New Member and I'm learning

[StormyLife]

I am reading Stop Walking on Eggshells.  This group seems like a good step for hearing from others in my same situation.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pjmanley41]

Hello, I'm a newbie also but I'm hoping just knowing others have really faced similar situations will help me not feel so isolated.

"No More Walking on Eggshells" is okay but I felt the generic "keep your cool when they lose their's" was't much help for me.  I needed real people who have faced a daughter yelling "you stupid c**t, I hope you die" to tell me I'm not alone.

Hope you find what you need here! 

[StormyLife]

Nope. You are not alone at all.  I have heard that many times. 

[pjmanley41]

Thank you StormyLife.  You don't know how much it means to me to know that its not just me being punished for failing my daughter somehow.  Thank you.

[StormyLife]

I am learning that it is not us failing but them needing a different type of response.  I am seeing how I respond (taking her comments personally) and then helping her to see things from my point of view (i.e. correcting her 'revisionist history' as we call it) is not helpful to the situation.

[wendydarling]

Hi StormyLife

 

Let me join pjmanely41 in welcoming you here and yes you are right this is a great place to hear from others in your situation, gain and give support to others  

You are right on the button, it's about our children needing a different type of response.  

Can you share a little about the situation you are dealing with your child to help parents support you further.

WDx

[StormyLife]

Sure.  Thank you for asking.

We have a 17 1/2 year old daughter, adopted at birth.  She had been manageable up until she started high school (mostly because I had always rescued her from situations involving pain).  You know, trying to compensate for being adopted by showering her with love.  She had every opportunity and was able to try whatever she wanted but never found anything that she stuck with - music lessons of many instruments, many forms of dance lessons, karate, 4H, many pets, Girl Scouts.  She is an only child as well so all the choices made were with her involvement. 

In high school, she started having social anxiety issues.  This led to us removing her from public school and opting for online education.  She had other issues as well.  Our normally compliant rule-following kid starting talking back and experimenting with cigarettes and pot.  All things we thought were just normal kid things.  Then she started ruling our house.  Needless to say, we have done everything we can on our end.  Made mistakes as well.  Now we are looking at a BPD diagnosis and it all makes sense.  She needs boundaries and expectations while not removing myself from her when she acts out.  She is finally back at counseling and I have front-loaded the psychologist to the real matters at hand so she can guide the sessions better.  It is likely when the psychologist pushes these issues, my daughter will quit going but we are at a pivotal point before she turns 18 and chooses to leave home.  She has no job, income, driver's license. 

Thank you for being here!

[Feeling Better]

Hello SormyLife

Thank you for filling us in some more regarding the situation with your BPD daughter.

I am so glad to hear that your daughter is back in counselling, I hope that she does manage to stick with it but you are very wise to acknowledge that she could likely quit if she doesn’t like the way that her sessions go.

You recognise that your daughter needs good boundaries, have you read about/received help implementing boundaries?

[StormyLife]

Yes, I have some good books and am in counseling myself (3 years now).

Thank you all for the support.

[darbs7]

Our daughter is 28 and started showing signs of BPD in her mid-teens (although we just thought it was teen rebellion).  Up to that point she was a calm child who we rarely had to speak to for poor behavior, but she was an only child showered with love and attention from both of us.  We spoiled her, she wanted for nothing, she could join any activity she wanted (but quit everything... .should have been a sign).  She was also bullied for being chubby and I swooped in to the rescue and covered that pain every time.

She has made a ton of poor choices since 18 (she eloped at 20, divorced him four years later only 3 weeks after she had a baby), met another guy and got pregnant right away.  She has a major trail of financial issues (basically every bill she has ever had is in collection except the 28k we have co-signed for over the years... .those are all paid in full and on time).  She has attempted college 5 different times with zero credits and 25K in student loans.  I feel like she has gotten worse year after year.

She and the two little ones live with us (she has no job, no money, no child support, no social services, and does not help around the house... .she struggles just to keep up with her room and laundry). 

She has never been hospitalized or done anything illegal, she is not into alcohol or drugs, her addiction is finding a man to stay with her.  I feel your pain

[StormyLife]

Yes, Darbs7, sounds like my life.  I am hoping that she will make changes now at almost 18 before we go down that same path but know that we may be doing the same thing for a long time - especially when children are involved.

She says she never wants to have children but prefers to adopt but since she needs help remembering to take her birth control pills while living in my house, there is a high likelihood of pregnancy when she gets on her own due to her forgetful nature and excuse making of why she forgets.

Thank you for sharing.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders