Detachment gives space to really see things

[Lollypop]

 

You may know that my younger son17 has been experiencing a few problems - his experiences having a dysregulated older brother (and, of course, me as the crazy one for a while) has affected him and, so far, the choices he makes. Son17 goes through a couple of periods a year where he gets down and then questions whether he has BPD and anxiety grows. He’s unconfident and has lonely periods, feeling like he doesn’t fit in.

I’ve been really focussed on better emotionally supporting son17 and he agreed to an adventure summer camp; he left yesterday nervous but excited.  I’m thinking of him as he hasn’t sent me the promised text to let me know how he’s getting on. My mind escalates with worry but I squish it down.

Yesterday morning, an hour before we leave I start receiving texts from son27.  He’s “really not well”... .  seriously?  It’s so predictable!

Son27’s problem is that he’s eating way too few calories for his physical job. He complains of no energy, being tired all the time, he hasn’t slept “for months”, bad energy on his left side, it’s the moon, he gets delirious at night, his brain is physically changing ... .the list goes on and on.

I offered to make him a meal seeing as he was feeling so unwell.  He arrived glum, weak and, dare I say a bit pathetic.  His visit took 10 minutes from start to finish.  I’ve never seen a sirloin steak eaten in four mouthfuls before. He left upbeat and happy, off to finish watching a film.  I promise myself, that next time, I’m won’t step in to ease his suffering. Yeah right!

I think I’m getting detached because I can see clearly the dynamics playing here.

I’m pondering how to get them both to detach from me on a more permanent basis!  Lordy give me strength. I feel utterly selfish - aren’t I supposed to want them forever in my life? Actually no, not if they’re both so demanding. They will keep on demanding if I keep on dropping everything for them.

I’ve three whole weeks ahead without son17.  To top that, H goes away for a week boating. Oh joy!  A house to myself for the first time in my life. Bets are on... .how much time before somebody calls with a problem and I’ll say “gosh, that’s sounds awful, poor you - so sorry but there’s somebody at the door”.  I’m not sure I can do that but here goes!


LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Lollypop

How timely to see this post from you because I had been considering sending you a private message asking about Son #2.  You shared with us about him a while back and then stopped.

I relate to some of what you write as being the Mom to "the other child."

I only have 2 children.  (Many-a-time my husband and I will ask each other... ."Should we have had more... .should we have had none?   Hmmmm?"  There is my daughter (whose uBPD behaviours brought me here) and then I have a son.  Recently I posted about some of the history we have shared with him... .in recent years walking with him through a recovery of opioid addiction. 

Shortly after he was born, a string of surgeries were started to correct abnormalities.  Thank God none were life-threatening problems but fixing was needed.  Still, my mother's heart took a beating as I watched my baby experiencing the pain that came from the many surgeries and then recoveries he endured.  That all took place way back in the 60's when even parents were made to adhere to visiting hours and I would be forced to leave my crying baby who was tied to the hospital crib... .calling out for me.  Then there has been his life-long struggle with learning disabilities and being bullied by his younger sister.  All this has left me with being putty in his hands over the years.

Compared to his sister, I used to consider him as being my "easier" child but in reality he has put me through the wringer, too, just in a different way.   I'm sure one  diagnosis he would receive would be that of being "passive aggressive."  While his sister would act out visibly, he would be calm and always be... ."getting around to it (whatever "it" was at the time)".  Recently, his "getting around to it" attitude has caused him to lose all his teeth.  He has dentures but just can't seem to get them to fit properly... .affecting what he tries to eat... .hence his lousy diet... .hence his health problems.

So... .our nightmare ride with him through his opioid addiction... .an addiction that came to be after a surgery and pain killers that were needed afterwards.  How can I not be thankful that we caught him in time (just!)... .that he agreed to go into rehab... .that he continues in it to this day and he has never relapsed?    Oh I am SO thankful!  With that said, my heart breaks when I see him because he is not healthy... .not bothering to follow through with testing prescribed by his GP.  He is "getting around to it."

In hindsight I realize that I have been an enabler for him... .his Mom... .trying to make up for all the problems he has faced in life.  (I do feel shame when I write about these as being "problems" because I know there are parents out there who would gladly take on these "problems" compared to what they have had to face with their children.  Forgive me... .but... .)

I, too, would like to detach.  As I have shared before, my husband and I are in our mid/late 70's and our ages are putting more and more demands on us... .in relation to... .us.  Scares me to think that we might become caregivers to this passive-aggressive-56-year-old-son who I love so much.

You write... .."I feel utterly selfish - aren't I supposed to want them forever in my life?" WRONG!

Then you write... .."Actually, no, not if they're both so demanding.  They will keep on demanding if I keep on dropping everything for them." RIGHT!

You are a heck-of-a-lot younger than I am, Lollypop, and your children are much younger than mine.  You keep working on that "detachment" attitude.  That is not to say you abandon them, cut them loose.  You just start working on becoming slower and slower when coming to their aid.

Remember when they were toddlers... .learning to walk... .falling... .picking themselves up and trying again?  Well, I did that right with my kids.  They can walk unaided.  (Oh... .fittin' in some humour along the way has sure kept me afloat.)

Huat    ; )

[Lollypop]

Hi Huat

I do feel shame when I write about these as being "problems" because I know there are parents out there who would gladly take on these "problems" compared to what they have had to face with their children.  Forgive me... .but... .)

There’s no shame. I think it’s a bit like grief.  There are parents out there having to deal with the loss of a young child and their grief is immense. How can That be compared to the grief felt by somebody who just can’t cope when their elderly parent expectedly dies. Just because the circumstances are different - the loss is felt, both feel the grief, it’s real and it’s painful;  It can’t be measured, it’s not a competition.  

All our circumstances are different, you’ve had such huge challenges, life’s not fair and you continue to thrive and grow. I find you incredibly inspirational and I learn so much from you.  

None of us deserve this, yet we find a way to live, be thankful and yes happy. Goodness me, I had no sense of humour for so many years  , I was completely miserable. You taught me that happiness is a choice.

With that said, my heart breaks when I see him because he is not healthy... .not bothering to follow through with testing prescribed by his GP.

So so true. Why on earth don’t they listen when they know deep inside that we’re right!  Nobody ever listened to their parent! I know I didn’t  

I’m sorry to hear about your son’s problems with his teeth and particularly his gums (assuming that’s the problem with dentures).  The knock on affect of this must be inhibiting for him, and of course the confidence issues too.  Is there nothing else that can be done?  An extremely expensive task I know. I can see this would affect what he can eat, his weight and overall health.

I’m pleased he succeeded in kicking the opioids - sadly, we have a young family member in the states who isn’t so lucky. Like your son, it followed surgery.

Accepting we can’t change things.  :)etaching so we don’t hurt as much. We walk together.

Hugs

LP

Ps.  Son17 is happy. Huzzah. Son27 is quiet. Double huzzah.



.  

[wendydarling]

Blimey LP, you have a week on your own, your first ever. Breath in, out, phew.

What are you up to?

WDx

[Lollypop]

WD

My mind sways between doing absolutely zilch to a boot camp style filled week!

Healthy eating - dissertation research - making art - girly films

The fun bit is that I can do what I want when I want. Bliss.

I’ve got to stay close to home just in case there’s a problem with the business. 

I’m a bit beside myself with excitement - can you tell?  Ha!

LP

[wendydarling]

LP

Yes I can tell you are beside yourself with excitement, what a wonderful staycation, the choice is all YOURS, you hit it girl 

Huat, I'm glad you are sharing with us more about your son and his personal struggles and how you feel, it's not easy being a sibling to your DD in the mix. I whole heartedly agree with every word LP writes here. 

There’s no shame. I think it’s a bit like grief.  There are parents out there having to deal with the loss of a young child and their grief is immense. How can That be compared to the grief felt by somebody who just can’t cope when their elderly parent expectedly dies. Just because the circumstances are different - the loss is felt, both feel the grief, it’s real and it’s painful;  It can’t be measured, it’s not a competition. 

All our circumstances are different, you’ve had such huge challenges, life’s not fair and you continue to thrive and grow. I find you incredibly inspirational and I learn so much from you. 

None of us deserve this, yet we find a way to live, be thankful and yes happy. Goodness me, I had no sense of humour for so many years  , I was completely miserable. You taught me that happiness is a choice.

Huat, I too am glad you are here with us, shaking the BPD tree. 

WDx