Hot Mess

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My son lives with his girlfriend and their daughter.  His girlfriend shows signs of borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder.  I read a post on this website from 2013 that sounded identical to my situation and hoped I could find more recent/active posters with a similar situation.  In trying to limit his stress, my son goes along with his partner's refusal to allow me to see him or their daughter.  I am in touch with my son by phone but they live out-of-state and I haven't seen him for several years.  I am very concerned that they are so isolated from family members and friends, and still don't completely understand why my son goes along with this.  Like the other poster I want to be there for my son, but it has taken a toll on my own mental health and I don't know if I can continue this way.  I also have an older son who I was very close to until he met his wife.  I haven't noticed any symptoms of BPD, but her parents told me she was very controlling and she, too, prevents me from seeing their daughter.  Unlike my younger son (who tells me that if he saw me or talked to me often his partner would make his life miserable), my older son tells me it's his choice not to see me, but admits that he can't override his wife in her refusal to let me meet my granddaughter.  He has not yet given me a rational reason for his decision and refuses to talk to me about what he thinks I've done to cause him to expel me from his life.  I haven't seen him in over 5 years or ever met my granddaughter.  More interestingly, I just saw something on this website ":)oes your Mother have BPD?"  I have been in so much pain from not having real, normal, or healthy relationships with either of my sons and granddaughters, but my Mother's response to my pain has been mind-boggling and devastating to me.  As a result, I am no longer in contact with her (though I saw her recently and was able to tell her that her response to my pain is the reason I can't be in contact with her).  I have been in therapy and my therapist thinks my family is toxic and threatens my mental health, but we don't talk very much about why so many of my family members, and in-laws, are so lacking in empathy and compassion.  Has anyone on this site experienced a wide range of family members and in-laws that seem to lack real emotions or are unable to show compassion, empathy or kindness?

[Kato]

My son lives with his girlfriend and their daughter.  His girlfriend shows signs of borderline personality disorder and/or bipolar disorder.  I read a post on this website from 2013 that sounded identical to my situation and hoped I could find more recent/active posters with a similar situation.  In trying to limit his stress, my son goes along with his partner's refusal to allow me to see him or their daughter.  I am in touch with my son by phone but they live out-of-state and I haven't seen him for several years.  I am very concerned that they are so isolated from family members and friends, and still don't completely understand why my son goes along with this.  Like the other poster I want to be there for my son, but it has taken a toll on my own mental health and I don't know if I can continue this way.  I also have an older son who I was very close to until he met his wife.  I haven't noticed any symptoms of BPD, but her parents told me she was very controlling and she, too, prevents me from seeing their daughter.  Unlike my younger son (who tells me that if he saw me or talked to me often his partner would make his life miserable), my older son tells me it's his choice not to see me, but admits that he can't override his wife in her refusal to let me meet my granddaughter.  He has not yet given me a rational reason for his decision and refuses to talk to me about what he thinks I've done to cause him to expel me from his life.  I haven't seen him in over 5 years or ever met my granddaughter.  More interestingly, I just saw something on this website ":)oes your Mother have BPD?"  I have been in so much pain from not having real, normal, or healthy relationships with either of my sons and granddaughters, but my Mother's response to my pain has been mind-boggling and devastating to me.  As a result, I am no longer in contact with her (though I saw her recently and was able to tell her that her response to my pain is the reason I can't be in contact with her).  I have been in therapy and my therapist thinks my family is toxic and threatens my mental health, but we don't talk very much about why so many of my family members, and in-laws, are so lacking in empathy and compassion.  Has anyone on this site experienced a wide range of family members and in-laws that seem to lack real emotions or are unable to show compassion, empathy or kindness?

[Harri]

Hi Kato and welcome to the site.  I am so sorry to hear that your sons are both involved with pwBPD (people with BPD) who keep you from your grandchildren.  That is very painful.  We have several people here with multiple disordered family members so you, unfortunately, will have company. 

Can you think of anything that may have prompted them to say you can't see the g-kids?  I know you feel your so are just going along with it but was there a specific event you can link it to?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Kato, 

I want to join Harri in welcoming you to our online family. It sounds as if there is an awful lot going on all around you, swirling and catching you up in the middle. I'm so sorry. The discovery of the traits of BPD can be overwhelming and freeing at the same time. Most likely as you learn and absorb from this site and in reading books, you will continue to have your understanding widen and grow. This will help you to sort out what the differences are, if any, in the various family members you've told us about.

Tell me what you are doing for yourself these days to be kind and gracious to you? I believe that healing starts with you first of all. Then it will filter down to your family and grandchildren.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!
 
Wools