At what point should I be concerned about his drinking?

[pearlsw]

Hi Everyone,

My partner has a tendency towards addictive behavior. I can't say exactly when or how it happened, but he drinks daily now. In anger he has blamed me for this, but at other times he does seem to be having fun with it, so far... .

To be honest, it made him nicer so I sort of prefer that version of him. His anti-depressants have helped him gain a lot of emotional control, compared to before, but the drinking brings up a more emotional side of him and a lot of sleeping.  To be embarrassingly honest I found his sleeping a nice break for me.

He will say at times I should keep an eye on him and let him know if he seems to have a problem. He tends to stop at two drinks a day I think, but I can't tell how much he loads into each drink. Some days he'll have extra, but I think that is more so on the weekends.

At times he gets to be too much and I ask if he's drunk. He has taken it all pretty well so far, when I ask about it... .but on top of all else I want to be ready for where this might heading - into a new problem zone.

~pearl.  

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[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearlsw,

Does your partner or anyone in his family have a history of substance abuse?

Alcohol has always been a problem with my wife. The week before she told me she might be BPD she was telling me she was alcoholic. She has periods where she drinks almost every day, then periods where she stops for months, not a drop. Then she has one drink, totally in control. The next night it's two. By the third night she's finishing off a bottle of red wine by herself and putting 4 beers on top of it. She's on the wagon right now. My own theory now is that she's not essentially alcoholic, but that one of her BPD traits is alcohol abuse. I am sure it will come back before too long.

To be honest, it made him nicer so I sort of prefer that version of him.  

Be wary of this. My wife is usually very happy and loving when drunk. But at the same time she would also be less careful in holding the kids. And in general I think it is very bad for them to see her stumbling around with an intoxicated smile on her face. I get so angry and resentful when she's drunk because I can't control how she acts around them. And if she asks me to buy her more I usually do the avoid conflict. This is enabling and wrong but I struggle with it.  

I also liked the sleeping since it was rare personal time for myself.

My conclusion is that like the BPD this is their problem to take care of and we are not responsible for if they drink or don't. We can't scream at them to stop or lecture them, but we must do our best not to enable them. If they want to drink, they should do it alone and at their own expense. And the consequences of their behavior are their own. I need to stop putting a blanket and a pillow on my wife when she collapses on the floor and then sleeping next to her. 

Yrs,
ROE

[pearlsw]

Hey ROE,

I think you nailed it on this one! What a great reply!  

I don't drink with him. I like to drink but don't like to do anything to excess. I am not an addictive personality at all. My family is actually the one with the history of alcohol issues! My cousin & his wife do some work in genetic testing and found that he has a gene that somehow makes the use of alcohol even more pleasing to him than on average, so they try to stay mindful of his drinking.

My SO has a brother that does not drink because he knows he'd abuse it if he did, so he actually does talk to my SO and keep an eye on him a bit. My SO is very mindful and cautious about it at times, but I hope he doesn't get himself into dangerous straights. He minds his caloric intake so if nothing else, not wanting to gain excess weight from unnecessary calories could stop him from going too far. He also tends to get on kicks for things. For awhile it was drinking beer, then White Russians, now it is vodka and orange juice. I would not be surprised if one day he woke up and stopped cold turkey and was on to some other thing to do. He tends to hyper-focus.

I don't feel I am enabling it. I have had partners that smoked pot or used other drugs briefly in the past and I really just don't like being around people that are addicted to stuff. I'd say something if need be, I have been firm when he wants to talk about emotional topics while drunk - that's a no go for me. I would not get overly involved in him drinking or not drinking - I agree, he's gotta run that show.

Thank you for that tip to be wary! I do feel a touch of guilt for telling him he's nice when he drinks.

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom!

sincerely, pearl.  

[RolandOfEld]

Hi pearls, coming back to this thread cuz the inevitable drinking returned in a big way this weekend.

So uBPDw has been depressed and under huge stress with all the teaching job tests and demos, which haven’t been going well. I believe in my heart I have been doing everything I can to support her. I took many leaves before I left my last job to give her more time to prepare, and I have already taken 3 leaves just two weeks into my new job so she can test as well as have a little extra time to prepare. I have been on hand to help her prepare and answer her questions. I have comforted her, listened to her, and empathized with her when the tests / demos went bad. I have watched the kids every second I am home. These are gifts and do not require any thanks. But somehow I still get treated horribly a lot of the time.  

The other night I was rushing to make milk for D2 so she would settle down and I could help wife look at her writing. I scalded myself with boiling water and cried out. The kids sat watching a cartoon, and no reaction from wife in the next room. I’ll admit it was immature, but I felt frustrated and said out loud “Just letting everyone know I’m fine!” My wife got angry, saying she was doing a timed practice for her demo the next day when I got hurt and said “You believe you getting burned is more important than me getting a job?”   I answered that I thought it did for just that one minute. More arguing. Later it was me who apologized!

Fast forward to this weekend where we had a little argument about me taking another leave, which I thought would be impossible for that day. I’ll admit some of her angry feelings about this were valid about this and I should have just listened to her, but I had too much stored anger and I yelled at her. I said that I had done so much to help and all she could focus on was what I did wrong. I said that everything was about her and that no one in our family gave a crap about me. I then said I should calm myself down and left the room. She went out with a friend later. I texted to apologize and validate her feelings but she said to leave her alone and that she wouldn’t talk to me anymore. It’s one of those situations where I’m wrong on the superficial level but right on a deeper level that no one but me will ever see.

Again, wife hasn’t touched any alcohol in months but now she’s been drinking non stop the last two nights. I find our study filled with beer cans every morning. Yesterday she locked herself in our bedroom all day. I took the kids out to play but couldn’t put them down for a nap because the door was locked, exhausting. By bedtime wife came out the bedroom and went into the study to drink. That was after she tried to intentionally get D2 to pee on the floor!  I finally almost got them to sleep and she kept coming in and turning on the bright light. Then she took S5 out to the living room to watch cartoons and gave him a huge bowl of candy. She wouldn’t let me take him to sleep. I’m sure she knew I was exhausted and was trying to keep me up. Finally I managed to get him in and turn the light off (though I woke up an hour or so later and it was back on).

This is what happens when you express your feelings in a borderline relationship. I admit I was wrong about certain things, and I acknowledge her pain, but I have a side, too, and if we could communicate and she could see it we could work through this. But it remains impossible. This is no relationship anymore by my count.

Sorry for hijacking the thread, just needed a place to be heard on this one.

~ROE

[pearlsw]

Hey ROE,

I don't mind at all! You know me! But it would be good to put this in a place where others will see it and rally around you! But since you are here with me I am happy to talk! 

I get bummed out when I make mistakes and say not great stuff. I do tend to stay pretty upbeat and sweet with him, but I can say passive aggressive stuff. When I says "I love you" I don't say it back, instead I say a word in another language that means "sometimes". It's a bit of a joke, but I know it hurts him, but I just can't let my guard down on that anymore as he turns things off and on like a light switch!

Sorry to hear she's been drinking like this for two days. That would surely drive me nuts with little ones and one parent being checked out like that. That is one reason I don't have kids. The person who was around at the "best" time for this had drug/drinking issues and I took a hard pass on this. I also just wasn't ready at that age. By the time I was, couldn't find a solid enough partner to do it with and I realized that parenting without a dad would take out a big part of the fun so... .

Instead of blurting it out in these situations I wonder if it is worth just one sit down conversation where you make this point, get it out there, but then keep moving forward? (The issue of you not feeling appreciated.) Or is she never able to listen? My guy can only listen in short bursts as his shame is so high. He feels too bad to hear me tell him when he's messed up with me.

I am on my last legs too... .not feeling I have much of a relationship by my count, but now, here he is, fighting for it and begging me to not give up.

hugs, pearl.   

[RolandOfEld]

Thanks for always being there, pearls. I may take this to a new post at some point but wanted to followup on my prediction here that the drinking would come back for consistency.

When she gets like this I just try to pretend I'm a single parent (honestly, sometimes I wish I was, hard as that would be). It's fine when she's checked out, but not so fine when she steps in and throws in these abusive behaviors that involve turning the kids into weapons against me and hurts them.

No, I do not think she could ever cope with a phrase like "I often feel as though I am not appreciated and that you can't hear my side of things." Once every few years a golden moment comes along where it seems like she might be able to accept a genuine criticism, but those are rare. My guess is that her behaviors of the last few days are driven more by shame than genuine anger. I'll be honest, I had some pretty terrible things I wanted to say.

Hang in there, pearls. I believe we're both getting somewhere good. 

~Roland   

[pearlsw]

Thanks for always being there, pearls. I may take this to a new post at some point but wanted to followup on my prediction here that the drinking would come back for consistency.

When she gets like this I just try to pretend I'm a single parent (honestly, sometimes I wish I was, hard as that would be). It's fine when she's checked out, but not so fine when she steps in and throws in these abusive behaviors that involve turning the kids into weapons against me and hurts them.

No, I do not think she could ever cope with a phrase like "I often feel as though I am not appreciated and that you can't hear my side of things." Once every few years a golden moment comes along where it seems like she might be able to accept a genuine criticism, but those are rare. My guess is that her behaviors of the last few days are driven more by shame than genuine anger. I'll be honest, I had some pretty terrible things I wanted to say.

Hang in there, pearls. I believe we're both getting somewhere good. 

~Roland   

Oh my gosh! I had some pretty terrible things that I only said inside my head the other day... .I was listing off what all the men in my family would have done to him had it been back in the mid-twentieth century! Let's just say old fashioned a$$-whooping! But here we are in the present and I am not a violent person and don't want to hurt him at all. That may be one of my weakest points on all this. I am afraid I may stay in this just so his life isn't destroyed, and so his dreams aren't destroyed, but what about me? Yikes. I just wish he hadn't made life so difficult and nearly impossible for us. It feels tragic to me, to see how much he loves me and how he has nearly destroyed it all... .I do feel badly for him. I can't help it. I have always felt protective of him and it would break my heart to see his life go down the drain... .

Awww. I can imagine being a single parent to your kids seems to be what feels like a better/easier option at times. I tell ya, when I think how I actually waited my whole life for "this"... .I think... .what was I thinking? hahahahaaha. Oops!

But today I must admit I struggled over that "in sickness and in health stuff." It hurts me a lot because I wish I could be that person with him, that "I'd stay through anything" kind of person, but this stuff can be so far over the line that... .it just isn't something I can do if it just goes on and on like this. He was just swearing to me again, for I don't how many times now, that he will never threaten to break up with me again, that he is sorry, doesn't know himself when he is like this, hates himself for being this way and for hurting me, etc... .Only to do it all over again. And again.

I've always tried to give chances in relationships rather than pull the plug right away, but... .I would really, really, really for the love all there is in the world like to have a happier life... .I know that may not ever be a thing... .that happiness would likely never stay around for long, I've never had a lot of it, but... .Ah, being with some who has the relationship skills of Godzilla is not easy!  

Well, I'm here! And I would be so happy to hear about some of the joys you are having with your kids despite all - if there are some you'd like to share. I never met the right person to have kids with so I sort of missed the boat on that part of life, so I'd love to live a little vicariously through you!

   

here for ya!

~pearl.

[RolandOfEld]

I am afraid I may stay in this just so his life isn't destroyed, and so his dreams aren't destroyed, but what about me?

pearls that may be the whole reason I am in this relationship to begin with. When I met her she was poor, orphaned, newly recovered from life saving brain surgery, and dreamed of nothing more than being a teacher. I came back with her to her country to make that happen and in total may have done more for her career than my own. Somewhere inside I felt I had to get her to safe place before I ever considered leaving. Then we had kids, she decided to go home to take care of them, and I was responsible for her pain / depression because I wasn't the one to do it (though as you know I took 1 six month leave when S5 was little and another 1 year leave when D2 was born, lost my job to that one).

Here's where the situation explodes with irony. Yesterday, just as I was finally trying to free myself of the narrative of responsibility for her life, she got a job. A safe, government-ensured teaching job she beat out hundreds of people with no kids and no career gaps to get in a country where teaching jobs are evaporating by the minute. And it is at a school right next door to my new company. It feels like a handout from the Almighty.

So, this is awesome because I am instantly freed from various burdens: being the sole income provider, worrying about whether she will ever get another job, and being a target of her work frustrations. And when she is settled, I have a lot more space to consider separation since she is no longer financially dependent on me.

But will a new job cure her BPD? I don’t think so! It will find some other sore point to latch onto, who is doing the most laundry, my family, the job pressures. I know I am in no way out of the woods. But it is a step forward.

Pearls I can’t say that there is a perfectly happy life for us out there. There is no such thing for anyone. But I know there is one where we do not have to cope with these things. I think a life free from that would be happy enough.

~Roland

[pearlsw]

that may be the whole reason I am in this relationship to begin with. When I met her she was poor, orphaned, newly recovered from life saving brain surgery, and dreamed of nothing more than being a teacher.

It feels like a handout from the Almighty.

~Roland

Wow Roland, I had never heard the piece about her brain surgery and being poor and orphaned! (or didn't recall?) Oh my! We must have soft hearts! My guy had had his kids kidnapped and then a war started in the country they were in and he was out of his mind. It's hard not to give a person a few breaks, it's just when it stretches out to the point that we end up broken! Ay, ay, ay! I was so determined not to be broken in life, but this guy sure had a lot of ammunition and all that friendly fire... .was too much.

Sigh. I may be on the verge of a job breakthrough here. We'll see. I don't want to count my chickens! I dream of being on my own here sometimes, just to catch a breath, but I think that might simply be too big of a mountain to climb. I just need the breakup threats off the table and that would cover the basics for me. I am not asking for the moon and stars, just not to be told every week that the sky is falling and my future does not exist would be super.

Will you try to find a way to celebrate the new job with her? Does that feel like it might be nice to do in the present? We're still in the woods, but I am so happy for this step forward and hope it has many upsides!  

You're the best!
~pearl.