Really miss him and want my partner to emerge from the doom

[SunandMoon]

Hi BD

How's the move going? I'm sure this will be a very hard weekend for you - don't forget to reach out here for support if you need.

Sending you strength   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BasementDweller]

Thank you WW and sunandmoon! Moving is (kinda) done for now. I took what I needed for the next week, and a few other basics, and we'll meet again next weekend for a visit and so I can move a few more things. The agreed upon plan at this point is that I'm not extracting all traces of my existence from our home in one fell swoop. I'm taking enough to get by in a new space, and we will let things calm down and see what happens. This new flat is also quite small, so I really only can do compact living. It's a really nice place, though.

Right now I feel pretty raw and weird after moving out, and I feel a mixture of sadness, anxiety, relief, peace, turmoil, fear, panic, calm, loneliness, numbness, loss of lust for life... .and a lot of other things. If that weird, eclectic combo makes sense. We completed the move yesterday, and couldn't sleep last night. I managed to nod off for maybe an hour or so, and I had a dream about him. That we were together and happy, he was smiling and laughing with no traces of mental illness. I was devastated when I woke up.

It was a rough weekend preparing for the move, and he was all over the place, as we prepared for it and packed up. (Which despite his moods, he helped me with, completely, in the end.)

He vacillated between angry, sad, manic, hostile, bitter, accusing, critical, empathic, comforting, punitive, friendly... .well, everything, in the course of a few days. He had outbursts of rage, moments of clarity and support, and a few hyper-ventilative panic attacks. As a result, I felt pretty disjointed and traumatized as well.

Eventually, we did manage to collaborate to move me into my new little place down the street. He was teary and edgy in the end, but very helpful, taking me to Ikea and assembling a new kitchen workbench for me. He also took me to the grocery store so I could get my own food. At the end, as I was situated and he was leaving, we hugged, and agreed this wasn't the end, just a much needed sanity break. He told me (for the first time) "My head is so full of madness and disaster, that I have to deal with that before we can move forward. You deserve a stable man. I'm in therapy. I will keep going. This is not the end, and I don't want anyone else, but I feel like I can't even take care of myself or my kids when I'm like this. I need serious help."

And just like that... .I felt a weird twinge of something like relief. He's getting help, and realizes that something is wrong and he wants to fix it. Not me... .him. That's huge. (I also realize that I can be more validating and supportive. Working on that.) :-) In other words - it's not only him that wants or needs to improve or adjust a few things. His kids will be with him Sun-Thursday this week. (Yay!) I will be NC until then - not in a negative way - just to let him focus completely on his time with them.

Where to go now? That I'm not sure about. Baby steps, I guess. :-)

[RolandOfEld]

Hi BD, I think it's really great to hear that he's at least acknowledged his need for help and has shown some determination to do this. This is his action and kudos to him for it, but I am almost 100% sure it has much to do with the actions you've taken, particularly the decision to move out. It's shown him a consequence for his behavior and that the effects those behaviors are having on those around him are real. Good work!

It is all baby steps, but I think you've taken a few Bigfoot-sized steps today.

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

Hi there ROE! 

Thank you for the kind words. I really am kind of confused about it all, and I'm having a hard time believing he is anything other than happy that I am gone, and his desire to improve has less to do with me and more to do with him finally realizing that his kids are catching on that something is horribly amiss with him.

At this point, I feel as if all his fatalistic break-up threats and screams of "I hate you, get out!" finally worked. In other words, I feel less like I decided to do this and more like I was forced out. After a while, I just had no fight left in me and wanted to stop hearing all the negativity, and all the guilt trips about how everything is my fault.

We'll see how it all rolls out, but I really do hope he is serious about trying to make positive changes. For everyone's sake. I'll see him for a bit on Thursday to pick up some things from the house.

Tonight and tomorrow I have made after work plans with friends (something I forgot I had in the middle of all this turmoil: friends) so that will be a nice distraction. Then, four days off. Thu-Sun. (Woo-hoo!)   

[SunandMoon]

Hi BD

I'm sure it must feel so strange to be in your new flat - of course that's normal, especially after all the turmoil of the past two months. I imagine I would feel really disoriented and have a lot of emotions coming up. That's okay - you now have the space to sit with and examine those emotions.

Also space to heal. You've been through a LOT. It would be totally normal to be experiencing some ptsd symptoms after all that you've been through. Time to treat yourself with all the kindness you haven't been receiving... .

Why do you feel like you have been forced out, rather than making the decision to move out? Whose decision was it? Did you find your new flat yourself? How did you find it?

It's really positive that he acknowledged he has problems. And that he says he wants to work on them. That's a big relief when they finally acknowledge this. Very validating for us too.

Of course, it's not something that will happen overnight but hopefully his awareness will continue and help him to be honest and committed in therapy, so he can make real progress.

Your plans sound great! I'm so glad you are getting out and seeing friends! What is your new flat like? Do you have a balcony or a courtyard area where you can sit outside and enjoy the weather?

[Radcliff]

BD, that eclectic mix of emotions makes total sense!

It's also totally natural for your feelings (and his) about what this moveout means to be in flux, changing from one day to the next.

It's seasons like this that the saying "One day at a time" is meant for.  Just take it day by day.  Your plans to go out with friends sound great.

WW

[BasementDweller]

Why do you feel like you have been forced out, rather than making the decision to move out? Whose decision was it? Did you find your new flat yourself? How did you find it?
What is your new flat like? Do you have a balcony or a courtyard area where you can sit outside and enjoy the weather?

Hi, sunandmoon! 

Thank you for your reply.   

I would say that I feel like I have been forced out because I would have never wanted this. When he started two months ago with his break-up threats and "GET OUT I HATE YOU!" drama, (again for the 100th time) I did the same as I always do, and went about my business doing what I could to "use the tools", validate, stay above the fray, etc. But then once his dysregulation lapsed into prolonged hostility and psychosis, it got to be overwhelming. Initially, I told him to go find me a flat, do the legwork, and facilitate the entire move, taking into consideration that evicting someone from a shared living space requires a certified written notice and three months grace period in this country. I asked him to cooperate with me in an adult manner to make this happen if it's what he really wanted. He did absolutely nothing. Not a damn thing, except plummet further down the rabbit hole.

One day I went online myself and found a place and just applied for tenancy. The renter, due to a housing shortage and extremely competitive rental market here, had over 285 requests in three days for the apartment. Each applicant had to write a letter essentially "selling ourselves" as the chosen tenant. I was picked, (fortuitously!) and moved in the following week. He begrudgingly gave me one weekend of his time to assist, and wasn't in the best attitude during it all, but he did do it. It was the bare minimum - I took care of almost everything myself. He drove me, moved some boxes, assembled a kitchen workbench. I handled the rest, all the apartment hunting, signing all the paperwork, setting the place up, etc... .relieving him of the burden of doing it - which I should have made him do, since I wanted no such thing. This is a rather drastic, expensive, inconvenient and painful overreaction to literally... .hurt feelings... .and a guy that can not emotionally cope in an adult relationship with a woman who has literally bent over backwards to be a good, caring and loyal partner. It's actually just... .sad and stupid and a huge, tragic waste.

But here's the real nuts and bolts of it all:

After so many instances of starting to feel safe with him, and actually looking forward to a future - thinking we were making progress, he would rip the rug out from underneath me in some horrible unexpected way again. Each time, I felt less and less safe. I resented that I could not look forward to holidays, vacations, birthdays, or even a sunny weekend grilling in the backyard, because planning anything that might be fun... .was never a reliable venture. So many plans, parties, get-togethers, events, even quiet sunny days alone were ruined by an unnecessary and unpredictable tsunami of discord that I never saw coming and could not prevent. I lost so many days that would have been perfect for just... .enjoying one another. So many moments I carried the household alone with no help because he just couldn't function.

Admittedly, after over two years of this, I began to feel rage toward him. Sickening hurt and anger that made me start for the first time ever recently to attack back - finally. And of course he would gloat about what a terrible person I was for yelling at him, or slamming a door after he had verbally berated me into the depths of hell over and over again, and I had held my tongue for days, weeks, months. Until I couldn't anymore.

Voila - I'm the aggressive one - his bully. I have to give him credit for how he managed to maneuver that. He pushed me over the edge more times than I can count - deliberately, and vilified me for having a natural reaction to prolonged abuse. I finally saw the light one day and realized I deserved better than this disrespect. I am a good person, a good partner, and a really solid and trustworthy house mate and life mate.

Over time, this treatment began to erode my self esteem, security, and trust. For the first time in my life I began to have thoughts about self harm and suicide. I began to feel like one of those kids you hear about who have been bullied and tormented so mercilessly by classmates or peers that they go into a closet and hang themselves. I never wanted to yell at him or lose my temper but after so many assaults on my emotional safety - so many switch backs and carpet yanks, so many snide remarks out of the blue, so many plans ruined, so much time spent trying to do damage control and repair of his melt-downs, so many times of hiding the truth of what was going on in our house to protect his integrity and privacy... .while he launched a distortion campaign against me, and alienated me from everyone we knew in common... .I began to lose it.

THAT is why I moved out. I don't want to be that person. Ever. I don't want to become as unstable as he is - and it was beginning to happen. I had to get away from him before I too became a monster.

Somewhat stupidly, I guess... .I still love him and still dream of a day when we can have the happiness, fulfillment, and love we both deserve - that every human deserves. That was what we planned and what we set out to do. He used to have a clear vision of that, and was working with me toward it. Then he fell into the mouth of madness.

But right now - I don't have the luxury of wallowing in mental illness. I'm struggling to get by in a foreign country, alone essentially, when I once had a live-in partner to share expenses and responsibilities with. I have to make it to work every day, be productive, live independently, and count on only myself to do and pay for everything now. He cannot provide any type of support, emotional or otherwise. The healthcare system here is in tatters due to a booming population, and staffing shortages. And most of all... .someone has to be the sane one in my interactions with him... .and it's not going to be him.

So yes, I feel forced out. By circumstances. I left only out of necessity, not by desire.

Back to my flat - it's lovely. It's a 15 minute bus ride from the city center in the beautiful suburban country side. It's a semi wooded neighborhood with large single family houses, which sit really far apart. A young family owns the main house and I rent the smaller private house on the lot. It's smallish, but modern and nice, and I have my own large terrace, yard, and when I look out the window, I just see green grass and forest. It's quiet and totally private. The bathroom is big and modern, and very nice with a fancy whirlpool tub. Hell, if I am going to be forced out of my home, I will not settle to live in a miserable little box. I can grill outdoors and grow my own herbs and veggies. It's like the place I shared with him... .only smaller and my own safe space. I made it a point to only move a three minute drive/20 minute walk down the road. I hope when he comes to his senses - and I have to believe he will... .it will be easy enough to return home someday soon enough.  Right now I see this as exile. A punishment of sorts. But I will try to make it as tolerable as possible.

It's seasons like this that the saying "One day at a time" is meant for.  Just take it day by day.  Your plans to go out with friends sound great.

WW

Thank you, WW! It was fun. I'm doing the same tonight. Next week I have a group lunch with work friends, and on the first of July, I am going on a horseback riding day trip by the ocean to ride Icelandic horses with the same work friends. I love horses, and used to be an avid rider - but it's been almost 20 years since I have been on a horse. I cannot wait to do this. It's been far too long since I have been in touch with my fearless adventurer side. I had started to forget who I was. That being a worthwhile person who deserves to be treated with respect. 

[Radcliff]

The horseback riding sounds fun!  And no, it is not stupid to still be in love.

Your explanation about being forced out was helpful.  It sounds like you're not describing it as a power play by him, but more like being forced out by a natural disaster, living in temporary housing until it's safe to go back.  Does that sound accurate?  B.t.w., your temporary housing sounds wonderful!  A good place to recuperate and find some joy.

WW

[RolandOfEld]

BD... .WOW. It seems fair to say you've gained some strong perspective since you've been on your own? This seems like a big tonal shift from a few weeks ago when you were focused on how to save your partner from himself.  I am very sad for what you've had to suffer, especially in a foreign country, but I am so impressed and inspired by how you've worked to save yourself. Amazing job.

~ROE

[BasementDweller]

It sounds like you're not describing it as a power play by him, but more like being forced out by a natural disaster, living in temporary housing until it's safe to go back.  Does that sound accurate?
WW

Hey, WW!   

Yes, that's mostly accurate. I think there was some element of power play on his part, but I think it was more rooted in defense mechanisms than calculated hostility. I do think he wanted to alienate me to feel "safe". Mostly from the responsibilities that come from being at least 50% accountable for emotional maturity in a relationship.

But the natural disaster analogy is totally spot on. Like most natural disasters, there were warning signs, but one can't ultimately prevent the impending disaster. A strange alteration in barometric pressure might be a precursor to a hurricane, and you might observe it and know full well what's coming... .but it still doesn't give you the means with which to stop it. Nothing does. It's still gonna happen.

So yes, I'd say that's where I am at now. In a hurricane shelter, so to speak. Riding out the storm... .but once the storm lifts, I'm afraid to see the pile of splintered debris that might be all that remains of the place I once called home.

BD... .WOW. It seems fair to say you've gained some strong perspective since you've been on your own? This seems like a big tonal shift from a few weeks ago when you were focused on how to save your partner from himself.  I am very sad for what you've had to suffer, especially in a foreign country, but I am so impressed and inspired by how you've worked to save yourself. Amazing job.

~ROE

Thank you, ROE! Yes, I suppose it's true that I erroneously clung to the belief that with just the right amount of love and understanding he'd be fine and we'd be fine. But as we all know far too well on the BPD Fam boards... .no. Eventually, I had to shift my perspective to "putting my own oxygen mask on" if you know what I mean. I'm still here for him when the time is right to reconnect, but that may take a while. (If it happens at all.)

During the last two months when he has lashed angrily out at me, telling me to get out, and saying how much he hates me, (alternating with how much he loves me) he maintained that in order for him to feel better he needed his space. Finally, out of compassion for his waning sanity, I left, and he seems to only be getting worse. I went three days with NC, assuming things would calm down, but he re-initiated contact in a not so nice manner. Just to stir the pot again, and send a series of defensive and antagonistic mails. *sigh* I have no idea what triggered it. I hadn't even said a word.

We were to meet today for me to pick up a few more things, and either Saturday or Sunday to just "hang out". He left last Sunday (moving day) on civil terms agreeing that we would continue moving some items, but also - no hard feelings. We'd meet again soon.

Not gonna happen. He wrote 11 emails yesterday, panicking about the details, changing the plans, making demands and ultimatums, saying things that made no sense "I need to know which house plants are yours! I will take care of them as I see fit!" (They all are mine. He can't grow anything and has never tried.) It was all weird. He then went on about his stress and his health and how he has to think about that. Sure.

I sent this reply:

"I'm sincerely worried about the stress that you mentioned you were feeling. That must be very hard on you. What I can do is collaborate with you to find a time that works better for you, so we can take care of some things later. Please let me know if there is anything additional I can do to support you during this stressful time."


He came to my new flat yesterday when I was still at work (not by invitation, or with me even knowing) and dropped off an odd bag of odds and ends, and a charcoal Webber grill that while nice, I did not request and can't possibly use right now. He left this stuff by the doorstep. (?)

It seems my leaving hasn't helped him to regulate any. He swore that was what he needed.

Yes, I'm working on myself but one lingering doubt remains. How the hell can I not get it right? Everything I do has a bad result, and I have tried it all. That's a bit humbling.

[SunandMoon]

Hi BD

Wow - your summary of why you moved out really helps put things into perspective. I'm so sorry you've had to endure such a rollercoaster of madness. I can imagine it's taken a huge toll on your nerves. 

Each time, I felt less and less safe. I resented that I could not look forward to holidays, vacations, birthdays, or even a sunny weekend grilling in the backyard, because planning anything that might be fun... .was never a reliable venture. So many plans, parties, get-togethers, events, even quiet sunny days alone were ruined by an unnecessary and unpredictable tsunami of discord that I never saw coming and could not prevent.

Because it's really not just the past two months... .it has been over two years of you trying to hold back the tsunami. Of having your hopes dashed, of having your life turned upside down without warning, of having your heart broken a little more each time... .

These are important realisations you are having. I know you still love him and have hope that it will work one day.

However, I am so glad you have taken this time apart... .to help you heal from some of the stress all this has taken on you - body and soul - and to start putting things in perspective. It may have been in response to endless pushing from him but you intuitively knew the right thing to do.

Is he going to use this time in a constructive way? I think you know the answer really. You're seeing it now.

All you can really do is what you have been doing. Be calm, be the stable one, keep a good grasp on reality. You didn't do this, you didn't cause it and you can't cure it. But you can model healthy sane behaviour and hope that, one day, he snaps out of it and really makes the effort to pull himself out of the rabbit hole.

Do you need anything from the house, things you were expecting to get yesterday? If so, I would just go over there and get what you need. You don't need to be involved in a scene; just pick up the things you want to make yourself comfortable. Sounds like your house plants need rescuing too!

If you're willing, do you want to share what he is saying in these emails? I'm guessing you never got a response to that beautiful love letter you wrote?

Until then, please take excellent care of yourself despite your heartache. At this stage of our lives we shouldn't be going through 'teenage angst ', which is what a relationship with a pwBPD often feels like.

Your new house sounds so lovely. I can almost picture it! Do I understand correctly that you have a break from work until Monday? Why not set that Webber up in the garden and have yourself a grill? That whirlpool bath sounds like it's crying out for some yummy bubble bath and you in it with a book and a glass of wine too!

[Radcliff]

Yes, I'm working on myself but one lingering doubt remains. How the hell can I not get it right? Everything I do has a bad result, and I have tried it all. That's a bit humbling.

BD, my friend, remember that this is not a situation where if you just "get it right," all will be well.  All you can do is learn and practice and do your very best.  You can apply your talents and creativity and energy, making sure you're explored as many avenues to improve the situation as possible.  Much is beyond your control.  Your efforts are heroic.  Relationship success is your goal of course.  But do not judge yourself based on whether that goal is met.  In our eyes, you've already passed the exam and are far into extra credit territory.  Your story is far from told.  Hang in there, and we'll stick with you.

WW

[pearlsw]

Hi BD,

We share so much in common! I am so impressed though in that you are so far ahead of me in functioning in your overseas life. I would love to have a great job and my own place here, I don't think I could ever pull that off in this country! And I'm sure I could get that in order easily in my home country at this point either! It's a big climb.

I dealt with a very extreme rolling crisis for many years. The only thing that finally slowed it down to anything looking like a normal life was encouraging him, and gently guiding him, towards taking medication. Has your guy shown any kind of interest in such an approach? It just sounds like too much when they go on and on like this at such an extreme level.

When you see the side of him that loves you, what does that side say? Do you ever see it? Is there a way to get through to that side of him? I had to a lot of speechifying to hold onto that person and help get him to a doctor. He is now, finally, extremely grateful about this... .but the hard part for us now is my love has been nearly totally drained. I am not sure I love him enough anymore to hold on... .still considering this.  It's okay that you love him. I know I did through some horrible times too. We are human and we naturally want to love and make things better.

with deep compassion and friendship, pearl.

[BasementDweller]

Hi guys - thank you for your posts.

I'm at rock bottom right now. I have never felt so bad in my life. Horrible experience yesterday.

I need to keep to myself for a while.

[pearlsw]

Hi guys - thank you for your posts.

I'm at rock bottom right now. I have never felt so bad in my life. Horrible experience yesterday.

I need to keep to myself for a while.

Okay! Sending you lots of   and     !

We're here when you are ready!

[SunandMoon]

I'm so sorry to hear this, BD

Take all the time you need and be very gentle with yourself. We'll be here to help when you're ready.

Hoping things get better for you soon   

[babyducks]

Hi Basement Dweller,
I'm sorry.
You've been through a lot.
This is very hard stuff.
Do what you can to put yourself first & be kind to yourself.
'ducks