uBPDH weaning meds and suddenly painting me black

[waitingwife]

So uBPDH had started seeing a therapist(3rd one in the last 15 years) and his T had recommended for himmto be on zoloft for a year in conjunction with therapy to help lift off the depression.  He stopped seeing the therapist as soon as he started feeling better and told me he’ll only see the T on an as need be basis. During such decisions, he asks me what do you think?

In the past, I use to bite he bait and answer from a codependency or fixing  standpoint and say - No, you should continue. But this time when he asked me what my thoughts are- I had said, whatever brings you calm and feels right to you is what you should do. I know him for 15 years and also know that he’d rather take a medicine than sit & talk. Talk therapy(CBT) takes years. I’m the opposite and love processing my feelings/thoughts/behavior with my T. I use to see her continuously until we started makin breakthrough and she recommended me to come on a as need be basis.
 
So now he saw his regular GP and asked him if he can wean off the Zoloft as the T had asked him to be on it for 1 year. I feel like the zoloft helped take the edge off his mood swings. Now all of a sudden, he has mood swings and at times ST. He snaps or taunts for the simplest things like who will start the rice cooker or let’s not put our puppy in the crate at night.

He took it away last night and when I asked him what was he upto taking the crate away? He snapped back saying you always say NO to what I want to do, blah blah. The puppy did great, no worries and I was open to listening to his reasoning but felt a little disrespectfed at the way he did it.

In the morning, he asked me so after all my decision to let the puppy sleep in his playpen was great coz the puppy is fully housebroken. I said it was a good idea but I told him that I felt bad about him using the ALWAYS says no to his idea. I told him that I am sometimes going to want different things or disagree and want to be able to voice my opinion.

All these years, I use to go along to keep the peace but after all the therapy, I am not able to go along anymore... .not iust with H but in general with my parents or friends who have poor boundaries

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[pearlsw]

Hi waitingwife,

My SO is on anti-depressants. His doctor told him that he should take them for twice as long at the depression has lasted. My SO likes the results (it was not easy getting him to that point) so he wants to take them for 14 years now!

He got mad the other day and threw the bottles at me, broke up, and said he wouldn't take them. He barely made it through a half day of work the next day after that and then started taking them again with my gentle encouragement by the next afternoon because I don't think you should suddenly stop them. I've made it clear he needs to take these for himself, not me, but I am glad he takes them because his moods are generally easier though still challenging.

He is talking now about seeing a counselor because of a recent outburst. Medicine helps, but is not enough. There is a behavioral aspect that requires modification he can only learn from a therapist I think.

Are you hoping to stay with him? Then I suggest to support these things but not in a way that gets used against you.

sincerely, pearl.

[waitingwife]

Hi Pearl,
I do plan to stay with him as he’s high functioning and we have a beautiful 8 year d daughter. We have had our fair share of happy moments mixed in with the not so happy moments.
I truly feel therapy or medication can be beneficial when the want/need comes from within.
If you asked me 5 years ago if I was codependent, I’d say no way but there came a day that things were unbearable and I went in search of the calm & peace to my therapist. Had I gone coz my spouse forced me to, I don’t think I’d have made the amount of breakthrough.
I can support him in his decision to take the meds or seek therapy but the decision has to be his. My therapist has helped me in recognizing how much part I own in a relationship and beyond that if the result is not in my favor, I need to try a different way or accept that he may not want what I do.
It is really very difficult coz I can feel the negative energry between us. It’s like his eyes speak a thousand words when he paints me black. He hasn’t been vocal or mean to me but there’s the emotional distance. All the snapping or beIng on the edge reactions from him make me sense the negativity that’s going through his mind.
I’m trying hard to do fun things as a way of taking care of myself but I need to come back to my center and don’t know how!

[pearlsw]

I’m trying hard to do fun things as a way of taking care of myself but I need to come back to my center and don’t know how!

Hi waitingwife,

If you and therapist see your behaviors as codependent it is completely understandable you don't want to get pulled into his decision making process.

In my case, along with all above, I am not codependent. He does ask me my opinion and I offer it, but I am not attached to the outcome. I know these are his choices. But I also recognize it is in his, and frankly my, best interest if he takes medication. But my SO is on his journey and yours on his. I just offer the example as a way of saying that there is a way to do this, offer an opinion and then step aside.

When I see described what I do above, I would have offered an opinion. It sounds like he values your thoughts, or that is what I assume from someone asking an opinion. But, also from my experience, I know these things can be turned against a person. My SO clearly threw the medication at me because he believes I want it and it would hurt me if he stopped it. He looks for "weird" ways to hurt me. I was not hurt and I've made it clear all along he has to do this for himself, it is not about me. I didn't attach it to an ultimatum or anything.

I set the medication aside and went on with what I was doing that day. I set it out where he could access it the next day if he had cooled down and changed his mind and wanted to take it. The choices are his. In my case I encourage, but I don't make it so important that he gets any reward for punishing me, or rewarding me for that matter, out of taking it.

Dealing with these issues and finding our way is not easy for any of us. This is one of my small personal successes on this health struggle. I can understand how you two have a completely different fact pattern!

Hopefully anyone reading our experiences side by side can gain something out of it!

You are saying you need to come back to your center. That sounds like a great focus to have! What do you have in mind about that? What fun things are you up to lately?

sincerely, pearl.

[waitingwife]

Thanks Pearl, yeah it’s all the old patterns we’re all working hard to break or recreate.
I can surely be a pillar of support for H to stay on track with his therapy or meds but I use to try to be “his driving force” which I’m trying not to be.
I have definitely fallen behind on taking care of myself. I work full time and switched over to working from home all 5 days a week. With my line of work, I cannot reverse that and go to office a few days and I love saving 3 hrs of commute time with my working from hone. But the downside is I don’t meet anybody and everything is remote.
I realized that with my personality, I thrive as a person when I meet people, make connections which I’m not able to do with the current work situation. I work full time which leaves me hardly anytime to socialize or do something fun. The evenings after work at 6:30pm if/when I try to get away for shopping or even just groceries, I get the roll of an eye. I do it anyways coz I feel cooped up being inside my home office for 8-9 hours a da. I have put in a request for the part time work to cut my hours down to 30 hours so that i have sometime in the day for myself.