Part TWO - Conflict Receding but still a lot of navigation to be done.

[sladezy]

Hey no problem.

I'm in a fairly untouchable mental state or a state of mostly peace. That being said the amount of unanswered or avoided questions seems to be slowly piling up. The holiday was nice and seemly like nothing was ever wrong with our relationship. We have booked a couples councilling session which I hope we can use to work on some better communication and whatever she might want to raise in the meeting. I'm hoping not to rush into anything like moving back in together but I feel like not living together puts more strain on the children. The financial issue that started the ball rolling on things moving in this direction seems like it has become a none issue and all other requests are seemingly being denied or ignored at this stage and any attempt I've made to discuss a plan have yet to be recieved constructively. Hopefully after the councilling or during that may start to take shape.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Glad to hear that you're doing OK.  Sounds like it's good to have the time apart, and you're wise to not want to jump back together, though I understand your concern about the kids.  A healthy relationship between their Mom and Dad is hugely important to their well-being and their future as well-adjusted adults, more so than any short-term discomfort.  Kids also tend to mirror the emotions of their parents, so if you and your wife can be calm about the separation, that helps.

What would you say are the top three things that you'd want to see improved prior to being ready to move back in together?

WW

[sladezy]

Hi Wentworth,

I'm at a point now where I don't even know directly what needs to improve anymore. Communication is a definite though she doesn't seem interested and gets agitated every time I try to discuss what has happened and what my expectations are moving forward. I think her main reasons for getting back together are purely financial based and to make other daily family chores etc easier on her. That's really no grounds to rebuild a relationship at all. I'm constantly being faced with being told I was the problem for what has happened without any acknowledgement or discussion on how her actions have effected the situation. In my eyes she hasn't yet and isn't open to changing any part of her routine in order the better prioritize the fall out. I'm going with the flow but really hesitant. My gut, head and heart seems to think it's a bad idea or not the right time but I am still hanging in there. Even so I'm not just going to be an open wallet so I can see my kids every day and I'm not prepared to continually go through this cycle of negative behaviour and set the poorest example possible for the children. I just don't know right now. Time will be the only one to tell I suppose.

[Radcliff]

sladezy, it's important to pay attention to your gut in these things.  It sound like one of the biggest things for you is seeing some recognition from her about her ownership for her behavior and her part of the relationship.  I can relate.

I'm sorry for forgetting, but is your wife involved in therapy?  Is she doing DBT?  Is it possible to get DBT where you are?  Are you in therapy?  (Again, I feel like I should know this; please refresh my memory).

WW

[sladezy]

Wentworth,

I have been seeing a psychologist most of the last 12 months, see has been seeing a councillor a handful of time but not really for the core issues just beating around the bush and justifying her behaviour. We recently did a couples session on imago dialogue but unsure if we will continue that or seek a different Avenue. From what I've researched DBT is in my area but with very long waiting lists over 12 months and people are prioritised on their severity. Since we have no diagnosis that puts us at the bottom of the list.

[CryWolf]

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