The money issue is back..I'm holding my boundary

[formflier]

And basically have a "whatever" attitude about it.

It's hard to sort out what she is really saying... .but she didn't like that I offered to have a discussion about financial priorities... she apparently just wanted me to fork over some money, when she asked for it... .shortly after making all kinds of malevolent claims about my money boundaries.

Not surprising... but I'd really rather be focused on something else.

My wife is taking off on a trip tomorrow for a few days.  Some kids going and some staying (we have them everywhere).  My honest feelings are I can't wait for her to go.

I really couldn't go, but my guess is she has picked up on my lack of desire or perhaps my "relief" at not going with her.  (I'm sure there are a million other things she is upset about as well)

FF

[Fie]

I'm sorry for the stress you are in, FF.

Do you have something you can do for yourself, while she's gone ? Something that you will enjoy doing ?

[formflier]

I've been for a couple walks and long "light exercise" sessions...   Stretching and such.

It's sad to watch this develop, yet at the same time I see how important consistency is.

She was threatening to with hold sex... .and then after that didn't get any reaction from me... .she sent a long apology and said she didn't know my heart and would give me sex.

Big picture:  I seem to be ok not engaging on the obvious issues (like debating not getting sex)... .but when "do unto others" is discussed as a verse... I stay engaged. 

Granted... .she is also attempting to teach my kids some of that and there are some things I'll "nuke"... .such as blatant unBiblical teaching.  I do have to wonder what would happen if I didn't engage on that?

FF

[Notwendy]

FF- do you think this is a form of "extinction burst"? Couples have familiar patterns. We react when our "buttons" are pushed. You have stopped reacting to some of them, so she is upping the ante, with some bigger buttons- money, sex.

It may not be deliberate. When one person changes the response in a pattern, the other person feels the change. Often the first response to that is to keep doing what they know to do- try to elicit the response ( extinction burst) and when that doesn't work, they may engage with new behaviors.

This may all be part of the change in the dynamics between you. I think keeping your cool and not being reactive when you feel irritated by her is a good thing. But don't forget the positive- pay attention to when she is engaging in behaviors you do like.

[formflier]

I believe you are correct Notwendy. 

She kept pushing and I didn't buckle (didn't hit back or "up the ante" either)... .so some bigger bombs were tossed out there.

Then she thought about it for a couple hours... .then she let me know that "she could see how God could use my boundary for her good, even though it wasn't right for me to have a boundary that I don't open my wallet for threats and disrespect... and that I do open my wallet for kind words."

She said "I can see how God could use you sin to teach me how to speak kindly to you... ."

How I wish I were making this stuff up...

FF

[Notwendy]

I think drama is a form of intimacy. When someone is engaging in drama with another- they are engaged and focused on each other. I think people with PD's have difficulty with real intimacy and may use drama to feel that bond. ( sex is probably another way to do that). This is my own observation from my parents as well as in my own marriage. Drama with my H felt somewhat familiar. I didn't understand why until I realized it was a form of bonding that I grew up with.

When we stop being emotionally reactive, both people feel a void. I became aware of my own drama bait and how easily I could step into it. From the 12 step viewpoint, I looked at the idea of emotional sobriety. Being drawn into drama might be what it would feel like to be offered a drink if someone is an alcoholic. Staying out of it is a form of "emotional sobriety".

You and your wife don't have issues with alcohol, but if you are practicing emotional sobriety, then both of you could be experiencing emotional withdrawal from drama. You are taking the lead on this.

Our "buttons" that get pushed are things that are important to us, or our own fears and insecurities. It's pretty clear that religion is a big button for you. When your wife says something irritating about it, it's almost impossible for you to risk getting into the discussion ( with your kids this is different, you need to set things straight for them- but I'm talking about between you and your wife). Your wife may say ,and even believe, some strange things about religion but that's how she thinks. I don't think we can change how someone thinks.

[formflier]

I likely need to separate out crazy stuff my wife says/believes... and teaches my kids.

Perhaps if I adjust my "boundary" or "how I enforce" it... so that I have no reaction whatsoever when she makes statements around me (or some sort of statement in return that neither validates or invalidates)... .yet when she tries to teach our children that they need to be able to figure out who is a Christian ... .or not... .that I "go to the mat" over that... and use the "nuclear option" (if I have to) of using my wife's religious beliefs against her (that the husband decides what is taught)

So... .I'm open to suggestions on what to say when my wife says to me whacky things about "do unto  others"... .or blatant (non-nuanced) twisting of scripture.  (in other words... essential non-debatable interpretations) .

Thoughts?

FF

[Fian]

Of course, one option is to say nothing.  Other options would be something like, "I have always personally viewed those verses meaning x."  Or you can turn it around and say, "What do you think Jesus wants you to do personally with that verse?"

Or you can always match crazy with crazy.  If that verse means I have to treat you however you want, then turn the other cheek means I can treat you however I want and you have to accept it.

[empath]

Wow. Money, sex, and God. Seems like she is really trying to push your buttons. My h kept trying to use those with me, too. She is probably also using the kids as a way to get you to engage.

The other day, Shannon Thomas (Healing from Hidden Abuse) had a quote from her book on fb. "Psychological abusers are using God as a flying monkey"

Eventually, I realized that the only way to 'win' with my h was not to play - kind of detached contact. Thankfully, our kids are older and realized that their dad had his own views. I trusted that I had set a good example and had taught them well. Of course, he wasn't really engaged with them directly, so that made it a bit easier.

[Red5]

Our "buttons" that get pushed are things that are important to us, or our own fears and insecurities. It's pretty clear that religion is a big button for you. When your wife says something irritating about it, it's almost impossible for you to risk getting into the discussion ( with your kids this is different, you need to set things straight for them- but I'm talking about between you and your wife). Your wife may say ,and even believe, some strange things about religion but that's how she thinks. I don't think we can change how someone thinks.

/empath writes/... .Wow. Money, sex, and God. Seems like she is really trying to push your buttons. My h kept trying to use those with me, too. She is probably also using the kids as a way to get you to engage.

/FF writes/... .She said "I can see how God could use your sin to teach me how to speak kindly to you... ."

Yeah, ."I can see how God could use your sin to teach me how to speak kindly to you"... .whoa Nelly !... .BIG RED PUSH BUTTON RIGHT THERE !

Mrs. Formflier may as well have hit Formflier over the noggin with a shillelagh !

... .Acts 9:5-6 - "it is hard for thee to kick against the pricks"

Wow !... .not sure I could turn the other cheek there, .I would ignore it Formflier, and only offer my most dashing and handsome "lady killer" smile instead !

"

She was threatening to with hold sex

"
... .if Red5's (my) sex life were a geographical location, then it would be the desert, and I would be a camel  !

Red5