being scared of them - not a good enough reason to detach?

[Cromwell]

Its not something ive ever talked much about here but deserves a mention I think.

The unpredictability, the bizzareness, there was hardly anything id be able to say that construed violence, but there definetely was at many times the apprehension of it.

There is much talk about the common feelings, 'love', 'hate'.

Whilst I have encountered some dangerous people in life, some havent been easy to avoid which is my default response. I havent been easily scared, my ex, petite in stature, did not have to actually do anything to project that fear of dealing with someone who is tethering on the edge of insanity.

I think genuine fear based on experience of her doing things that were completely unexpected, as well as learning in time of a pattern of negative outcomes befalling her previous relationships was a good thing to re-channel into detaching, beyond the 'love conquers all' self instilled notions.

I guess "fear" or being "scared" were repressed away very much, but didnt change the fact they were there. In retrospect they manifsted themselves in nightmares as well as developing anxiety issues that just got worse the longer I stayed.

Shes gone, the fear of her (excaberated by post relationship stalking) took longer to go, but ive detached from that too. I know what to do, have taken control back and certainly wont live my life or continue a relationship where there is any evidence of being afraid of a partner - it feels silly to have to state the obvious, but for some reason it came to that point.

"scared to leave" being another form of the emotional abuse; what would become of her? The prior suicide ideations.

In my case, nothing, she had to accept that the game was up and beyond being of the mentality that everything is worth a try, nothing to lose, I think I got to the stage where she has made me an exception.

If there is an iota of fear, or being afraid of your partner or ex, isnt that more than enough reason to leave? Can fear can co-exist with love?

For anyone who might feel there is nothing to be afraid of, id ask to consider digging deeper, it is a feeling I shelved away but shouldn't have. It was a deal-breaker and wouldnt have fit very well into my own generated illusion of the loving relationship I had bought into.

[pearlsw]

Hi Cromwell,

Lots of interesting thoughts here! Thanks for sharing!

I've read this post a few times and what struck me this last time is what you said about "my own generated illusion of the loving relationship I had bought into."

I was wondering, have you had healthier relationships? Did you have something healthier to compare this relationship you are processing to or has this been the bulk of your relationship experience?

How do you feel about love all in all? (This is something I grapple with a bit, a range of viewpoints on it, some practical, some romantic, etc., etc.)

wishing you peace, pearl.

[WindofChange]

I can relate to the being scared thing. My ex scared me in different ways. He threatened suicide several times, and other times hit his head against the wall hard enough to cause a permanent hard knot on his forehead, so I feared for his safety. I definitely did the WOG thing often, for fear of setting off an episode. A few times during arguments he raised his fist at me to make me shut up, and though he never actually hit me, I was afraid he would. He pushed the door out of my hand and slammed it in front of me as I started to walk out to get away from an argument once, and would come into the bedroom after me even when I locked the door (one of those cheap apartment doors that you could stick something into the hole on the other side and turn it). He said he would never put his hands on me, and he didn't, but all of the rest was definitely fear-inducing for me. I'm an average-sized woman, but he is a very tall man and outweighed me by quite a bit.

So, fear on different levels. And you're right, if you're in a relationship and feel that kind of fear, any of it, it should be all the reason you need to leave.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell,

Lots of interesting thoughts here! Thanks for sharing!

I've read this post a few times and what struck me this last time is what you said about "my own generated illusion of the loving relationship I had bought into."

I was wondering, have you had healthier relationships? Did you have something healthier to compare this relationship you are processing to or has this been the bulk of your relationship experience?

How do you feel about love all in all? (This is something I grapple with a bit, a range of viewpoints on it, some practical, some romantic, etc., etc.)

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hi Pearl,

My past relationships were easy going, fun, considerate and whilst I know the word "normal" is something that can be debated to the ends of the earth, ill use it in the classic sense of; a break up would involve either getting bored of one another, fizzling out and wanting to date someone different. I have had a few girlfriends who exhibited red flags, they didnt last but I was in a healthier frame of mind back then. What made my BPDx stand out was that flawless level of rapport, which gets described here often. Even after the cheating, the mind games and the drama - I could still feel comfortable in her company when she was in the 'right' frame of mind. It really was Jekyll and Hyde and if that other side didnt exist, for me she offered everything Id ever have wanted. The illusion was to overlook that other part because if I wouldnt have, it wouldnt have lasted a minute longer, I would have (and did many times) have walked away. The only way it lasted was to overlook what I didnt like and hope it was something transient that would change in time. I put it down to alcoholism, some past issues which I wasnt entirely privvy to, but I thought that with the "power of love" it was nothing that couldnt be worked on. I was wrong - and knew it - yet chose to illusion myself from the hurt she would deploy in cyclical fashion.

not having problematic relationships in the past was a form of handicap, there was no negative experience to compare to. Might sound arrogant but past and present prior to this, if I was sober of mind and not in the vulnerable position I had with my issues when I met her, I wouldnt have went near her or anyone similar with a bargepole. Yet, I cant blame her for doing so, im a believer that we attract like for like, and we shared common ground, I was into alcohol and drugs and we met in those circles. A surgeon doesnt date a girl with a shoe box IQ, unless they are playing around, not seriously dating. I got myself out the rut I was in, I had the romantic notion that I had met a girl that would help me as much as id helped her. In the short term it felt that way, medium to long term I ended up tasking myself unwittingly with an intolerable burden I had to concede I wasnt capable of doing anymore.

Without stigmatising, I have my own personality disorder after all which made it all the more convenient to shelve judgements that I shouldnt have been shelved. A feeling of not wanting to judge, or being seen by myself as some sort of hypocrite in doing so.

WindofChange

 Was I scared when pre-relationship id get a text out of nowhere saying she was suicidal, yep. Did it scare me during the relationship that when I was painted black momentarily that she seemed capable of being fixated that I was the 'enemy' and could have done anything possible to cause destruction. Yep, but still I continued on, and perhaps it is my own doing so that scares me the most. Probably depression which led to apathy of whatever she did and become desensetised to it. Like I said in a former post, it was shocking at first, when you get used to it, just becomes another day, get also accustomed to the adrenaline of the drama. All unhealthy in hindsight - dangerous - scary, but ultimately did not walk away from it, and perhaps that is what scares me the most.

mentally well balanced people dont put up with stuff like that if they have the choice to walk away from it. What made it difficult was the actual fear of walking away, and thats where ive retrospectively learned emotional blackmail came into play - something I hadnt conciously been aware of. She never explicity said "leave and I will hurt myself" (as some have reported) yet she did everything else to get that message across in other ways.

With regards to physical size, it means very little from my experience windofchange, I was told "you have to sleep sometime".

it matters not that you could contrast that with her other side; soft, gentle, kind hearted - wouldnt hurt a fly persona, in the end I didnt get much sleep anymore regardless if it was just "words" at the time, it could have easily been the day that I was completely painted black, viewed as the devil incarnate and in a moment of psychosis induced rage - it matters nothing about physical strength, it was a waiting game of when might it happen, and that is truly what is nerve shattering, wether it actually ever happens or not.

[WindofChange]

With regards to physical size, it means very little from my experience windofchange, I was told "you have to sleep sometime".

it matters not that you could contrast that with her other side; soft, gentle, kind hearted - wouldnt hurt a fly persona, in the end I didnt get much sleep anymore regardless if it was just "words" at the time, it could have easily been the day that I was completely painted black, viewed as the devil incarnate and in a moment of psychosis induced rage - it matters nothing about physical strength, it was a waiting game of when might it happen, and that is truly what is nerve shattering, wether it actually ever happens or not.

In the heat of the moment, with a big man looming over me, his face contorted with rage, I felt afraid.
But once the fight was over, I never thought he'd come after me when I was asleep, thankfully. I was more afraid in other ways because of the suicide ideation.
But to be told "you have to sleep sometime," must have been truly chilling. How could anyone sleep well after that? I can't imagine going through that, and I'm sure it was horrible. To have someone who professes love for you threaten you that way, someone you know to be unbalanced... .I just don't have the words.
You're right in what you said also, how we put up with things that no mentally healthy person would have. I think it's true you become desensitized to it after a while. I'm just learning about trauma bonding--maybe that term applies here? The intermittent emotional abuse and then the love rewards at other times. I think I became drawn in and addicted. The intense emotional ups and downs were a roller coaster I decided I didn't want to ride anymore. Or, as some have referred to it, the crazy train.

[Husband321]

With my ex at times she would also use the suicide angle.

If she treated me wrong, and realized it, she would go to bed and withdraw.  I would come ask if she was ok and she would say something like "well I tried to kill
Myself when I was 18. I know how to and what to do. Don't worry I won't do it in your house"

But my biggest fear was her involving law enforcement.  When she was very angry with me, (her throwing things) she would escalate it and either fake dial police, or actually dial.

One time she calmly told me "look.  I can tell them anything I like.  I am a woman and much smaller than you.  Who do you think they would believe?  You can be in jail at any point in time I choose"

That was the major turning point when I knew I had to seriously think about my safety.  No woman is worth losing your freedom over.  And being so unpredicatable, I have no doubt she could and would follow through if she felt like it.