see a therapist as well. A lot of wounds and scars are left on the nonBPD and it takes time to process all the emotions. Sadly, there is nothing you can do for the BPDpartner until they seek help and want to get better. otherwise, you will get lost and become codependent.

How are you coping with the breakup? I know you mentioned you are trying NC. So im assuming you two contact each other? Have you told him to respect your wishes of NC?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello:  I am a non who has a sibling married to a BPD sufferer.  Once after talking to her, I banged my head several times against the wall until I become more aware of the physical pain than the emotional pain.  Just talking to an angry BPD sufferer brought on this reaction in me.  I have analyzed this episode often.  I had two small children present who were watching me.  It seems to me as if I almost dissociated as a self-protection mechanism.  The emotional pain was so intense that the physical pain was a release and it resulted in relief. 

So, please understand that something may have been a trigger to bring out an inner boiling pain.  And the self harm could be a relief mechanism.

Self cutting and other type of mutilation (such as tatooing without anesthetics) is prevalent among BPD sufferers.

Thank you for sharing with us.  We hope that we can help you walk through this journey not entire alone... .

[WindofChange]

Hello CryWolf, thank you for your response. (This is "Lynna A"--name has been changed by the site for privacy issues.) I am trying to accept the fact that he has to help himself and that I can't fix him. In the last year especially, I became very codependent, focusing only on him, trying to help him, trying to make him happy, feeling devastated when he would shut me out or yell or be cuttingly sarcastic with me. I am seeing a therapist, and it does help. I also journal and exercise to deal with all of the emotional fallout.
As for NC, I told him two weeks ago that we couldn't speak anymore, that I was sorry, and hoped he would continue with his own therapy and work on getting better. I also told him we both had issues that we needed to work on, and that I felt because of all the anger he constantly directed at me, along with jealous accusations, that I wasn't good for him because I apparently triggered him a lot. He called me last week because he was having a sad day, but he didn't ask to see me. We have texted a few times as well. That's hard because it brings all those emotions back to the surface again, and I really miss him. I have been tempted to initiate contact but am trying hard to resist the urge.
pallavirajsinghani, thank you for sharing your story. I did read somewhere that the head banging actually does bring a temporary relief to the overwhelming internal pain. I appreciate your insight. It helps me to understand.