So last night, I opened up the topic with my new T: why did I fall apart in this relationship? I'm strong, resilient, independent, flexible, and I've seen some stuff in my lifetime, gotten through it, and have come out the other side whole... .Is your life falling apart? Go talk to Lighthouse.
Hi Lighthouse, I love your post. I can so relate to much of what you write. I could have written the above word for word.
My r/s was different than yours. It was long distance, of short duration - a few months. When he left, which he did in layers, first "let's just be friends" then ghosting, it was disappointing to me but it would have been easy to bounce back, I've been through so many ups and downs that it would have taken a few weeks to weather it and then done.
But that was just the beginning. I've concluded that my ex is probably more narc than anything, although he has bp issues, and his "parting gift" has been a year-plus of cyber-stalking. I've written in more detail elsewhere here but suffice to say the past year has turned my life inside out and I find it hard to trust now. I've given up a lot of on-line activity including internet dating. I've had to purchase all new devices because he ruined my old, and changed phone numbers a couple of times. Ultimately I'll be forced to move because my home address is associated with my phone numbers. So spent thousands of dollars defending myself against him and attempting to regain my privacy. I'm currently on a disability pension while he's a CEO, and this is wrong on so many levels. Anyway I say this to share that my stress came not out of the r/s but its aftermath.
If there's a silver lining it's that I now know more about electronic security than most of my friends. I'd go into this field except I don't really enjoy it. Not surprisingly.
So why, oh why, I asked my T, did I crumble in my marriage? Why did I fall apart into a mess of anxiety and OCD and gain a bunch of weight and turn into a shell of a human being?
You're not alone in this. I've had my share of tough times, but nothing has ever affected me this way. I also gained weight and became anxiety ridden and depressed to the point where day after day, all I could do was sit and stare. I couldn't crack a joke for the better part of a year. For months I had panic attacks, my hair fell out in clumps. These things have improved but I'm still going through it, still I'm not "me."
So like you I'm left trying to make lemonade out of lemons.
I sent my ex an email a couple weeks ago hoping he'd get in touch directly so this cyber-stalking would end, by mutual agreement, or even just because if we had direct contact I thought maybe, just maybe he would be shamed into giving up this other life he has. Maybe he would step out of the shadows and be his best self. If he stopped this wayward behavior, it would augment my healing. It takes courage to own your stuff, and the more deviant the behavior the more courage it takes. For so long I thought of him as lion-hearted, a man who must have the courage within to fight this stuff inside him. I admired him, after what he's been through ... .I don't know his story, just glimpses he shared with me, but I'm sure it was horrible or he wouldn't behave this way. I wanted to feel his humanity and know that he felt mine, to make peace.
But no response. He's still in hiding. He's a narc. He's a cockroach, turn on the light and he runs. More than anything now, when I think of a narc I think, Coward. He tried to bully me into isolation because he knows I moved to a new city and have needed to meet new friends. When I moved here I thought he would be one of those friends, even if he wanted nothing more a friend is of value. But no. He apparently found me terrifying. Bullies are cowards, we all know that.
I'm long on compassion and forgiveness, but I need to see people's effort to do right, even if they fail often and only succeed sporadically. But this man never even tried to make amends or do right by me.
Those of you that have been diagnosed with CPTSD probably understand what I'm saying here, and my T did bring up that it was the constant nature of the subtle bad stuff that made me crumble. ... .I remember how good I am at enduring discomfort and even enjoying my own crazy relentlessness. I'm one of those nut jobs that smiles in the face of pain and likes to run head first into tough situations.
I haven't discussed a formal dx with my therapist, I wonder if it is this. I can relate to this bolded section. This week I asked her to do some EMDR with me to help me get past.
The "running head first into tough situations" -- I so relate to this career-wise, in fact crisis management is part of what I've done, as well as event production. I love solving problems and putting out fires in different situations.
I'm not just talking about hard workouts - I'm talking about grief and disaster, too.
A while back, my cousin was brutally murdered and the crime is still unsolved.
I'm so very sorry about your cousin. I admire the way your mother handled the visit and you were there with her, standing for your aunt and uncle. I can't imagine what they're going through.
My T said what I suspected - that when you can't rely on somebody, when you can't have expectations, when the target is constantly moving, it's easy to turn inward and make maladaptive ploys at control through OCD stuff.
This makes sense. People who are mentally tough tend to fix things, then blame ourselves when we can't. But these r/s make it very clear how much is out of our hands. If a pwbp has real courage, they CAN turn themselves around, but if they lack that courage or lack motivation because their lives are just enough to be livable as they are, they won't help themselves. In which case no one on the outside can do anything. It's truly up to each of us to be our best self, and the yearning to do so can only come from within. Some of us are inspired by others to dig deep, find our shadows and bring them into the light. I know others, many others, have inspired me, and I might be some people's inspiration. But some are impervious.
I bring all of this up because I'm exploring a major career/life change and part of that exploration means really getting a sense of my capabilities and insecurities. I'm getting real with my therapist because I want to be diligent about this process and have some accountability as I conduct my exploration. A friend of mine recently challenged me: "You're attracted to healing dysfunction and running head first at dysfunction - maybe it's time to explore that vocationally and not in your relationships?" That comment has been ringing in my head and I'm doing the vocational exploration now - which comes with another question of "what kind of relationship would I have to be in, in order to be sustainable in that work?" Certainly not one with someone who doesn't have a stable sense of self, or won't get support for that challenge.
Kudos to you for re-examining your career! This is a brilliant response to what you've been through. Victor Frankl (doctor, author and concentration camp survivor) identified how crucial it is to our surviving and thriving to make meaning out of our experiences, and this is exactly what you're doing.
I had a budding new career in a field I've longed to be in my entire life, and in the past year I've stalled and have done almost no work in this. I've also felt terrible guilt for "letting" this experience bring me to my knees when in the big picture it's just the actions of some moron loser who can't handle having an intimate relationship so this is apparently his "thing." Has absolutely zero to do with me, except that I became ensnared in his life and twisted effed up brain. I was a fly that flew into his spider's web.
I wish you well, I do believe you are on the right path.
