What is the best way to take a break from borderline mother?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I finally have given myself permission to feel good about taking a break from communication with my mother.  Lately as I’ve been working on step 4, and she’s been raging at me I’ve been getting migraines.  How is the best way to go no contact for a while?  We do not live near each other so communication is by phone or email.  I really do not want to talk to her.  Thank you.

[Nopuppets]

I finally have given myself permission to feel good about taking a break from communication with my mother.  Lately as I’ve been working on step 4, and she’s been raging at me I’ve been getting migraines.  How is the best way to go no contact for a while?  We do not live near each other so communication is by phone or email.  I really do not want to talk to her.  Thank you.

[Harri]

Well, this really depends on your style.  I prefer to be direct and just say "I am working on some things and I need to take a break.  I will contact you when I am ready" or something like that.  Other people prefer to not say anything and just gradually try to fade away.  Either way you are going to deal with some fallout from it. 

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you, as I too have a borderline mother I am trying to limit my contact with. My mother only uses the phone, and I realize that yours uses both phone and email. I do not initiate contact with mom, unless I am dreading her calling, so I call and get it over with. I keep phone calls brief, let her do all the talking, and then excuse myself after 2 minutes. The best way for me to take a break from mom is to be on vacation, and not take my phone or look at my email (My siblings email me about mom.)
I have never told my mom I am trying to limit my contact with her, as she would contact me even more than usual.
Probably the only way to take a complete break from her is to change your email and phone for the time period you want to have no contact with her.
I don't know if any of this is at all helpful, as everyone's situation is different. Please keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

[Notwendy]

If you are asking how to take a break without her reaction to that, then realize - she is going to react the way she chooses to, no matter what. There isn't a way to control another person's choices or behaviors, only our own.

I have not discussed boundaries with my mother. She sees boundaries as a challenge and it would only escalate her behaviors if I did.

I respond to behaviors in the moment. If my mother were to start raging at me, I would get off the phone with her. ( or not respond to the e mail). I don't have to react or respond- or add fuel to the drama. A simple: I understand you are upset but I am not able to continue this conversation. I will talk to you later. Then, hang up. Yes, it is likely that she will call again right away ( I don't answer), leave some angry messages, but she has gotten the idea that I will not have these discussions with her. She can speak to me calmly ( and I have to do the same- if I am upset or angry, I need to be calm with her too).

E mails- you can choose to ignore.

A concept referred to as "medium chill" means not responding emotionally to these discussions. It also doesn't mean you sit there and get raged at. In person I have even walked out of the house if she rages at me.

I also think if these episodes like a child's temper tantrum. A young child tantrums because he/she does not have the maturity to handle strong emotions, like frustration. The parent teaches the child to learn to manage the emotions by not giving in, or adding to, the emotion of the moment. If a child gets what they want every time they tantrum, they will continue to do it- as it works, it gets them what they want. With my BPD mother, her raging worked. We all walked on eggshells out of fear. We gave her what she wanted and we were afraid to say no to her.

Learning to not fear the tantrum took time and effort for me as my mother can be vengeful. I have said "no" to her and received some pretty nasty messages on my phone. Once we attended a family event where she was not included and she raged. A few weeks later she was speaking to me as if nothing happened.  I didn't react and fuel the drama and it shortened the duration.

She also uses the silent treatment. I have learned to not fear that. It's a good way for both of us to have some space. She usually gets over it and then speaks to me as if it didn't happen. Note the "it didn't happen". Most of the time she either doesn't remember the rage episode or doesn't acknowledge it. It is the recipient that is shaken up. I liken this to "vomiting". A kid with a stomach ache can feel better after throwing up. She feels better after the "throws up" all her rage. It's how she deals with it. Since she feels better and it's all over ( for the moment) she assumes I do too. Don't fear the rage. It will pass.

[GreatListener]

I finally have given myself permission to feel good about taking a break from communication with my mother.  Lately as I’ve been working on step 4, and she’s been raging at me I’ve been getting migraines.  How is the best way to go no contact for a while?  We do not live near each other so communication is by phone or email.  I really do not want to talk to her.  Thank you.

I'm sorry that you're going through this- it absolutely sucks and we are here for you. I still live with my mom 50% of the time, but the 50% that I am away from her I limit my contact with her to text messages. Every time she gets me on the phone she finds a way to scream at me and then hang up- which is clearly upsetting. So to counter that, I ignore the calls and send a text saying "Hello, how are you? I am not available to talk right now but I can text. What's up?" This is a good way for me to show her that I care enough to talk to her but set a boundary because at least over text, I can get out what I need to say and she cannot railroad me. And another positive, if it gets too intense, you can simply stop answering!