I feel crazy : I want out of the friendship

[sharlock]

I have a friend with BPD. We’ve been friends for 6 years.  Ugh. I love him for some strange reason. At one point we had romantic feelings for one another. However, we’re both married and didn’t want to go down that road... .I guess that is a huge blessing because I cannot imagine living with him. I’ve posted here before. I want out of the friendship. I feel like we have no relationship but he keeps me chained (emotionally). He claims to my best friend. He treats me like anything but a best friend. I feel used. Somehow I cannot escape. I try to end it and he just ignores my request. I guess if I really wanted to end it I’d go no contact. It just seems impossible. When I go no contact I have extreme anxiety - to the point that I cannot sleep.  I have a counselor but honestly I don’t think she knows how to help me. As the years go by the more I see myself getting depressed -.almost desperate.  I feel more and more isolated. I know our friendship is completely unhealthy. My birthday is coming soon. He used to spend time with me doing things we both enjoy.  It could even be something simple like a walk around the block. Now the only time he wants to spend time with me is when it’s something he’s interested in. My birthday is a trigger for me because I’m anticipating the disappointment. Last birthday he made promises to share in things I like to do (he even made a list) but failed to fufill his promises. He makes excuses and refuses to take responsibility for our failed friendship BUT insists on hanging on. I don’t like the person I’ve become. How do I get out? I’m so mad at him for treating me this way and insisting we stay friends. Meanwhile I could have developed other friendships and/ or repaired my miserable marriage.  I mad af myself too for ignoring all the red flags and advice to get out.  Ugh ugh ugh. It’s like I’ve resigned to be miserable. Where do I start so I can set myself free.  

[pearlsw]

Hi sharlock,

I remember your story a bit!

So, let me ask, how many times per week do you see him or have any contact with him?

Maybe one way is to take this one week at a time? If you can’t go 100% no contact, how about just minimizing the time together?

Do you think making yourself very boring to him would help? Simple replies, less enthusiasm, etc.?

By having other things take up more time you are also minimizing him. I have a good friend in the US who I liked hanging out with, but he’s a bit of a homebody and would rarely meet in person. Can you become like that? Someone only available online? And control/minimize the contact that way?

warmly, pearl.

[sharlock]

I see him at work everyday but we don’t work for the same unit so I could see him for only 5 minutes or I could have a 20 minute lunch with him. Outside of work I see him maybe 1-2 x per month. We text daily and maybe talk on the phone twice a week.

In order for me to become boring to him I need to become less dependent on him as a close friend which seems impossible to me. He can be thoughtful, kind and almost nurturing (like a mother). I don’t have any other person that I’m this close to. So letting go would mean losing any perceived sense of closeness. However, staying with him comes with a huge costs. I feel like I couldn’t write enough to explain all the unrealistic expectations, drama and pain I’ve suffered.
Like I’ve said previously I’ve tried maybe 500 times to end it and he just ignores my words. If I start distancing myself he then starts obsessively tries (and succeeds) to get me back. The fact that I get highly anxious when I do disconnect doesn’t help me. I can only see this ending by him dumping me or when I die (naturally not suicide). Yes I get depressed but I would never take my own life. In the mean time all is wearing on me mentally. 
Weekends are harder because I normally pour my anxieties into my work. So I have more time to think on the weekend. I wonder if I just have the wrong counselor/support person to set myself free. I feel hopeless and I’m tired of talking about it. It’s almost like I’ve resigned to this way of life.
The answer is:  I need to want to truly end this. I have the power.

[Radcliff]

You've done a very good job of describing the tough spot you are in.  I'm sorry to hear it.  Given how enmeshed you are with him, it really is a lot to try to cut off the relationship without a lot of support. 

If you had a magic "relationship transformation" wand that can't change a thing about him, but could get you to a different relationship with him (from NC, to low contact, or whatever) without any pain, where would you want your relationship with him to go?

What would you think about us helping to boost your strength with some relationship tools, particularly the boundaries tool, so that your relationship with him was less painful, and you could get some distance from him, without quitting cold turkey?  As time went on and your confidence grew, you'd better be able to continue to move things in the direction you want to go.  Would you like us to help you with that?

WW

[Cat Familiar]

I'm sorry it's such a tough situation for you. People with personality disorders can be really "sticky" and it makes it much harder to exit the relationship, even when it's not a romantic one.

I recently had to go no contact with a friend/neighbor. It started off as a financial transaction probably around 8 years ago when I started buying goat milk from her. Over the years we became friends and frequently chatted. I knew she had a PD, so I kept some distance, but she ended up roping me into helping her with all sorts of issues. I even went to court with her when she had a dispute with another neighbor.

It got to the point where I'd dread answering the phone when it was her. Most times she just wanted to talk about politics and current events, but other times she would ask for a small favor or bemoan her shaky financial situation.

The relationship wore on me but it was tolerable until she told me she was planning on committing suicide and burning her house down. I shared that info with an old friend of hers who is a mandated reporter, and when she found out, she went totally ballistic. At that point, I went no contact. As far as I know, she's still alive and her house hasn't burned, but she lives over the hill from me on large acreages, so we don't cross paths.

As much distance as I had kept, "breaking up" with her was still an excruciating process and I felt terribly bad about it for a long time. However, now that I'm free of her, I feel a lot lighter. And interestingly I've found out that this is her pattern: over the years she has roped in countless "helpers" who've tried to assist her with various self-created dramas in her life and she has trashed and destroyed all those relationships. I was merely the most recent.

[MyBPD_friend]

Hi Sharlock,

I can much relate to you and I feel very sorry for your difficult situation.

I've read your old posts as well to get a picture of your friendship with your BPD friend. I've been in a very simular situation for one year. I'm also married to a wonderful woman. I told my wife about this woman shortly after I met her.

My friendship to a BPD woman was so difficult emotionally, communication was so difficult and I really loved her, perhaps she loved me too in her own way. I do not work with her and I live a good three hours away, even in another country.

The pain, beeing in such a r/s, got so immense, also due to her failure in communication, I didn't see any other chance to get out of this.

I wrote a letter (by mail) to her in April this year, telling her that our friendship never had a real chance to grow healthy and that I got a new phone number. It was very painful to let go and probably not see her again. I think it's been very painful on her as well, but I had to look after myself, my family and my marriage - and my own well beeing and health.

Looking back three months does give me the feeling that I did the right thing, actually I should have done this earlier. I got a new nunber just to make sure she won't be able to contact me again after NC, which she's done before last year after 6 months of NC.

I very much hope that you can make a good and wise decision, just think about yourself and your marriage only - not about him.

Best wishes from Germany