She panicked and begged to go to therapy saying she’ll do whatever I want. I asked why the change, and she said she still doesn’t believe in it, but wants to save our marriage. So now I’m in a bind. She doesn’t believe in it. I feel it will be a waste of our time. But I am willing to go to therapy with her because I think it can help her. I want to find someone who specializes in marriage counseling AND personality disorders. And I want my wife to know it’s a commitment to therapy or separation. If she bails on therapy after 1-2 meetings, or tells the therapist she doesn’t want to change anything about herself, then I file for separation.
realistic expectations are important here, in whatever you do.
for example, this is a significant swing for her. be hopeful, but be realistic in that she may change her mind, and shut it down before it happens. if this is a deal breaker for you, be prepared to respond accordingly. i wouldnt scold or pounce... .it wouldnt hurt to listen to and validate her concerns... .the idea of therapy makes a lot of people very uneasy, and want to balk, and if she feels good about it, it might allay her concerns.
couples therapy can be a blessing or a disaster, and a lot of the outcome depends on those realistic expectations. often times, a couple will enter therapy with the expectation that the therapist will see everything wrong with the other partner, and fix them. this is an expectation that even if youre aware of it, can be very hard to keep in check.
ideally, a good couples therapist works to hear both of you, and is in it for "the team", not one side. ideally, over time, that couples therapist helps the couple to better get on the same page together, taking into account the full perspective of both parties (the valid and invalid), and the shortcomings and strengths of each.
realistically, that does not occur in one or two sessions. realistically, one or both partners vent everything wrong about the other and try (even unknowingly) to get the therapist to side with them. realistically, expect that your wife may do this. expect that the therapist may validate her concerns and her side of the conflict. realistically, dont do it yourself - dont approach couples therapy this way or of course your wife will be likely to end the sessions. approach it with open ears, and an open mind. listen. try not to be too defensive or present all of the story as you see it in a way that undermines/invalidates (or otherwise JADEs) hers. if you want results, play a longer game, and be constructive. be strong, and be patient.
I’d like feedback on this plan. Am I being fair to her, and to me? Am I getting pullled back in when I should move ahead? I want to respect what I said to her. And I want to be fair and know I’ve handled this whole thing with compassion and fairness. I still love her and want to keep our family intact if I can. I want to be a positive role model for the kids. But I’m not living like this anymore.
if you dont have the patience to play that long game (assuming it goes that way - it might not), be realistic with yourself.
but if you do, approach it as we do on this board. we come here to get perspective on how we contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship, how we can improve things, and clean up our side of the street. sometimes that in itself is a significant improvement, and enough. sometimes, our partners follow our lead, and even thrive. and sometimes, for a variety of reasons, even after weve done that work, the relationship is no longer for us, and fails. when that happens, i think it really helps to be able to say that we put that hard work in, and gave it our all, and i think doing so puts us on a much smoother path.
