How do you deal with the loneliness?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been one month since I last saw my ex. We've texted and talked a few times but haven't seen each other. I know it's for the best, but I'm so lonely. I miss the physical contact, even just cuddling and kissing. With all the other issues we had over many other things, our physical relationship was always so good. I'm just so sad and lonely. I miss him, I miss being in a relationship. I'm grieving the loss of the mental image I had of how things could or should be, I guess. I thought if he got help, if we got counseling, things would get better. But they didn't. I'm trying to accept that it's over, and that I have to move on, but going through the process just sucks.
Last night was rough. I was so sad. Went home after work and made a really strong drink, and then sat and just let the sadness and tears wash over me. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't (the crying, I mean, not the drink).
Logically, I understand this is part of the process, but I guess I'm impatient for it to be over, as I've seen others post on different threads. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I'm still working out, I'm still journaling, I'm trying to stay busy, and I do see a counselor every two weeks. But I still feel so down.
How does everyone deal with all of these feelings? Are there other things you do that help with this?

[WindofChange]

It's been one month since I last saw my ex. We've texted and talked a few times but haven't seen each other. I know it's for the best, but I'm so lonely. I miss the physical contact, even just cuddling and kissing. With all the other issues we had over many other things, our physical relationship was always so good. I'm just so sad and lonely. I miss him, I miss being in a relationship. I'm grieving the loss of the mental image I had of how things could or should be, I guess. I thought if he got help, if we got counseling, things would get better. But they didn't. I'm trying to accept that it's over, and that I have to move on, but going through the process just sucks.
Last night was rough. I was so sad. Went home after work and made a really strong drink, and then sat and just let the sadness and tears wash over me. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't (the crying, I mean, not the drink).
Logically, I understand this is part of the process, but I guess I'm impatient for it to be over, as I've seen others post on different threads. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of missing him. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I'm still working out, I'm still journaling, I'm trying to stay busy, and I do see a counselor every two weeks. But I still feel so down.
How does everyone deal with all of these feelings? Are there other things you do that help with this?

[Lady Itone]

Hi WindofChange

I'm struggling similarly after about of month of very low contact. I miss her, and I'm so lonely I can't stand it sometimes. I've been watching lots of t.v. for escape, not great but the fantasy world feels better than my lonely, loveless reality. No one I meet attracts me like she did, no one, I imagine, will ever feel so good and so bad.

You already know all the advice. Try to do things you enjoy and that are good for you, go out with friends, don't isolate, go for a walk, take a trip, eat a good meal, read a good book. I started therapy, even though I don't really believe therapy works for me, just so I'd stop boring my friends by talking about exBPDgf.

Frankly, none of this stuff is working for me. The darkness might lift for a moment, then back to my empty life. But I've been through bad breakups before, I know things get better. I don't think I'm going to need to go on antidepressants this time--after my last breakup with an NPDgf, I needed a couple of months of Wellbutrin to hold it together.

One step at a time. When I start to spiral, I ask myself "what can I do to make my life better right now?" Lately, it's been catching up on all the home improvement projects I've put off for years. If I can't come up with anything, I allow myself to give up and watch t.v...  

Unfortunately, there's no magic bullet. You're on the right path, it's just gonna take time. Hang in there! One day at a time

 

[PearlPark]

 

Hang in there, it's really difficult.
It's been 6 months for me and her birthday is coming up. I miss her every day and the feelings for her haven't changed.

However, I've gotten to the point where I feel happier with myself. I've changed so much in these past months, making new goals in life. It will get better with time and as much support you can get. The longer your relationship, the longer the grieving process.

There are going to be really hard days, where getting out of bed is a challenge. Take those days as opportunities to do something constructive, but you find enjoyable. I've found myself in cooking, doing something different at least every week (I then post it on Instagram and it makes someone a little jealous  ).
I've found so much joy in creating something delicious and then seeing it on other peoples faces. Cooking has been the biggest drive for me lately, something that has kept me passionate about what I can do week after week.

Find something creative that you really enjoy doing, something that doesn't feel like a chore. Cooking is mine, but I also love photography. I studied a bachelor in photographer and hope to work as one in the near future. Building up my resources, references and experience to work within the industry has also been a major boost towards my healing.

I'll admit I do have a anxiety disorder and I'm taking medication for it, all these activities have really help elevate my self esteem, self worth and my sense of fulfilment.

Do I love her and still miss her. Absolutely, but I've found a much more healthier relationship that needed to be formed before I could dive back into another relationship. Myself and that's what I advise you do

[WindofChange]

Lady I and Pearl, thank you for your responses. I really appreciate them. Lady I, I guess you're right, there's no magic bullet. I just wish there was. We were together 6 years, lived together two years and were engaged for the last year. This is the longest I've ever been away from him and, of course, it's a huge adjustment. Before him, I was married for 18 years. So I haven't been single for over 24 years! I guess, like you said, we just keep doing what we're doing and eventually it will get better.

I do need to find something to occupy me more outside of work. I don't have a house right now, or I'd be all over the home improvement projects idea. Maybe next year, (I hope). I understand the depression part, and vegging out in front of the tv. I've been doing  Netflix in the evenings. I've debated taking an antidepressant for a while, as I have done so in the past and it helped. I am just resisting it for now as well. Hopefully we can both get through the next few months without it, but if we end up needing it, there's no shame in that, right?

I recently went on a family vacation and rented a kayak for a few hours with my son. That was great! I'm looking into buying one and finding some people to kayak with. I love being on the water (would be creeks, rivers, lakes where I live). It's so peaceful. I think it would be very healing. I also used to enjoy buying old furniture and repainting or refinishing it. I'd like to do that again as well.

PearlPark, that is so cool that you are exploring your creativity in cooking and photography, and wonderful that it's improving your self esteem and self worth, and that you find it fulfilling . I love what you said about forming a healthy relationship with yourself, and working on yourself before considering one with anyone else. I definitely need to do that, too.

 My kids are grown and in college now. Maybe I should try to look at this as an opportunity to just focus on me. Who I am and who I want to be. Lady Itone, as you said, one day at a time. We'll get better. Thanks again to you both for your thoughts. They are sincerely appreciated!

[Zemmma]

WindofChange... I can relate to everything you wrote in that first message as though I wrote it myself. You are not alone! Not sure how that helps. Only to know that this deep and meaningful love that we found is not as rare as any of us thinks. Of course it is in a way, because there is only one you and only one him, but so many here have found it. Maybe we can be hopeful that we will find love again. Maybe even something better, something lasting.

I too have older kids (not yet gone) and am in my late 40's. I too am impatient against all of this grief. Shouldn't now be a time to be exploring and loving life? With relative youth and health and freedom!

All of the advice seems weak against this powerful force of love and loss. But we have to keep moving forward and look for the best in every day. What other choice do we have? I am with you in this struggle. It brings me to my knees most days. Then I get up and fight again. (Exhausting!).

[Cromwell]

Maybe I should try to look at this as an opportunity to just focus on me. Who I am and who I want to be. Lady Itone, as you said, one day at a time. We'll get better. Thanks again to you both for your thoughts. They are sincerely appreciated!

This is the longest period of time ive been outside of a relationship and ive just been dating. Its surprisingly became a very special time, ive started to for the first time feel a sense of freedom and self sufficiency. How do i deal with it - I rarely get lonely, there are times of course I think "isnt this stupid, we were great company, maybe I should just call her and meet", but instead Ive forced myself as a result to engage in new hobbies, exercise and work and study performance. It took awhile to get out of the mental rut I was in, im at the stage now where ive built up my life back to having interests where she isnt the centre focus. It takes work and its the same with moving to another relationship, they are all out there, but have to make the effort to find what I want, not what I "deserve" this time around.

Keep busy, avoid rumination, the last thing that helps to meet someone new is to still carry that emotional baggage and present as still "grieving/damaged by my ex". Have to overcome that by not letting it encroach into the present and into the future.

[DogMan75]

Technically, we’ve been broken up since November, but really, I’ve only started to detach since about the beginning of June.

It sucks.

I’m really just going through the motions, knowing that it will be better eventually, but for right now, every moment feels like forever, and I’m still thinking about her almost constantly. Not every day feels better. Some days feel worse than others, and even the good days aren’t so great.

I’m trying to keep myself busy, working out, seeing friends as much as I can, but sometimes I just feel like I’m bumming them out. Even if I’m not talking about it, I feel like they know I’m thinking about it, and they’re sick to death of it -so am I.

I don’t think there’s any trick to it. Just endure it, and live through one day at a time. What else can you do?

It sucks, though.

[WindofChange]

Zemmma, it does help in a way to know that I'm not alone. If others are feeling this pain, yet continuing to struggle through each day, then it gives me hope that I can, too. Yeah, it still sucks. But there are good days.

 Cromwell, your reply gives me hope that I can get to the point where you are, and begin dating again. I had someone ask me out a couple times, but I knew I was nowhere near ready, and like you said, I don't want to present as the pathetic "grieving/damaged by my ex" person. But with time, I'll give dating a chance again. And like Zemmma said, there is hope that we'll get past this heartbreak and find love again, lasting love, with a healthy person, once we are in a healthier place ourselves.

It's so good to have this site to read and be inspired by other stories, to share our own stories, to be encouraged. My friends and family don't get it. They're like, he is an ass, he's nuts, move on! Well, that's much easier said than done. I've stopped talking to them about it, too, as I feel they're all sick of it, as you said, Lady Itone and Dogman. But here, you all get it. We all understand why we need to vent and pour it all out and work through it. And that is a comfort, even on the really bad days.

[tin]

I relate so much! I just want to be cuddled and loved. I think that need for the affection and comfort was a reason I kept returning even after all the things he did that made me hurt and angry.

I want to be able to take advantage of having time to focus on myself. That's why I ended the relationship. I wanted to heal. But now I just want to be loved! I crave it. I downloaded a dating app and made a profile. It's weird. It's somewhat helpful to know that I am 'desired' in a sense, and if I wanted to go out and connect with someone I *could*. But I don't feel like I should. I do feel like I'm still damaged and carrying that baggage. However I wanna keep looking forward, not backward. And to allow for myself to feel that need, that neediness, and loneliness. And to have that hope and desire for love and affection and intimacy in the future. And to know within that I don't NEED it. I want it, but I don't need anyone else to make me feel whole, joyful, content, grateful. But we are all imperfect. And will never become perfect. We are all human. We are only alive once, only young once, and already spent too much time putting our own needs aside.

But imagining who I want to me, and what kind of person I want to be respected by, seems kind of helpful in keeping me on track with putting effort into taking care of myself and creating healthier habits and choices. I wonder if there's something unhealthy about that. I wonder how long it will take me to have faith in myself, to listen to myself, to respect my own wishes!

[tin]

It's great that you are journaling and working out! I find time in nature, away from people and things is actually quite soothing. And creative things like drawing or coloring or cooking or making something of some sort to help when i'm feeling down. Unfortunately when I'm feeling down it can feel overwhelming and impossible to take those steps to do more healthy things that can boost our dopamine and serotonin! What kinds of work outs are you doing? Are there social sports teams- like adult team sports (many cities have adult soccer, volleyball, etc) that might help you feel connected and a sense of belonging when you feel lonely and help distract the mind from focusing too much on wanting things from the past?

[Cromwell]

Sometimes have to watch out with loneliness when it gets used as a safety guard of being afraid of rejection.

Its great to get some time out and look within ourselves, this doesnt have to be lonely but it is a journey we have to take alone. The things I feel about myself at the moment, which got highlighted during the relationship - "not being good enough", "not able to fulfill her needs", "made so many mistakes" just going out there and trying to hope and find someone who will magic all those feelings that I have away, I dont believe in. In some ways im becoming the reverse of what I was, looking for a "rescuer" in someone else where I was the shining knight previously.

Need to take a different route, but it did involve having to take the hard work in confronting why I felt those ways, rather than just thinking they are connected directly to my ex and the breakup of the relationship, they go far beyond that.

[WindofChange]

Tin, Yes, that need to be cuddled and loved is strong, exactly! But I'm learning to accept that I can live without it for now. I am probably a little leery of getting into another relationship down the line, because I worry about repeating my mistakes. But I don't intend to let that fear cause me to avoid it forever.
Cromwell, I am trying to do the work on myself that you talked about doing, to see why I got into my last relationship, and stayed when it became so obviously unhealthy. I was initially focusing everything on my ex and blaming him for everything. It's been hard for me to say that I have been codependent, but it fits. Recognizing it has been the first step toward healing.
Cromwell, how has the dating been going for you? Was it hard to get back into it again?

Tin, how long has it been since you separated from your ex? How do you feel about dating again?
As for what I do re: working out, I run (ha, well really, it's a slow jog) 3 times a week, and then do some weight training 2 days a week. I got out of my routine a bit last week while on vacation, but I was at the beach with my mom and my son, and that was wonderful.

I do agree that quiet time in nature is very soothing and healing. I haven't been doing that much lately. While on vacation, my son and I kayaked one morning on a nearby bay at a state park, and we were the only ones on the water for a while, which was great. Now my plan is to get a kayak as soon as I can, and find some people to kayak with. I'm kind of excited about it, which is an improvement after not being excited about anything for a long time. That's a sign to me that I need to act on it!