Triangulated again tired of being the peacekeeper

[truthbeknown]

Last week i went to visit my brother when i was out in his state on a work assignment.  I love my brother but his wife has very narcissistic and manipulative tendencies.  I am on guard with her because she is addicted to drama and loves to push everyone's buttons.   

When i was out there I asked my brother if he invited my mom to come for her 75th birthday.  His wife said, "we invited her but she gave us some bull___ excuse as to why she can't come."  I said well "are you going out there"?   They said, no because they are now realtors and have to work.  So I said, "okay well i was thinking of doing a surprise bday party with some of her friends and wanted to make sure you didn't have committments with her yet." 

From there we spoke with my mom on the phone later (it was father's day) and immediately my brothers wife tried to convince my mom to come out there (even though we had just talked about it.).  When she got off the phone I confronted her and she said, "oh (my name) I was just kidding with her.  I knew she wouldn't come and now you know it's okay to throw your party."   She is soo toxic.

So I finished my week at work and arrived back at my mom's house (i'm temporarily staying here).   I wound up getting in a conversation about a trip my mom was planning in Aug that she is already packing for.  I said "when are you leaving".  She said, "oh now i'm going to your brothers earlier for my birthday."    Apparently my ex used her boys (the grandkids) as bait and told my mom that she shouldn't be alone on her birthday and that I might be working anyway.

I was so hurt by two things.  1. that my sister in law is such a toxic manipulator and narcissist that she cares little about how this would affect me and it's all about her getting her way. 
2.  my mom would not say, "what about (my name) while considering her decision."  it's almost like I felt like she could care less about how i felt about not being part of her bday.  My brother didn't even remember that it was my mom's 75th bday.  Now my sister in law makes it seem like they are the hero's sweeping in to make my mom feel better.  Keep in mind that her husband just passed away last year so she is vulnerable to this manipulation and head games but she (my mom) also does favor my brother because of his financial status.   
3.  my brother is passive when it comes to his wife as long as he gets what he wants.  He spoke to me and said, "well it just sounds like it was a little mis-communication."  So minimizing!  I told him if someone had done this to him he wouldn't be happy.  But he down plays his wife's manipulations because he is getting what he wants- my mom to get on a plane and come out to see him.

So i was upset and left the house to cool off.  My mom said when i returned "are you done being mad."  I said that i was hurt and stated the reasons why.  She has more BPD behaviors and is closer to my sister in law in lack of empathy skills.  So she can't see why i would be upset. 

So now she went into victim mode over how we are fighting over her and I told her that she had a choice to say, "well i would love to come out but then we have to get your brother involved etc" and instead she didn't seem to think about how i would feel be left out of another family event because of my brother and his wife. 

She called my sister in law after i left the house and she told her all kinds of distortions and basically said, "my name was going to plan a party for you but hadn't planned anything yet and plus he may have to work."   I said to both my brother and my mom, "if i had to work why would i be scheduling a party?"   Furthermore, my sister in law killed any chance for me to schedule a party at a different date by telling her that i was planning a party.  My mom's way of resolving this is to pay for me to fly out to my brothers to be there.  I'm torn because i really dispise my sister in laws behavior and I know i can't control her but I hate to be around her.  She's pure evil covered up with sugar on superficial top.

So looking for thoughts/ feedback because i'm in a double bind.  I can have a boundary and not go but then i'm the party pooper.  or i can just suck it up like I always do with my dysfunctional family and get pulled into a party that means NOTHING to me now because of their manipulations.

either way i lose but i'm just so tired of this in my life. 

[herkey18]

I understand the drama and feeling like you are stuck between two bad choices.  If you want to continue to have a relationship with your mom despite her insensitivity, you should take her up on her offer and go out.  Could you make it a short trip, like one night or so?  If you are done with the drama, then maybe tell your mom that although you would like to celebrate with her, it will have to be at another time or place. Make it clear the reasons why you are not going.  Maybe you could do something special with just you and her when she gets back.

[HappyChappy]

my mom would not say, "what about (my name) while considering her decision."  it's almost like I felt like she could care less about how i felt

Hi TruthBeKnown,

This must be very frustrating for you, I've had similar. It would upset me. But the BPD/NPD are the best con artists going. If Charles Mansons can persuade a bunch of non relatives to commit mass suicide, then your sister in law can persuade your mom on this. So could this be more about NPD trickery and less about how your mom cares about you ? I’m not trying to justify it, because it is unacceptable, but more rationalise it. How do you think you mother would view it if she ever gave an honest account ?

3.  my brother is passive when it comes to his wife as long as he gets what he wants.

The BPD dymanic is precisely this. People in a group see someone being unfairly treated by an overbearing leader, they tend to shrink and hope they don’t become the target. So they support someone else being the target, not because its right and just, but out of self preservation. Sounds like your mother and brother are doing this, because they are walking on egg shells. They know you will take it much better, but she will cause them pain unless they don't rock the boat.

But more importantly, putting all their games to one side, what do you want to do ? What would be best for you ? 

[truthbeknown]

I don't know if i made a good choice but i decided to go.  One of my friends brought up a good point.  My mom is 75 and who knows how much longer we have her.  Despite her insensitivity I still feel that I am working on trying to heal things with her.  She has moments where she is very supportive but then she can't get past her critical and superior judgemental side.  It's a very dark side and even yesterday she came into my room and said, "why do you do that to your hair?"  I said, "I don't want to talk about my hair to you.  It's my hair and what is going on with it is only my concern."  She said, "well it's not very becoming of you."  I said to her, "how would you feel if someone said something about your body or how you look in a very critical and judgemental way? would you like that? would you feel close to the person who did that?" 

Her response was, "I can't talk to you about anything."  I said, "yes you can. we have had lots of productive and great conversations and this is one isolated conversation and i'm just putting up a boundary of not wanting to discuss my body appearance with you or listen to you give unsolicited critiques of my body."   That doesn't mean that "you can't talk to me" it just means I won't allow you to openly criticize the way i look without telling you that it hurts and to ask you whether you would like someone to do that to you."  She sat there brewing over my words and then changed the subject as if we had never had the previous conversation.

I am living with her now for a few months and getting back on my feet after a crushing betrayal and my last borderline relationship.   I realize this is it.  This is the source, my dysfunctional family and I suppose a part of me is exploring if i can heal this or at least heal my own perceptions of why i have chosen women in my life that are emotionally dysregulated.  My theory is (sort of Imago work) is that subconsciously i have been trying to heal this relationship with my mom through picking women like her in some aspect or way (subconsciously speaking).  So here i am at the source.   

She offered to pay for my plane ticket to go out to my brothers and as much as i'm cringing about going I'm doing it because the three of us haven't been together with her since my son's graduation two years ago.  And again, God forbid, life is short so i'm trying to turn the other cheek although it is typically me who has to do this.  Sometimes it beats me down.

I did ask her to help me understand why she was willing to go without thinking about me?  and why all of a sudden it's important to her now?   Her answer was more of a statement: I just want both of my sons to be with me on my birthday.  I let go of being right and trying to prove that she didn't feel that way when she accepted the invitation but this is the kind of emotional abandonment i have dealt with all my life regarding my mom. 

My grandmother, her mom, was very critical of her and favored her little sister.  I believe that subconsciously that my mom has chosen to see my brother as herself and me as her sister and therefore align with him much more easily.   She enmeshes with him so much that she even said yesterday, "you guys just don't think i know anything."  I replied, "can you give me an example?" she could not. But i know my brother talks superiorly to her just like she can act superior to people.  I'm the outcast or feel like it but i'm sucking it up to make this memory rather then look like the one who didn't care.  I know it's a double bind but honestly there are so many that i have to go through not only with her and my brother and brother's wife but with my ex wife. My ex wife knows this dynamic of how it hurt me to be manipulated and she has used that information to alienate my kids from me. 

My mom was going to pay for my daughter to come out and visit this summer but my daughter told me yesterday that she is afraid to fly because she hasn't flown before.  It would be a legitimate fear except that my ex wife has a history of asking fear questions to my kids: "you sure you'll be alright flying alone on a plane" is how i imagine that one went.  Again no proof but based on past experiences and how she manipulates by implanting fear. 

So some days i just want out of all of this.  I just want to go to another country and start all over and not deal with anymore hurt or pain.  Emotional pain is such a silent killer.   I've had chest pain, anxiety etc. just because I been so tired of being around hurtful people and having my kids poisoned against me and not too much respect and love in my life (externally).  I know it's my job to take care of myself and these people have been great teachers in helping me to understand about self care and self love and self validation.  I suppose i write here not to have my problems solved because i don't think these family isssues will ever be solved but it means alot to me that other people understand and get me.   

I saw a movie called "every day" recently and the key take away from that movie is when she broke up with her abusive boyfriend and said, "you just don't 'see me'"   I feel like that.  I have not had a lover or spouse really see me.  I don't have a mom who "sees me" and I suppose that makes me feel alone in all this.  Forget the manipulations, i'm used to them.  This family will not change.   I think i always craved relationships so much because i was searching for someone outside of my family who would "see me".  I do have some friends that do see me and yet the elusive female companion who sees me has haunted me. 

I realize if i'm going to heal this i have to see myself and just be okay with that.  I know it sounds corny but that's all i have right now.  Me and my imagination.  Imagining that someday i get to feel what externally supportive love is like.  Until then back to the drawing board and to love myself for the gifts and the person i am even if there is nobody close to share that with.

thanks for listening to my emotional outpouring.  you guys are great.