"going through the motion" but not really processing

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi everyone,

It's been a couple of months since I posted. I have browsed through the boards intermittently, but I have not really just had much time to sit down and put any kind of thoughts together worth typing out, for me or anyone else. I have also had to put a lot of energy into school since I had to take two classes instead of just one for the summer term. It's lots of essay work, which is fine because I enjoy writing, but the research is time consuming. Also challenging with S2.

Some of you have reached out to me privately and I do appreciate you all taking time to check in with me. It reminds me that I really did connect with others on these boards who find strength and hope in sharing experiences. That is encouraging.

I feel as though I have been going through the motions of life. Kind of just coasting on autopilot, doing enough just to get through whatever is in front of me. I am not making progress in several areas that I would like to and I get frustrated with that. I feel numb a lot of the time; the emotions I do seem to feel are anger, frustration, and irritation. I can't seem to make decisions. I feel like I am in limbo, and I don't like it. I feel pressured to keep up with all the irons I have in the fire. I also have been experiencing some unpleasant memories of the emotional, physical and mental abuse I suffered and that does not improve my mood whatsoever. I have a lot of unresolved feelings, much as I would like to carry on as normal and pretend that the trauma did not deeply affect me. It did.

UBPDh is supposedly being released from jail later this month. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't want to see him yet. I'm not ready. I'm still very emotionally raw, and I know it.

Thanks for listening everyone. I'm glad you guys are still here.

Redeemed

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redeemed, it's good to have you back. 

I feel like I am in limbo, and I don't like it.

I'm sorry you are in this place right now. If it helps, it sounds like while a lot of things are not moving forward around you, a lot is happening inside you. Like you said, you have a lot to process. That is work in itself, the process of metabolizing the pain we have been through and moving forward from it. All of us have your back here as you take one small step after another. 

Regarding your husband's release from jail, do you have the means to keep a distance from him if you don't wish to see him? Do you think he would contact you before trying to meet or is it possible he would just show up unexpected, e.g. to see your son or just to see you?

Sending you strength,
Roland

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Roland,
I have a po against my husband, and he doesn't know where I live. Also he doesn't have transportation. He will basically be homeless upon his release. He mentioned seeking inpatient mental health services, I hope he does

[I Am Redeemed]

I am trying to post on my phone so I am making short posts. Also I developed pinkeye on July 4. Never had it before and it's very uncomfortable. I had to take off work for a week. And s2 broke my laptop... .and roommate's brand new tv... .sigh... .

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redeemed, sorry to hear about your latest string of misfortunes. Can't even begin to calculate how much stuff my kids have damaged / destroyed to date.

Glad to hear, though, that you have legally enforced protection from your husband that allows you to set the rules on contact.

Pink eye is a nightmare. Please feel better! 

~ROE

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks ROE, luckily I have some savings to fall back on but I don't want to get too far behind.
The thing that concerns me about uBPDh is that I have not yet gotten a handle on boundaries. I'm afraid of falling into old patterns and depleting my resources to take care of him. It's foolish, I know, but more foolish to believe I'm not susceptible

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Redeemed, its good that you are realistic about your own trouble handling boundaries. I am working on this, too. Its a day by day thing I think.

I think we have to keep one thing firmly in our minds, and that is while we think we are "helping" them, we are really making things worse for them by protecting them from the consequences of their own behavior.

That said, we still need reminders and external support to have the strength to say "no". Is this something you think your roommate can help you on?

~ROE

[I Am Redeemed]

ROE, my roommate has just finally managed to get free of a lon term r/s with a man who exhibits many PD characteristics. She and I have lots in common in that respect. She is just like me regarding boundaries and caretaking. Probably another friend as well as my therapist would be more of a support

[I Am Redeemed]

I can always see the behavior and pitfalls in someone else's situation, but I feel like I do what I know I shouldn't do in my own personal situation. I am SO vulnerable to FOG. I do it to myself! What is that about? Some kind of abuse trauma residual effect? Idk

[I Am Redeemed]

I already have been feeling guilty that I have a place to live, a car and enough savings that I can be sick for over a week and take off work and not be struggling for money. It's not a lot, but I've been more financially stable in recent months than I have in seven years with uBPDh. And I feel guilty that he will be homeless and have to start from the bottom, even though he did it to himself

[I Am Redeemed]

I have also caught myself having the old thoughts of "if I don't help him, who will" and then compounding those feelings with confusion regarding the"Christian" thing to do. Red flag! Red flag!

[RolandOfEld]

Redeemed I am totally with you on the FOG thing. It seems like no matter how much k nowledge I gain I still fall into old narratives of being responsible for everyone, especially my wife.

This may be a dumb question but have you read the book Boundaries? It addresses boundary setting from both a psychological and Christian perspective
and talks about the exact kind of thinking you mentioned.

[I Am Redeemed]

ROE,

I purchased a copy of Boundaries a couple of months ago and I read it, but this might be a good time to revisit it. I tend to read intensely when I get interested in something, and then move on to the next. I read "Boundaries", "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" all back to back. I probably didn't give myself enough time in between to really digest what was being said.

Another trap I fall into is thinking that it's my problem or my responsibility to come up with solutions for other people. At least, I feel that if I don't, I am somehow "not caring."

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Redeemed,

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles.  Glad you have posted again and given us an update.

I know what you mean about the guilt.  The most important thing, I think is to keep yourself and your son safe.

From your reports, you have worked yourself to the bone to get what you have.  You should not feel guilty about having things that you have worked so hard for.

It has helped me to think of Boundaries as keeping in the good things that we want like safety, financial stability, peace of mind, etc.  and keeping out things that are not good for us like instability, chaos, guilt, financial problems.  Boundaries are actions we take to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. 

Take good care.

Peace and Blessings,

Mustbe





 

[I Am Redeemed]

Mustbe,

Hi, it's good to hear from you again! Yes, you're right, I remember the book describing Boundaries as being like a fence with a gate- letting in the good and protecting it and letting out the bad and keeping it from trespassing. I think I need to keep these images in my mind daily, even if I have to read the same part over and over to remind myself, and also bring up my concerns with my T. I relate my vulnerability to falling back into old patterns to the same type of thinking that characterizes addiction. Reading the books Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous may give me some great insight and awareness into my disorder and behavior, but that alone will not stop me from slipping back into old habits. I can think all I want to about how not to relapse, but if I don't practice a lifestyle that keeps the techniques fresh in my mind, then the obsessive/compulsive nature of the disorder will win out and I will be in danger of doing the very thing I do not want to do.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Yes, Redeemed, keep those things in mind.  Like the Bible says, God wants you to prosper, not to fail.  To have life and have it more abundantly. 

Hold tight to what you know is right for you and your son.

Mustbe