Hypervigilance or am I fooling myself?

[Getoverit]

For a while now I've been in the process of severing ties completely. I managed to implement no contact and with the help of many bpdfamily members I've felt better and feel confident that I won't ever turn back. One thing that I've been questioning is why I continue to be proccupied by whether he is stalking me. I am always looking around when I'm out and when my phone rings I feel nervous. To be completely honest, there have been times when I feel almost sad that it's not him calling. When I catch myself feeling this way I feel mortified. Has anyone else experienced this?

[hoemee]

Hello - and welcome - to answer your question about whether or not anyone else has experienced this... .probably everyone else on this board! Hypervigilance in it's purest definition means you are trying to detect activity... .now, wondering if you are being stalked... .that is different and separate.  Is this the first time you have tried to implement no contact? Has your ex-partner ever stalked you before after you may have initiated no contact?

[Getoverit]

I have been trying to cut off ties with him for years. I have been a fool and believed him every time he said he would harm himself so I would reluctantly agree to work on the relationship. At some points I believe I wanted to work on being with him--I have no idea why or how. It's embarrassing to me, to be unable to explain yourself at my age.

This is the first time I have not called him on my own for months. Initially I was under the impression that he was implementing NC as I would return his call if I saw that he had attempted to contact me. Of course he never answered. He would start up again calling incessantly day and night which I consider stalking. In retrospect I believe he would do this only when he was feeling the urge to question me about something that he was doing himself (i.e. spending time with another person).

I haven't heard from him for a while and I have no desire to contact him. My hope is that this nightmare is over for the both of us. In the past he has contacted me while he was in relationships with other women (I only recently found this out). And I'm certain he has been doing the same to them while I was the "serious girlfriend". It is no longer my concern how he spends his time. I just want him to leave me alone for good. I wish I could stop feeling so much anxiety about his reappearance.

[hoemee]

You are not a fool... .I would venture to say you are a loving and caring person, perhaps to your own fault.  You have admittedly agreed in the past to work on your relationship - has he? Are you the only one willing to do the work? What you are describing as far as him contacting you is an attempt on his part to maintain supply - this is indicative of someone who is a narcissist. 

Take this time to work on and heal yourself.  The first step may be no contact - seek the process out on this board.  The next step may be therapy with a trained psychologist to help you truly understand yourself.  Take back the power that you have given him to affect your life.   

[Getoverit]

Thank you for the reassurance. I have no intentions of ever seeing him again. I don't want to speak to him again either. He had convinced me that our problems were stemming from me so I have been seeing a therapist for a long time. He has done noting to change himself or our relationship. I am okay with that since the relationship has been dead for a long time.

I want to believe that part of my healing is processing these emotions that torment me. I know that I need time for them to pass and slowly but surely they will become less intense, and I will stop beating myself up for not having had the strength to know what I was up against.

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."