First post: hope I'm doing this right? Best friend has BPD.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My best friend got diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt. I'd flown out to their country from mine a few weeks prior to the attempt to try and get them some help/support while they were in crisis. I'm paying for online therapy for them. They read my messages to my spouse saying I missed him and then downed a bunch of sleeping pills. Stuff has been... .Rocky. Since then. I could go into more details but I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right spot, since theyre not family (though they might as well be for how close we are), and they're not a significant other. So. This is my introduction post.

Hi. Hah.  I have a J.D., but I'm non-practicing. I have severe PTSD and thr standard laundry list of anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. So I'm well familiar with mental illness and the trials and tribulations that come with treatment. But BPD seems like a whole new world. I want to learn it. I want to help. I'm not sure how. And I'm just... .scared. I go home in a week or so and I'm terrified I'm going to lose my friend. There's a whole lot of stuff going on just today alone but... .I figure I can save details and "oh dear God help me" posts for later.

Anyway, there it is. Hi.  

[lostadvocate]

My best friend got diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt. I'd flown out to their country from mine a few weeks prior to the attempt to try and get them some help/support while they were in crisis. I'm paying for online therapy for them. They read my messages to my spouse saying I missed him and then downed a bunch of sleeping pills. Stuff has been... .Rocky. Since then. I could go into more details but I'm not entirely sure I'm in the right spot, since theyre not family (though they might as well be for how close we are), and they're not a significant other. So. This is my introduction post.

Hi. Hah.  I have a J.D., but I'm non-practicing. I have severe PTSD and thr standard laundry list of anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. So I'm well familiar with mental illness and the trials and tribulations that come with treatment. But BPD seems like a whole new world. I want to learn it. I want to help. I'm not sure how. And I'm just... .scared. I go home in a week or so and I'm terrified I'm going to lose my friend. There's a whole lot of stuff going on just today alone but... .I figure I can save details and "oh dear God help me" posts for later.

Anyway, there it is. Hi.  

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi lostadvocate  

Yes, you did it right and you’re in the right place although I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.   and welcome.

Can you tell us a little more about your best friend? You mention you live in different countries. Have you always had a long distance relationship (until now)?  How long have you been best friends? What has your relationship been like during that time?

I’m very sorry to hear about your friend’s suicide attempt; however, since they now have a diagnosis they may have better opportunities for treatment.

I look forward to learning more about you and your friend. We’re here to listen and support you as you navigate the murky BPD waters.

  L2T

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  You are in the right place so no worries there.  We all understand what it is like to be close to someone with BPD.  I agree that the degree of closeness counts as if your friend is family, so I am glad you posted. 

Having supportive people around them is the best thing for a pwBPD (person with BPD).  We offer several tools here that can make it easier to communicate with someone with BPD so there is less chance of them dysregulating and as a result and increased chance of them being able to stay in the moment when talking about things that may otherwise trigger them.  One of the very best things however, is to establish and stick to boundaries with them.  How are you with establishing boundaries with people in your life?
 

But BPD seems like a whole new world.

Yes.  Often the way we speak or interact with pwBPD needs to change and unfortunately these changes are not always intuitive.  The tools I mentioned above can help.  Before I give you a bunch of links to them, it would help if you gave us more details so we can tailor the recommendations to your needs.  We have a huge library of information here.

I have severe PTSD and thr standard laundry list of anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc. So I'm well familiar with mental illness and the trials and tribulations that come with treatment.

Are you currently in treatment?  Several of us here on the board have been diagnosed with PTSD and deal with anxiety issues as well.  We are all working to improve ourselves and to heal from an abusive past. 

Again, I am glad you found us.  I think you are in a good place to work on being able to help your friend.

[lostadvocate]

Forgive any typos, I'm operating on mobile only.

Yeah, we met online through a shared love of video games and just clicked. They're brilliant, creative, funny, insightful, and kind. Deeply deeply kind. At the moment im reading the "stop walking on eggshells" book, and while it's very helpful, they've just flat out never acted in an abusive manner to me. Like, ever. They're one of the gentlest people I've ever known. Sensitive and sweet.

Their family situation has always been a living nightmare. And this summer I had the opportunity to fly them out to come visit me. It was eye opening for them that they didn't have to just. Let people treat them like ___. So they started removing the people from their life that actively upset them, didn't respect their pronouns, or told them that their mental illness wasn't a big deal, etc. Basically for the purposes of making their situation conducive to healing. It worked wonders for a while.

But when they went back, it was like they decided that being overseas with me (and our mutual friend) was literally the only way they could be happy. I'm from the US, mind you, and they're from the UK. They have free healthcare. So obviously my friend and I scrambles to convince them to stay where they were and get to a point where they were happy/stable before thinking about moving.

That went over super well, as you can imagine.

Then they started spiraling. Their meds suddenly seemed to stop working and they went MIA for a few days. Concerned, I asked what was going on. They told me that they'd been struggling with suicidality pretty strongly. So my friends ans I pooled our money together to send me over so that I could support them in getting help.

Things we're going fine--actually seemed to be improving--then they read my text messages to my spouse. When we were in the hospital together, they said some truly nasty things to me. About how I was just their project, just another client, that I didn't care about them even though I was their whole world, etc. Self harming while making direct eye contact with me. It was. It was like they were possessed. Mind you, they were also high off their ass on sleeping pills, so.

Since then I've been struggling to trust them. Its like they lie constantly about whether or not something bothers them, or if they're okay or not, or this morning? I asked if they wanted to talk to their therapist. They said they'd already shot off a message to her. Baffled, I asked them how. Because their phone and laptop were right next to me the whole morning. They shrugged, laughed, and said "okay maybe I didn't." Stuff like that. Bald faced lies ans just. Having to be dragged kicking and screaming to any form of self care or therapy.

Then they told me today that I scare them. Because I poke and prod and don't believe them when they say they're fine. That they flinch when I walk into the room. I've been utterly devastated all day. I don't know what to do. I want to trust them. I want them to get better. But it's so painful to watch them do this ___ after being the one taking their pulse and talking to the paramedics about any medical info I can remember, while they stare up at me glassy eyed.

I don't know what to do.

___

Re: PTSD and being treated: yes, I've been healthy and stable for about... .8 years? Whew. My meds are balanced, I'm healthy as can be. And it feels often like I'm the only damn one . Our other friends suffer from extreme anxiety and they're just... .Not treated. Not sufficiently treated, anyway. It's ... .frustrating.

Re: Boundaries---admittedly not great at setting boundaries. I love helping people. It's my passion. And I give my whole heart to my friendships as well as to my spouse. I don't trust easily (see: laundry list of mental illnesses) but when you've got my loyalty, its for life. And it utterly breaks my heart when that's abused.

[Learning2Thrive]

Hi lostadvocate  

Oh my, that is a lot of serious drama and pain happening. It’s no wonder you feel overwhelmed and confused. You’ve given of yourself so unselfishly to care for your friend.

Things we're going fine--actually seemed to be improving--then they read my text messages to my spouse. When we were in the hospital together, they said some truly nasty things to me. About how I was just their project, just another client, that I didn't care about them even though I was their whole world, etc. Self harming while making direct eye contact with me. It was. It was like they were possessed. Mind you, they were also high off their ass on sleeping pills, so.

Is your friend still in the hospital?

Why do you think they said these nasty things?

Is your spouse aware of what is happening?  If so, what is your spouse’s opinion of the situation?

In the meantime, the tools that Harri mentioned will be helpful resources.   It helps if you can center yourself and bring your wisemind into practice. This article helps explain wisemind if your not familiar or want a helpful refresher (I refer to it often):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

Once I feel balanced and centered, it helps to remember how to end conflict with high conflict persons. This article explains it very well:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

There’s a lot more, but I don’t want to overload you with information.

Please keep us posted and let us know if you have more specific questions. You fit here and we are here to listen and support you.

  L2T