Things have deteriorated over the past year - I need a plan B

[Jim P G]

I am married over 30 years. Without diagnosing my spouse, I will say that we went from something that presented as high functioning BPD (with my help and enabling) to a situation that exploded over the last year. It is a continuous roller coaster and the verbal assault / abuse is just BRUTAL. It comes and goes now on a 1 to 2 week cycle. I am an angel or a devil. She is in counseling now and I have my own counselor, who recommended the walking on egg shell book which I recently finished.

Anyway, more and more, every time the brutal part of the cycle happens again, I think - I need a plan B, even if my financial security that I have worked for all these years is wrecked. I just can't quite work my way through the unthinkable, but I believe that I need to plan it out now, whether I need to implement later or not.

I am not a public guy. Never post on facebook and recently cancelled that after she threatened several times to spout off about how horrible I am on there. But the site said not to just lurk, so here you go. My introductory message... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Welcome Jim P G and thanks for sharing your story. 

This is a safe place! That said, I would be extra careful about your wife seeing it since it sounds like she patrols your online activity rather closely. I as policy sign out and clear my history the moment I am finished here every time.

Indeed the best way to get a response on your threads here is to post on other members threads to get yourself known and start building a support network.

It is good to be prepared for all contingencies in a BPD relationship since a lot of unexpected things can happen. To clarify, by the unthinkable, are you referring to divorce? Can you walk us through some recent events that got you to this point?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[Radcliff]

Let me join RolandOfEld in welcoming you!  I'm sorry for the difficult situation you've found yourself in, but am glad you have found us.

Tell us a little more about your situation.  :)o you have any kids?  If so, are they grown and out of the house?  How old are you and your wife?

Do you have any idea why things have deteriorated?  Were there any big changes or stresses a year ago that may be relevant?

WW

[Dignity&Strength]

Hi, and welcome!
Excellent clarifying questions asked so far by the others.
I like that you can identify the cycle. Mine had a cycle. I used to keep a code on the calendar, of dots and circles, stars, anything to help me spot the pattern and identify any triggers.

The cycle of violence visual also helped me with a way to describe it, and have the right words to explain to the counselor. It also helped to figure out what was my fault and what wasn’t, because of the blameshifting.

www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/

Glad to hear you both have counselors. That’s much better than seeing the same one together at the same time, because of triangulation.

Check out the tools here, I like them, and they help de escalate. Maybe you can widen the time between blow ups. It’s possible, but often very draining to do. Self care is a must!
Dig

[Radcliff]

Every situation is unique.  Most of our members come here at wits' end.  Some relationships are recoverable, some are not.  Some that have recovered have looked unrecoverable at first.  The tools you can learn here can make a big difference.  Let us know more about your relationship and we'll help you along the journey.

WW