Shocker: I'm hurt and angry. But about this?

[Harri]

My anger comes and goes.  When it is here, I sit with it, recognize it, acknowledge it, let it go.  The hurt stays though.  It is combined with a sense of betrayal and resentment.  Looking at the big picture of my life, it makes sense to me.  I am not through the healing process and I even accept that the hurt will probably always be there on some level.  But to feel hurt about this?  It seems weird.

I am hurt that my mother is dead.  But not in the way you might think.  I am hurt that after spending my life trying to help her and fix her and giving up so much of me, she is dead and at peace and I am now fighting to heal myself and she is not even around to help or support me.  Defies logic doesn't it?  She is the one who hurt me and abused me.  I would even say she tortured me mentally which was the worst that was done to me. 

Is the hurt because I want her to support me, and I am still wishing for a mother that I never had?  Or is it because her fight is over?  Is it envy that I am feeling?  I think so or maybe it is a combination of the two. 

I am not sure what to make of it.  This has been rattling around and around in my head for about a month now.  It is mind numbing and exhausting.  I wasn't able to talk about it at my last T session.  I have one next week and I hope I will be able to then.  I am going to write it down in my notebook and bring it with me. 

I want to explore it here first though.  Feeling too crazy to tell my T and I am afraid she will think I am wishing to die again.  I don't think I am so don't fret.  Maybe I just envy the fact that my mother has a sort of peace.

Thoughts? 

[Kwamina]

Hi Harri

But to feel hurt about this?  It seems weird.
…... Defies logic doesn't it?

Well, no, not really actually, makes sense to me. Your mother was the one who did the damage to you, she was responsible for hurting you. Yet now for the healing, you are the one who ends up having to do all the work.

Your mother has already reached the end of the road for her. However, the road towards healing you are on, still goes on. Your mother's life has ended, but with that the damage done to you did not end and was not undone. What remains now, is you dealing with the memory of all the things that went before and trying to heal from them. You could say your mother started something with you by abusing you, yet now has left. However, this something she started is still going on and did not end with her life ending.

Does it perhaps feel like another abandonment by your mother? She abandoned you in life by abusing you and never being a real mother, never altered her behavior or apologized and now has moved on from this life leaving you to deal with the pain and memories all alone. Does this perhaps touch on what you are feeling?

[Learning2Thrive]

I am hurt that my mother is dead.  But not in the way you might think.  I am hurt that after spending my life trying to help her and fix her and giving up so much of me, she is dead and at peace and I am now fighting to heal myself and she is not even around to help or support me.  Defies logic doesn't it?  She is the one who hurt me and abused me.  I would even say she tortured me mentally which was the worst that was done to me. 

Harri, this actually sounds quite logical to me. I have a couple thoughts. You know how when children are angry with their parents they might very emotionally say, “I didn’t ask to be born!”? I think this is normal and a healthy expression of a developing child who is becoming more emotionally mature and beginning to rebel. Healthy parents recognize this and lovingly help their children develop the necessary skills to separate from the nest (over time).

I don’t know about you, but I never really went through this stage because it was far too dangerous. You have been healing and developing emotionally. Maybe you are in the rebellious stage that needs loving guidance and release?

I wonder if there might be a bit of this (rebellious feelings due to emotional growth) accompanied by the abandonment feelings as Kwamina described? 

I could be way off.  But I have to say I have similar feelings even though my mum is still alive. It will never be safe for me to verbalize my emotional rebellion to her. But I desperately want it... .and in the end, her love and approval. I deserve it. You deserve it. But we will never receive it. Other people get this without having to work for it as hard as we have (sacrificing ourselves in the process). Anger and hurt over this is justified.

Just my thoughts.  Again... .I could be way off.

Sending you love, smiles and gentle hugs.

[Learning2Thrive]

Also... .this, from Pete Walker’s website:

1. Angering Diminishes Fear and Shame
Angering is the grieving technique of aggressively complaining about current or past losses and injustices. Survivors need to anger - sometime rage - about the intimidation, humiliation or neglect that was passed off to them as nurturance in their childhoods.

She’s no longer available so naturally this would increase anger and hurt.

I bet your T can help you with this. You are doing awesome, Harri! Thank you for sharing this. It is helping me too!

[Learning2Thrive]

Here is the link to the full article: www.pete-walker.com/pdf/GrievingAndComplexPTSD.pdf

[zachira]

Harri,
I think those of us who were raised by a BPD parent will at times have bouts of hurt and anger. What works for me is to sit quietly with the feelings until they dissipate. I believe that we can never completely accept all the we have lost because our BPD parent made our lives difficult in the past, and still continue to affect our lives after they are gone. As long as you continue to be present with the uncomfortable feelings you will continue to heal, and with time the hurt and anger will lessen, though probably not disappear forever. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[deirdre]

Harri
I don't have anything too profound to add and you have had some really great replies so far. But I just wanted to reach out and say I in my own way right feel a portion of what you are going through. I was at a concert and saw evanescence and when her song "my Immortal" came on I started crying. In a way they were tears of anger, that I had been the one holding my parents hands and wiping away their tears. Instead of them being the ones support me and helping me through the hard emotions of life.
I just wanted to pop in and say I empathize with your healing pains and anger right now.

[Harri]

Hi everyone!  Thanks for the responses.  You all made great points and are wonderfully supportive.  I think there are a few things going on here.

Kwamina, your Parrot vision is, as usual, right on the money with me.  Yes, this is feeling like another abandonment.  How dare she mess me up so bad and then get to have peace?  Or that is what the hurt kid in me is thinking.  'It's not fair' is what I keep hearing in the way back area of my head.  Ah, but Harri, life is not fair.

L2T, yeah.  The adolescent me (I have a couple inner kids with me right now ) with the bad attitude who was too terrified to say anything directly is chiming in too.  I can't use the words here.   

I wasn't linking this to emotional growth.  thanks for that too. 

Other people get this without having to work for it as hard as we have (sacrificing ourselves in the process).

I am happy for them.  I don't want others to know this feeling.  I'm also jealous.

I see you too are a fan of Pete Walker.  He is pretty popular here!  Thank you for that quote.  I have it highlighted but I forget. 

Hi zachira!  It is good to know that I am doing all I really can by just sitting with the feeling, and working towards acceptance.  Yeah, the hurt and anger will never go completely away.  My T told me I can reach a place of peace.  I don't expect it to be a static state either.  thank you 

Deirdre!  Thanks for responding to me.  I like hearing your voice and your support feels good.  Yes, you and I share a similar grief.  I think many of us here do.  We did hold our parents together and we parented them.  So damn sad. 

Don't be a stranger, okay?  I want to hear about your new place and all the boring/exciting/okay stuff that is going on with you so post when you can... .no pressure though.

It dawned on me early this morning that my anger and hurt, while significant, are much milder and less out of control than when I have felt them before.  More emotional maturity now?  Maybe.  Can't tell yet.

[Learning2Thrive]

am happy for them.  I don't want others to know this feeling.  I'm also jealous.

I agree and feel the same way, Harri. Take good care of yourself and those inner kids. Their voice is important. You are important.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Harri, 

I'm finally re-emerging from being unable to function for 4 days so hope I don't make too many mistakes with my typing. 

Sorry for this place you are in right now, but I'm thankful you are working on many things with it:

Sitting
Allowing anger
Waiting (patiently or impatiently it doesn't matter)
Processing
Asking others (your wonderful fellow BPD members) for input

I see you as making so much progress with all the things that list. 

If I think of my little ones and how they'd respond to what you shared, they would each be having their own responses too. I wonder if maybe that's why you are having many different reactions? For example, I think my littlest one would be stomping her foot and saying, "Not fair!" just like you.
Perhaps my 15 year old self would be angry that I worked so darn hard to please my mom and there was never any recognition on her part of how hard I tried to please her before she died. I know it's true for me and I say this to myself sometimes.

How are you doing today with this? Any further progress?

 
Woolsie

[Notwendy]

Harri, I actually think anger is part of the grief process. Death of a parent is difficult, whether or not that parent has BPD. With the death of a BPD or disordered parent, there is also the loss of hope. If there was any hope for the parent to be the parent we wished they were, death changes that.

These feelings are not logical- they are what they are. We don't have to judge them, but acknowledge that you feel what you feel.

Logically though, if your mother, and also my mother, were capable of helping us deal with our own feelings, they would have done it while alive. My mother is still alive thankfully in her elderly years, and she still has the same issues from BPD. I don't know how young you were or where you were in the process of learning about BPD. I have learned over time that my mother is so overwhelmed by her own feelings, she really can not begin to be of help to anyone else. It's not that she wouldn't want to- she can't.

I think we know the feeling of wanting a "mother". When I see other women having a close relationship with their mothers, I don't know what that must feel like. When we don't know, we fill that space with our imagination. We might even idealize. No relationship is perfect- no doubt they have their ups and downs too, but the absence of serious mental dysfunction surely makes theirs different.

There are many different view of the afterlife in various belief systems, but I think many people can agree that we can't possibly know the larger eternal plan from our perspective. It may help to not envy that your mother is at peace while you still struggle with the damage of the relationship. Your mother may be at peace in Eternity, but she wasn't at peace on Earth, with herself, or people closest to her

I'm not excusing her behavior, but you know it came from a place of emotional pain, that nobody could help her with, because of her mental illness. You don't have her mental illness, and you have the potential to have peace with yourself and your loved ones now. It may take some work, there may be challenges, but you can love the people near you, you can hug them, and you can heal yourself, and heal others when you are kind to them. You are even doing that here on this board. You have the gift of life now Harri - and that is a blessing.

[hellebore1]

Mothers are such a complicated relationship.  I know I have that with mine... .she didn't protect me and actually in some ways encouraged my BPD half sibling to abuse me, then went to counseling, and now we have what I'd say is a pretty good relationship.  but somewhere in the back of my brain I'm never going to forgive her.  I don't think it's even possible even though I know the situation was not cut and dried and she would say she was doing the best she could.

I don't have much to add on your situation Harri, other than that as others say your feelings make perfect sense to me.  Hang in there.

[Harri]

Hi.  I took a break from this thread.  I was supposed to go to T on Thursday but cancelled due to illness so I won't see her for a couple of weeks.  My gut tells me she will just shrug her shoulders and say pretty much what you all have said here.  It is normal and it is another part of the grieving process. 

A couple of sessions ago she asked me if I have ever allowed myself to get really angry with my mother.  I must have looked puzzled because she elaborated and asked me if I ever celebrated her death.  Still confused I asked "you mean like those stories I hear where adult children go an pee on their parents grave?" She said "sort of like that".  My answer was no.  Never did that.  I was relieved that she died.  I was grateful she would no longer suffer.  I was relieved I would no longer have to fight off her emotional and sexual behaviors.  I was hugely relieved I would not have to try to explain why my soon to be born nephew could not ever be left alone with her.  I was relieved that the father I did not know and did not like was at last going to have some time on this earth without her.  I was proud of me, my brother and my father because we were able to get through the last few days of her life in the hospital by working as a team with all of us being supportive of each other.   I was hopeful that my brother's marriage would have a better chance without her interference. 

I feel like I got over the raging over the top anger about 25 years ago.  A lot of memories have been coming back.  Easy things.  Not of the abuse but of how things were.  For example, after I found out about BPD and ran with that as a 'close enough for me diagnosis' I never wanted her to know how badly she abused me.  I never wanted her to know how badly she did and how messed up she was.  I wanted to protect her from that truth.  I mean, imagine being so sick (I only last year found out she was most likely paranoid schizophrenic) and actually believing everything you did, saw and believed was real only to find out it was all bad, disordered, abusive, manipulative and that the people you cared about the most (my bro and I) were permanently damaged.  Imagine that.

Well, while I am typing this, I realized that that last part, the revelation that everything you did saw and believed was bad, disordered, abusive and manipulative applies to me.  *That* is what I have been dealing with and running from and then trying again to process for at least the past decade. 

I resent it.  I protected her and covered for her and here I am typing on a support board, going for therapy, damaged beyond repair and the best I can hope for is to get to a place of peace about the events of my life.  It's not fair damn it!

The thing is, I still would not change a thing about my decision to protect my mother from the reality of her life and how she damaged us. 

Thank you everyone for posting to me.  Even though i did not respond directly, I heard and absorbed all of it, the truths, the support and the acceptance of me.  thank you.

[Kwamina]

Hi Harri

Yeah I understand taking a break from your own thread can sometimes be necessary. Good thing you came back though, otherwise I would have sent the parrot patrol to get you back here

I resent it.  I protected her and covered for her and here I am typing on a support board, going for therapy, damaged beyond repair and the best I can hope for is to get to a place of peace about the events of my life.  It's not fair damn it!

It isn't fair, nor pleasant, nor just, but unfortunately this still is how it is and we cannot change it.

Hurt, yes. Damaged, that too, that's sadly true for many of us posting here. Damaged beyond repair? Well I don't know. You've been through a lot and that has definitely deeply affected you. Your experiences have changed you, yet through it all the sweet and kind Harri has always come through in your posts from the very moment you joined our site   Maybe you cannot totally heal all damage that has been done, but you can set positive steps forward in your healing as you've been doing and continue you to keep doing. I would say the best chance we have in the long-run is by focusing on the process of healing and not on the immediate results of our efforts. In time we might be surprised by the healing we've been able to do even when we thought it wouldn't be possible.

The thing is, I still would not change a thing about my decision to protect my mother from the reality of her life and how she damaged us.

She was still your mother and you loved her and I think it's normal to protect, sometimes fiercely, the people we love. Even after all the new things you've learned and new insights, that does not change the fact that she was still your mother. You did the best you could with what you knew to help not only you, but your entire family survive.

Pace yourself, one step at a time, one day at a time and to quote our favorite Panda39: Keep on trucking!

The Board Parrot

[zachira]

Harri,
It is understandable that you took a break from your thread. Those of us who grew up with a BPD mom spend our whole lives grieving our losses, and we can't be in grief/angry mode the whole time; it is just too taxing. I think one of the biggest problems we have with our Board is people post when in crisis, and then just try to ignore the pain/anger/sadness the rest of the time. Indeed we need to strike a balance between grieving our losses, processing the pain before it becomes overwhelming and negatively affects other areas of our lives, and sometimes taking a break from all of it. Having your BPD mom deceased, certainly does not end the distress, because having an abusive childhood will affect us for the rest of our lives, though we certainly can come to a point where we are living happy lives while dealing with the sorrow of how our childhood has affected us from time to time. Take care and post when you feel the need to, and if it feels right to stay off the thread, we support you in doing so.