Living in a different culture: he's moved out, blocked me, dont know what to do

[blackorchid]

Hi

its been a while since i have had to come on here and i really could do with some help please.


when they're having an episode does anyone else just feel like theyre going insane? i feel like ive got whiplash and am stuck in the eye of a hurricane and maybe i am the crazy one?


so background

i have been with my fiance for 14 years. living together for 7. i live in Turkey where the culture is more than a little different.

he has undiagnosed BPD. he has gone in steps to admitting that he knows that he has a problem but he has never been diagnosed here.  i dont even think that its possible to be diagnosed here. In february he went to the doctors and just got antidepressants but he stopped taking them 6 weeks ago. so that he could drink... .

three weeks ago we were sat watching tv and everything was fine and his friend (who i hate) called to say he was on his way here and can he stay ( he lives 7 hours away) and they can get some whiskey and have a bbq when he arrives at 1am. We had talked about this friend before because he is a bad influence and he had promised me that he wouldnt come to stay again. i tried reminding him of this but he immediately flipped and said that its his life and he will see who he wants and if i dont like it then i can leave him. I said youre not doing a bbq at 1 am in the morning.  its will disturb the neighbours and me i have work at 9am. he said ok we will go to the beach. he went to the supermarket and came back 30 mins later.  saying its just one night babe we're doing it here. i repeated what i said and he repeated that i can leave him.

that week we hardly spoke. it happened on the monday. on the sunday as it was my day off, i had made a nice meal for us and when he came home he asked how i was. i was busy cooking and said im ok.  well started to say it, it was more like "I'm O" he went insane and said why do i not care about him. why havent i asked how he is. i took the dog and left the house. to try and give him space. whilst out we messaged and i said i need more support in the house. i feel so lonely. he just replied that i can leave.  we are finished. before he came home we were actually messaging like normal and he was looking forward to a nice meal in together.

 then the next day he brought another friend here who stayed for 12 days. i tried to stay out of his way and let him calm down.  he would only shout at me and say we're finished and that i need to give him money for the furniture we have bought together or else he will sell stuff online.

after his friend left i was hoping to talk.  he didnt come home for three days. and during all this time he has done the usual of blocking me everywhere.

he came home on saturday night at 12.15 am. i was asleep. as there had been a break in the night before on the ground floor apartment i had dead bolted the door.  so that woke me up.  he had a friend waiting downstairs in a car.  we also split our wardrobes seasonally, so all his winter clothes were ready upstairs in a vacumm packs. he went and got them and got a bin bag and emptied all his shoes into it (which wierdly he has forgotten) then he did the same with his coats. he took the bags downstairs to his friend.  he then came up and started packing everything. i said what are you doing its almost 1am. he said he didnt care that he has no day off this week and is leaving me, told me to go back to bed. i was like are you kidding me how can i sleep now can we please just talk. that just made him more angry and more determined to leave. after he packed he just went to sleep. just like that he could sleep.  in the morning i tried talking to him again but that made him worse and he proceeded to getting his documents. then he left. he blocked me on instagram the last medium where i wasnt blocked.

he messaged me later to say pay the bills and if i dont pay them he will close the accounts (as a foreigner i cant get them in my name). i said ok and i might go to england for a week to clear my head, first he replied ok i can come home and look after our dog. then a second later he said whatever its not my problem. that he will speak to the landlord to put the contract into my name only.  then he said he had told us many times before that we have to be friends. nothing more.  but that i am sick. he then asked me for the money for the furnitures, why have you not sent it, whatever everything is yours.bye. but when you decide to move back to england tell me.  if you disturb me i will block you. on monday night he sent me a message telling me to pack the things he has forgotten. and that he will give me 2 weeks to get the money to pay him for the things.

As i was unblocked i tried sending him a message saying can we please talk and meet when you calm down  . he replied yesterday morning sayin good morning please write only about my possesions and nothing else. later yesterday he sent a message saying why havent i paid the electric with a screenshot of the email saying that it hadnt been paid. it was due last week and i gave him the cash for it. so i sent that. i got no reply so i sent him a bank transfer. (when he has episodes he can be reckless with money and i dont want the electric to be cut off)  he replied sayin why did you send it now, you have time, you have 1 month. I said i must have misunderstood the turkish i thought it hadnt been paid. he replies saying whatever i will pay for everything, if you want you can give me the money, if you dont want to, dont give it to me.  2 hours later he said he paid the electric, internet and tv and asked me to send him the water account number. he sent screenshots of the reciepts of payments. i said i cant send it now im watching the match   i will do it later. he replied i will sleep bye.  this morning i said i dont know where the paper is for the water bill, where did you put it? thank you for paying the bills. maybe when you collect your things we can talk. he replied dont disturb me  we are finished  i am blocking you and again im blocked.


please can someone advise me. please

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[pearlsw]

Hi blackorchid,

I am sorry to hear all you are going through and in a foreign country. I live in a foreign country as well and it is nearly impossible for me to function here without the help and cooperation of my SO so I can relate to some of your fears. I've also been to Turkey many times, so I can kinda picture some of what this must be like.

Okay. So, how often does he dysregulate like this? Has he often broken up with you before? Does he tend to back down at some point? What is the pattern?

My SO has broken with my more times than I count - a few times while I or both of us were also in Turkey coincindentally.

Do you have any friends or trustworthy contacts there? Are you near an airport?

He stopped taking the anti-depressants so he could drink more? Or? (My SO started drinking more after he started taking anti-depressants.)

I can so easily imagine this kind of flip flopping over the friend and the bbq. I think it can be hard for people with BPD to balance all of the people in their lives, to say the least. My SO will promise all kinds of things in terms of behavior, and then if someone else comes along, he will break all his promises, seem to forget them entirely, make a lot of difficulties over them. Do what is easier and convenient for the moment. And then later say he was wrong and he'll never ever do it again, only to do it again at some later point. Argh!

Would you want to or be able to stay in the country independently or do you feel, if this break really takes, you'd rather go back to your home country.

I know how hard this is. It forces you into two separate realities - both of which you feel you must plan for. I am so sorry!

with compassion, pearl.

[blackorchid]

Thank you so much for replying Pearl,

I don't know if anyone else has seen this pattern but he seems to do it every June/July... .

Last year he said he was leaving but just checked into a hotel for 5 days and then came back.   He always goes through the whole blocking thing when hes dysregulated but this seems much longer this time.  he normally would dysregulate at home, spend a week or 2 somewhere and come back.  this started on June 11 (the BBQ) so it seems to be much longer than before... .


All my friends here think Im insane for still caring about me and frankly wont engage in a conversation about it with me.  They say its good that hes gone that I need to hurry up and change the locks and move bills into my name or find a Turk who is willing to have them in my name. I obv dont think thats a good idea.

I think people actually do think that Im mental when I try and explain that he has BPD and they take it that I'm refusing to accept reality.  So that's no to the friends...

Family are of the same idea.  Telling me that I can do better and this is my chance to start a new life.

Im 15 mins away from an airport.

Yes, Turks are very wary of mixing medication and alcohol. He started to feel like the antidepressants were changing his sleep cycle and wouldnt listen to me saying try them at another time of the day. Turks dont like anything being wrong with their family and his mum and brother (studying medicine) strongly encouraged him to come off them. But the deciding factor was so he could drink.

I could stay here independently but atm Im struggling being in this massive house alone.  We moved last summer.  And that is what pushed him to the edge of depression IMO. He was a footballer but in the last week or pre season training last September he suffered a knee injury. He went for an  MRI and it was discovered that the ACL operation was unsuccessful and he had no ligament there and his football career was over unless he redid the op (which he didnt want to do). He tore the ACL in August 2016 so has been out for 2 years. So i have been the provider and the only one in work.  He finally found a new career at the end of May and has just started it.  I feel like that has helped him to push away from me as they have provided accomadation for him and that is where he has moved to.

Im sorry to hear about your difficulties too with your SO. I think that you are right about them being unable to balance everyone. When it is just me and him its so much calmer. This year there have been less episodes and just more depression really. But as soon as someone came it blew up.  He just kept saying the past week that he is leaving me because i dont treat his family well enough. Which left me confused ( we live in Antalya on the mediterranean coast whilst they live on the Black Sea), they havent been here for a year since last August so I dont know where the comment continuously came from. And he didnt want to visit them all year. So that was also the last time I saw them.

His Mum has never been fully supportive of us and would much rather him have a nice Turkish/muslim partner rather than a western one. So I can only imagine what they are saying to him now.