Considering Leaving

[WonderingGirl]

Yesterday, I posted for the first time. Yesterday, I wanted to make my relationship work. Both me, and my son love my boyfriend (Ex? maybe, I'm not even sure at this moment),and I know it would break both of our hearts for us to leave him, and this life we have.
Today though, well tonight, is different. Everything has changed. O (We will call BF that), has expressed love for my son before, and has done some things that show great love. Like teaching him how to drive his power wheels, or play golf. So, I know at one point he loved my son, but lately he has been getting annoyed with him, and I am aware of that as even I get slightly annoyed with my 3 year olds 2 hours fits too. Tonight O expressed that he does not like my son. He doesn't love him, or like him anymore (similar about what he said to me, and back pedaled the next day in a sense). I don't want to mess with my son though, I don't want him to feel unwanted by O. Right now that is not the case, from what I see. I don't want it to become that way though. I also know it will break my sons heart to leave. O is not my sons father. So he only has the connection that he has grown with him. I don't have my son all the time, so he isn't with O everyday, but close to it, especially with O being out of work.

I know 2 hours of screaming, are hard to take. I snapped too, and Im a pretty patient mom. I just don't know what to do. Both emotionally, but also financially. I can't afford to leave, unless I go back to My parents. O had never hurt my child, accept maybe a well deserved spank on the butt (totally legal in my state), but I don't want O to start verbally abusing my son and stuff either. Now, I don't know what I want to do, or how to do anything. Today, I feel broken with this choice.

[Woodchuck]

Yesterday, I posted for the first time. Yesterday, I wanted to make my relationship work. Both me, and my son love my boyfriend (Ex? maybe, I'm not even sure at this moment),and I know it would break both of our hearts for us to leave him, and this life we have.
Today though, well tonight, is different. Everything has changed. O (We will call BF that), has expressed love for my son before, and has done some things that show great love. Like teaching him how to drive his power wheels, or play golf. So, I know at one point he loved my son, but lately he has been getting annoyed with him, and I am aware of that as even I get slightly annoyed with my 3 year olds 2 hours fits too. Tonight O expressed that he does not like my son. He doesn't love him, or like him anymore (similar about what he said to me, and back pedaled the next day in a sense). I don't want to mess with my son though, I don't want him to feel unwanted by O. Right now that is not the case, from what I see. I don't want it to become that way though. I also know it will break my sons heart to leave. O is not my sons father. So he only has the connection that he has grown with him. I don't have my son all the time, so he isn't with O everyday, but close to it, especially with O being out of work.

I know 2 hours of screaming, are hard to take. I snapped too, and Im a pretty patient mom. I just don't know what to do. Both emotionally, but also financially. I can't afford to leave, unless I go back to My parents. O had never hurt my child, accept maybe a well deserved spank on the butt (totally legal in my state), but I don't want O to start verbally abusing my son and stuff either. Now, I don't know what I want to do, or how to do anything. Today, I feel broken with this choice.

Wonder-
Good evening.  dealing with a romantic partner that has these issues and children can be very difficult.  I think part of the key is to separate the emotion and deal with it separate from the fact.  My W has told our D11 that she has a black heart when she has been angry with her.  What kind of mother tells their 11yo that?  She more recently told me that she is sick of people telling her that our children are great/good kids.  What kind of person thinks this way?  For me, I have had to separate the emotion from the fact.  I guess the way I see it from what you wrote, that he has stated that he doesn't like your son and I can see how that would be extremely hurtful.  If I was in that situation currently and my W told me the same thing, I would respond by validating that our child could be quite frustrating at times and that it is hard to 'like' them when they are throwing a tantrum.  I don't know if that will help with anything but it may.

Woodchuck

[WonderingGirl]

Wonder-
Good evening.  dealing with a romantic partner that has these issues and children can be very difficult.  I think part of the key is to separate the emotion and deal with it separate from the fact.  My W has told our D11 that she has a black heart when she has been angry with her.  What kind of mother tells their 11yo that?  She more recently told me that she is sick of people telling her that our children are great/good kids.  What kind of person thinks this way?  For me, I have had to separate the emotion from the fact.  I guess the way I see it from what you wrote, that he has stated that he doesn't like your son and I can see how that would be extremely hurtful.  If I was in that situation currently and my W told me the same thing, I would respond by validating that our child could be quite frustrating at times and that it is hard to 'like' them when they are throwing a tantrum.  I don't know if that will help with anything but it may.

Woodchuck

Thank you for the response. I certainly understand the feelings of frustration, and have often thought some less than perfect parent thoughts to some behaviors. In this situation, I pretty much did what you said, and told him that I can understand how hard it is to deal with the fits, and his response was that I should be able to see that recently he has not be connecting with my son. Which is true, but O, has also been in his own funk not wanting to connect with anyone for a few weeks now, so I don't think that he reasoning is the full reasoning for the disconnection with my son now. I know its super hard to have children around sometimes. In the past, I've expressed that I never expect him to like my child all the time, as parents don't even like their kids sometimes! That is something I stand by, I'm just mostly worried about the comments of him telling my son he is being annoying during his fits, and what not. My son thinks its funny now, and replies by saying no he is not... .but who knows how long it will take to have an effect

[Woodchuck]

Thank you for the response. I certainly understand the feelings of frustration, and have often thought some less than perfect parent thoughts to some behaviors. In this situation, I pretty much did what you said, and told him that I can understand how hard it is to deal with the fits, and his response was that I should be able to see that recently he has not be connecting with my son. Which is true, but O, has also been in his own funk not wanting to connect with anyone for a few weeks now, so I don't think that he reasoning is the full reasoning for the disconnection with my son now. I know its super hard to have children around sometimes. In the past, I've expressed that I never expect him to like my child all the time, as parents don't even like their kids sometimes! That is something I stand by, I'm just mostly worried about the comments of him telling my son he is being annoying during his fits, and what not. My son thinks its funny now, and replies by saying no he is not... .but who knows how long it will take to have an effect

Wonder-
I think that was a great response.  I guess with his response about how you should see that he hasn't had a connection with anyone for a few weeks, you could respond by acknowledging that you have seen that and you can imagine how frustrating/lonely that might feel.  From my experience, validating is more about keeping my own sanity rather than for my W.  Usually when I say something validating she invalidates it or has some snide remark.  I just leave things and that and don't get sucked it.  It is very difficult to do but practicing separating yourself from the emotion and not taking it personally or allowing yourself to get sucked it pays off in that it helps you remain more grounded.  The other part to that though, again from my experience is not to expect anything good from your partner in return.  I have not really noticed any 'good' changes.  My W has raged more since I have started focusing on validating but I am not doing for her as much as I am doing it for me. 
It is a very valid concern about how his comments will affect your son.  I am not sure what the best approach would be regarding that.  it is definitely a tough position to be in.  Hang in there!

Woodchuck

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Wonder,
It's good that you're looking down the line and imagining the impact of your BF's feelings upon your son.   Certainly he's at an age where he has some attachment to your BF, but also young enough to be able to get over it quickly should you decide that you cannot remain in the relationship.

What seems to be a common thread about pwBPD is that they place a higher importance upon their own feelings rather than how their behavior impacts anyone else. This will be a continuing issue as your son gets older and goes through adolescence and becomes less compliant with parental guidance.

You sound like a very thoughtful mother and you are wanting to do the best for your child. Please keep posting more about your situation so that we can help you.

Cat