More processing in therapy

[mama-wolf]

I feel like it was a good session with my T yesterday and wanted to share some of the insights with folks here in case it's useful.

As far as all the negative emotions I "should" be feeling and probably am on some level (sadness, anger, etc.)... .my T and I talked a bit more about my avoidance of feeling them being primarily motivated by fear that they'll overwhelm me and I'll totally fall apart.  Plus, I generally haven't dealt with feelings like these over the course of my life in the way I really should be dealing with them, so I just don't know how.  I know this leads to my emotional numbing and seeking a lot of distraction, which she said is still normal given how close I still am to the separation.  I'm still basically in emergency mode. 

But regardless of numbing and distraction efforts, they keep buzzing in the background and causing me to lose focus and motivation at work.  To the point where I'm generally just blah about anything that I need to get done in the office, which is starting to make me anxious about what my boss and executive leadership may be thinking about my performance.  So we talked about things like taking a walk when I find myself having trouble staying focused, going to talk to a colleague and interact personally about a topic (rather than staying isolated at my desk and sending an email), scheduling meetings that will force me to engage and stay on point with the topic at hand.  I know that some of these are just good work practices anyway, but see how they would be helpful with the emotional distractions.

As discussed in other threads, the numbness doesn't just apply to the bad feelings, though... .it gets in the way of the good ones as well.  On top of that, I have other reasons/motivations to not feel the good ones.

I told my T I don't want to feel happy because it feels like any potential happiness I may attain is at the expense of causing others pain--mostly my stbx, but also my kids as they go through this change in what their family looks like.  I feel so selfish.  (I recognize this as guilt.)

My T countered with the fact that I didn't leave the marriage for my own sake--at least, not entirely, though that should have been reason enough.  If it were just me, I probably would have stayed in the situation much longer, which would not have been good.  But one of my major motivators was my kids... .I finally went through with it mainly for their well-being, and she of course reassured me that they are going to make it through this transition period and ultimately be better off for it.  And of course she has encouraged me that things will feel better for me eventually.

She has asked me a few times whether I have felt much relief yet, so I also told her don't want to feel that either because that would reinforce just how bad things were.  How bad I let them get.  (I recognize this as denial.)

She helped me acknowledge that I'm trying to change history in my mind, to convince myself it wasn't that bad.  She reminded me that it's her job to help roll things back to the reality of the situation and remind me of what she witnessed me go through in our sessions over the last several months.  She has also said in the past two sessions that blaming myself is a way to control the feelings as well.  If I blame myself, I know where to go to make it "better," to make a change.  But if I can't blame myself, I have less ability to frame why it happened or do anything about it other than accept that bad things can happen to people without it being their fault.

My T also says I'm beating myself up emotionally, punishing myself a lot as a replacement for all the negativity and criticism that I previously got from my stbx.  My brain has been thrown out of equilibrium now that she's not around to keep inundating me with all of that, so now I'm doing it to myself.  The solution of course is to establish a new equilibrium, but that will take some time and effort.

So in line with encouragement already encountered on these boards, I have been asked to show myself more compassion, go easier on myself, and to not rob myself of my truth.  Easier said than done, but I told her I would try.

She asked if at any point I have been able to feel proud of myself for getting through this difficult decision and situation.  I had to say no.  I don't feel like there's anything for me to feel proud of, but I know she's trying to get me there, too.

All of this took nearly the entire session, but I did make myself bring up the fact that I'm starting to feel anxiety about going to my therapy sessions.  When prompted, I told her it was in part because I know she will be going out for maternity leave in late October, and I'm not sure what that will look like as far as working with someone else.  She said she really thinks that I will at least be feeling closer to "normal" by then, which is nice to hear even if I don't quite believe her yet.  And that I will of course have the option to keep working with someone else if I want to (hell no) but otherwise can take a wait-and-see approach with a referral to someone just in case I need support.

I told her the other factor causing me anxiety over upcoming therapy is the overall things we're starting to talk about.  She has made gentle reference to me having some abandonment issues, and the close association of abandonment issues with BPD immediately triggers me because I don't want to be anything like my stbx.  We also touched in the session last week on the impact that my mom's reaction to me coming out a long time ago had on me.  We got past that a long time ago too, but discussion of the impact that time had on me of course gets a little too close to supporting my stbx's criticisms of my mother and my relationship with her (though not delivered in anywhere near the same way as my stbx did).  It makes for a very stressful topic to explore (though duh... .that's what therapy is all about).  I know my T isn't coming at it from the same angle as my stbx, nor is she exploring these topics with the same manipulative motivation as my stbx... .but at a base level, it starts to whisper in my head "stbx was right"... .which cycles me back to the guilt.

We didn't really have more than a couple minutes for her to briefly reassure me on these, which did help a little, and at least I got them out there for future discussion.  She even thanked me for sharing my feelings and said it's a sign of growth... .which totally made me grimace, duck my head and exit as quickly as I could.

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

Wow! mama_wolf, just by following your posts from a while back until now, I can tell you are making progress.

Thanks for sharing your insights from therapy.  You really have a nice way of explaining what each topic means to you and your progress.

I tend to keep my emotions tamped down, too.  I have a high tolerance for physical pain and I relate that to the way I generally deal with things.  I can dismiss, ignore and deny what I am feeling physically and emotionally, too.  I think this really kept me in my relationship much longer than was healthy.


I have done quite a few “fun” activities since separating from my uBPDh.  It has been difficult for me to fully feel the joy because of my guilt over the breakup.  I’m working on it.  I’m realizing that it’s ok and actually good to enjoy my life and that it’s not selfish.

Connecting with people, as you describe your work situation, is something I sometimes avoid, but almost always feel a little lighter in spirit when I do.

I applaud all of the work you are doing.  It takes courage, but you strike me as a courageous person, am I right? 

You are going to come out of this healthier and in a place of contentment.  Do you think you are becoming more able to feel relief?

Peace and blessings,

Mustbe

[Gemsforeyes]

Dearest Mama-wolf-
Your screen name alone explains so very much about you... .I am quite certain that you’ve found yourself HAVING to be the rock in your BPD marriage, the source of assurance and love, protector of your baby cubs (so to speak), your “den”, keeper of the peace, organizer, thinker, force of calm, and likely the “go-to” girl in most relationships you’ve ever been in, friendships included. 

Possibly now that you find yourself in need of expressing or “feeling” something, you’re not quite sure what that “something” is... .so the best you can come up with is a feeling of numbness.  You have been on the back burner for SO SO long, in a marriage where your feelings simply didn’t matter, or at least that’s how you were made to feel. 

On top of that, publicly, perhaps you cannot ALWAYS BE who you are.  So the true you is and has been hidden, and perhaps has been for a good part of your life.  And along with that, your true feelings have been hidden.  Is it acceptable for you to display any sadness at work, among your close peers, the way a woman who’s divorcing a man would be “permitted” to express her sadness?  I don’t know... .I guess it depends on how enlightened your work community is.  So could be that you’ve trained yourself to stuff your emotions further down.

In your responses to my thread (and so MANY others’) your wisdom is deep and so helpful, that I come up empty with how to even thank you properly.  And I doubt I have anything useful to give you here... .

But here goes... .in the midst of all these lists of things to do (from your other post) - distractions, chores, caretaking “obligations”, resettling in the house, set aside “Mama-wolf’s morning corner”.  A place you go for a period of time each day.  A committed amount of time.  If your hair is tied back, let it down, if it’s dry, wet it first.  If you have a rocking chair, sit and rock, or sit on the floor.  Or you can get into a bubble bath.  Up to you, but it’s FOR you... .and your children WILL understand.  Close your eyes.  And insist you have NOTHING else to do for this time.  NOTHING.

Do progressive relaxation on your body.  Have you heard of that?  You move through your body from toes to head, tensing from toes to head, tensing, tighter and tighter... .one small section of your body at a time, and then releasing.  If you let your body begin to relax, and just feeeel, in some time perhaps your mind will follow; and relax.  Your “must do now” list can grow shorter, and as you lift that pressure, some feelings will begin to emerge.  You can give yourself permission.  Just as you give OTHERS permission.

I hope I’m making any sense... .I used to do progressive relaxation with the troubled teens I coached.  It worked wonders... .to the point where they ASKED ME to do it for them.

I have only now thought of it again.  Guessing there is some connection.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[mama-wolf]

Wow! mama_wolf, just by following your posts from a while back until now, I can tell you are making progress.

I applaud all of the work you are doing.  It takes courage, but you strike me as a courageous person, am I right? 

Thank you for saying so, Mustbe!  While I'm in the thick of it all, it really hasn't felt like I have made much progress, but I have gone back to read a few of my past posts and I can see it a little.  And no, I wouldn't characterize myself as courageous at all.  In fact, my avoidance of feeling much of anything or being vulnerable with people seems more like cowardice to me... .not to mention my inability to stand up for myself for so long.  I recognize this as mostly coming from the negative self-talk and the low self-worth I have been struggling with, but I think I have a ways to go before I can truly turn that perception around.

You are going to come out of this healthier and in a place of contentment.  Do you think you are becoming more able to feel relief?

After my therapy session on Tuesday, I'm recognizing that this is something I will have to actively focus on, and it is going to take time as well.  I have to find a way to move beyond the basic awareness and cursory acknowledgement that my stbx is not there to inundate me with her negativity, her criticisms, and her control, to a place where I can allow myself to actually feel relieved and grateful that she isn't.  Before I can do that, I have to stop blaming myself for where we ended up, and that is really hard to let go of.

Dearest Mama-wolf-
Your screen name alone explains so very much about you... .I am quite certain that you’ve found yourself HAVING to be the rock in your BPD marriage, the source of assurance and love, protector of your baby cubs (so to speak), your “den”, keeper of the peace, organizer, thinker, force of calm, and likely the “go-to” girl in most relationships you’ve ever been in, friendships included. 

Gems, it is really good to hear from you!  I was glad to see that you have been actively posting in other threads, supporting others here, though I still worry about you and how you are doing.  I know you were working through some very difficult things recently yourself, and hope you're doing OK.

What you have described of me is pretty darn accurate, both about how I have had to operate in the marriage, and how I'm struggling now to even figure out what to feel, much less work through it and find my true self.  And in a lot of ways, even though I'm now out of the marriage where my feelings just didn't matter, I struggle with feeling like they still don't matter.  More like a ":)oesn't really matter how I feel about x, it still has to happen (or has happened and I can't change it) so I just need to suck it up and get on with it."

As far as work goes, I do have a very supportive boss and team around me.  I can generally take time off or (worst-case scenario) excuse myself if I need to, and I know they'll back me up as needed.  But I'm also in a leadership position, a senior member of my team who is leading a program that gets high visibility in the organization, so maintaining a certain level of professionalism is really important.  So, yes, a lot of compartmentalization happens and has happened for a long time.  Plus, I have generally worked hard in my career to keep work at work, and family life at home as much as possible.  It's only in these recent months that family life has been bleeding into my workdays like it has.

In your responses to my thread (and so MANY others’) your wisdom is deep and so helpful, that I come up empty with how to even thank you properly.  And I doubt I have anything useful to give you here... .

But here goes... .in the midst of all these lists of things to do (from your other post) - distractions, chores, caretaking “obligations”, resettling in the house, set aside “Mama-wolf’s morning corner”.  A place you go for a period of time each day.  A committed amount of time. 

You know, you're the second person on the board this week to refer to my "wisdom" and I just don't quite know how to respond to that.  Regardless of whether I identify with the characterization, there is absolutely no need to thank me for anything.  We are all here to support each other through an experience that many others just can't quite understand.

You have offered some sound advice about carving out time for just me to have no obligations or distractions.  It is very similar to a suggestion from my T, and something I keep thinking I will do, but have still shied away from when it comes down to it.  To the point where I wake up in the mornings even before my alarm, and it would be a perfect time to do these things (or even to just get up and get some exercise)... .but I can't quite make myself get moving.  It has been taking me 30-45 minutes to convince myself to get up and get going, to get my day started.

The mechanics of what you have described about the progressive relaxation is actually very similar to the beginning of a morning yoga routine I did periodically years ago.  It makes total sense, and I will keep trying to get myself there.  I know that the technique you described could even be done while I lay there in the bed trying to get going (the stretching can come later). 

So much of all of this is a matter of making myself do the things I know I should do, which is usually not a problem for me but is taking a lot more conscious effort and energy now.

mw

[mama-wolf]

I found myself thinking back on my post from earlier today, and felt the need to address one particular point a little further, because I don't want someone else who might read through this post to get the wrong idea.

In fact, my avoidance of feeling much of anything or being vulnerable with people seems more like cowardice to me... .not to mention my inability to stand up for myself for so long.  I recognize this as mostly coming from the negative self-talk and the low self-worth I have been struggling with, but I think I have a ways to go before I can truly turn that perception around.

I wanted anyone who might be going through or thinking the same things knows that this is not in fact cowardice.  We are not cowards for avoiding or detaching from overwhelming feelings, nor are we cowards for struggling with vulnerability.  It's much more complicated than that, and calling it cowardice is an example of me being harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else.  While I may not quite see the path for me to move beyond this thinking yet, I do at least recognize the error and want to make sure others don't get caught up in the same error.  If that makes sense... .

mw

[Mustbeabetterway]

MW, I’m really glad you saw that and realize that you are indeed being too hard on yourself.  I was composing a reply in my head.  Sometimes the advice we would give to others is difficult to follow ourselves.  But, I think you are getting there.  I’m proud of you.  I know it wasn’t cowardice that kept you from standing up.  So many of us, though we are not perfect, and probably would do some things differently if we could, were trying to be the calm, reasonable voice in the face of extreme pressure or circumstances.  We were doing the best we could with what we knew.  We cared and we tried and that is not cowardly.

You are making progress.  Keep up the good work.

Mustbe

[Harley Quinn]

She reminded me that it's her job to help roll things back to the reality of the situation and remind me of what she witnessed me go through in our sessions over the last several months.  She has also said in the past two sessions that blaming myself is a way to control the feelings as well.  If I blame myself, I know where to go to make it "better," to make a change.  But if I can't blame myself, I have less ability to frame why it happened or do anything about it other than accept that bad things can happen to people without it being their fault.

This has really moved me, as I had the almost exact things said to me by my counsellor.  She literally said "You came here at the start with this big box of stuff that you needed to sort out, and everything you've told me that you've been through you blamed yourself for.  But none of it is your fault.  You didn't make these things happen nor did you ask for any of it.  Sometimes bad things just happen to people."  This community is such a blessing.  Thank you for sharing your journey mw.  It helps to know that none of us are alone.   

Love and light x