is it helpful to the BP to stay in touch and check on as a friend?

[Toota1234]

I’ve been doing a lot of reading but no clear answer (and I know it might not even exist)!
My question is: is it helpful to the BP to stay in touch and check on as a friend?
She made it clear that we should be only friends and “people” should not think that we are dating! Which was fine with me! But her answer to that was we should not meet again to not to give “people” the wrong impression!
Later she was happy to be a friend, yet demanded that certain words to be eliminated from my communication including “high standards and preciuos”... .now I learn more about BPD I can relate to why the request was made.

Last time we met in a gathering she intentionally ignored me infront of our friends (which actually made “people” even question the matter more). Anyway, I texted her after asking if she was angry, she replied “No”. I sent a couple other text just to smooth things out, she answered next day saying “those are annoying msgs”. I agreed!

I am trying to stay in touch because I am the only friend in her circles who knows that she is diagnosed as BP. In fact the rest of the friends consider her either just a reckless promiscuous girl, at worse, or just very young, at best. She is 28!
I like her genuinely and the more I read anout BPD the more I want to be in her life somehow; again especially that she trusted me on her diagnosis and episodes very early on... .and no one else!

I do not want to cause her pain by staying in touch... .or by disappearing!  should I keep trying to see her? Or should I totally disapear for a while? I was away for a month and after my return this idea of “people thinking of us dating” came to her mind and she started to act aloof.
Your insights are highly appreciated!
T

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[waverider]

Lack of consistency is the only consistency in BPD. This means how she sees, and treats, you will be according to her whim of the moment, and how it suits her need. So the real question is whether it is helpful to you. It could destabilise you trying to provide stability for her.

Typically it is hard for many pwBPD to be "normal" with an ex. But I guess there are always exceptions to any rule.

It it you that feels this need, or her?

[Toota1234]

[It it you that feels this need, or her?

Well, I think I am clear about my feelings for her. We connected immediately on a mental level in a way that seldom happens to me (and her). For three months I was her “Platonic Buddy”! We said we are not labeling this relationship in anyway.

I am commited and willing to invest myself emotionally for her “spiritual growth” and mine; in the words of Scott Peck’s The Road Less traveked.

I understand that this will be quite a tough path to take, but I like the fact that we both got the best out if each other whenever we were together; until recently when I can see that my presence in her lufe might possessed some challenge as I was more of the idealistic voice (even though I did not do that intentionally, it is just my nornal way of thinking). I never criticized her, but I think we had a creative project together that she for some reasons decided to abruptly abandon.

Again- insights will be appreciated. I do wish I can be with her through this... .and I know how difficult and fragile it might be

[singularity]

Hi waverider

Typically it is hard for many pwBPD to be "normal" with an ex. But I guess there are always exceptions to any rule.

How do pwBPD treat their exes?  Just trying to understand what is going on in her mind.  I know that there will never be that same initial relationship, but is there nothing there anymore?  If the nonBPD were to move on, do they just not care?  Is there jealousy?  I am not trying to decide if I should move on, I don't think I can easily give of myself 100% to anyone else, I'm wondering if jealousy signifies some connection still?

[waverider]

Hi waverider

How do pwBPD treat their exes?  Just trying to understand what is going on in her mind.  I know that there will never be that same initial relationship, but is there nothing there anymore?  If the nonBPD were to move on, do they just not care?  Is there jealousy?  I am not trying to decide if I should move on, I don't think I can easily give of myself 100% to anyone else, I'm wondering if jealousy signifies some connection still?

Everyone is different. However many pwBPD thrive on victimhood and blame shifting. As a consequence it is common for pwBPD to blacken the names of their exes to justify this. Often behind their backs with them being never the wiser. Then at other times use their previous connections to pull favours as suits, or even call on them as rescuers.

There can be jealousy but is not always in the same rational way most would see it. It tends to be tied to the impulse or mood of the moment. Intense and obsessive one moment, the next like you never existed. Their recollections will also rewrite history.

[singularity]

Everyone is different. However many pwBPD thrive on victimhood and blame shifting. As a consequence it is common for pwBPD to blacken the names of their exes to justify this. Often behind their backs with them being never the wiser. Then at other times use their previous connections to pull favours as suits, or even call on them as rescuers.

There can be jealousy but is not always in the same rational way most would see it. It tends to be tied to the impulse or mood of the moment. Intense and obsessive one moment, the next like you never existed. Their recollections will also rewrite history.

I am typing out an email to her - I will post it on my thread.  I don't want to jump into another thread.  Thank you for your help.