Will he ever leave me alone?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been trying to permanently end contact with an ex. Admittedly, I have caved and given into his demands to speak with me. Over time I have become more determined to completely end all forms of contact with him. The entire time we have been in a relationship he has not followed through on any promises and has not changed at all. I have expressed my unhappiness for over a year and he continues to blame me for his mistreatment of me. When I confronted him finally about his violent nature getting worse over time as exemplified in his slamming the door on my leg while I'm pregnant his response is "I didn't know you were pregnant." He screams this with such conviction and blames me for "trying to run away". Right--if only I were good and sit there while he goes nuts on me then he wouldn't HAVE to hurt me.

Now that I'm pregnant I've truly accepted how sick he is and I will never see him again. I believe that he has the ability to hurt me and my child. He is completely obsessed with two options and two options only. I abort "the f'ing thing" (his words) or I move into his studio apartment, get a job, take care of the baby, and "not be such a ___" (again his words). He has contributed zero cents to prenatal care, and doesn't even ask how I am doing. The last time he was kind to me was during the love bombing two years ago. That didn't last long of course. As soon as he started to attack me I asked him if there is anything he likes about me and he answered my question with a question (as always): ":)o YOU like anything about me?" I have not since then heard a compliment that isn't sexual.

The last time we spoke he said that I'm a liar, a manipulator, a psycho, a ___, a loser, that I am a slut, don't know how to shut the f up, the reason he can't quit smoking, the reason he needs to drink, and that I gave my mother cancer. I asked why then would he want to be with someone like this, and instead of answering he asks, "Why do you want to be with me?"

I do? I have been telling him for months that it is over--please help me understand what is going on. How do I get this person out of my life? I am so done with this relationship that I am giving my child up for adoption. I tried to speak him about this and he refused to have any conversation outside of abortion or my moving in with him. That is a death trap. And a very expensive one.

How does this person not understand that by mistreating me, expecting me to pay for things left and right, calling me names, and telling me that calling me a "whore" is a compliment--these things do not encourage me to want to stay! Who does he think he is? I don't want him to have any reason to contact me ever again. I am pregnant and this is how I get treated. And when I have mentioned how can he treat me like this  as I am the mother of his child, he retorts, "How can YOU treat the father of this child like this?"

When I ask him to elaborate, "What does 'this' mean?" He responds, "If you don't know then you're even stupider than I thought." and hangs up. He will then call me back and insist that I apologize to him and will continue to scream at me about unrelated incidences from years ago (I've already apologized to him multiple times), and/or he will scream about how I've wronged him and that I cannot walk away from this "mess" I've made. This will continue for hours and he is talking to himself. When he asks a question and I try to answer he speaks over me and asks another dozen questions. Then when I am distraught and trying not to cry (if I cry that angers him more) he shouts that I could care less about him because I always was and always will be a f'ing ___.

I have tried to explain to his family that the relationship cannot work, that I cannot bring any happiness to him, and they have all told me that I am selfish for not being able to put my feelings aside for the sake of the baby. They also deny that my description of him is accurate. I am confident that I would be fine walking and not looking back.

How do I move on from this? Will he ever stop harassing me? What can I do?

[Getoverit]

I have been trying to permanently end contact with an ex. Admittedly, I have caved and given into his demands to speak with me. Over time I have become more determined to completely end all forms of contact with him. The entire time we have been in a relationship he has not followed through on any promises and has not changed at all. I have expressed my unhappiness for over a year and he continues to blame me for his mistreatment of me. When I confronted him finally about his violent nature getting worse over time as exemplified in his slamming the door on my leg while I'm pregnant his response is "I didn't know you were pregnant." He screams this with such conviction and blames me for "trying to run away". Right--if only I were good and sit there while he goes nuts on me then he wouldn't HAVE to hurt me.

Now that I'm pregnant I've truly accepted how sick he is and I will never see him again. I believe that he has the ability to hurt me and my child. He is completely obsessed with two options and two options only. I abort "the f'ing thing" (his words) or I move into his studio apartment, get a job, take care of the baby, and "not be such a ___" (again his words). He has contributed zero cents to prenatal care, and doesn't even ask how I am doing. The last time he was kind to me was during the love bombing two years ago. That didn't last long of course. As soon as he started to attack me I asked him if there is anything he likes about me and he answered my question with a question (as always): ":)o YOU like anything about me?" I have not since then heard a compliment that isn't sexual.

The last time we spoke he said that I'm a liar, a manipulator, a psycho, a ___, a loser, that I am a slut, don't know how to shut the f up, the reason he can't quit smoking, the reason he needs to drink, and that I gave my mother cancer. I asked why then would he want to be with someone like this, and instead of answering he asks, "Why do you want to be with me?"

I do? I have been telling him for months that it is over--please help me understand what is going on. How do I get this person out of my life? I am so done with this relationship that I am giving my child up for adoption. I tried to speak him about this and he refused to have any conversation outside of abortion or my moving in with him. That is a death trap. And a very expensive one.

How does this person not understand that by mistreating me, expecting me to pay for things left and right, calling me names, and telling me that calling me a "whore" is a compliment--these things do not encourage me to want to stay! Who does he think he is? I don't want him to have any reason to contact me ever again. I am pregnant and this is how I get treated. And when I have mentioned how can he treat me like this  as I am the mother of his child, he retorts, "How can YOU treat the father of this child like this?"

When I ask him to elaborate, "What does 'this' mean?" He responds, "If you don't know then you're even stupider than I thought." and hangs up. He will then call me back and insist that I apologize to him and will continue to scream at me about unrelated incidences from years ago (I've already apologized to him multiple times), and/or he will scream about how I've wronged him and that I cannot walk away from this "mess" I've made. This will continue for hours and he is talking to himself. When he asks a question and I try to answer he speaks over me and asks another dozen questions. Then when I am distraught and trying not to cry (if I cry that angers him more) he shouts that I could care less about him because I always was and always will be a f'ing ___.

I have tried to explain to his family that the relationship cannot work, that I cannot bring any happiness to him, and they have all told me that I am selfish for not being able to put my feelings aside for the sake of the baby. They also deny that my description of him is accurate. I am confident that I would be fine walking and not looking back.

How do I move on from this? Will he ever stop harassing me? What can I do?

[spero]

Hi there Getoverit,

It is good to get an update from you, but at the same time i am really sorry for the set of circumstances you're in right now.
Getoverit, i seldom voice my personal opinion on matters, but i am very very concerned that continued close proximity with your ex partner will not only do harm to your physical being, but also to your unborn child as you have so rightly put.

I also observe a whole string of accusations, which i would probably believe have no substance or evidence perhaps. He has also demonstrated that he is at present, unable to grasp the reality of the situation as having fathered a child. Getoverit, i am really sorry that how he is responding in this situation gives you no comfort or support at all. From the description of how you've explained the situation, he really is unable to have at the point of time when you've described this situation, little or not ability to see any situation beyond his need.

Getoverit, my heartaches for you. I don't know much about the background prior to this most recent update. But i suppose with his family, two things - either there exists a certain degree of existing dysfunction within his family or, he has probably gaslighted his own family which then also becomes a dysfunction in itself. Getoverit, i would humbly think that expanding your energy on explaining things to his family isn't going to work at all.

Getoverit, if you're ready to take serious measures, i believe we do have some resources to walk you through that. If you choose to take extreme measures, the only way forward is to extricate yourself completely from his reach, that also involves certain extreme set of measures. I don't know about child custody, but certainly, you would not want your child to land up in the care of him or his family, if your description of his side of the family is as you say it is.

Dear getoverit, i think i'd also would like to suggest that you'd refute whatever accusations made toward you, especially if you know they aren't true in your gut. That, from what you've described is just some serious devaluation as a person. Right now, his interactions with you are hurtful and not helpful for your mental well being, it is may i add, also emotional abuse (devaluation), its that kind of serious continuous personal attacks and the audacity of dig up past resolved issues, which when prolonged, can cause really serious mental damage to anyone, and they start to eventually believe that its true. I'd like to immediate say that, for what you've said, i have high reason to doubt his credibility.

Take good good care, getoverit, let us know your decision, and if you're ready to take serious measures to get away from him, we can probably start the ball rolling.

Yours,
Spero.

[Getoverit]

Hi Spero, Thank you for your support. I have been in therapy for a year now (exclusively focusing on my issues with him) and I understand that this relationship was never meant to last. He had me convinced for a while that I was worthless and stupid, but due to his nonsensical accusations and reactions to things (e.g. Saying that I gave my mother cancer, insisting he had no contact whatsoever with his ex which later proves to be untrue, etc.) I know that in the least I'm not the only stupid one. This pregnancy is saving my life. I can now do what should have been done a long time ago and walk away from him without any doubt that I'm doing the right thing.

I don't know if he will use the child as a way to try to get to me, but he will have to work through legal channels as the child will be adopted. I doubt he cares enough to put in any effort. Nonetheless, I am hypervigilant and have alerted all parties involved of what has been happening.

Never again will interact with his family. They have made it clear that they are not interested in addressing any of his abusive behavior. I consider all of them as part of the problem. It is their choice to live in denial and I am certain they will be fine as they're capable of enabling him.

No matter how I approach him he finds fault in what I say and do. When he had to see an oral surgeon I sent a brief text asking him how the appointment went and he criticized me for being clueless and irresponsible. "You're worried about my appointment? What the f is wrong with you? Shouldn't you be worried about this situation you've caused?" Am I clueless and responsible as he says? I don't feel that I am and if anything I think this is a clear example of his inability to empathize and my own capacity to care about his health despite his total disregard for mine and the baby.

Can you please offer instructions or guidance as to how to access the resources you mentioned? As I mentioned, I highly doubt he will actually confront what has been happening, but I do want to be prepared for him to retaliate as he finds creative ways to bother me.

Thank you again for reading my post and taking interest in offering support. I used to want so badly for him to validate my feelings. That desire is gone now and I am okay with saying that we are both better off without each other.

[spero]

Hi Getoverit,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, I see that you've been in therapy as well.
What has your therapist recommended you at this point in time regarding separation?

I'd like to chip in but i think it's also good to hear what your therapist has shared, which gives us some better understanding from his/her pov before trying to tackle your situation from another point?

Yours,
Spero

[Getoverit]

My therapist recommends enforcing no contact and working towards "radical acceptance" and exercising mindfulness. She thinks he will not and cannot change. I agree. I have been kinder to myself these past few months and spend time with people who like me for who I am (as opposed to hating me for what I'm not).

[spero]

Hi there Getoverit,

My therapist recommends enforcing no contact and working towards "radical acceptance" and exercising mindfulness. She thinks he will not and cannot change. I agree. I have been kinder to myself these past few months and spend time with people who like me for who I am (as opposed to hating me for what I'm not).

I would like to second what your therapist has recommended you to do, in bettering yourself. These mentioned steps are not in anyway a way to play "tit for tat" or to give him a cold shoulder hoping he turns over. No contact as your therapists suggests, is a process of gradual detachment and a journey unto full acceptance of the presentation situation.

Regarding no contact, if you are viewing the site on a desktop, you would see steps to detachment -   https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm you can click that link. We also have a process on how to begin healing, but i am uncertain if following two sets of approaches would reap greater benefits, which i believe from your response has been helpful for you already.

Here is a direct link to how no contact works, if your therapist has not yet taught you the steps to do so. https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm
I suppose how this community works in tandem with your therapy is that this place provides you the space to share your thoughts and grief and struggles, that you're not alone and that you're not going crazy, and you're not to be fully responsible or to shoulder the full blame of why things happen this way.

Takeheart, Getoverit we're here to listen anytime.
Spero.