How would you define acceptance?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I used to think it just meant that you accept your fate and move on with your life. For the first time after a long time I felt so strong, I suppose I needed the right trigger to let my moral compass guide the way. I remember seeing a picture of him and her today, and initially it sparked anger in me and the old me would have been thinking why him out of all people, but instead I was actually happy for her because the truth was marriage was what she wanted not me. I felt responsible for her for such a long time, the threats, the ultimatiums, the “i’m gonna kill myself.” and this superman running to save the damsel in distress. I spent so long trying to save someone that didn’t want to be saved, just liked the idea of having someone agree with everything. I see a lot of people posts on this forum, asking what they could have changed to make circumstances different. The truth is theres nothing you could have done, sometimes things turn out the way they anticipated because its almost as if these little fireworks or triggers spark in front of you, but we’re so blindsided we don’t see them until its too late. We lose a part of ourselves and then feel we have invested so much so lets hold on even tighter. The best way I can describe a relationship that is not healthy for you, is when its too good to hold on but to bad to stay, a wise person once told me this and it stuck. For the first time, I don’t feel responsible anymore, it was the best of times and it was the worst of times, but I would never want to be in contact with her. I hope he takes care of her, because my time is done.  I think about it now, and it makes me realize that I did the right thing, I know I wouldn’t want my ex to contact me a day before her engagement saying she can’t do this and it doesn’t feel right, the characters are changed, but the story is the same. It could have been me telling her wedding vows without having a clue as to what was happening behind the scenes but, for the sake of love conquers all, I maintained my grounds and told her she just has anxiety and should go for it. It’s at that moment I realized that the doing the right thing will set you free. I used intellectualization to cope with everything, and realized that I could do a PhD in BPD, I guess the take home message is that acceptance is only when we set ourselves free and stop holding ourselves responsible, if your significant other has BPD try to get them help before its too late, and if that’s not possible, get yourself the help you need to be emotionally healthy. My ex made me realize that I was too much of a push over and I blamed myself for things that weren’t even my fault, it was only then I realized that I need to work on myself too for my future relationships.  Acceptance is when you want whats best for yourself, your ex and your future, It’s never personal, and once that is flowing through your veins, you stop thinking of the what ifs and think of the present and then now. I stopped fighting the dreams, but I did realize the more I talked to her the worse I got. When someone or something isn’t good for you, it takes a strong person to walk away, and I promised myself I won’t be looking back. I hope those of you that are in the struggle, can keep moving forward not for her him or me, but for yourself. Love does conquer all but, when you love yourself and no one can take that away.

[Struggler123]

I used to think it just meant that you accept your fate and move on with your life. For the first time after a long time I felt so strong, I suppose I needed the right trigger to let my moral compass guide the way. I remember seeing a picture of him and her today, and initially it sparked anger in me and the old me would have been thinking why him out of all people, but instead I was actually happy for her because the truth was marriage was what she wanted not me. I felt responsible for her for such a long time, the threats, the ultimatiums, the “i’m gonna kill myself.” and this superman running to save the damsel in distress. I spent so long trying to save someone that didn’t want to be saved, just liked the idea of having someone agree with everything. I see a lot of people posts on this forum, asking what they could have changed to make circumstances different. The truth is theres nothing you could have done, sometimes things turn out the way they anticipated because its almost as if these little fireworks or triggers spark in front of you, but we’re so blindsided we don’t see them until its too late. We lose a part of ourselves and then feel we have invested so much so lets hold on even tighter. The best way I can describe a relationship that is not healthy for you, is when its too good to hold on but to bad to stay, a wise person once told me this and it stuck. For the first time, I don’t feel responsible anymore, it was the best of times and it was the worst of times, but I would never want to be in contact with her. I hope he takes care of her, because my time is done.  I think about it now, and it makes me realize that I did the right thing, I know I wouldn’t want my ex to contact me a day before her engagement saying she can’t do this and it doesn’t feel right, the characters are changed, but the story is the same. It could have been me telling her wedding vows without having a clue as to what was happening behind the scenes but, for the sake of love conquers all, I maintained my grounds and told her she just has anxiety and should go for it. It’s at that moment I realized that the doing the right thing will set you free. I used intellectualization to cope with everything, and realized that I could do a PhD in BPD, I guess the take home message is that acceptance is only when we set ourselves free and stop holding ourselves responsible, if your significant other has BPD try to get them help before its too late, and if that’s not possible, get yourself the help you need to be emotionally healthy. My ex made me realize that I was too much of a push over and I blamed myself for things that weren’t even my fault, it was only then I realized that I need to work on myself too for my future relationships.  Acceptance is when you want whats best for yourself, your ex and your future, It’s never personal, and once that is flowing through your veins, you stop thinking of the what ifs and think of the present and then now. I stopped fighting the dreams, but I did realize the more I talked to her the worse I got. When someone or something isn’t good for you, it takes a strong person to walk away, and I promised myself I won’t be looking back. I hope those of you that are in the struggle, can keep moving forward not for her him or me, but for yourself. Love does conquer all but, when you love yourself and no one can take that away.

[once removed]

i think acceptance evolves and grows as pain subsides, as we work (repeatedly) toward understanding, as we become more able to accept things that werent so easy to accept earlier on.

my narrative about how my relationship broke down and ended is very different today than what it was in the first months, or even the first year. there was still a lot i didnt want to hear, or just wasnt ready to understand. acceptance for me came in bits and pieces.

[Turkish]

For me,  accepting that if I could go back in time,  the different choices I might have made likely wouldn't have changed things overall.  She is still her and I am still me. 

On a higher level,  accepting that ultimately things ended up where they needed to be because in the long run I never felt I could be at peace growing old with her so I can only be so angry at her before I need to look that anger in the mirror and be honest with myself. 

[gotbushels]

The truth is theres nothing you could have done,

Yes, there's nothing the non can do to stop the existence of the BPD--it preexisted them. Beyond that I think there's plenty the non could have done before the relationship happened (e.g., improve emotional health), during the relationship (e.g., improve communication), and after the relationship (e.g., inventory) to improve their lives. If that improvement results in never starting the intimate relationship with the pwBPD, then that's a bonus.

For the first time, I don’t feel responsible anymore,

I think it's good that you feel this way. It's difficult to release responsibility for the outcome of someone else's life. And sometimes that was never ours to begin with.  

... .for the sake of love conquers all, I maintained my grounds and told her she just has anxiety and should go for it.

What do you think of this idea now?



Re: How would you define acceptance?

I grew to love the definitions by Fruzzetti.

acceptance (being nonjudgmental, not rejecting your partner’s experience as invalid)

acceptance (you are content with what he or she is doing, not trying to change it)

- To me acceptance generally is to reach a state of no longer feeling the pull of automatic judgment or want of change. So she's not 'bad', while I found the BPD tremendously unpleasant, she's just a human with this thing called BPD strapped on; I don't want to change her; I don't have to change her; I don't have to have her in my life if I don't want it.

- It's operating without having things being thought of or felt as 'bad'. So I can have what I want now without her being part of it.

- I think it can happen experiencing painful emotions, and ideally I feel content when it happens. So it was a terrifically painful experience, and I'm safe now. It's over now, with support to deflect unhealthy others to prevent it happening again.

- Feelings... .perhaps on a balance-beam of tolerance without necessarily consent. I don't have to feel the pain of her tantrums now. At the time, I remember it was almost watching the tantrum happen, knowing what was good for me next, and feeling adequate and skilled enough to handle whatever happens--including violent behaviour. So sometimes acceptance can actually feel tremendously empowering and good.


While it's a lovely experience, I do think it can be really hard in a BPD context because--for the non--some of the things really do feel so, so, bad!  

Fantastic question.  

[MyBPD_friend]

I used to think it just meant that you accept your fate and move on with your life. For the first time after a long time I felt so strong, I suppose I needed the right trigger to let my moral compass guide the way. I remember seeing a picture of him and her today, and initially it sparked anger in me and the old me would have been thinking why him out of all people, but instead I was actually happy for her because the truth was marriage was what she wanted not me. I felt responsible for her for such a long time, the threats, the ultimatiums, the “i’m gonna kill myself.” and this superman running to save the damsel in distress. I spent so long trying to save someone that didn’t want to be saved, just liked the idea of having someone agree with everything. I see a lot of people posts on this forum, asking what they could have changed to make circumstances different. The truth is theres nothing you could have done, sometimes things turn out the way they anticipated because its almost as if these little fireworks or triggers spark in front of you, but we’re so blindsided we don’t see them until its too late. We lose a part of ourselves and then feel we have invested so much so lets hold on even tighter. The best way I can describe a relationship that is not healthy for you, is when its too good to hold on but to bad to stay, a wise person once told me this and it stuck. For the first time, I don’t feel responsible anymore, it was the best of times and it was the worst of times, but I would never want to be in contact with her. I hope he takes care of her, because my time is done.  I think about it now, and it makes me realize that I did the right thing, I know I wouldn’t want my ex to contact me a day before her engagement saying she can’t do this and it doesn’t feel right, the characters are changed, but the story is the same. It could have been me telling her wedding vows without having a clue as to what was happening behind the scenes but, for the sake of love conquers all, I maintained my grounds and told her she just has anxiety and should go for it. It’s at that moment I realized that the doing the right thing will set you free. I used intellectualization to cope with everything, and realized that I could do a PhD in BPD, I guess the take home message is that acceptance is only when we set ourselves free and stop holding ourselves responsible, if your significant other has BPD try to get them help before its too late, and if that’s not possible, get yourself the help you need to be emotionally healthy. My ex made me realize that I was too much of a push over and I blamed myself for things that weren’t even my fault, it was only then I realized that I need to work on myself too for my future relationships.  Acceptance is when you want whats best for yourself, your ex and your future, It’s never personal, and once that is flowing through your veins, you stop thinking of the what ifs and think of the present and then now. I stopped fighting the dreams, but I did realize the more I talked to her the worse I got. When someone or something isn’t good for you, it takes a strong person to walk away, and I promised myself I won’t be looking back. I hope those of you that are in the struggle, can keep moving forward not for her him or me, but for yourself. Love does conquer all but, when you love yourself and no one can take that away.

Struggler123,
Thank you for your great post. I couldn't have put as nearly good as you did.

[Struggler123]

@gotbushels


I think that love is a strange thing, it hurts but it depends on knowing the right and the wrong kind. For instance, loving someone because they buy you things is the wrong kind of love or loving someone because they give you “benefits” emotionally or physically. The right kind is unconditional. I told her that it was her anxiety because at this point, I am not in compeition with the new guy, She will never find anyone like me because no two people are the same. But, I will find someone that appreciates all of me, during the good times and the bad times.  Her life has her decisions, and I should not be the one to tell her how to live her life. She wanted me to say “don’t marry this guy, and support her validation.” But, the truth is, i’m not responsible for her. If this is the smartest or the dumbest decision, its on her. I can only wish her the best, thats what a gentleman does. As for love conquers all, in terms of BPD, unless the person gets help no amount of love will cover the tracks.

@MyBPD_friend

Thank you for your kind words. I hope I have helped you progress on your journey.


@onceremoved
@Turkish

I was scanning the posts I made on this forum starting from April and I realized how hurt,upset and sad I was. It made me realize how communication is key, I know I’m not with the same emotional state I was in 2 months ago. I’m not saying I got a magic button and it’s all been erased, but I’m glad I had so many members help me during my journey. Every single thing, you guys said in the past posts happened, the reaching out, the telling me its still not too late, trying to be friends, saying something else but asking for something else. Every persons story is similar, just the characters and some traits are different. I was intially trying to do no contact all together and that didn’t work, but the more I spoke to her the more I felt how wrong it was speaking to her, and I just ignore her messages now. Eventually she will get the message.

[Cromwell]

I define it as realising I had made a mistake, was wrong about things I thought I believed but was instead just sophisticated and elaborate comforting illusions I had built up.

Was it painful to confront the truth in the end, actually no, its led to acceptance of what is. Has it led me to become more dispassionate? Yep, something I feared, but in the end, turned out it has helped find me peace and prepared the ground to start new relationships with a stronger structure than that of the past.

Acceptance was when I came to the realisation that I searched in the wrong places to find happiness, ie, other people.

Acceptance was coming to terms why I thought this way, and not beating myself up about it.

Its also about realising that the past cant be changed, hurtful things cant actually be fully "unhurt", but they can be shrugged off, learned from and moved on from.

Finding acceptance has not been another sophisticated defence mechanism to replace other ones, it is about getting head out of the clouds and seeing the situation for what it really is.

struggler, id encourage you to also accept that ultimately in the midst of the intensity of the relationship, you realised it wasnt the happiness you were seeking, otherwise you would have been the one with her in that picture, you chose you wanted more than that. I could have stayed with my ex, answered the 4am distress calls and chaos manufacture, I accepted eventually that my life I chose to be worth more than that.

Your actions of not enabling her behaviour has done more than you could have ever by pandering to her needs and letting her get worse. You did actually save her in your own way, at least, you did the best you could with what you knew. There is very little at all, if anything, to feel sorry for oneself or guilty. As for the phd in BPD, you probably are the expert in a few square miles of where you live, you succeeded in a relationship with BPD and overcame it, having that strength shows you should have the experience to navigate the future and avoid the pitfalls.

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.

acceptance was my date last week, where 50 BPD flags raised up and instead of telling myself "ignore them - statistically it cant be true, besides shes hot", I instead made my excuses and left. Acceptance that I have belief in my own intuition and confidence to take action on it. A big part of success and happiness is as much as threat avoidance as it is aquiring. It took me 3 years to fully accept I made a mistake and 9 months beyond that to have the courage to do the right thing about it.

I accept that today is a new day, I can choose to look at old pictures or I can choose to look forward to navigate towards new unchartered waters. At least I have my BPD phd to guide me for when I hear more of the siren songs.

[Struggler123]

I define it as realising I had made a mistake, was wrong about things I thought I believed but was instead just sophisticated and elaborate comforting illusions I had built up.

Was it painful to confront the truth in the end, actually no, its led to acceptance of what is. Has it led me to become more dispassionate? Yep, something I feared, but in the end, turned out it has helped find me peace and prepared the ground to start new relationships with a stronger structure than that of the past.

Acceptance was when I came to the realisation that I searched in the wrong places to find happiness, ie, other people.

Acceptance was coming to terms why I thought this way, and not beating myself up about it.

Its also about realising that the past cant be changed, hurtful things cant actually be fully "unhurt", but they can be shrugged off, learned from and moved on from.

Finding acceptance has not been another sophisticated defence mechanism to replace other ones, it is about getting head out of the clouds and seeing the situation for what it really is.

struggler, id encourage you to also accept that ultimately in the midst of the intensity of the relationship, you realised it wasnt the happiness you were seeking, otherwise you would have been the one with her in that picture, you chose you wanted more than that. I could have stayed with my ex, answered the 4am distress calls and chaos manufacture, I accepted eventually that my life I chose to be worth more than that.

Your actions of not enabling her behaviour has done more than you could have ever by pandering to her needs and letting her get worse. You did actually save her in your own way, at least, you did the best you could with what you knew. There is very little at all, if anything, to feel sorry for oneself or guilty. As for the phd in BPD, you probably are the expert in a few square miles of where you live, you succeeded in a relationship with BPD and overcame it, having that strength shows you should have the experience to navigate the future and avoid the pitfalls.

Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I’m trying to tell you that when you’re ready, you won’t have to.

acceptance was my date last week, where 50 BPD flags raised up and instead of telling myself "ignore them - statistically it cant be true, besides shes hot", I instead made my excuses and left. Acceptance that I have belief in my own intuition and confidence to take action on it. A big part of success and happiness is as much as threat avoidance as it is aquiring. It took me 3 years to fully accept I made a mistake and 9 months beyond that to have the courage to do the right thing about it.

I accept that today is a new day, I can choose to look at old pictures or I can choose to look forward to navigate towards new unchartered waters. At least I have my BPD phd to guide me for when I hear more of the siren songs.

I was looking back at the previous posts I have hear and some of the best advice was from you. The things you speak really echo in my head everytime I fear slightly weak. It was the worst of times and it was the best of times. At this point I just find it sad, I let her ruin my mood way to many times and I wasn’t about to let that happen today. I knew this day would come, I was just trying to make it come faster and faster. I was skipping over the grieving process and it was only then I realized that everything I am going through is part of the process. I had that moment of comparing myself to the new guy, and then realizing how stupid it was. How stupid it was, to compare two people that have nothing in common and were instead just lined up to fight in a battle where no one wins. I threw in the towel, and simply said I’m sorry but this is not the life I want. It was the hardest thing to understand that, I didn’t feel guilty about losing her, I felt guilty about not being able to please her and that itself was a part of the people pleaser trait I was denying for so long. The only other thing on my bucket list now is to go on days where I can practice the idea of “out of sight out of mind.” It was even harder to accept that eventually I would have to stop the communication because she was not capable of doing so. It was even more sad, when the night before she was telling me she misses me etc and isnt sure about this, and then the next day she was posting up pictures saying hes the love of her life. At that moment, it made my belief even stronger that this person is not who I made them out to be and that itself was acceptance that my mind can make even the most destructive things into something so beautiful that its so hard to let go, and im realizing that day by day.

[Shawnlam]

It probably took me the longest on here to realize and accept my issues .I was a bitter angry person from what had happened never realizing I enabled everything and I had a lot of weaknesses and character flaws.When I came to accept putting her before myself things finally changed .It took the relationship to be over to do this but that’s ok because it would or could have ended worse .When I accepted that being angry,needy and selfish were pointless ventures ,only then was I able to see her illness and care and love her the appropriate way... .not as her partner,but as a human being looking at another human being and accepting her flaws and admitting my own .
Looking back now on the entire relationship,I don’t regret anything .It made me a better person in the end ,stronger,calmer , wiser I would say and it’s still a work in progress! I’ve come to accept a lot of the following:
1: it’s ok to love someone without them loving you equally (or to your liking) in return.
2: don’t change yourself to con someone into being with you.
3. Don’t try and change someone else it’s unfair and unnatural
4: don’t try to fix someone unless you are a perfect specimen (impossible)
5: instead of hating someone ,try learning from them
6: focus on bettering yourself always  there is no age cap to do this,loving your self goes hand in hand with “you attract what you project”.
I’ve accepted losing the love of my life because it was something unnatural but at the same time very special.I fore one  will go through life telling people that having had a partner with BPD was a special/unique and unmatched experience.I chose to see my whole story as a happy ending .

[Struggler123]

It probably took me the longest on here to realize and accept my issues .I was a bitter angry person from what had happened never realizing I enabled everything and I had a lot of weaknesses and character flaws.When I came to accept putting her before myself things finally changed .It took the relationship to be over to do this but that’s ok because it would or could have ended worse .When I accepted that being angry,needy and selfish were pointless ventures ,only then was I able to see her illness and care and love her the appropriate way... .not as her partner,but as a human being looking at another human being and accepting her flaws and admitting my own .
Looking back now on the entire relationship,I don’t regret anything .It made me a better person in the end ,stronger,calmer , wiser I would say and it’s still a work in progress! I’ve come to accept a lot of the following:
1: it’s ok to love someone without them loving you equally (or to your liking) in return.
2: don’t change yourself to con someone into being with you.
3. Don’t try and change someone else it’s unfair and unnatural
4: don’t try to fix someone unless you are a perfect specimen (impossible)
5: instead of hating someone ,try learning from them
6: focus on bettering yourself always  there is no age cap to do this,loving your self goes hand in hand with “you attract what you project”.
I’ve accepted losing the love of my life because it was something unnatural but at the same time very special.I fore one  will go through life telling people that having had a partner with BPD was a special/unique and unmatched experience.I chose to see my whole story as a happy ending .

I’m really glad Shawn, you were able to grow from this. It takes a very strong mindset and person to do this. In fact, its so much easier to hate someone but to love them despite knowing they are not capable of producing the same amount of love is another form of acceptance. In any relationship, if two people are not on the same grounds, no amount of love will fix the relationship. The next few words I will speak, will be against the opinion of others, but I think that you were in love with the person you thought she was. It was so hard to accept that this same person has all these flaws to which there was no correction that could be done. Now in terms of regular relationships, this is equally true you have to accept the good with the bad. With BPD, you have to understand that it was never personal. They suffer everyday and its so harsh that they look for places to explode. Only problem is, we allow them to feel that its okay to explode everyday, and thats where it becomes abuse. I like to think of it this way, The fantasy in our minds is due to always looking for that one person that is all the things we dreamed about, and why wouldnt it be, its a clone of yourself its only when the mirror is shattered and you see a side of them you never thought existed, it hurts our ego. We try so hard to heal the cracks but by then its too late. Too much has happened, too much has been lost. It’s time to pick up the pieces, drop the baggage and start moving forward. How long would we let one personality disorder define us, when do we draw the line? If that’s not acceptance, I don’t know what it is.

I’m glad your so empathetic, im sure you will realize one day when your with someone that understands you for the real you, why it didnt workout. Take care of yourself first

[Cromwell]

Struggler, she wants two guys to fight over her, how else can she weigh up how commited he is without him "triumphing" in some way over you? Or Via Versa.

 Im not saying our exs were the same, im saying that of all your posts, "triangulation" keeps on sticking out like a sore thumb.

Try to reverse the situation around though, what about her behaviour changing what image you might have wanted to see for yourself. You were made to feel a rescuer, then all of a sudden she has made out that you are seemingly a deficient one in comparison to this guy. What might that provoke? You trying to prove otherwise, convince her otherwise. Except, it didnt work out that way, you poured your heart out to her, watched as she callously put this guy in front of you, and wished her the best.

In short, her frustration is out of there not being any "triumph", you havent shown that she is worth fighting for. Youd achieve this by making attempts to fight for her "back" and convince her you are "better".

If she was so sure of herself she had made the right choice, she wouldnt feel any need to manufacture a situation like this. She ended up sabotaging the relationship and what option has she got left? Post "happy" pictures up, or more accurately, give the public impression she made the right choice.

Youll work things out for yourself though, like you said after "grieving", but grieving by definition requires "closure", and that is something she has shown that she wont allow you to do. Her words "keep a door open" and "our friendship is not over yet" (or words to that effect, I recall).

That was the same toxicity that enmeshed me and protracted my recovery and opportunities to have better. I did try to leave, each time there was another baited hook that I went for.

To get to a stage of realising how not only pointless but self-injurious it is to carry it on and pine for something that isnt to be. People do this for years, ive done it for 9 months, im not happy about it anymore. but I dont beat myself up for the dynamics of what led to it happening.

Besides, whilst I can look at the lifestyle of my ex and realise that she isnt living it in a happy, fulfilling way. The "rescuing" notion is very much exaggerated when compared to the fact that millions of other people out there have their own hurdles. Working in health care environment has opened my eyes to see that there are more challenges out there of rescuing people who actually want to be rescued or at least will co-operate, not antagonise or sabotage the rescue effort as well as - crucially - having someone adequately trained to provide the rescue. I unwittingly got involved in something way out of my depth and transiently became a victim too, needing rescued by in a big part, this forum. Even if you were the world's expert on BPD, even that in itself may not be sufficient. She needs to want to accept that help, or be forced into a circumstance that finally provokes the impetus towards changed. As long as there are people who enable her, who she can displace her emotions on to, why bother getting any real help.

To get a head start towards recovery, I cant see it possible to grieve without closure. Thats the stage im at now, it took 9 months. reminiscing with her about the past via texts is not closure or grieving. Any feelings of being "weak" I look back and associate with "indecisiveness", in short, I never fully closed that door, regardless of it being a latent hope or not of a recycle. This over 1 month of new contact, Ive had the most sweetest texts, Ive not responded entirely the same but what ive been waiting for was the "nasty" text or call, something I could seal the door closed with. She wont give me that. I see the same situ with your predicament, you dont get anything good out of this, but that door is kept propped open, for when it suits her to walk in. Thats all it is, and im not wasting any more of my life having strong feelings for someone who needs me (as opposed to truly "wanting".

If its so important to be needed there are plenty of people out there who are open to that, at the very least if not a "thank you" or a payment in response, I dont get to the stage of being made ill and unhappy myself by the end of it. Even if you or I would have managed to have "rescued" our exs, got them through therapy and they were cured. What purpose of the rescuer personality would be left at that juncture? I can imagine after that quest to be told something along the lines of "thanks a lot, but your services are no longer required"

[Struggler123]

Struggler, she wants two guys to fight over her, how else can she weigh up how commited he is without him "triumphing" in some way over you? Or Via Versa.

 Im not saying our exs were the same, im saying that of all your posts, "triangulation" keeps on sticking out like a sore thumb.

Try to reverse the situation around though, what about her behaviour changing what image you might have wanted to see for yourself. You were made to feel a rescuer, then all of a sudden she has made out that you are seemingly a deficient one in comparison to this guy. What might that provoke? You trying to prove otherwise, convince her otherwise. Except, it didnt work out that way, you poured your heart out to her, watched as she callously put this guy in front of you, and wished her the best.

In short, her frustration is out of there not being any "triumph", you havent shown that she is worth fighting for. Youd achieve this by making attempts to fight for her "back" and convince her you are "better".

If she was so sure of herself she had made the right choice, she wouldnt feel any need to manufacture a situation like this. She ended up sabotaging the relationship and what option has she got left? Post "happy" pictures up, or more accurately, give the public impression she made the right choice.

Youll work things out for yourself though, like you said after "grieving", but grieving by definition requires "closure", and that is something she has shown that she wont allow you to do. Her words "keep a door open" and "our friendship is not over yet" (or words to that effect, I recall).

That was the same toxicity that enmeshed me and protracted my recovery and opportunities to have better. I did try to leave, each time there was another baited hook that I went for.

To get to a stage of realising how not only pointless but self-injurious it is to carry it on and pine for something that isnt to be. People do this for years, ive done it for 9 months, im not happy about it anymore. but I dont beat myself up for the dynamics of what led to it happening.

Besides, whilst I can look at the lifestyle of my ex and realise that she isnt living it in a happy, fulfilling way. The "rescuing" notion is very much exaggerated when compared to the fact that millions of other people out there have their own hurdles. Working in health care environment has opened my eyes to see that there are more challenges out there of rescuing people who actually want to be rescued or at least will co-operate, not antagonise or sabotage the rescue effort as well as - crucially - having someone adequately trained to provide the rescue. I unwittingly got involved in something way out of my depth and transiently became a victim too, needing rescued by in a big part, this forum. Even if you were the world's expert on BPD, even that in itself may not be sufficient. She needs to want to accept that help, or be forced into a circumstance that finally provokes the impetus towards changed. As long as there are people who enable her, who she can displace her emotions on to, why bother getting any real help.

To get a head start towards recovery, I cant see it possible to grieve without closure. Thats the stage im at now, it took 9 months. reminiscing with her about the past via texts is not closure or grieving. Any feelings of being "weak" I look back and associate with "indecisiveness", in short, I never fully closed that door, regardless of it being a latent hope or not of a recycle. This over 1 month of new contact, Ive had the most sweetest texts, Ive not responded entirely the same but what ive been waiting for was the "nasty" text or call, something I could seal the door closed with. She wont give me that. I see the same situ with your predicament, you dont get anything good out of this, but that door is kept propped open, for when it suits her to walk in. Thats all it is, and im not wasting any more of my life having strong feelings for someone who needs me (as opposed to truly "wanting".

If its so important to be needed there are plenty of people out there who are open to that, at the very least if not a "thank you" or a payment in response, I dont get to the stage of being made ill and unhappy myself by the end of it. Even if you or I would have managed to have "rescued" our exs, got them through therapy and they were cured. What purpose of the rescuer personality would be left at that juncture? I can imagine after that quest to be told something along the lines of "thanks a lot, but your services are no longer required"

Cromwell, its times like these where I realize how wise are the things you say. It also makes me question the idea that you knew so much but, unfortunately it wasn’t enough to “rescue” your ex. In my case, she tried a lot of tactics to get me to be angry, I was angry for a while, but I never let the anger take away my empathy. It was not worth it, at least for my sanity.  Even now, it just doesn’t make sense, if you’re so happy with this guy, why would you contact me the night before you saw him, saying you cant do this and things felt so right between us. It was at that moment, when she was like why won’t you stop me? I realized that, we can’t force any decision upon anyone and she should not have the power to make me do anything against my morals and values.  I just realized that, I could have been the one in that situation and I wouldn’t know anything about whats going on behind closed doors.  It also made me realize that, in terms of me, I can be insecure at times, something I was never aware of. I compared myself to the new guy for a few minutes initially, not the best idea, but it was wrong. I realized that she made him out to be this very tall, athletic, young man. But in reality, he was just a relatively average height, late 30’s, and for some odd reason reminded me more of a parental figure. I didn’t realize it then, but at that point it was just my coping mechanism and naturally I wanted to feel like I was the better choice, but it was the wrong thing to do, i’m sure he’s a good guy, but i’m not trying to better than anyone other than myself.  The idea of those words did keep baiting me in time and after time and it became very annoying. I could not have said it better, to be honest the rescue tendencies we have are better equipped for use where they are actually more likely to be used and have postive effects on the people around us. We can’t change anyone, we can only change ourselves and the way we perform. I’m sure your ex will realize, that not every guy will be so tolerable but by then, hopefully she will realize that she needed professional help. I like you wanted the same nasty text or call but I was not getting it, it became so frustrating because I thought it would happen any second. But, I promised myself that if she puts up pictures of the new guy (considering I dont have her on any social media) so it was public and at that point, it made me stronger than ever. Now calls go straight to voicemails, and no response to texts. I’ll be online on facebook and see the display pictures change, but now its just more of a thats sad kind if response rather than “what dont I have.” I completely agree, at the end they still would have done what they wanted to do. Only difference would have been the timeline, its like the outcome is the same, just time lost is more. It’s just crazy how we see the light at the tunnel, when its over. After a long time, I really feel like I made the right decision to not engage, even when at times in the past I would ask myself, why arent I “fighting” for her, would that change things. At this point, im just trying to focus on myself