Daughter In Law and her Toxic Family

[Momof2Gramof2]

I have read many of your posts and feel very fortunate that my DIL to be hasn't taken my son or our grandchildren away...yet!  She was 17 when she had our gd who is 7.  My son legally adopted her last year.  We love her very much and am glad he adopted her so he has rights to her.  He loves her very much too.  They also have an almost 2 year old son together.  They are getting married next month.  He is just suppose to "show up" on the day.  She is handling everything.  I know and feel sad for her that she was brought up in a very toxic family of mostly women.  

The grandmother is the worst, she raised 2 daughters and they are hateful, nasty people too.  Then there is my DIL and her sister.  Her sister doesn't seem quite as bad but my DIL dislikes me very much because "I don't listen to her."  We had spent time with her 3 different times when my son asked if they could move in with us until they bought a house.  He tends to jump right in when he is in a relationship.  He is kind, loving, and wants to help people.  I think it makes him feel good to be needed and be someone's night in shining armour.  We have a very close relationship with our son.  It's not weird, but he loves and respects us very much.  He also wants to make us proud.  He does because he is a great dad, a hard worker, and treats us with respect and love.  She, on the other hand, moved in and told me all about the horrible things her mom and grandmother did to her...not physical or sexual abuse, but emotional and withholding types of abuse.  

My DIL is has anger issues, is volatile, quick tempered, a bully and is mean and doesn't care if she hurts someone's feelings, especially mine.  I still don't understand why my son is attracted to her.  I believe he fell in love with her daughter first and they were a package deal.  He has come to us once and said he doesn't know how much more he can take of her craziness.  He wants to marry her and I think it's because he hopes it will get better.  It seems like if she is having a slow week in the drama department she stirs stuff up.  

Her mother and DIL have a love/hate relationship.  When she moved in with me she wasn't really talking to her mom.  But, all of a sudden, they because best friends after living here.  Her mother can't stand me and I feel the same about her.  I let my DIL and gd live FOR FREE with me for an entire year.  They paid for nothing!  We wanted to give them the opportunity to save money to buy a house.  She didn't safe a dime.  My son bought the house on his own because of her poor credit.   Two weeks after they moved into their new home I got my first LONG blast of an text message about everything I'm doing wrong.  I don't know my boundries, I don't listen to her, it went on and on.  

She got pregnant while they lived here and my son wanted this to happen.  They really didn't know each other but he has issues with waiting for what he wants.  He is 26 now and has grown up so much in the last 2 years.  Her mother cancelled her babyshower for my gd because they weren't speaking.  I wanted to give them a beautiful babyshower because I knew it might be my only chance because she didn't really even want anymore kids because of the favoritism that would happen that she couldn't deal with.  I'm accused of it at least once a month and she counts photos I share also.  We moms decided to put on a shower together...big mistake!  I wanted it a certain way and her mom is super cheap so she quit on me.  I believe she didn't want to spend money and everything I did was "taking over" so she just quit.  

MY DIL has been punishing me for the past 2 years now for this baby shower that was absolutely gorgeous!  I spent a lot of money to make it beautiful, classy and fun.  Her mom brought a 1/2 watermelon with fruit in it on a rusty cookie sheet!  It has been hell ever since.  

We weren't allowed at the hospital until after our gs was born.  My daughter flew 500 miles to be there for her brother!  She was so upset and sobbing over this whole situation.  We have never missed anything our children have done but we missed the most important day of our son's life!  Her family was there!  I believe the reason she hasn't taken my gc away from me is because she likes her "kid free" time.  If it helps her out we can have them.  She accuses me of playing favorites but lets my gd come as much as we want her.  She does withhold the gs a little, but you'd think if I favor him she wouldn't let us have our gd.  We do so much with her and she attends the school I work at so I have her in the mornings and she spends one night a week with us during school time.  She adores us and much as we adore her.  

My son has told her she acts crazy and like an a-hole sometimes and that is her biggest problem with me. He sticks up for me when she is creating drama.  One time she told me that she will always be on the back burner to me and he is a momma's boy.  He is a good son, but makes his own decisions.  He sometimes wants our opinion but doesn't need it or take it when he disagrees.  We have a very healthy relationship with him and I am sure of it because I have worked in public education for 30 years and have seen it all!  My DIL continues to send me hateful text messages.  She won't confront me and look me in the eye.  We have had words a few times when it got really bad but nothing changes.  She can say whatever she feels like, her way is always right, and treat us however she feels but if I did the things she has done to me we would be forbidden.  

I have never been hateful or mean to her.  I refuse to treat her the way she treats me.  I have told her that I will not engage anymore in her text rants and if she has a problem then we, including my son, will sit down and discuss it together.  I feel like she wants to be part of a "normal, loving family" but when she got that it shows her how messed up her own family is and I know she is desperate to have a real mother/daughter relationship with her mom.  For example, last Christmas her mom got her sister an apple watch and because she paid a dental bill for my DIL she gave her a bag of M&Ms.  She cried all the way home.  I think her mom gives her just enough to keep her coming back but treats her terribly to show her who's boss.  My son says the sister is the golden child because she hasn't gotten pregnant yet and is "in college."  She is partying her way through it and has dropped out a few times and is now doing nursing online.  

What I see in her mother is a very angry person that grew up dirt poor and treated terribly and is trying so hard to show everybody she is a somebody now.  She drives a Mercedes and has designer handbags and shoes but lives in an apt.  I hope I can read some of the articles and helpful advice from this site to try not to take it so personally because she treats everybody terrible, but the worst is done to me.  

Thank you all for listening and any advice you can give me.  Does this sound like by DIL has BPD?  From what I've read it seems so.  Please tell me if you don't agree.  Thank you.

[Turkish]

It sounds like both DIL and her mom have traits of BPD, and that DIL might be kind of enmeshed, even if she's not the Golden Child.

It's odd that she withholds your blood gs yet not his sister.  I know it blood doesn't matter to you (neither to me, I'm adopted).

We do have a lot of material here, maybe too much. You might want to start with the most basic validation tool of SET:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

See the link at the end for the member discussion thread. 

There is also Triangulation going on, which you should be mindful of. Maybe another member can link that info.

The good things here are that you still have access to your grandbabies, and that you have a good relationship with your son.  I'm glad that you reached out to us for support.  We've too often had members come here after almost complete emotional cut off, and by that point it's much harder to improve relationships. 



Turkish

[worn_out]

My DIL continues to send me hateful text messages.

Can you mute her texts? I am so sorry you're going through this. It's important to keep up with old friends and remember the life you have outside of your relationship with your son and DIL. Travel, enjoy your friends and hobbies, and create a rich life for yourself. This will give your the emotional resources to deal with your DIL and her toxic family.

[Cloudy009]

I think its hard to say from this if they have BPD but I agree there are some traits.
I think once BPD is established it's very hard for a person to ever really own up to their behavior and change.

As someone with a BPD NPD mother and father who abused me I didn't really act out like this except took it out on myself. However I certainly found myself in situations of people thinking I'm weird and not good enough to date guys I was with or parents disliking me because I was a goth chain smoking kid. I don't think anyone gets out of an abusive upbringing unscathed. I wanted nothing more than the people I was dating friends and family to embrace me like my parents never did but I was shy and standoffish so they disliked me too which was even more painful.

It sounds like your DIL learned some bad confused behavior from her upbringing. You also said however that she wants a normal loving family.

I get your frustrated she's not a healthy loving DIL who is embracing you and you can have the perfect relationship but she seems young and scarred.

I don't know if she will change or if she has BPD but I think you need to be the bigger healthy person and set boundaries yourself such as not accepting mean text messages as she is sending. Try not to take it personal but take a step back as you are doing and just notice this is bad behavior she learned from and unhealthy family.

Saying things like "I don't see what my son sees in her." Is bad behavior back though. Obviously there is something to love. Sometimes I wonder is my BPD Mom is a supervillan and all her loving qualities are just manipulations. She can act very loving but I don't know. I don't know if she relates to normal people's emotions sometimes. I don't know how she loves people with what she does sometimes or if she does yet I try to love what qualities I can in her. You said it yourself she is a girl who wants to be loved.  Having an attitude back is putting things out there like you don't want her in your family and it is a tug of war of love as she see it for your son. Is it gonna be her or you? If she doesn't have BPD and is just messed up from a mean mother this could be even more hurtful.

I was trained well by my BPD Mom to feel people out and emotions and I would certainly pick up on if my MIL was wondering what her son saw in me.

She may continue to be unhealthy but your son is an adult. You can either chose to not engage with her and her bad behavior and stay closed off to her or you can recognize the bad behavior for what it is, see this as her disfunction, put strong boundaries up when you need to and try to give her the unconditional love as you would your own child and that she may need. Over time she may learn to trust you and create a more healthy relationship.

If the person has BPD like my Mom I have found the more unconditional love and honesty I give her she just runs right over it and keeps going and unless she is in total control wants to mess up my life.

I can love her from afar but since she never admits to any fault and continues to stir up drama  I simply can't even engage in any honest relationship with her. You will find its impossible. No abuse is admitted to,  no apologies. If you bring up and faults you are met with denial and hostility.

If you really want to see if you are dealing with BPD behavior I would read Stop Walking on Eggshells. That is what it literally feels like you are doing with someone with BPD and there is really no way out of their storm except closing yourself off from afar if not completely walking away. Since you have grandkids and that is not an option it helps to just keep strong boundaries and do not get caught up in the arguments and drama. There is no winning.

I'm not an expert by any means but dealing with my BPD Mom my whole life and having my own scars this is my best advice.