Introduction: Thought I could take abuse for the good of the children, need out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I believe now I have spent many years married to a BPD spouse.  Recently learned about BPD and it seems all the dots are connecting.  I have understood for sometime that I am in an abusive relationship but thought I could take it for the good of my children.  It seems clear now that they are also affected and I may actually be hurting them rather than helping them by keeping this relationship together.  I think I need out but that scares me.

[Trilian]

I believe now I have spent many years married to a BPD spouse.  Recently learned about BPD and it seems all the dots are connecting.  I have understood for sometime that I am in an abusive relationship but thought I could take it for the good of my children.  It seems clear now that they are also affected and I may actually be hurting them rather than helping them by keeping this relationship together.  I think I need out but that scares me.

[maxsterling]

Hi,  Trilian, Welcome.  I'm glad you found this website.  I remember when I first read about BPD and my jaw hit the floor.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation?  How old are your children?  How long have you been married?  A relationship with a BPD partner is often abusive at times.  Leaving a long term relationship is difficult enough, let alone untangling from an abusive one.  How did you learn about BPD?

 

[Mutt]

Hi Trilian,

 

I’d like to join maxsterling and welcome you to the site. I’d like to echo maxsterling, leaving a r/s is complicated, I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here to us. What behaviours did you see that made you start searching for an answer? What was going on

[Cat Familiar]

Hello Trilian,
   As a child of a BPD mother, I agree that you are right to be concerned about how her behavior is impacting the kids. Can you describe what is going on currently in your relationship that concerns you?

Cat

[Trilian]

You know, I guess it says something about this situation, that I am really reluctant to disclose much even under a pseudonym.  

I have a teen daughter that is able to articulate the feelings of never being enough for her mother, feeling worthless and discouraged.  Being on the receiving end of sudden bouts raging.  I have begun to tell her this is not her fault, and it is not something she can fix.  She is more than enough, literally an amazing person. I think she would get some help and understanding from viewing her mom through the BPD lens, but I think she might also become very worried about the possibility that she develop the same disorder.

To the comment about abuse, yes, this is a verbally abusive relationship. It has taken a long time to admit that.

I fear that I am doing harm by staying in this relationship, because I can't always protect my kids.  But I also think there are unknown harms and consequences associated with divorce.  As a child of divorced parents I feel a strong obligation to make it work.

The thing that lead me here was researching a solution to the anger I see in my spouse.

[Red5]

Hello Trilian!, and welcome!

The thing that lead me here was researching a solution to the anger I see in my spouse.

I as well, .January was a year ago now.

I remember being at my wits end, ready to give up... .I kept thinking, "it must be me"?

Then I started to search the internet, looking for similar circumstances, and I wound up here, via several other stops along the way.

I remember the first time I read about BPD, its was like... .wow !... .this is exactly what is going on with my own marriage.

Like reading the "secret file" that was left unattended, and finally learning who really "shot who"... .yes, I have learned so much in the last year and a half.

Please tell us more, as you are able, and feel comfortable.

I too was being "verbally abused", .and I was enabling it too, ie' joining in, and of course that led to even rougher times.

Again, welcome !

Best Regards, Red5

[Trilian]

At first this was very relieving to see plainly this is a personality disorder and not my fault.  That the abusive behavior is not in fact personal, gives me some breathing room and the ability to let it hurt me less.

But to be honest, a lifetime of managing this seems exhausting.  It is already exhausting.  I just don't see how I get any relief from it.  A lifetime of vigilance trying to manage my partner.  How do I get to the "not walking on eggshells" part?  It's good to be learning the mechanics of what is happening, but where is the relief?

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Trilian,
Certainly it's a relief to know that odd behaviors that our partner is manifesting originate in a personality disorder. It takes the blame off us, and as you've experienced, partners with BPD tend to blame their spouses. The reason they do is that they feel so much shame within and it becomes intolerable to contemplate any of their own failings, and so much easier to project the fault externally (onto us). 

Yes, it's exhausting to climb out of the hole that we've found ourselves in and relief seems like a mirage in the desert. It's not an overnight fix to learn the tools and it's taken many years for you to find yourself in the weary state that you're now in. As you've said, you've spent a lifetime of vigilance trying to manage her.

Well I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you'll learn that you don't have to do a lot of the efforting that you've been doing all these many years. That will save a lot of energy. The bad news is that you will need to learn some new tools and it takes time to incorporate them into your behavior in a way that's easy and natural. Then there's good news again: as you begin to utilize the tools, you will no longer be triggering your partner in unforeseen ways and you will be able to cope with her emotional labilities that are endemic to BPD with a variety of skillsets and strategies.

That said, some relationships are more difficult to cope with than others, since BPD is a spectrum disorder. I've experienced both ends of the spectrum--from violent, raging behavior to mildly irritable dysfunction, having had an extreme case with my ex-husband and now a milder one with my current husband who is high-functioning.

What sorts of issues are you dealing with, other than how your wife undermines your daughter's self esteem? I've got a little experience there myself, having had a BPD mother who was a control freak.

I heartily recommend what you're doing with your daughter!    It's very wise to tell her that her mother's behavior toward her is not her fault and is not something she can fix.    That's very reassuring. As a teenager, she can understand her mother's disorder from an emotional dysregulation perspective and you might approach conversations with her, keeping that in mind. (I'm thinking something like treating it as a "learning disability"--"Your mother never learned that step, like you have, about being able to manage her emotions." If she's interested in knowing more, then you can talk with her about mental illness. I don't think she'd necessarily be concerned that it might affect her if you can validate her for having the social skills that her mother lacks.)

I would hope that members with kids who've had these sort of conversations might chime in with ways they've managed to communicate about their spouse to their children.

Take a deep breath, Trilian. You can make things better for yourself and your children. It's a marathon, not a sprint.   

Cat