Had some real success with few struggles

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, this last month on the 20th, I married the love of my life. My now wife, is diagnosed BPD. We traveled to Minneapolis, and a close friend of mine and his fiance who is ordained married us. I also posted two ads on two Minneapolis buy sell trade sites on fb marketplace, looking for someone to dress up like John cusack in say anything (her favorite movie and actor) and to stand outside the government building, holding a boombox above his head, playing Peter Gabriel's "in your eyes" (her favirite song) as we left the building to get married outside. She was overwhelmed by this, and cried tears of happiness, as she was touched by what I was able to put together for her. We've had two episodes since, one because our boys were being particular poorly behaved then aggravated by her health, and one brought on because she locked her keys in her car. I was able to help her through each without becoming a target (as well as getting the boys out if the situation so they didn't have to witness or hear any if it). All in all, the four weeks leading up to our marriage, and the time since has been incredible. We've alsp been actively looking for a couples therapist, not because we're struggling, but rather to help us continue our strong bond, and help us continue to grow and keep our relationship strong. The therapy, was her idea, and something I obviously also like the idea of, and was agreed that we would find once we were married. All in all, life has been great. Our relationship is strong. And we're moving forward in a positive direction. It's been pretty incredible. I know we will have moments if struggle, that is inevitable. She is my rock, always has my back, and I hers. Her previous treatment, coupled with my continuing work to better understand her disorder through reading, and actively working with her, i know we will make our relationshio continue to work as we both want it to. Together we're an unstoppable force. I just wanted to share a positive, success story with you all.
Thanks
Bud

[Bud w]

So, this last month on the 20th, I married the love of my life. My now wife, is diagnosed BPD. We traveled to Minneapolis, and a close friend of mine and his fiance who is ordained married us. I also posted two ads on two Minneapolis buy sell trade sites on fb marketplace, looking for someone to dress up like John cusack in say anything (her favorite movie and actor) and to stand outside the government building, holding a boombox above his head, playing Peter Gabriel's "in your eyes" (her favirite song) as we left the building to get married outside. She was overwhelmed by this, and cried tears of happiness, as she was touched by what I was able to put together for her. We've had two episodes since, one because our boys were being particular poorly behaved then aggravated by her health, and one brought on because she locked her keys in her car. I was able to help her through each without becoming a target (as well as getting the boys out if the situation so they didn't have to witness or hear any if it). All in all, the four weeks leading up to our marriage, and the time since has been incredible. We've alsp been actively looking for a couples therapist, not because we're struggling, but rather to help us continue our strong bond, and help us continue to grow and keep our relationship strong. The therapy, was her idea, and something I obviously also like the idea of, and was agreed that we would find once we were married. All in all, life has been great. Our relationship is strong. And we're moving forward in a positive direction. It's been pretty incredible. I know we will have moments if struggle, that is inevitable. She is my rock, always has my back, and I hers. Her previous treatment, coupled with my continuing work to better understand her disorder through reading, and actively working with her, i know we will make our relationshio continue to work as we both want it to. Together we're an unstoppable force. I just wanted to share a positive, success story with you all.
Thanks
Bud

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[pearlsw]

Hi Bud w,

What an uplifting story you have here! Thank you for sharing it!

Can you please share with us more about what tools you use and how well it works?

How many of the traits does she have may I ask?

wishing you lots of happiness, pearl.

[Bud w]

Thanks pearl. She is more or less classic BPD, with a few exceptions. She does not abuse substances, and doesn't engage in some of the dangerous risk seaking behavior.
As far as tools, I use what works for us and our relationship, and what both she, and I have found to work best. Obviously there are situations that still go sideways, and quick, as is normal, I would say if we experience ten episode's, only one or two escalate to the point of yelling or complete shutdown. For me, what I've found on my own, and been shown by her is to number one, not react when possible. Engage when confronted, but don't invalidate what she's feeling. Often times, if it's just too much, and I see things escalating, I ask for her to look me in my eyes calmly, tell her I love her, and that I'm gonna go for a walk and I'll be back in a bit. Good rule of thumb for us, is usually anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. I usually take an hour, just to be SURE enough time is given for her to self sooth as best as possible. Obviously sometimes more time is needed, sometimes less. I'm getting proficient at guaging this now. Others, all I need to do is go to a different room for half an hour and it's enough. It really depends on the level she's at, as to what I do, and how much time I take. It's good for both of us. She can sooth herself, I can collect my thoughts, and also sooth myself, as these can be tense, hurtful (i am admittedly pretty sensitive, but have found it to be an advantage as long as im willing to work through whatever happened without holding it against her, which i dont have an issue with, as i know its out of her control) and sometimes a little scary. Once I come back, I talk to her. Ask her if she's ok. I make sure not to place blame, or purposely try to make her feel bad about what happened. I am able to tell her my feelings on what transpired, and also get her view on it. Then, we move forward. I've learned that 99% of the time, it's nothing I have done to trigger her, and therefore have learned to let her get it out first, without trying to stop her, or fix the situation as it's going, but rather come back to it after, speak on it, and gameplan on how we can try and avoid whatever caused it in the future. In June, she got very sick and nearly died due to negligence of the hospital she WAS (she's now seeing my primary at a different hospital) going to. I stayed with her for 8 days. Every moment outside of going home to make sire the animals were fed, walked and loved on for a short bit, was spent next to her, making sure she was actually getting takem care of, making sure the nurses who were rude or short, stayed out of our room and that the good ones stuck around. When we got home after the eighth day, she told me she knew without a doubt, that she was ready to marry me. She saw me prove myself time afyer time over those eight days. Proving I wouldn't ever leave her side in time of need. Something I think a lot of BPD sufferers search for. I wish I could have proved it anither way,  it this was the hand we were dealt, and I wasn't about to let her be alone, without support. That stay in the hospital, our interactions during it, both good and bad, forever changed the dynamic of our relationship, for the better. Domt get me wrong, we will still have times of struggle. There will still be episodes. Sometimes I will struggle to figure out what to do, and wonder if what I'm doing is right. But I choose to be here. I want to be here. I want to be her biggest supporter, just like she is for me. No outburst, no ___ty tone, no anger or quarrel has changed how I feel. I'm still as wild about her as the day I met her years ago. Nothing has changed except for how we have learned to coincide together.
To sum up my technique, I try and keep my reactions to a minimum. I guage where she is at. I make a decision on whether to stay and work it out then, or tale a time out and revisit it in the near future. If I leave, I reaffirm my love, and steadfast stance at her side. When I return, I don't blame, but rather we share our sides, and talk through it.  Again, once all is said nd done, I reaffirm that there is no where, no one, I would rather share my life with, and nothing will stop me from spending it with her. These things work for us, but i cant soeam for other's.
Bud

[Bud w]

One more quick note. I must have cursed in that. Didn't even realize it as I wrote it. Got a mouth like a sailor. Sorry. I will watch my use of words more carefully. Whoops

[SunandMoon]

Hi Bud w

Congratulations on your marriage! I hope it's a long and happy one, growing together.

It is so good to read stories of hope on here! You sound like you've got a lot working for you, as well as a lot of understanding and compassion for your wife.

Thanks for sharing!