Insight from my T. My parents hid everything.

[JNChell]

Hello. I had an insightful discussion with my T this week. I was at a loss for things to talk about, but she found a tid-bit and went with it. I’m grateful for her. Anyway, we started talking about how things were for me in school. Things weren’t great looking back. I’m talking 7-12.

My T’s biggest concern is if I noticed that anyone else noticed what was going on at home. Or if I ever confided in anyone. No, obviously. I was an athlete. I excelled at football. That’s where I got my aggression out. I had no remorse for my opponent. I needed that game. I’m sorry for the guys that I unleashed on.

The family secret. What goes on behind closed doors, stays there. It was unspoken unless there was a very severe incident. Then I was told to not mention it. That only went on for a while. Eventually, it’s ingrained.

I remember the threats of the police taking me away vividly if I didn’t stop rebelling. Rebelling=leaving as a teenager. Bag packed. Had enough. Forced to stay with FOG.

I believed their threats. I believed that I would be put away somewhere for trying to escape them. Odds are, I would have been. They kept up appearances. Cars, house... .all of that stuff. I had been suspended from school several times. I was the perp. My sister was a straight A student. All of the evidence was stacked against me.

I can remember so clearly that night. I wanted to leave. I knew where I was going. How does a child leave one prison when they’re threatened with a different one?

I can see and feel the intensity in what I’m venting here. Maybe it’s a bit of a flashback. I don’t know. What I do know is that if my Son and I have a disagreement, he just wants to take a walk, go to his room, etc.

My life is very different since my abusers (adoptive parents) have died, but a lot died with them. My closure. I confronted them. I was gaslighted. I left feeling crazy. I was 21 and went home to my first real love. I’m certain that she was a pwBPD. The details don’t matter now. I know. I know what my FOO did. It’s ok. I just need to keep working through it.

Sorry for the rant. I needed to vent.

[Harri]

Hi JNChell.  That was not a vent.  It is real and pretty intense.  I think it is great that you came here to post.  It is not easy to look at this stuff but we can support you and walk with you.

What kind of outlet do you have now?  Back when you were in school it was football, but what about today? 

It is so interesting when our families were picture perfect to outsiders.  I used to think mine was but as time passes and I remember and process more, I think there were cracks there and some people did know something was up but not how bad it was.  I am 52 and things were handled a lot differently then.  The secrets though... .'Harri, don't ever tell anyone what goes on in this house.  You and (brother) will be taken away.'  That your parents threatened you with prison is such a mind ____.  How do you choose?  Impossible.

I know. I know what my FOO did. It’s ok. I just need to keep working through it.

Yes you do.  And so do we as you share it with us. 

[JNChell]

Hi, Harri. Always glad to see you. 

What kind of outlet do you have now?  Back when you were in school it was football, but what about today? 

Football was quite some time ago. I’m 41. I’ve had several outlets between then and now. Starting a career, then dumping it to play live music and a lot of stuff in between. I was pretty scattered. I’m now back in my original career and things are going fairly well.

Today, I have gentler outlets. Friends and family that listen. Reading and educating myself. Breathing and grounding. I’m lifting weights and working out again.

Thank you. I know that we have gun incidents in common. I know that’s a sporadic statement, but I’ve never come across another that had that happen to them as a child. I thought I was living in a normal household.

It feels good to come here and decompress.

[JNChell]

Harri, how are you doing? You are always hard at work here helping others.

[zachira]

I second Harri in saying you were not ranting or venting. A rant is venting anger disconnected from the underlying feelings and there is no understanding of why one is so upset. You are able to fully connect your feelings to what happened to you in childhood and how it affects you now. With time, you will feel less intense feelings from the past, and more present centered feelings which mostly are about what is happening in the moment. It takes courage and character to face child abuse and to go to therapy which must be more challenging and scary than playing football. Keep up the good work and keep us posted.

[Harri]

Awww, you are sweet to ask.  I am doing good thank you.  I get a lot out of posting, whether in my own threads or in others.  Always learning!

We do share a history with guns.  My mother kept one near by and would tell me she had it to protect herself because she was scared of me.  She had it for many years.  Unlike you, I did not have to deal with having it aimed at my stomach.  What the hell do you do with stuff like that?  For me, for many years, I just stuffed it in a crate labeled 'crazy stuff that happened' and hardly ever looked at it.  I find now though that it shaped me, along with many other lies and paranoid delusions of my mother... .all filtered through a childs' mind. 

I am very happy that you have supportive friends and family who can listen.  Plus you have us!    Lifting and exercising is great too. 

I thought I was living in a normal household.

So many of us thought that.  I blamed myself.  I bought the lies that I was evil.    We don't know what we don't know (quoting Turkish on that!). 

[JNChell]

zachira, thanks for chiming in. It can become exhausting. I’m here because of a relationship that finally made me look inward. FOO. It can’t be disputed. Unresolved issues/trauma.

It takes courage and character to face child abuse and to go to therapy which must be more challenging and scary than playing football.

Football wasn’t scary for me. It was a much needed outlet looking back. I bet it reduced my physical abuse by at least 2 years. I put a stop to it with brawn. It didn’t stop the mind f*****g, though. They were sick people. Both. Spill the milk one day, beating. Spill the milk tomorrow, “it’s ok, it was an accident.” Always moving the goalposts. Right into relationships. Sorry, I have to chuckle at that.

[JNChell]

Harri, yes! Turkish is spot on with that mantra. It’s so true, and so simple.

[Learning2Thrive]

... .I know that we have gun incidents in common. I know that’s a sporadic statement, but I’ve never come across another that had that happen to them as a child. I thought I was living in a normal household.

  JNChell. This is me waiving to you and saying, ME TOO. And telling you that you are NOT alone.  

Guns were my Dad’s thing. They were always loaded and ready to go. He also threatened us (4 little kids ranging from 3 to 9 y/o) with knives and baseball bats. It was always a moving target as to what would set him off.

We’re all here in this pursuit of healing together; supporting each other like the family we should have had but did not. We can do this thing. We’re here for you.

  L2T

[TheAllBadOne]

Hi JNChell

Just had to stop by and say I SO RELATE. My sis and I were adopted when I was 10 and she was 7. The woman who adopted us had/has the most severe BPD. Outwardly she would present as an intelligent, kind, somewhat fiery hippy. Inwardly, a raging witch of a woman. Growing up, I too was told not to tell anyone what was going on at home.

I tried. Believe me, I tried. School councillors thought my behaviour was due to my traumatic childhood (my real parents were junkies) and fobbed me off. My BPD mother painted me so so black. Apparently I was an angry, drug addicted, promiscuous teen and she had no idea how to deal with me. Meanwhile I was hurting and acting out somewhat (not even close to what she insinuated though) so who did they believe? HER.

She chucked me on a plane at 15 because she'd had enough of me. I never went back. If you ask anyone who knows her, she had no choice but to get rid of that angry little girl who was ruining her family.

Fast forward almost 20 years, We've been NC now for 3 years (I've tried over and over to reconcile to no avail) and man it's good. Growing up with a BPD mum has scarred me as I'm sure it has you. Anxiety. Imposter syndrome. Feeling worthless. It doesn't matter how much I achieve, I still feel as though it's going to be taken off me and someone will find out the truth.

Saddest part of the story? My real sister has BPD and I feel I've lost her too.

I'm guessing from your post you are a parent? How do you find parenting after coping abuse your whole childhood? I over mother like no body's business. I've only ever experienced the worst type of parenting so now I overcompensate and drive myself bonkers trying to overachieve. I wonder if that's a common thread amongst us?

Thanks for sharing, it certainly resonated with me.

[Turkish]

I never confided on anyone,  but I think that a few high school teachers may have picked up on something,  maybe my mother's conspicuous absence, though one of the two high school counselors knew her, but not really.  I only graduated with $1000 on scholarship money due to teachers and counselors pushing me to fill out forms and apply. Ithink that they thought it odd that i didn't apply to college,  especially when i outscored many seniors on the ACT (I didn't do so well on the SAT), and basically swept the floor on the tri-county academic decathlon and placed 6th in California on the essay contest.  My mom showed up to enjoy my high school graduation,  however.  She showed up to be proud of my AD medals (3 gold, 3 silver, lost now in her Hoard house), though that had little to do with her.  I didn't even want to go as I thought it stupid and pointless.  I just wanted to make the leap into adulthood. 

The mother of my BFAM also helped me in a subtle but significant way: believing in me.  No matter that she raised a dBPD daughter (in retrospect, I realized some of her contributions, and she may have been a little uBPD herself), she still believed in me.  And her tiny bit significant validations and help made all the difference. Someone who nudged me and didn't shame me like maybe my mom did: "you have a high IQ! Why aren't you going to Sac State!" At the least. Ok mom.  I'm a kid. How do I begin to do that? How do I even apply? I don't know,

I can't imagine how that was with you all threatened with guns and other weapons. I feel guilty of I raise my voice to my kids even justified (sometimes the little whelps need it!).

I just kissed S8 goodnight after I let him stay up later to read The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. Getting though the entire Chonicles of Narnia is the summer reading assignment and he likes it so far.  I can't comprehend threatening him bodily harm. What kind of parent does that? I told my boy that I loved him and asked him if he knew it (differently than how my ex used to ask me,  "do you love me?". He sincerely answered yes.

I wanted to kill myself when I was 14. Being a mountain boy,  I had my own .22 long rifle,  unsupervised. When I was a high school freshman, a classmate shot himself on the head with a .22LR. He survived but was messed up.  Because of his dad, but the good thing was that his dad and boom became very close, even if he was brain damaged. That made me think,  though I was very depressed at the time.  What was more significant was my Christian faith. Then I thought, "I can survive 4 years until I'm 18, take 100% control of my life and go from there. 

And I did, and I am here now, at close to 47 (if we're disclosing ages 

And I'm a survivor as all of us here who post and also the lurkers find themselves here and read this board. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi JNChell,

Glad to see you here.  Thank you for sharing the story of your current journey and discoveries with us. Hang in there!

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, LTT. Thank you so much for joining the thread.

I’m so sorry for what you had to experience as a child. I’m sorry for your siblings as well. I get very PO’d when I witness or know about child abuse. It’s a caged fury that I’m afraid I will unleash on someone one day. When I was at the grocery store last weekend, there was a father mistreating his daughter with words. I just turned and stared at him with the look. He looked at the floor and walked away. I need to address this with my T before I get myself into trouble.

Guns were my Dad’s thing. They were always loaded and ready to go. He also threatened us (4 little kids ranging from 3 to 9 y/o) with knives and baseball bats. It was always a moving target as to what would set him off.

It was so unpredictable, wasn’t it? These days I’m just grateful that I’m able to recognize why I feel this way. We should all be grateful that we’re not the topic of these threads. God, how I wish that some of the women that have come and gone from my life could acknowledge and accept the same. It hurts to know that they never will. I love each of them. The mother of my Son the deepest. I’m pretty uncertain about ever feeling this way about another as I move forward.

Thank you for talking through this with me. It means a lot.

[JNChell]

TheAllHadOne, thank you for joining. I’m sorry for what you went through. You know that I can empathize and somewhat feel your pain and confusion. It’s hard.

She chucked me on a plane at 15 because she'd had enough of me. I never went back. If you ask anyone who knows her, she had no choice but to get rid of that angry little girl who was ruining her family. 

I imagine that this was quite traumatizing for you as I’m sure it was very impulsive. You had no time to plan. I’m going to be blunt now. This is probably the best thing that could’ve happened to you. Please correct me if I’m out of line here.

My parents (adoptive) moved a thousand miles away when I was in my early twenties. I didn’t miss them and rarely took their calls. They did the detaching for me. I had a fantasy of dragging my dad out into the yard and literally beating the s**t out of him. He became feeble and pathetic before I could fulfill my fantasy. I’m glad that he lost his health. This would’ve been something that I regretted. My parents never earned my love a devotion. They demanded it. Right now, I hate them.

[JNChell]

Turkish, I wrote a long reply and it disappeared. I’ll write it again, just not now. I’m overly frustrated that it went away when I tried to post.

[JNChell]

Thank you Wools. I’ve read many of your posts/replies. Thank you for helping us.

[Learning2Thrive]

It was so unpredictable, wasn’t it? These days I’m just grateful that I’m able to recognize why I feel this way. We should all be grateful that we’re not the topic of these threads. God, how I wish that some of the women that have come and gone from my life could acknowledge and accept the same. It hurts to know that they never will. I love each of them. The mother of my Son the deepest. I’m pretty uncertain about ever feeling this way about another as I move forward.

Thank you for talking through this with me. It means a lot. Empathy

Yes, it was absolutely all so horrifically unpredictable.

Yes, I too am grateful I did not choose the same path as my parents.  

It’s so hard for us—we understand and empathize with pwBPD. We know, if only they could acknowledge and accept... .everything could be so different. It could be so beautiful and loving instead of so ugly and painful. But we don’t get to make their choices and we can’t make them see no matter how much we love them and want to rescue them.

What I am FINALLY LEARNING after more than 50 years of caretaking and rescuing behaviors is that I need to extend that love, understanding and compassion to ME so I can heal. Because if I do that, I can heal. And so can you.

Sending you love and encouragement because you are resilient, strong and worthy.   I’m so glad you are posting here. You fit with us. We are all at different stages but helping each other much like the family we wish we had would have done.

  L2T