Sex and the Borderline: Is ED related to BPD?

[ILuvABorderline]

I was very surprised to read comments/posts by two different members that mentioned something I’ve noticed in my relationship with my husband that I never considered related to BPD. I wanted to see if this was a common thing. My husband has had an increasingly difficult time having orgasms since the Fall of 2016, when things started getting really bad. He struggles with maintaining an erection, which can go from rock hard to completely soft in seconds. I have definitely noticed the ED being tied to his thoughts or his interpretation of my moods, expressions or comments. When he does have a consistent erection, it is near impossible for him to orgasm. He will get so obsessed with having one that he will spend HOURS trying to have one, using any and all means necessary, mostly to no avail. Sometimes I will spend days trying to assist him, others, I just can’t. He is oblivious to times when I desperately don’t want to be intimate and expects me to be happily available when he feels his penis might cooperate. Not being able to orgasm is often a rage trigger for him. I guess what I’m asking is can inorgasmia be common for a male diagnosed with BPD? If so, how does it tie in/relate to the BPD? He is a very kind and generous lover most of the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi ILuvABorderline,

Hope others will join us who have more to offer on this topic!

He is oblivious to times when I desperately don’t want to be intimate and expects me to be happily available when he feels his penis might cooperate.

Same just in general. Not even necessarily happily I think. His emotions override all…or try to.

He will get so obsessed with having one that he will spend HOURS trying to have one, using any and all means necessary, mostly to no avail. Sometimes I will spend days trying to assist him, others, I just can’t.

That sounds like a lot of work! How does he act? Mean? Okay? How does he respond when you don’t want to help anymore?

What is his age? Is there a health reason for the BD? Or you have no idea and trying to see if BPD is part of the equation? Is he on any type of medication?

He is a very kind and generous lover most of the time.

That sounds pretty nice! You are a lucky gal on this point!

Have you tried having conversations with him about the ED? If so, how does he react?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[ILuvABorderline]

When I am actively trying to assist/support him, he is fine towards me. It is when I get tired or have to move on to other things that the Borderline Beast may come out towards me. He has seen many different doctors who can find nothing wrong with him to cause the ED directly. Of course anxiety plays a role and he is certainly on a ton of meds. However, there was a time when those things didn’t negatively affect him. I just thought it might be directly related to the BPD in some way since two other women described almost exactly the same circumstances. Talking with him about anything is always hard. I mostly try to listen but even that can get me in trouble at times.

[juju2]

Yes, i believe it can be a BPD trait.  We had this issue fom the beginning, he couldn't finish, it would take 45 minutes or more, and at the beginning of our r/s, i asked him, was he not attracted to me?  I had never experienced this, not like i had tons of different men in my life.i had nvr experienced this.  He asked his psychiatrist, and one of the meds caused this.  He went off of it for two weeks, everything was great.  Then, we went back to that issue, he later said he had to go back on the med.  Also, i think it may be a control issue/trust issue.  Sincetely, j

[isilme]

I think the emotional state can have a lot to do with it, but also there can be underlying medical issues to check into. 

Emotional - we used to get to where things seemed just fine, moving along, then he'd hit some emotional speed bump, decide he perceived I was upset, angry, dissatisfied, and then start a fight and there goes a couple of days over me "not knowing how to have good sex and ruining everything."  Once, weirdly, I wore a perfume I'd not worn before, and it confused his signals?  He lost attraction halfway through.  Anyway, his emotions always affect his ability to be amorous. 

Physical ailments - H has diabetes, diagnosed just in 2017 at 39 years old.  He likely had it for about 2 years prior before we caught it, he hates going to MDs, and he was pre-diabetic I am sure for a long time before that.  One thing that comes with diabetes is neuropathy.  This can cause a lot of issues, including lack of feeling in certain areas, too much feeling in others, lack of response from commands to move (legs and feet), damaged blood vessels,  and yes, ED.  It can also cause a drop in testosterone, which can lead to ED. 

I know you say MDs have checked, but they may be looking directly at that area, and not chekcing glucose and T levels in his blood? 

ED is a very difficult subject.  H feels he is no longer a man.  He believes I have no respect for him.  He is, of course, projecting his feelings onto me, but it's not as if I can convince him of that.

I am sorry, I can't say much about the need for so much additional stimulation.  H also gets frustrated if he can't do certain things, and since the actual erection isn't there anymore, you can still enjoy things, but he feels it's now "sordid" or weird.  It's not.  It's just not intercourse now.  His impressions of the world focus on finding new ways to be embarrassed.

[Fie]

Hello,

Yes, my ex (BPD/NPD) had it. Not able to orgasm / not ejaculating.

What Juju2 says was true for him, he did have control and trust issues.

He also used sex itself as a control mechanism. If he thought I'd done something wrong, he withheld sex. Generally our sexlife was horrible / non existent. But then again, our whole life together was not good, the sex was just a part of it.

x

[ILuvABorderline]

Hello,

Yes, my ex (BPD/NPD) had it. Not able to orgasm / not ejaculating.

What Juju2 says was true for him, he did have control and trust issues.

He also used sex itself as a control mechanism. If he thought I'd done something wrong, he withheld sex. Generally our sexlife was horrible / non existent. But then again, our whole life together was not good, the sex was just a part of it.

x

I’ve never thought control and trust might be a part of it. Back in 2014 he once withheld sex or any type of touch from me for 6 months. This was before I even had a clue what BPD was. At the time he continued a rather robust sex life with himself. He currently has the ED and inorgasmia under all circumstances. Says I’m the only o e who can make it happen for him, even if it barely does.

[isilme]

Hmm.  Control makes a lot of sense, even if it's just subconcious.  Problems with actual intimacy, how it can lead to engulfment or rejection, along with the need to be in control could be a lot fo this.