Indelible Loop...

[T-riddle]

The depression is back everybody. It's been almost 1 year since I've been in contact with my xBPD. She has attempted to "reach out" via an Instagram friend request, which I rejected---twice. I was doing good for a while,  working out, reading countless books, and mentally preparing to start Law school. However, I now find myself again obsessing over her ceaselessly. I mentioned in a latter post that I had access to her social media passcodes. It is of no surprise that members of this board have advised me to stop logging into her account, and for a while I was able to suspend such activity, and hold onto what little bit of dignity I could contain. Time has passed, and it's as if I have been enchanted again with a spell, one that has me hypnotized and pining for my BPDx's love. I logged into her Facebook and I have discovered that she has left her previous x who she left me for, and has now moved once again close to my hometown, where she is now involved with yet another love interest. I saw in a Facebook video her kissing him. As their lips departed this new guy smiled pleasurably, as did she. I watched as they shared drinks and rode around the town with their bicycles, ostensibly, in love. I sardonically smirked as I watched how in love they looked, aware, that just two months ago she was with another guy.In the moment I shut down my feelings, and shrugged it off as typical BPD insanity, but deep down I know I was deeply disturbed by her ability to love, just about anyone. Me and her were together for 3.5 years. We were best friends. She talked with me openly about her disorder, and often openly, lucidly, and honestly. I thought we were so good for each other. I cannot fathom how the hell she has not reached out to me nor called. I keep fantasizing late at night that we will have a reunion, and once then she will admit to me that she has always loved me and wants to work things out.

Just to recap, I am the one that broke things off with her. She started acting coldly toward me and kindly towards one of her ex's, typical triangulation and devaluation, and that's when I realized that I needed to walk away. I treated her to good to be treated like garbage. The night that I had planned to end the relationship, she sent me a voice message saying she loved me and that she was going to try and get help and that she would try to see a Psychiatrist. Ironically she had told me this one to many times and I lost faith in her ability to change. After crying for what seemed like hours, I sent her a text message and broke it off, and said that I loved her but that I wanted to be happy, and that I could not do it any longer. I wished her the best and she never replied to my message. That was the last time any contact has been made. I have been proud of myself for not reaching out to her, but god it's been so hard.

It didn't help that I logged into her account and read a message from her and one of our old mutual friends, and in the message our old friend asked her how I was doing. She told her that I had x'd her out and that she will always love me, but realized that she is not an asset to my life.

Reading that message sent me through a world-wind of emotions. Part of me felt relieved that she was mature enough to know that for the most part I was a very good person, whom only tried to love and support her. Another part of me was infuriated. If she knew that I deserved more, then why let me go... .why couldn't she freaking fight for me. I know it's irrational of me to just think she can control her capricious nature, but I just want her back. I'm in need of help. Please give me some sound advice.

[Roler]

T-riddle, I can imagine you can feel distressed to be experiencing these feelings coming back again. The missing, the wanting back, the questions, all after having done " so good for a while". You had been doing good, until something happened, which triggered a whole range of emotions and now makes you probably feel you're  back to square one. Even if nothing specifically triggered it, this could still happen even after months.
What strategies did you apply in the past when you had these feelings and emotions? Have you tried those again?

Regarding the social media login codes; given what triggered these emotions to come back up and overwhelm you, I think you're asking quite a lot of yourself having her social media logins but expecting yourself not to use it. Sooner or later, the temptation would be too big for many many people. Even after months. Or years.

I dont know more details of your relation with her as such, but you describe both the situation of watching videos of her with her current relation as well as finding messages of her mentioning about that she loves you.
Was that what you expected or hoped for to find accesing her social media?
Where you surprised or did it comfirm what you already knew?

Have you considered the fact that with her knowing you can log in to her account (assuming here she has given you her login details )  and see all her messages, videos and what not, she still can manipulate you and keep you attached to her that way, without having to make that an active effort?

You mentioned you did ok, until you accessed her social media. I think its not unreasonable to suggest you really should consider getting rid of those login details now. To protect yourself from the temptation and for your detachment and recovery to be more focused on yourself. We are all human here and temptation, especially where it is related to such intense emotions as love and what you can feel in missing, loving and wanting a person, is an ever present entity. It eventually comes down to what you will do with it. Try not to be too hard on yourself and allow your "fallback" to be there for what it is. It doesnt mean you wont be able to move forward again.

[Cromwell]

Have you considered the fact that with her knowing you can log in to her account (assuming here she has given you her login details )  and see all her messages, videos and what not, she still can manipulate you and keep you attached to her that way, without having to make that an active effort?

This thought came to my mind straight away too. Its quite easy on FB to look back at the activity log and see everything that has been done on the account. All she would have to do is look at this and realise those messages or pages etc were accessed at a time she wasnt online.

T-riddle, I think there is a lot to be said for you were doing well but have now slipped back into obsessional thinking. Be careful what you wish for, if there is this latent or even conscious desire that the contacts you and you feel bad because she hasnt, all it takes is for her to have the opportunity plus the circumstances where she is no longer coping and either would like to triangulate with you or find herself without another relationship and want to come back. If youve read here for awhile, you will know all to well the unexpected attempts to recycle that come out of the blue, sometimes in months sometimes in many years. It sounds like you havent drawn a complete line under this one, not fully emotionally detached, you left her for good reasons, youve had time to heal from the disappointment, this looking at her FB is just ripping at scabs that are trying to heal.

When you are thinking about her, it can become almost like an itch you want to go away, the thought of maybe looking at her FB will take it away, I dont think it does I think it just makes it worse. As long as you have the ability to log into her account, that temptation is hard to overcome, I think you need to somehow practically find a way to destroy the codes if you dont remember them otherwise or some technical way of locking yourself out, removing your ability to do so. Ive changed my sim card, im not able to contact my ex anymore, that has been already a bit advantage for those vulnerable times ive felt the urge to "reach out" which has been more about trying to deal with some inner conflicted feelings than to actually talk with her again.

[spero]

Hi T-riddle,

How are you doing now? I hope you feel a little better since the time you've posted this.
I'd like to join in Cromwell and Roler in saying hello.

The depression is back everybody. It's been almost 1 year since I've been in contact with my xBPD. She has attempted to "reach out" via an Instagram friend request, which I rejected---twice. I was doing good for a while,  working out, reading countless books, and mentally preparing to start Law school. However, I now find myself again obsessing over her ceaselessly.

Must really be tough that you're thinking about her more than usual. Are you still able to get your work and daily stuff done day to day?

I know I was deeply disturbed by her ability to love, just about anyone.

T-riddle, I don't know if one can consider that love - Its a kinda of rhetorical question isn't it. Perhaps love that seems to only reply on feelings  is incomplete, or perhaps even shallow. I'm not saying any of us has that complete perspective of what love should be represented. But, T-riddle, i suppose you know somewhere in our hearts we'd struggle with this isn't it?

I cannot fathom how the hell she has not reached out to me nor called. I keep fantasizing late at night that we will have a reunion, and once then she will admit to me that she has always loved me and wants to work things out.

I've been NC for almost 7 months and i know how that feels to a certain degree. I wished she called, and said all the things i wanted to hear.

Just to recap, I am the one that broke things off with her. She started acting coldly toward me and kindly towards one of her ex's, typical triangulation and devaluation, and that's when I realized that I needed to walk away. I treated her to good to be treated like garbage.

It was for me as well, T-riddle, those were the exact words i told my uBPDexGF, i said "you treat him who abuses you better and you just treat me like trash when i treat you well." That broke her heart, but i said it anyway. It's hard and i do believe many in the community here were pushed until they had to walk away. It wasn't just unhealthy for you, but for the person who has BPD or is uPD.

I'm in need of help. Please give me some sound advice.

Where do you feel you are right now T-riddle? What's on your mind and what's troubling you?
We're here to listen.

Yours,
Spero

[T-riddle]

T-riddle, I can imagine you can feel distressed to be experiencing these feelings coming back again. The missing, the wanting back, the questions, all after having done " so good for a while". You had been doing good, until something happened, which triggered a whole range of emotions and now makes you probably feel you're  back to square one. Even if nothing specifically triggered it, this could still happen even after months.
What strategies did you apply in the past when you had these feelings and emotions? Have you tried those again?

During the time I was doing "well," I was studying to enter law school. So every day I kept telling myself, while I do love my BPDx, I love myself more, and I will not have her destroy my chances at a successful career. Since then I have scored high enough on my LSAT and have been accepted into law school. So I guess now I'm just waiting and that's when I suppose the obsessive thoughts began to resurface. Now that I no longer have a prospect to work towards, it has left me with more time to ruminate and think about her. When I find myself bored, or otherwise lacking in purpose, that is when I often feel the need to, I guess you could say, “stalk” her. Maybe I’m looking for confirmation that she is feeling just as miserable as I am, you know the adage…Misery loves company.

Regarding the social media login codes; given what triggered these emotions to come back up and overwhelm you, I think you're asking quite a lot of yourself having her social media logins but expecting yourself not to use it. Sooner or later, the temptation would be too big for many many people. Even after months. Or years.

I dont know more details of your relation with her as such, but you describe both the situation of watching videos of her with her current relation as well as finding messages of her mentioning about that she loves you.
Was that what you expected or hoped for to find accesing her social media?
Where you surprised or did it comfirm what you already knew?

When I read the messages I was expecting her to say something hateful. That would have made me feel like she cared. Her insouciant language however, translated in my head as her not caring. In the message she stated that she was a manic depressive.  I’m speculating that she believes that being manic depressive is more socially acceptable than BPD. She also told our friend that the reason we separated was because I sometimes take on her moods, and that it was too much for me to handle, so she let it go. Part of what she is saying is true, but part of it is also about her trying to block out being accountable for why I really left, which was more so about her triangulating and splitting on me. All in all she handled the conversation maturely and that is what scared me the most. She briefly mentioned to our mutual friend, that while she would like to reach out to me, she hasn’t because she wishes not to distract me from my studies for law school, and that I needed to "focus." It seemed like an almost too adult like answer. I thought to myself, either I'm a footnote in her life, or she's trying to seem mature for our mutual friend... .whatever her motive, I couldn't bring myself to trust it, and still ended up feeling hurt over it. Side note I also do not speak to this mutual friend. We had a falling out because of my BPDx, so it was honestly shocking to me as well that they are now buddy buddy and communicating with each other.

Have you considered the fact that with her knowing you can log in to her account (assuming here she has given you her login details )  and see all her messages, videos and what not, she still can manipulate you and keep you attached to her that way, without having to make that an active effort?

I don't think she's manipulating me through her social media. I hate to say it but she's kind of dumb when it comes to things like pass codes in such. She stupidly recycles the same three passwords, so whenever she changes one of her passwords, I know it's going to be 1 out of the 3 that she re-uses. So every time I come up with a scheme to get her to change her passwords, she changes it to another password that I of course know about.

You mentioned you did ok, until you accessed her social media. I think its not unreasonable to suggest you really should consider getting rid of those login details now. To protect yourself from the temptation and for your detachment and recovery to be more focused on yourself. We are all human here and temptation, especially where it is related to such intense emotions as love and what you can feel in missing, loving and wanting a person, is an ever present entity. It eventually comes down to what you will do with it. Try not to be too hard on yourself and allow your "fallback" to be there for what it is. It doesnt mean you wont be able to move forward again.

My logic now, is this--- the moment I have the discipline to stop logging into her account, that will be the day that I prove to myself that I have moved onto the stage of indifference. For almost 3 months, I did not log into her account, so I felt like I had all but moved on, I guess it has come as a shock to me, that I am now back to square 1.

[Cromwell]

During the time I was doing "well," I was studying to enter law school. So every day I kept telling myself, while I do love my BPDx, I love myself more, and I will not have her destroy my chances at a successful career. Since then I have scored high enough on my LSAT and have been accepted into law school. So I guess now I'm just waiting and that's when I suppose the obsessive thoughts began to resurface. Now that I no longer have a prospect to work towards, it has left me with more time to ruminate and think about her. When I find myself bored, or otherwise lacking in purpose, that is when I often feel the need to, I guess you could say, “stalk” her. Maybe I’m looking for confirmation that she is feeling just as miserable as I am, you know the adage…Misery loves company.

Im at the same scenario, I had to all but almost forget my ex whilst studying, I now have the holidays and I got back in contact, i notice the stark difference in how I am affected, it is profound and led me to go NC again based on the fact - like yourself - im concentrating on my own life and want to get somewhere better without any real risk of sabotage. My ex IS the real risk for that, I know that, and had to - I feel you need to listen to your instincts on this one. Is it possible to find more escapism by pre-studying during the holidays, it worked before - especially when her thoughts enter your mind, do something to distract yourself, if not study than anything, ive found success here, ruminating during quiet times is the worst, it brings up the gamut of emotions especially worse for me is longing for her, which then increases the impuslivity to reach out. Has she really made you miserable? Thats an emotion that you have control over, not her. If you feel miserable that also entertains the dual emotion of resentment. To an extent they are valuable to do a bit of processing on, but they are complex emotions and drain a lot of energy.

It sounds like you have an optimistic good future ahead, I dont know the extent of your ex and her BPD, but I know that I have a lot to lose by entertaining her in my life again, when I met her I was in a rut anyway, so I put up with so much of it, felt I had little to lose. You are going for a professional career and reputation is important, I think if you are commited to going that route its likely that having your ex in your life is going to be antagonistic and perhaps a form of self-sabotaging your goals. I know in my case it certainly would. and hacking her FB is well, you will know better than me, but Id say your supposed to be a bit above that? I think you should be the mature one here it will help you move on to a better place. People out there have accomplished incredible things by converting heartbreak into something else they pursued, im thinking masterpieces of art and music but theres maybe a clue in there of outlet for that energy rather than ruminating into a dead end street?

[T-riddle]

Where do you feel you are right now T-riddle? What's on your mind and what's troubling you?
We're here to listen.

Yours,
Spero

Spero,

For me, it all boils down to that 4 letter word... .love. I have read so much about BPD mirroring and idealization, and it has me questioning her love for me. I feel deep inside that our love was real, and that despite her disorder, she was and truly is, in love with me. I'm seeking proof of that, by logging into her accounts. I replayed the video of her and her new lover over and over again, just so i could analyze their interaction. I was looking for proof that it wasn't real. I gain comfort in thinking that what we had was authentic, and it would absolutely kill me, if i were to find out that it was all just some disordered front.To know, her true feelings is the closure that I so desperately want, and a sentiment that I realize, I may never receive. If someone could just tell me that borderlines CAN in fact love that would put my mind at ease. I just want answers, via it biological proof or anecdotal. I just cannot bare to assume that all individuals from the eyes of a borderline are all the same, and that they feel equal love for every individual that comes their way. If that were true, it would mean that she, for all 3.5 years never saw me as me! It invalidates and obliterates my existence. I remember when we were together I would ask her, WHAT do you love about me, and I wanted to know if she truly loved me for me. She repeated over and over again that she loved that I was caring, patient, funny, and hard working, but I for some reason, never trusted her, because her actions showed otherwise. I guess I always thought, if I am all those things, why are you still looking for more. Why are you still painting me black for losers. It got to the point where I couldn't even enjoy my time with her because I didn't know if the love was real. I'm a hopeless romantic Spero, and if the love is not real, well then there's no point.  I know I should not leave it to her to validate that I am worthy of love, but it is nonetheless validation that I crave.

[T-riddle]

Im at the same scenario, I had to all but almost forget my ex whilst studying, I now have the holidays and I got back in contact, i notice the stark difference in how I am affected, it is profound and led me to go NC again based on the fact - like yourself - im concentrating on my own life and want to get somewhere better without any real risk of sabotage. My ex IS the real risk for that, I know that, and had to - I feel you need to listen to your instincts on this one. Is it possible to find more escapism by pre-studying during the holidays, it worked before - especially when her thoughts enter your mind, do something to distract yourself, if not study than anything, ive found success here, ruminating during quiet times is the worst, it brings up the gamut of emotions especially worse for me is longing for her, which then increases the impuslivity to reach out. Has she really made you miserable? Thats an emotion that you have control over, not her. If you feel miserable that also entertains the dual emotion of resentment. To an extent they are valuable to do a bit of processing on, but they are complex emotions and drain a lot of energy.

It sounds like you have an optimistic good future ahead, I dont know the extent of your ex and her BPD, but I know that I have a lot to lose by entertaining her in my life again, when I met her I was in a rut anyway, so I put up with so much of it, felt I had little to lose. You are going for a professional career and reputation is important, I think if you are commited to going that route its likely that having your ex in your life is going to be antagonistic and perhaps a form of self-sabotaging your goals. I know in my case it certainly would. and hacking her FB is well, you will know better than me, but Id say your supposed to be a bit above that? I think you should be the mature one here it will help you move on to a better place. People out there have accomplished incredible things by converting heartbreak into something else they pursued, im thinking masterpieces of art and music but theres maybe a clue in there of outlet for that energy rather than ruminating into a dead end street?

Cromwell,

Thank you for you kind words and optimism.

Much like you, My future success, is everything to me. During the relationship I did truly love her but i also realized that she, if we continued on, would end up threatening my success. She consumed to much of my thoughts, and I realized that I could not be 100% productive, with her in my life. In the end I had to make a choice, and I chose me. Now when I see her, lighting it up with her boyfriend, and riding on the beach with him, it makes me sad because I wanted all that, I really did, I just couldn't handle her BPD. Her disorder was rubbing off on me like fleas, I was no longer confident and self-assured. I was turning into a shell of myself. I honestly am surprised that I made it into a good Law school, given how depressed I was dealing with her. The sad think is apart of her knew this, she knew that I was trying hard to make something out of myself, and instead of her rising to the top with me, she decided that the journey was to much for her to handle, and instead she moved on and elected to date a 27 year old, who works at a gas station. I was hurt because I wanted her to fit into my lifestyle. I wanted her to search for a job that would make her happy. I wanted her to stop smoking pot all the time. I wanted her to get into therapy so that we could be happy together. I guess all that I was asking of her was to much, and she chose to take the easy route. The thing is, I know she's smart. She's very high functioning and capable of great things, even with a disorder. I wanted her to trust me. Even though I should feel like a winner, I somehow still feel like I lost, while the other guy is riding off into the sunset with my girl

[Cromwell]

Hi T-Riddle

Your health is number one consideration before your career aspirations, you made a no-brainer decision.

You must stop pining for her, you are needlessly beating yourself up, it is now the past, it is pointless and mentally unhealthy to ruminate a second more about it. Please, dont look at the FB anymore, it is not an indelible loop, it is just walking down the same track mentally in your mind where it started as a dirt track it is now paved, because you keep doing it.

concentrate on what has worked to distract; studies - hobbies - exercise - dating, anything that doesnt involve thinking or pining. In time if you follow this, it will pass.

my own progress has came best by designating her into the past in all respects, i did get back in contact, it had a bad affect on my exams, I realised it wasnt going to work even at a distance, I needed her out my life and move on. Once I became decisive in that, its became far easier.

well done for doing those exams in the midst of a lot that must have been on your mind, and best of luck with your future.