Will this last forever?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I found out my mom has BPD in November. While I always knew she was different from other parents, I was really surprised when I found out it was this disorder. My parents are divorced as of a few years ago and my dad has always made our health a priority. He has offered for my siblings and I to go to therapy, talk to family friends who also know people with BPD, books, and this website. While I know I have plenty of resources, the people I would like to talk to most about this are my friends. I have kept my family drama a secret from others most of my life because none of my friends really go through what I go through and I don't think they would understand. Last year I was at a very low point in my life and not feeling like I could talk to my best friend ended in me losing that friendship altogether. I have issues opening up to people but lately all I've wanted to do was tell my friends everything. I don't know if this is a good idea because I know they won't understand and their solution will be that I am leaving for college soon. This got me wondering that if moving out/distancing from my mom will be better for me? Will her condition worsen as we get older or will it get better? Will her condition affect me the way it does now forever?

[adelamountain]

I found out my mom has BPD in November. While I always knew she was different from other parents, I was really surprised when I found out it was this disorder. My parents are divorced as of a few years ago and my dad has always made our health a priority. He has offered for my siblings and I to go to therapy, talk to family friends who also know people with BPD, books, and this website. While I know I have plenty of resources, the people I would like to talk to most about this are my friends. I have kept my family drama a secret from others most of my life because none of my friends really go through what I go through and I don't think they would understand. Last year I was at a very low point in my life and not feeling like I could talk to my best friend ended in me losing that friendship altogether. I have issues opening up to people but lately all I've wanted to do was tell my friends everything. I don't know if this is a good idea because I know they won't understand and their solution will be that I am leaving for college soon. This got me wondering that if moving out/distancing from my mom will be better for me? Will her condition worsen as we get older or will it get better? Will her condition affect me the way it does now forever?

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  I am glad you found us and that you have such a supportive and knowledgeable father.  That is wonderful.  Still the pain of having a disordered mother is quite heavy and can be difficult to navigate.  It is natural to want to share with your friends.  Sometimes though, like you said, they can't understand because things are so different from what they know.  Many of us here struggle with that same thing especially when the realization of BPD is so new.  Most find that it is better to talk here and with just a select few who do get it in real life. We can all understand, support and validate your experiences.  We also help each other strategize too.  having people you can be open with, even if it is online is a great feeling.

What sorts of behaviors does your mother exhibit?  You said your father offered to have you go to therapy.  :)id you take him up on that?  

It is hard to say if your mom's condition will get better or worse.  Is she in therapy?  Is she aware of what her issues are?  

Again, things can get better for you.  Sometimes moving out and getting some distance like when you go to college is a benefit to you.  Having some distance makes it easier to emotionally detach and work on any issues you may have with poor coping skills for example.

let's see what others have to say too.  I am glad you posted and I hope you settle in and read posts and articles.  We do understand and can help you.

[adelamountain]

It is hard to say if your mom's condition will get better or worse.  Is she in therapy?  Is she aware of what her issues are? 

She is not in therapy. She is prescribed for depression medication but I am not clear on whether she is aware of her condition or not. My dad did not find out from her but doing his own research on the topic. She does not know that he has disclosed it to us.

[Turkish]

I'm sorry about your friends adelamountain,  especially about the one.   

My friends always understood,  but then we were a group who grew up in dysfunctional families. It would be harder if the peer group didn't have a similar perspective. I was certainly invalidated by others though many years after I moved away and my mom got worse. I know is not the same,  but you are among friends here 

I also first found out there was a mental health issue when my mom went into therapy for depression and was prescribed Prozac. Was 17, just graduated from high school and the meds made her worse initially until she found the right one to help her function better.  I moved out on my 18th birthday. Within a few years,  our relationship was better with distance and a weekly or bi-weekly phone call.  She learned to function without me.  I still visited every 3 or 4 weeks.

Moving out is normal in the progression of life.  It doesn't mean you have to cut off contact.  Moving out will also help give you a different perspective.  Your mom has your dad which is good.

[Panda39]

Hi adelamountain,

 

I'm so glad you've found this site!  You have just stepped into a world where everyone "gets it".  I'm here because my boyfriend has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) so I come at this from a different angle.   I'm often on this board because my boyfriend has 2 daughters, and coming here helps me understand what they might be feeling.

I agree it can be hard for someone who has never experienced BPD to understand it.  My boyfriend was very honest with me when we first met (we didn't know about BPD until later) and told me about his wife's behaviors... .I was like okay whatever... .and went my merry way.

It wasn't until later that I was able to observe their interactions and I started asking why? I was asking why all the time! Why is she not getting their daughter with a toothache to the dentist? Why is she telling her daughters she's buying a half million dollar house at the same time she's being evicted?  Why would she buy costume jewelry for her daughter but not school cloths? Why... .why... .why... .

After enough of these kinds of things happened I finally caught on that something wasn't right.  One day I just Googled "Chronic Lying" and there was BPD and the shoe fit.  Once we finally had a name for "it" my boyfriend and I began to educate ourselves... .lots of reading.  Eventually I found my way here.

It can be tough for others to see BPD because the behaviors are shown most to the person with BPD's closest family members.  They can for short periods or with casual acquaintances keep the behaviors under wraps or others aren't as involved so don't see the patterns of behavior.

Have your friends ever seen some of your moms more difficult behaviors?  Do you have one friend that you are particularly close to that you trust?  That might be the person to have a conversation with. Maybe start with one person and see how it goes. I understand your desire to talk to your peers and be open to them with your issues with your mom.  But if they don't get it, that doesn't mean that they don't care about you or support you it just means this is outside their experience.  It could be they don't get it now but maybe start to see things later too. 

I would also encourage you to take your dad up on his offer for Therapy.  This is another opportunity to talk about this with someone who does get it, can support you, and help you with tools to better cope with your mom.  And of course you have the member here too! 

Going to College is exactly what you should be doing that is your job!  You are taking another step towards adulthood and independence it's all part of growing up.

Before I go I wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information just click on something that resonates, you might want to start in the "Lessons" section when you have time.

Take Care,
Panda39