I need to come clean

[JNChell]

I’ve not been on the detaching board for a while. This is where I started out. I became an ambassador. I was happy about that. Eventually, I wasn’t taking my own advice. It started to feel like the advice that I was giving was a projection of where I needed to go.

To make a long story short, I began contacting my ex again with fervor. I pleaded with her. I begged her to keep the door open for our little family. Instead of detaching, I made myself completely miserable. I did this.

We have a very young child together. This has made things extremely difficult for me. I wanted more for our Son than she and I had growing up. Now S3 is from a broken home, and her daughter from her ex is on her second broken home.

I recently proposed that we pass written communications through our son’s backpack. She agreed. I need to detach. Each of us has a contact to get a hold of the other in case of an emergency.

In closing, I’ve done poorly. I’ve been trying to get my ex back. Our communications are by letter now. It needs to be this low on contact.

I miss her, but I know it’s a trauma bond.

No Contact is essential, you all. I have to be in contact with my ex. She and I share a child. That contact is now at a minimum. If you don’t have connections like, disconnect from them.

[Harley Quinn]

In closing, I’ve done poorly. I’ve been trying to get my ex back. Our communications are by letter now. It needs to be this low on contact.

I miss her, but I know it’s a trauma bond.

JNChell, there is nothing to come clean about.  You're on your own journey, however twisting and turning that is.  We understand how hard it is to detach and especially to let go of that ideal family situation.  I certainly put up with a lot more than I should have before I asked my son's father to leave, for exactly the same reason.  I wanted my son to have a 'proper family' and wanted to try to make it work.  It was hard to give up on that.  As for doing poorly, you'll get to your destination by following whichever path is best for you along the way.  Sometimes we try paths out which don't go the way we'd like and have to backtrack a little to find the right one for us.  That's OK. 

You followed your heart and you tried.  Maybe that's what you needed to do in order to get to the point you're at.  There is no right way or wrong way in this.  Only what you find works for you.  Nobody here will judge you.  These decisions have to be your own.  Thank you for sharing and for having the courage to write about something which sounds like it feels uncomfortable for you.  We're here for you no matter what you decide.  Never forget that. 

Love and light x 

[EdR]

Just like Harley said, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Come on... .you guys have a child. It's absolutely logical that you're trying everything to make it work somehow.

[JNChell]

Thank you, HQ. You are a true blessing to this site. Knowing your story and seeing you have the strength, compassion and empathy to help others through your own pain is inspiring. It’s hope.

You know, in a way, I think I’m beginning to understand how our exes feel inside and it makes me sad. I’ve been diagnosed with C-PTSD, and I’ve learned that there is a lot of overlap and common traits with BPD. When I reflect on how I feel/have felt, I feel so bad for my ex, and others that I have been in relationships with throughout the years. I’m finally confident in saying and accepting that I am not a Borderline, but my C-PTSD symptoms have been very severe on the spectrum. These feelings can become overwhelming and the behaviors can cause a lot of shame and guilt. Sound familiar?

I find a great deal of comfort in recognizing, being able to accept and working through my condition. I’m learning and starting to accept that the reasons for my condition aren’t my fault. I’m learning that my toxic relationships are because of my childhood. This part is angering for me.

Maybe that's what you needed to do in order to get to the point you're at.

I believe that you’re spot on with this. I’m beginning to see this from a POV that we can’t face the intensity of what happened to us as children without that intensity being revisited. That’s what I’ve doing for so long. It was subconscious, and I didn’t see it. Thank you Harley.

[JNChell]

EdR, thank you. I’ve read many of your posts and comments. You are a great contributor to this site. I hope that things are calming down on your end. I know that it was getting pretty intense for a while.

Yes. Losing my family has been devastating, and it’s been a real challenge to try to stay grounded throughout the loss. I wanted more for all involved. Especially for my ex. Her childhood was terrible. I wanted to be her resting place away from all that she experienced. The kids would’ve benefited greatly from the residual affects of that. I feel like I failed her. She has issues that I wasn’t equipped to handle. I didn’t know about the tools that are available here. Maybe if I had, things would be ok and manageable and we could be happy together. Instead I did everything wrong and drove her away while she drove me insane. It was a crazy ride. Somehow, I survived it. Thank you for being supportive.

[Mustbeabetterway]

JNChell,

I don’t think anyone here is going to judge you for trying to keep your family together.  I wish everyday that my husband and I could work out a peaceful arrangement.

No contact doesn’t work for everyone.  You have been working on yourself and that is the important part of healing.  Man, just love and accept yourself.    As this quote from Oscar Wilde goes, “Be yourself, everyone else is taken”.

Keep your chin up, JNChell!

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway  

[JNChell]

Thank you, Must.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  I am glad you came back here for support.  As has been said, no one here will judge you.  I've been wondering how you are but I did not want to push.  Dealing with the end of a relationship, being a single parent and also working on your FOO issues on top of all the usual life stuff is enough to deal with. 

We have a very young child together. This has made things extremely difficult for me. I wanted more for our Son than she and I had growing up. Now S3 is from a broken home, and her daughter from her ex is on her second broken home.

  You are already giving your son way more than you had as a child and as you continue to work on yourself and deal with the c-PTSD he will have even more.  I don't mean to invalidate you but (!) you are being way too hard on yourself.  Being from a broken home is better than living in one (I totally stole that from someone here!)

In case you are not familiar with him I am giving you a link that has been very helpful for those of us on the PSI board:  www.pete-walker.com.  Read his article on the Inner Critic. 

JNChell, sometimes in order to go forward you have to go back.  It's okay. 

[enlighten me]

Hi JNChell

I'm in a similar situation as I have a young son with my ex. Far from finding myself wanting to get back with her I find that interacting with her makes me not want to be with her more. Even when shes being nice and has me painted white I cant help but put a slant on all our interactions. She cheated on me several times, used me and abused me and so whenever I interact with her I cant help but see her for who she is.

Adversely when I'm not interacting is the time when I have to remind myself of who she really is rather than the figment of both mine and her imagination that I fell for.

[JNChell]

Hello, Harri. Thanks for dropping by to offer your support. I appreciate it.

I don't mean to invalidate you but (!) you are being way too hard on yourself.  Being from a broken home is better than living in one (I totally stole that from someone here!)

No worries. I don’t feel invalidated. I put myself out here for sound advice from fellow peers. I appreciate your feedback and take it seriously. I believe that you’re correct with this. From the PSI perspective, I was conditioned into this frame of mind. I realize and accept it, but the changeover is difficult. Old habits, I suppose. Having this been ingrained at such an early age, it almost makes sense that it becomes instinctual at some point. I’m working hard on being mindful of this, and my T is helping me to learn that things can be real, but it doesn’t make them true.

I believe that Forever Dad on the legal board has used that phrase. It makes complete sense, doesn’t it?

I have been to Pete Walker’s site. From what I’ve read, he seems to be a real authority on C-PTSD. I will study him more thoroughly. Thank you for the recommendation. Thanks for stopping by, Harri.

[JNChell]

Hi, enlighten me. I have to start my reply by saying that I love your avatar. My Son is a huge Minion fan at this point. I’m starting to believe that he has some Minion blood in him.

Adversely when I'm not interacting is the time when I have to remind myself of who she really is rather than the figment of both mine and her imagination that I fell for.

This is the precise reason as to why I proposed this form of communication with her. I believe that I need to be able to really reflect on the relationship. Who she was in it, and more importantly who I was in it. A huge negative aspect of my diagnosis is my reaction to her. It’s always immediate. With the communication basically being snail mail, it takes that out of the equation. I may become triggered by her correspondence, but I can sit with it and make a proper decision on how I’ll respond, if at all. I’m hoping that this angle will allow me to slow things down so I can learn better and healthier ways to respond. Also, I feel that it’s crucial that I do this to finally detach from this trauma bond. Thank you for reaching out. I appreciate it.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi JNChell,

I've always had the same difficulty in dealing with my S4's father.  He is able to create an instant physical response in me and I've become much more aware of that whilst working with my counsellor.  Her advice has been really valuable, along with the workshops here on BIFF.  You will get there.  How long have you been communicating in this new way and how are you finding it?  It's a very sensible decision to step back as much as you can for your own healing.   

Love and light x

[JNChell]

Hi, Harley. It’s been two weeks. Quite honestly, it’s working. My anxiety has dropped off the table. It’s like this... .When I would send or receive a message, I knew that she was right there on the other end. It’s not like that now. It’s not intense. It’s simply written communication. I feel much better.

I tried BIFF when we were still communicating through messaging. I’d do it for a while, then I’d fall. BIFF is easy on paper. It will eventually become easy in person.

Letting go has become much easier in the last couple of weeks. I’ve become physically tired. I’m not on edge anymore. It’s really something else how all of this particular stuff works out. Thanks again, HQ.

[Harley Quinn]

It's great to hear that it's working for you and having a marked effect.    Yes, BIFF is more challenging in person, that's for sure.  Like anything it's a learned skill and takes practise.  I remember my counsellor's voice in my head when I'm faced with S4's father and it helps me a lot.  She has become my Yoda.

I can remember feeling physically tired and sleeping a whole lot too.  It's like our body's way of showing us that it's ready to stop being on red alert and get a really good rest.  A good sign in my view.  Listen to what it is saying and rest all you can.  You're in need of some tlc right now for your body mind and spirit, so give it to yourself.

Love and light x