New to forum, married to a BPD, holding on by my fingernails

[Boll Weevil]

Hi, I'm new to the forum. I've been married almost 30 years. Several grown and almost grown children. My wife used to be wonderful 99% of the time, but she can turn nasty and vicious with no warning. All of these years I thought it was PMS, stress, something in her childhood coming back to bother her, maybe this is normal, etc. But for the last few years the happy part of her has turned to anger and entitlement, and now she is miserable for me to be around. She acts "normal" around other people, but is really mean and ugly to me, and sometimes the children. I went to my pastor and his advice was to apologize for anything and everything, and be more understanding. He would have counselling sessions with us, which were comprised of her complaining about me for 110 minutes, my pastor speaking for 5 minutes, and me speaking for 5 minutes. This was getting nowhere and I was feeling abused, so I went toYoutube and looked up "spousal abuse". Shortly, I noticed that Borderline and Narcicism came up repeatedly. I had never heard of BPD. After listening to many, many videos, I dismissed the NPD, and zeroed in on BPD. The doctors and other people were describing what I was experiencing. One of the videos said "If you are binge watching videos about BPD, you must be in a relationship with one".  Recently I bought "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and "Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD". The books accurately describe my experience, and their advice seems to correlate with my experiences with what actually works.
I am looking forward to learning from others here.
I am hoping to repair this relationship, but honestly, I do not think it would be healthy for me to continue suffering verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse.
Thank you all in advance for you help. Boll Weevil

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Boll Weevil,



Glad to have you with us though it is because you are at your wit's end a bit!

Oh yes, many folks find this site via such searches over the difficult and confusing behaviors they experience via their partners. It is quite eye opening! We hope you stick around to learn, share, and grow with us! A lot of members feel hesitant to post/reply at first, but often find that by working out/thinking out these issues, finding others they can relate to, can help break their isolation and feelings of confusion. As we learn we also help others, even if we are not experts, it just feels good to give and receive support!

Let me first zero in on your mention of physical abuse. What is going on in regards to that? Can you describe/discuss that a bit further. It makes sense to focus on the most extreme, egregious stuff first and then work backwards a bit. Are you safe? In regards to verbal and emotional abuse what is happening?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Boll Weevil,

I"m sorry that you have been experiencing so many difficulties in your marriage and I'm sorry that the counseling you tried with your pastor didn't work out.

One of the important things to start with is to begin looking at how you respond to your W when she starts to get mean. In a typical scenario what to you do or say?

If you are like most of us, you begin to justify, argue, defend, or explain yourself. And once you start doing that, it only causes your W to get more and more angry. WE have a saying around here--"on't JADE". If you truly did nothing wrong, then you don't have to convince her of that. You know the truth. She knows the truth. Instead, focus in on her emotions and what she is trying to tell you with her behavior. Often, pwBPD just want to be validated and to know that you are hearing them.

[Boll Weevil]

The physical abuse would consist of pushing, grabbing my arm or clothing, blocking a door when I wanted to leave the room.  I am much larger than her, so I can grab her hands and hold on until I can get out of the room.  If I go outside to get away, she will come outdoors and begin to assault me or push again.  I have to keep leaving the room/place.  She does not get violent with any kind of a weapon, unless she just happens to have something in her hand when the rage starts.  A glass, plate, some other object.  I can go away for a few hours and the rage is all over. 

I have been trying to follow the advice in Margalis Fjelstad's book "How to stop caretaking the BPD/NPD".  I affirm that I hear her, tell her how it impacts me, tell her what I would like for her/us to do, then tell her what i intend to do if she won't work with me.  It has been very effective.  I can manage the situation, but it is not any fun being married to someone that has to be "managed".

Some of the things that she accuses me or other people of is so outrageous that it is hard not to laugh, much less affirm. 

[pearlsw]

Hi Boll Weevil,

It is very important to give attention to physical abuse as it can escalate and become even more dangerous than what you've described. Walking away from this is a very good idea!

Are you currently experiencing physical abuse? Are you safe?

May I also suggest this resource on Validation Examples

It gives you sense of how to do it. Not validating the invalid is also an important thing to bear in mind.

take care, pearl.