BPD has taken over my marriage.

[CynValkyrie]

Hello all,
I am 30 years old and I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years.  We have a 4.5 year old daughter who is the light of our life. 
I have always known he had mental health struggles.  He comes from a family that has deep roots in mental illness of varying kinds and abuse.
I am the ever optimistic person, but over the last 12 years I have been broken down.  I experience my own depression and anxiety and have lost myself trying to fix or please or make my husbands life better. 
I cannot allow my daughter to believe that the way he treats me, yells and constantly criticizes is the way a person should treat their loved ones.
And now she is beginning to repeat his nasty words and comments.  I have learned to shut down, as nothing I say or do will make any of the arguments better. 

I just started seeing a therapist this week to help manage my anxiety and to help me get stronger so that i can deal with this and stand up to him.
I love him so much, on the days I see my husband (instead of "The Monster" as I call it when he rages) it reminds me of why I am still with him.
But the Monster wins more and more.  I see less and less of the sweet, kind-hearted man I married.  He keeps putting bricks in this wall between us and despite my efforts to tear them down. 
I recently started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and it has been eye opening.

At work i spend my day smiling and encouraging others to be their best self... .when i get home it all comes crumbling down.  I can do nothing right, it's never enough and I am falling apart.
I don't know what to do anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi CynValkyrie,

Welcome! There are many of us here dealing with similar issues. The good news is  there some great communication tools here that can help you face all the complicated pieces of your situation.

Many of us are working with the tools and it can make a difference. There are often setbacks and mistakes along the way, it is a process not something that ends, but you may find some relief by practicing here along with us.

Have you had a chance to check out the lessons on the right side of the board?

It's good that you have the resource of a therapist! Did you just start or have you already been going for awhile?

warmly, pearl.

[CynValkyrie]

Thank you for your reply Pearl. 
I just really jumped into "Oz" today so I am still discovering what there is.  I'm definitely going to check out some of the lessons and other resources here. 

I just started seeing the therapist this week.
I meet with him again in 3 weeks (due to scheduling issues) 
I have previously tried therapy and marital counselling however that led to my husband picking fights for 2-3 days before and after the therapy sessions, so I quickly stopped scheduling them because I could not handle the abuse to have an appointment where he took the opportunity to try to prove that he was right and i'm wrong. 

He's been telling me I am the crazy one and need therapy for so long.  So I am hoping by starting to go by myself I will show him i'm putting in the effort and he needs to as well. 
But if nothing else, hopefully this will help me become stronger and able to put up some boundaries.

[Radcliff]

Welcome!  You are going to need a broad support system, with at least five sources of regular support.  Your therapist is one.  Make bpdfamily another.  Keep a thread going so we can work with you through the challenges of learning the tools and coping.  Take a look at the threads of others so you know you're not alone, and reach out to support folks who you feel a kinship with.

What other sources of support do you have?  Do you have close friends or family you can confide in?

He's been telling me I am the crazy one and need therapy for so long.  So I am hoping by starting to go by myself I will show him i'm putting in the effort and he needs to as well. 
But if nothing else, hopefully this will help me become stronger and able to put up some boundaries.

So many of our members are told they are the crazy one.  This is almost universal.  You have absolutely hit the nail on the head that strengthening yourself and working on your boundaries is the thing to do.

What issue would you most like to develop boundaries with?

WW

[CynValkyrie]

Hey Wentworth, thanks for the reply. 
I am slowly learning I have more support than I do realize.
My mother in law has been stepping up to support me lately. She encouraged me to read Stop walking on eggshells and is currently going through it again herself, as her husband shows many signs of BPD and is struggling heavily with his mental health.  Her daughter has been diagnosed as well with it, BPD is strong in this family.   So she is one I can turn to and have in times where I need someone to tell me "you're not doing the things he says. we don't see it"  which is nice. She has told me many times that even if I decide to leave, they will be there for me and my daughter.    

The other is my Boss, her husband has been diagnosed and they've been working through this for years. So she is helping me glean some insight, which has been a huge relief and breath of fresh air. She recognized a change in me a few months ago, and had the opportunity to ask about it one day, she told me "Girl... .we recognize our own.  I know what you're going through"  and i just cried.  it was the biggest relief to know that there is something behind this and others are going through this too. 

My mom lives with us and tries to be supportive, however she is very much an enabler.  It is also hard as she is a constant source of pain in our relationship.  some times even the sight or sound of my mom makes him mad.  so i try to keep her at arms reach to a certain extent with some of this. so as not to get her deeper into it. 

The biggest issues I am currently experiencing is his rage when he completely loses it over things that are minor - can't find his drink bottle - he rages around the house clearing off tables in big arm sweeps, tossing things around the house, blaming me for moving it/taking it... .turns out it was sitting on his desk where "he looked 4 times... ."
and then the criticizing - constant, you chew too loudly, would you pick up after yourself (as I am sitting down to eat dinner and i haven't rinsed the pans off yet) if i didn't have to do everything around here, you're always arguing with our daughter, i can't leave you alone to do anything.

I'm having a hard time even wrapping my brain around how i can set boundaries with out pushing it beyond the rage it already produces.
As any time I try to indicate my feelings/perspective/thoughts on the situation it turns into "yup. you're right i'm wrong. you're always right" and i can't get him to understand there is middle ground.  I understand that no one is perfect and I have things I can improve upon, it takes two to tango as my dad always said. 
 I try to convey that in our conversations, but it always turns into me vs him. 
I miss having a partner.


   

[pearlsw]

Thank you for your reply Pearl.  

Hi CynValkyrie,

I'm so sorry to hear this! When I tried to get counseling online at one point my SO made it so difficult I just gave up. He was very controlling about it. Ugh! I shudder to remember what I went through. If I really wanted it I would fight harder for it, but I do tend to prefer handling things on my own anyway, but still... .it was horrible that he behaved that way. You have my sympathy!

It can sometimes feel like we are fighting battles on every front!

I wonder if in time you may be able to "de-fang" him a bit, so to speak with trying tools like:
SET

Validation

I am bit lucky, in one sense, in that I don't get a barrage of stuff like this. My SO lives in a black and white world, which certainly has it's own problems, but at least he sounds as if he's cooperative and caring at times.

wishing you peace, pearl.

[CynValkyrie]

Thank you for the links! It's a bit overwhelming with all of the support and wonderful things to read here! I'm having a hard time grabbing one thing before another shiny thing floats by (I suspect I have ADHD, that's something i'm planning on bringing up with my therapist next time) 
I will focus on those as they sound like a good place to start.

[Radcliff]

Wow!  Your boss and your MIL sound like gems!  That is really good to hear.  And so wonderful that your MIL offered support no matter what happens with the relationship.

Mostly I want to talk about boundaries, but do want to give you another beginner tip.  That is to learn not to “justify, argue, defend, or explain” (JADE).  Sometimes we fan the flames of conflict by the way we react to unjust accusations.  I'm not picking up on any of that from what you've said, but it's such a useful strategy I wanted to mention it before I forgot.

Raging is so upsetting in so many ways.  It's traumatic in the moment, but we also can be overwhelmed with sadness that our life partner is doing this, and also overcome with concern for our children who witness it.

When he rages and your daughter is not witnessing, how do you respond?

When he rages and your daughter is witnessing, how do you respond?

We are so glad you are here!  You are not alone.  We will work through things with you as you build your skills and strength to handle this terribly difficult situation.

WW

[CynValkyrie]

I do get into JADEing sometimes.  I'm working on recognizing when I'm doing that and trying to stear away. 

Sometimes I try to ignore it when she's around as I've learned I usually make things worse. 

We don't have much time with out her around. I will try to talk and figure out why he's mad but it usually escalates quickly to him yelling at me about what I do and don't do.

I've taken to asking simple questions or ignoring him when he's raging recently with mixed results. 

[pearlsw]

Thank you for the links! It's a bit overwhelming with all of the support and wonderful things to read here! I'm having a hard time grabbing one thing before another shiny thing floats by (I suspect I have ADHD, that's something i'm planning on bringing up with my therapist next time) 
I will focus on those as they sound like a good place to start.

Oh I hear ya! And in every crisis I had last year I'd go back and reread and reread and reread. Still somehow though, I feel like we need more material! Or to freshen some things up! I've always wished we had more information that shows good modeling for healthy communication - that really helps us to see our mistakes and be able to reduce those!

Glad to have you with us!

warmly, pearl.

[Radcliff]

Can you describe the last raging incident in detail, or if not the last, pick one that you remember well how it started and what happened?  Sometimes how we communicate can help things, sometimes we aren't that lucky and need to do damage control, often by removing ourselves with as little drama as possible.  If you can give us detail about what happens, we can help you think through responses (either verbal, like validation, or non-verbal, like removing yourself and enforcing a boundary against abusive language).

WW