my ex husband is BPD

[tulippopia]

Hi I am single mom, 41 yo. I had divorce form my ex for 3.5 years. I married him for 10 years. We had 2 sons, 13 yo and 9 yo. I did art therapy and counseling for myself and my kids 3 years ago up until now. My ex husband also went to therapy, but only for the parent role, not for himself.

Until now, my kids still go to their dad's house every weekend, and every time I pick them up there always a bad story about me, or my family. I feel very frustrated, and also my kids, they feel confused, and sometimes my son can tell that his dad keep telling him the same story all over again.
Well, actually I'm new and confuse right now, don't know what to hope about this situation.
My ex husband's dad is a narcissistic personality.
I was confuse for many years about my ex husband, what and why he tells me love if the love taste so bitter. Until finally I put all my guts to read "stop walking on eggshells", and I know that he has BPD but i just deny it.
I was shocked, and really sad.I need to have hopes. I am so tired of his bully, his accusations, and all the blames he gave to my sons.
I feel like I'm walking on a baby steps... .very slow, sometime feels stuck.

[david]

I have been divorced from my BPD since 2010. Our boys are 19 and 15 now. Recently, ex told them a story that I am a major pot grower and distributor. We live in a state where it is not legal. I don't do drugs. When she told them the story they both laughed at her. She was not happy about that. They said they couldn't contain themselves because it was too crazy.
When they were younger her allegations were not as bizarre but they did figure out she was not being honest. They talked to me about it a lot. I listened and validated their thoughts and feelings. Our oldest started figuring out his mom around 10 years old. Our youngest took a little longer.

[Mutt]

Hi tulippopia,



I’d like to join dave and welcome you to the family. I’m glad that you have found us. I can understand that discovering BPD can be pretty depressing. There is hope.

What’s the visitation schedule like?

[ForeverDad]

It is unusual for one parent to have every weekend.  Courts are comfortable with having the kids alternate weekends between parents.  That is standard.  That way each parent gets a weekend with the kids and then a weekend off for other activities.

Is there a reason their father gets every weekend?

Don't feel too bad, most of us here are also 'Nice Guys' and 'Nice Gals' who want to be fair but also are a bit timid about standing up for ourselves.  Being nice is a wonderful quality, except when we have to deal with someone who doesn't try to be nice or is even verbally abusive.  We have lots of collective wisdom learned from years of hard-won experience.  Learn from us, we definitely can help you and your decisions to become more informed and more confident.

[livednlearned]

every time I pick them up there always a bad story about me, or my family.

Hi tulippopia,

Welcome and hello  

What you're describing sounds like parental alienation. There are specific communication and relationship skills that can help offset some of the damage.

Parental alienation happens during the marriage, but tends to become much worse after divorce. It is very confusing and deeply pathological, and the skills to counter it are not intuitive and must be learned.

How do you respond when your kids tell you what their dad said?

[Panda39]

Hi Tulippopia,

 

I'm hearing Parental Alienation here as well.  My significant other (SO) experienced this with his undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and I wanted to pop in a suggest a book that you might want to check out on the topic... .

Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A Warshak

Hang in there, 
Panda39