Ex is sorry and wants another chance--but I'm just done.

[WindofChange]

Ex is in therapy now and said he's learning so much about BPD and how to control his reactions to things and learning how his behavior affected me. He's very remorseful and has said all the things I so wanted to hear from him a year ago, even six months ago. He said he's trying very hard in therapy, but said he doesn't want to go through it alone. Two weeks ago he said all these things to me, and it caused this huge welling of emotions. I met with him and we had a deeply emotional and tender reunion (ending in bed, of course). It was really wonderful, in the moment.
A week later, we met at a park for a bit, and as he was leaving, he kept hinting he was hungry, hadn't had dinner. I offered him a little money since he is still unemployed, which he accepted. A few days later, we meet again to work out--and he asks me for gas money. I gave it to him, but felt resentful. If he weren't in such desperate financial straits, I wouldn't have given it to him, but I know he's completely broke. 
I thought initially maybe I could just set a boundary where he does not ask me for any money and I don't offer any--but in thinking more about it, I know I want more than this from a relationship. I don't want to be the caretaker anymore. I want a normal relationship where there is give and take, between two adults. I'm very glad he's in therapy, and I hope he continues and can get better, find a job, and get on his feet. But I don't want to deal with all of it anymore. I just don't. Of course, I feel guilty about this. I feel that I led him on by meeting with him and making love with him. But when he first said all of those things to me, it was something I had waited so long to hear, I was overwhelmed emotionally. Then reality set in. It has a way of doing that, doesn't it?
I guess this is a sort of confession as to handling this situation in a not so great way. I need to tell him that while I'm very glad he's in therapy and working to get better, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. There are many obstacles, anyway. My college-age sons and family don't like him, my friends don't like him. The most important being my children--if they don't like him, why would I choose to go back to him?
Since this is a site where we can share our stories and our less-than-wonderful true selves, I'll also go on to say that I had been casually seeing another man, who seems really great. Seems very together, stable, steadily employed, okay with who he is, a very positive person. I really like him and we had been having fun together. When all of this with the ex cropped up, I had to tell him I needed to take a step back because of my conflicted feelings. He was nice about it (after all, it had only been a few dates), but now I feel bummed because I've probably messed that up. He did say to look him up if things didn't work out to see where he was at and we could maybe give it another go.
I shared some of this with a friend, and she just rolled her eyes and seemed frustrated with me. I'm sure she's tired of hearing about it. Anyone want to offer any advice or thoughts on this? I guess I just needed to pour it out to someone, which is why I'm glad this site exists.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Winds,

It's taken courage, I can tell, to post about this.  Let yourself off the hook.  You don't need to feel bad about anything at all.  You won't be judged here.  We've all slipped along the way whether in or out of the r/s and you had a moment of renewed hope so who can blame you?  I think many of us would be taken in momentarily.  I know I could have handled things better after I left my ex, but hey, nobody's perfect.  Maybe this experience is the final straw you needed to set you on your path.    

I believe everything happens for a reason.  Just as it may be that your having conflicting feelings could be an indicator for you that you're not yet ready to get too involved with someone else, no matter how nice he is.  It might be healthy to take a little time out before making any decisions there.  If there really was something worth pursuing then it will keep.  Sometimes we meet great people and the timing just isn't right.

It does sound wise to stop any further thoughts from your ex about you getting back together and I'm glad you are conscious of your boundaries.  I was still helping my ex under duress during our LC period.  Whilst it's great that he is engaging in therapy, there is a very long way to go before he will experience any significant change and some sufferers don't make it through the process, dropping out instead.  You can't count on that not being the case and put your life on hold.  How do you plan to tell your ex about your decision?  How will you protect yourself emotionally following this?  

Love and light x    

[juju2]

Hi W.

have read a lot of your story.
Be kind to yourself.

After reading your early posts, you gave a lot to be in this r/s.  Your story reminds me a little of what i experienced.
You are in a better place now.  It looks like by you getting healthier, so is he.  Your feelings can change over time.  When i asked my s.o. for space, march last year, i was so burned out.  I had even gotten rid of pictures of him :0(
  I didnt know then, my attitude would drastically change toward him.  The time apart really made me see the progress he has made, w his serious mental illness.  What i got to see was, lets say he had diabetes, and he was always making it worse by eating candy and drinking...
... .then, after i am fed up w his choices, he shows up in life, not eating sugar, not drinking, working out, etc.  dam healthy, not on insulin, now only pills, and if that keeps going, he can get off diabetes pills.!  He has become a changed person.

Put what you are experiencing in context.  He is doing and trying and working on... .he is getting better!

Meanwhile, i still have my attitudes from before.
I am not mentally in a place to appreciate these transformations.  I dont make any decisions in this state of mind.

All i have to do is look at my own life, how i have changed, at be grateful for the hard changes i made.  It is work!...   when i am close to someone, its even harder to believe the changes i see in someone else.!

hope you are following what i am saying.  You gave so much to be w this man.   Even if only one cell in your body believes in you guys. 

i was so fed up last year and am living proof its best not to make a decision in my state of mind.

If you want to work on yourself  that is where the changes came from.  Continue to come from.

Love can be renewed.

Think of it as a mountain in a fire.  All the green is charred, lifeless.


  In spring you will see lush green, life coming back... .

[pearlsw]

I guess this is a sort of confession as to handling this situation in a not so great way. I need to tell him that while I'm very glad he's in therapy and working to get better, I don't want to be in a relationship with him. There are many obstacles, anyway. My college-age sons and family don't like him, my friends don't like him. The most important being my children--if they don't like him, why would I choose to go back to him?
Since this is a site where we can share our stories and our less-than-wonderful true selves, I'll also go on to say that I had been casually seeing another man, who seems really great.

Hi WindsofChange,

Sometimes as we try to move forward in life we take a step back. This is a small step, and I'd suggest, given the feelings you describe to keep moving forward confident in the knowledge you have gained.

In the moment it felt right, but you are entitled to your change of heart. You slept with him once, you didn't offer to start up with him again. In a way, you sleeping with him, this last time, probably helped you to see even more clearly what you don't want - to go back to this. Well, not the sex exactly caused this reaction, just the whole thing, but you get what I mean.

It doesn't sound to me like you've tanked things with the new man, and he did say to give him a call later and see where his life is at. He may have expected that you were more uncertain than it turns out you actually were? (Not sure what you told him.) When it feels like the time is right get in touch with him and have your fun!

wishing you the best, pearl.

p.s. It seems the question now is really will you and your ex be friends or not, and if so how close? What do you think?

[mama-wolf]

Hi WindsofChange,

I wanted to chime in with the others and encourage you to give yourself a pass on this.  With all that we go through in our relationships, there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling hope once you get a glimpse of what you have wanted so badly (the apology, etc).  What's most important is that you are aware of the dynamics that are happening between you, and that you remember what you want... .and don't want.

I don't want to be the caretaker anymore. I want a normal relationship where there is give and take, between two adults. I'm very glad he's in therapy, and I hope he continues and can get better, find a job, and get on his feet. But I don't want to deal with all of it anymore. I just don't.

This sums up my feelings about my marriage, so I can completely relate.  I don't think I'll ever have the same kind of moment like had you with your ex (the expression of remorse, acknowledgement of the impact on me), but I'm glad you did!  I don't think you led him on, either.  You are trying to work through and process your own sometimes overwhelming emotions through all of this.  You care about him, and there is a history that can be hard to ignore.  Awareness of healthy boundaries and a willingness to step back and think about the situation will help you navigate what to do next.

I shared some of this with a friend, and she just rolled her eyes and seemed frustrated with me. I'm sure she's tired of hearing about it. Anyone want to offer any advice or thoughts on this? I guess I just needed to pour it out to someone, which is why I'm glad this site exists.

I'm really sorry your friend was not more supportive.  I know it can be difficult for others in our lives to be able to relate to what we're going through, but eye-rolling and expressing frustration shows an unfortunate lack of compassion.  I'm glad you came here to share with us as well.

It sounds like you know you want to tell your ex that there will be no relationship anymore, but maybe aren't sure quite how to do it.  He may split on you, may get angry and tell you exactly what you are worried about (that you think you led him on).  Just remember that you are not responsible for his feelings or reactions.  You need to do what is right and healthy for you, and it is up to him to at least respect that.  He will need to work through his feelings with his therapist.

With regards to the guy you were seeing casually, that's OK too.  If there was something there worth having, then I don't think you messed anything up with him.  But definitely take a close look at what boundaries you want to set there as well.  It's normal for us to want to be seen, liked, held... .just be careful that you're not looking for that from a potential romantic partner just to fill a void left by the loss of relationship with your ex.

Take care of yourself... .
mw

[WindofChange]

Thanks so much for your responses, everyone. I really appreciate it. I'm still struggling some. He is so remorseful, and we have had some conversations where he didn't blow up despite discussing things that in the past would have made him react angrily. He said he's working with his therapist on how he reacts to things--that is their first focus. But it takes time to change a lifetime of living this way.
And he's really struggling financially. He hasn't asked for any more money, as I told him how I felt about that and how it bothered me. He did get some unemployment money, finally, enough to pay his rent and a couple of bills. When I look at the future, do I really want to spend my life being the primary 'breadwinner?' I can't, my income isn't that high.
I do appreciate all of your input very much. I do worry about hurting him (he would say 'again,' as I am the one who had to put an end to things before). I worry about his reaction some, but as you said, Mama-wolf, I'm not responsible for that.  I told the other man I'd been seeing what the situation was, and he was nice about it, but said he's still very interested and hopes in time things work out with us. Of course, part of how I feel is that I don't want to be involved with any men at all right now, .
I guess I just have to keep working on figuring it all out.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi WindofChange,

Just checking in to see how things are going now.  Any new developments? 

I hope you are doing well.  Looking forward to your update.

Mustbeabetterway

[WindofChange]

Hi Mustbe (and Everyone),

It's been a busy few weeks. I've been seeing and talking to my ex--something I didn't think would happen not that long ago. He is very remorseful--says it tears him up to know how he treated me and how it hurt me. He sees his counselor every week, and has had a couple of job interviews, so hopefully one of those will pan out. He seems stable, for now. I have only seen him once a week or so, and have told him I'm not ready to spend the night with him again, and that this is all I can do. He seems very happy to spend time with me, and says he wants very much to work things out. I may have to visit another board for a while, as I'm considering this.
If we do continue to see each other, it will have to be very slow. There's no way I'd consider living with him again any time soon. I do still love him, of course. I love him for all of the good qualities, and of course the physical attraction is still there. I'm holding myself back some emotionally, and this is a wait and see kind of thing. I'm still seeing my own therapist and working on my own issues. I'm still exercising, considering a different career path, focusing on my family and my faith, and spending time in prayer. I still see obstacles--but his being in therapy and saying he is not being resistant to treatment now that he's formally diagnosed with BPD--these things give me hope. Hope is a hard thing to give up.

[once removed]

I may have to visit another board for a while, as I'm considering this.

i think that at this point, posting on the Bettering board would be invaluable for navigating these waters. you dont have to (and shouldnt necessarily) make hard decisions or commitments. neither should you approach this alone, and empty handed.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi WindofChange,

All of this sounds like positive change.  Therapy seems to be having a positive impact on him from your account.  That is good news, indeed.

Also, taking it slow seems to be a sound approach.  I agree, the Bettering Board is probably a good place to post.  You will hear from others who are or have been through similar times.

I’m happy for you and will be looking forward to your updates.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[WindofChange]

Thanks, Mustbe!  I appreciate that! I am hopeful but cautious. Once removed, I agree, and have taken a look at the Bettering board, as well as the first of the lessons. We will see how it goes!