Beginning to lose hope: he's raging, destroying my things, he got confronted

[eggshellfiancee]

After about 6 weeks of my uBPD husband not being romantic with me, not sleeping in the same bed as me, and telling me it was all my fault and I was responsible for fixing it (without clearly identifying what went wrong other than "not being a wife", my husband and I were on the upswing this last week. We had friends in town who brought out the best of him, and he started falling head over heels for me again. We went out on a nice date last night and decided to go to our neighborhood bar after.  I know that drinking often causes episodes of rage with him, but he literally turned to me and said "If I start to get ragey, please turn to me and say 'no fighting.' Point it out, I dont want to fight with you, I love you adn I'm having fun"

Flash forward a few hours. We arrived home after he stoped along the way at a corner store while I put my bike away. We watched some TV for a bit and then I decided to go to bed. As i'm falling asleep he says "What did you say to the guy at the corner store that night i lost my bike seat?"  See, a few weeks ago in the midst of one of his worst rages ever, he lost a bike seat and tried to blame it on me.  He said he'd taken it intot he store with him but it wasnt there so he told me to go look. I did. I was crying while I was there and the worker asked if I was okay. I asked for his help in looking for this seat. I went back int he morning and did the same. The same worker was there and he said something along the lines of "your husband shouldn't make you feel like this, you're trying to help him." We rarely go into this particular store, but apparently when he went there last night, the worker asked if he was the one who had "kicked his wife out for losing his bike seat." This embarassed and enraged him, and he waited until I was goign to bed to tell me about it. He then proceeded to destroy some of my things - particularly a hat I had just purchased on the date. Told me how horrible I was, how i spread his dirty laundry everywhere, how everone in the neighobrhood is going to turn against him, etc. We have a closeknit neighborhod and I've been very deliberate in hididng his behavior from our neighbors, but I guess this one guy caught on and confronted him.

He is now, again, saying he never should have married me, should have divorced me long ago,etc.

I'm really starting to lose hope. Every time things start to go well then he finds some innocuous thing to be upset about again and blows up. I love him so much and I dont want to leave him, but is this going to be the rest of my life? He's emotionally abusive to the point that it's pervasive accross every level of my life.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[braveSun]

eggshellfiancee, I'm so sorry this happened last night!  

It is so hard to stay on course and to keep up our good feelings for progress when things out of our control catch up like that and our spouses blame us for it. It's not your fault. Clearly, if you cried, it was because things were getting too much.

With pwBPD, it's kind of expected that some boomranging emotions would come back and the blame would be put on you.   

How are things now? Did he stop breaking your things?

And most of all, are you safe at home?



Brave

[eggshellfiancee]

He still damages my things from time to time. It's incredibly frustrating.

I just wish I knew how to get him to accept help. I actually called for an ambulance in a panic the other day because he was threatening to kill himself. This of course only made things worse. He now feels like I'm betraying him. I knew that I shouldnt do that and I asked them to leave but they still spoke to him in front of our apartment before they would let him go.

I know it's all in his head and he is hurting, but I dont know how to keep going on like this.

[braveSun]

He still damages my things from time to time. It's incredibly frustrating.

I just wish I knew how to get him to accept help. I actually called for an ambulance in a panic the other day because he was threatening to kill himself. This of course only made things worse. He now feels like I'm betraying him. I knew that I shouldnt do that and I asked them to leave but they still spoke to him in front of our apartment before they would let him go.

I know it's all in his head and he is hurting, but I dont know how to keep going on like this.

eggshellfiancee, this is a very valid point. It's not easy to get our loved ones to accept these things. There is a lot of stigma around that. Did you check on that page?

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

There is good information on that topic. For me it's very much a work in progress. I've had one relationship attempt with a pwBPD who was diagnosed, so that part was taken care of. But the diagnosis was very difficult on her. On the other end, my current partner shows traits, but she doesn't identify at all with being BPD or NPD. Not only she doesn't, but she can be very upset when she thinks that it might be in my mind. Some times she shared something about her feelings, like some racing negative thoughts or depression in the morning. But it's not really working for me to push it up on her. I see it more on an overall approach of being there for them when they want to share something about their pain or difficult emotions.

It's very much a process. Many of us on these boards are with people who have traits but are not diagnosed or sub-clinical. In the end what counts is the fact that their behaviors are hurting the people close to them. That's why we are here.

All in all the only changes I can impart in my relationship are the changes I do myself. Like I have started to read and to apply some of the communication tools here. And that has helped a bit to decrease the intensity of some of the attacks. Here is a link to some of them.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=168004.msg11986938#msg11986938

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

About him breaking your things, it is frustrating in the least. Are you having any possibility to put some of your valuables in a safe place outside of his reach? Sometimes it's not practical, but for some of it maybe it could give you a bit of peace of mind.

From what I read in your story it appears that making sure you have a safety plan for yourself might be a good idea. Have you thought about it?

Keep us posted and be gentle with yourself.   

Brave