BPD and assisted living

[Notwendy]

As BPD mother is getting older, it is becoming more apparent that she can not live on her own. Neighbors are becoming concerned and calling me. They don't understand why I don't move dear mother closer to me. They don't have a clue about the whole picture, and it isn't even all about our relationship ( which she does tell them is the reason).

The reason is complicated, but she and my father ( when he was ill ) didn't want health care providers being too close as they eventually would catch on to her issues. This prevented my father from getting the care that he needed and it is also a factor with my mother's needing assistance. My mother prefers to hire people outside any agency, often people who are struggling for money which she has. So they basically do what she wants them to do. If any assistant with professional training tries to work with her ( and doesn't put up with her or begins to catch on to her) they are painted black by her and dismissed. I tried multiple times to help my parents find an assisted living type situation which they refused. Dad even signed himself out of one to come home to my mother, even though he was being cared for there.

There is no way to know when she is telling the truth or not. She sees multiple doctors and is not compliant with them. Even our family doctor thinks she's a sweet old lady. Yes there is prescription drug abuse which is harder with electronic records but she has conditions for which it is prescribed but even beyond that- she isn't compliant with other medicines, like antibiotics.

My question is- she can still mentally present herself as a competent sweet lady, and she has the money to choose a nice place for assisted living. I don't doubt they would take her. But I think they would soon kick her out when she starts her behaviors with the staff. I don't want to be involved in any "rescuing" of her situation. I look like a horrible person to people who know her, leaving my "poor mother" alone like this but there is no way for them to understand that- her situation- being on her own- is entirely of her choosing.

My mother needs supervision, however, she still has money to take care of herself and she isn't legally incompetent. It is tough to have neighbors calling me up and she isn't their responsibility. She might go to assisted living under social pressure, but I think she'd get kicked out or leave the minute they addressed her issues.

What she  needs is a situation where she can get help with her issues out in the open so staff knows what they are dealing with ( not that she'd accept such a situation) . Does anyone know how assisted living deals with pwBPD?  I know they can handle dementia, but she isn't demented. As the social worker who spoke to me about my father said, she's "legally competent to make her own bad decisions" yet, she also needs assistance.

I don't want to take on any financial or medical responsibility for her. On the other hand, I am not NC with her and am not comfortable completely abandoning her. I would like to see in a place where she has more care and supervision, but she has to comply with that. It's complicated because she agrees with her friends that she needs more help, but then sabotages it. Of her children, I am the one who lives closest to her and I am who she lists as next of kin on her medical records, so people naturally call me first and assume this is a normal aging parent situation.

[Turkish]

My mom had to become pretty bad to go intothe home, basically put there by APS.

Even though she had PTSD diagnosed, it seemed that the health care workers defaulted to talking about dementia.  When her behaviors got bad they medicated her with an anti psychotic after being evaluated by a psychiatrist.  I signed permission for them to do so.  I'm not sure how that would have worked if she were able to made medical decisions for herself.  My mom's been on behavioral meds since 1989. She's also taken herself on and off.  She also told me once that she went through seven therapists before she found one she could trust.  Stubborn, paranoid (maybe not clinically back in the day) and coped by hiding. 

In your mom's case, she's fully capable of making her decisions, even bad ones as the SW said about your dad.  I'm sorry the neighbors are calling you.  You know I went through a bit of that and the FOG emitted is powerful and hurtful and frustrating. 

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi Notwendy 

I don’t have any expertise in this area, so no advice to offer. But I do want to say that I admire your care and concern for your mum. This is such a difficult situation and so frustrating when others and her friends have no idea of the complexities. I admire your courage and willingness to face it head on.

I don't want to take on any financial or medical responsibility for her. On the other hand, I am not NC with her and am not comfortable completely abandoning her. I would like to see in a place where she has more care and supervision, but she has to comply with that. It's complicated because she agrees with her friends that she needs more help, but then sabotages it. Of her children, I am the one who lives closest to her and I am who she lists as next of kin on her medical records, so people naturally call me first and assume this is a normal aging parent situation.

    L2T

[OnPinsAndNeedles]

Notwendy -  My dBPD mother lived with my brother until she was in her late 80's.  She was well past the need for an assisted living center, but we couldn't convince her that it would be good for her.  We also tried to get her help many times, but typical of people with BPD she would not take her meds.  When she was 88 years old she had a minor stroke and went to the hospital where an astute doctor picked up on her BPD.  He brought in a psychiatrist who did an evaluation that determined that she was no longer capable of taking care of herself.  The psychiatrist told her that she would be going to a skilled nursing center for rehabilitation from her stroke, and Adult Protective Services (APS) also became involved.  The caretakers at Assisted Living Centers and Skilled Nursing Facilities are used to dealing with people with dementia and other mental disorders.  My mom is now on the proper medications and is so much more even tempered and lucid than she has ever been.  It may be that your mom will also need to have a physician recommend an assisted living center or skilled nursing facility before you will be able to get her the care that she needs. 

[Notwendy]

Thank you all for your replies. Thankfully my mother has a social worker who is involved in her care. The social worker is aware of my mother's issues. While she needs assistance, she is also thankfully in good health and so isn't at the point where a doctor needs to certify her for assisted living. It would be voluntary.

She is very manipulative and has the classic personas " waif", "witch" "queen".  I think she is predominantly queen- wants to be in charge with everyone waiting on her. When she does not get what she wants- she uses "witch" or "waif" to manipulate. "Witch" used to work because her kids were scared of her or- scared of our father if she complained to him about us, but it doesn't work now.

"Waif" is awful to witness because it just pitiful. She's a petite woman, and in her time was very beautiful, and this draws people with rescuer tendencies to her. It's just emotionally tough to see/hear her get into this, but it is all an act. She will call me up in waif mode and then a few minutes later be her normal self.  I think it is hard on her neighbors to see this tiny, pitiful woman all on her own, not knowing - it is by her own decision. She will not voluntarily relinquish control to be in assisted living but neither will she admit that, so she tells people something else.

It is difficult because, in a normal situation, I would not leave my elderly mother living on her own but this isn't a normal situation. It surely looks awful to others, and if I didn't know better, I would think the same. However, she mainly cares that it looks bad to others that she doesn't have a daughter who is more involved and that she can't coerce me into being her doormat like she used to.

[zachira]

I am so sorry you are in this situation with your mom. Know that you are not alone, and we are here to listen and support you. You have explained the problem to us in ways that show you really understand what is going on, and what is most likely to happen. You have good boundaries and are not willing to be guilt tripped into moving closer to your mom. It may be comforting to know that not everyone is taken in by your mom's act; there are many people who do not blame you for taking the steps you have to limit your contact with your mom, and there are people who will help you in any way they can. I know many of the professionals who work with the elderly know exactly what you are dealing with, and will come up with ways to help you. Probably the most important thing is to do what you can without becoming overwhelmed by all of it which easier said than done. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for your kind words Zachira.

BPD seems to affect everything in a family. A child can't walk away from their family, and so they have to endure the behavior of their BPD parent. You'd think as an adult that it would be easy to just walk away and be done with them. I think this is necessary when the parent is a serious danger. I think being closer to my mother is not good for me, physically or emotionally, yet, I didn't want to completely break contact with her either.

The problem is mine- it is hard to not be there for an elderly parent. It isn't who I am. Yet, I tried helping them when my father was ill, and , if I had let them, they would have completely consumed my energy, my resources, my sanity without even considering that I, as a human, would be affected by the level of emotional abuse they dished out. I could understand that my father was not at his best when he was ill, and that my mother is mentally ill, but he was also basically an extension of her at that time. It was horrible.

In a way it was a blessing to see it , as if I could ,I would have moved them both closer to me. I loved my father and didn't want to see him suffer physically or emotionally, but I realized- I can't handle my mother.

She is just too good- a master manipulator. Waif is the worst and if waif doesn't work, she snaps to witch in an instant. That's how I know it is only an act to manipulate me. Yet, how awful is it to ignore an elderly mother? For her, our relationship is " what can Notwendy do for me?"  She uses and manipulates me. For me, that is not a mother-daughter relationship- but we can't have that.

Fortunately she has good assistance and one social worker is "on" to her. For the first time, ever, I spoke to someone in her circle who believes me. I have tried to speak to her family in the past about my concerns, and they dismiss it as "teen age mother daughter issues" ( what she told them )and think it is about time I grew up and took better care of her. It was an unbelievable feeling to know someone else sees her behavior too. But she is still there for her, not me. I am grateful you are all here for me.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Notwendy, 

I always find your posts to be clear and focused, with you having such insight into the situation with your mom. It struck me as so interesting to hear you say

She is very manipulative and has the classic personas " waif", "witch" "queen".  I think she is predominantly queen- wants to be in charge with everyone waiting on her. When she does not get what she wants- she uses "witch" or "waif" to manipulate. "Witch" used to work because her kids were scared of her or- scared of our father if she complained to him about us, but it doesn't work now. 

I think you are one of the few here who has mentioned seeing 3 of the 4 persona of a classic pwBPD. Every time I go back and think of my own uBPDm, I cannot escape the feeling that I dealt with all 4 in her. You are right that it is such classic manipulation. I guess my siblings and I we're lucky in a sense when our mom died after a brain tumor, and we didn't have to deal with the myriad issues of aging. We were certainly afraid of what we knew it would be. I know it sounds so callous to say we were lucky, but this is a safe place to be honest, and I know we all understand.

The problem is mine- it is hard to not be there for an elderly parent. It isn't who I am.   

As I tried to hear what you were saying in all your posts, this is what I sensed in my heart, and that the struggle is more within you. I know it's so hard, and I'm sorry. In a heartbeat you would help, yet you also have fought valiantly to care for yourself and your inner children. You are not who the neighbors perceive you to be. You are a courageous Notwendy who sees the truth and knows that stepping in would be at great personal cost. It is heartwrenching to watch those we care for be so difficult, no impossible, to allow themselves to be cared for.

I'm glad you have this place here to care for and love you. 

 
Wools

[Notwendy]

Thanks Woolspinner. 

It does sound strange for someone to say they were lucky when they didn't have to deal with a BPD aging parent to someone who has not experienced it, but it is safe to say it here. I was despondent when my father died. I wish he could be here longer. Yet, at the same time, I felt an odd sense of relief. Because I was attached to him, and he insisted I comply with my mother, I did comply with her most of the time, and so became her enabler in order to maintain a relationship with him. If she was upset with me, he would be angry at me. I didn't want him to be angry at me, so I also walked on eggshells with her until I couldn't anymore. Once I started having boundaries with her, he did get angry at me- and it affected our relationship. Although I missed him, I also realized that- she can not hurt my feelings anymore as well as she could. The way she did it when in victim mode was to get him to rescue her and be angry at me. Although I missed him when he was gone, I also didn't have the fear of his anger and was relieved. There was no longer a drama triangle between the three of us.

When I read the book "Borderline Mother", I recognized that my mother wasn't just one type. She is predominantly the Queen. The rest of us- kids and my Dad, were her servants, and she treated us as such. It fills some emotional need for her to have people do things for her. When I visit her, she immediately gives me tasks to do, errands to run and she speaks horribly to anyone who is "waiting on her"- calls them names, puts them down, criticizes how they do it.

If she wants something, she starts with Queen " I insist you do this" and now that I don't comply immediately- she shifts to waif in an instant. Then to witch if waif doesn't work. She changes these roles so quickly it is apparent she is acting. She's very social, so she isn't the fourth one- the Hermit.

[zachira]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. So many things you have said resonate with my situation with my BPD mom. I would so much like to be there for my mom and help her in her old age, and I can't because like your mom she is manipulative and abusive. The last two months of 2017 and the first five months of 2018 were hell on wheels with my BPD mom and siblings with BPD traits. What has really helped me is to set better boundaries with them, which includes not letting my emotions get caught up in the drama. I learned that I let them upset me by taking on their negative feelings, and somehow I had to stop taking in all the toxic negativity. I no longer share with them what is going on my life, excuse myself when the phone calls become inappropriate, let my brother be 100 percent in charge of mom's care, and am seeking out the friendships and activities that matter the most to me.
I realize you are in a very different situation than I am in that you are the sibling in charge of mom's care. What you are doing for your mom is so emotionally taxing, and I admire your heart and dedication in caring for your mom. You probably wish your mom would in some way show that she cares for your feelings and needs. I am wondering if there are some ways to limit the affect your mom has on you. Can you perhaps set some new boundaries with your mom's neighbors, asking them to call you less frequently, explain to them you have done everything you can and there is nothing more you can do, or ask them to call you only under certain circumstances? I know all this is terribly painful and upsetting, because I too cannot completely abandon my mom and only want the best for her, despite how badly she has treated me. I used to think that things could not get better, and I now know that I have to be constantly looking for ways to limit the affect mom's behaviors have on me, which is easier said than done.
Keep us posted on how you are doing. We admire your courage, and are glad to help in any way we can.

[Notwendy]

Thanks Zachira- I am glad that you have come to an arrangement with your mother. Sometimes they do better with one sibling than another one.

I think I am ok with boundaries. I think what I deal with is the frequent uncomfortable situation we are in when people make assumptions about our mothers that are consistent with what society attributes to a mother- and which is true in most cases but not ours. It is also in both my mother and my best interest that they see her this way and if she relates to them positively, well it is this way for them. I think there is a kind of grief we face when we see what others assume our mother is like vs what we know she is like. I don't mind them calling me- as I want to know what is going on with her, but if I am to preserve her relationship with them, I have to go along with it. I have mentioned that I would need to discuss this with the social worker. That keeps me from saying "yes" or "no" to their questions about needing to move my mother closer to me. They don't need to know why.

For my mother , she can say she wants to move but she's not going to. She isn't about to relinquish that much control to the staff there. She likes it how she has it, but it is also socially embarrassing to her to not be nearer to her children, like others assume she should be. So she says she is moving, but I don't think she intends to and has not made arrangements to so far. If she goes to assisted living, it would have to be medically ordered.

[zachira]

I really admire how you have come to terms with the situation with your mom. You really understand how others don't get it and the charming facade she puts on for some people, but not for her children and people she does not value. One of the things that has helped me heal is as mom has gotten older, more people see her for who she truly is and are less taken in by the lies she tells about other people, especially her children. You are so smart to do what you can, and to let the rest go. I do hope things will get easier for you, and you never know when that will happen. My brother now has mom's power of attorney and the legal right to manage her medical care. This is such a relief, as there were so many years when mom was making bad decisions, and like your mom there was nothing her children could do about it because she was considered to be competent to manage her own affairs. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that things get better sooner rather than later.

[Notwendy]

Thank you for your support Zachira. I appreciate it!