Seeking advice/encouragement

[Massconfusion18]

Not sure where to begin. Been married 7 years, it’s been a rollercoaster to say the least. Long term pattern of verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional affair, threats of suicide etc. It all came to a climax about six months ago. Couldn’t make any sense of the behavior until I discovered this site and other resources about that same time.

I gave her an ultimatum and said we have to go to counseling or I was going to move out. She fought the idea at first, but ultimately agreed to go. There have been some minor improvements in our relationship since we started. She thinks it’s a result of me finally improving my behavior. I have benefited greatly from seeking out individual therapy as well to address some of my own issues (she doesn’t know I’m seeing another therapist).

My heart breaks for her because I know a lot of this has to do with her upbringing. Against the advice of her doctor and our counselor, she refuses to consider individual therapy or medication. I think she is making a conscious effort to keep a lid on the violent outbursts. For the past month, things have been relatively calm. Part of this is due to her not being in school or working. I’m worried things are just bubbling up below the surface waiting to explode.

We put an offer in on a house this week. There’s a nagging feeling in my gut that I may have just made a big mistake. On one hand, I don’t want to put life on hold waiting for things to improve to some arbitrary level. On the other hand, my therapist pointed out that unless she acknowledges that she needs help that things will never change. Wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it’s something I needed to hear.

 Just so confused right now.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Massconfusion,

I hear ya! I feel like I've been stuck in limbo for years now. I feel like the most I could ever "celebrate" with my SO is a week anniversary despite being "together" 7.5 years. (That is almost not an exaggeration.)

Good luck, I think, on the house! That is an amazing feeling to own a house!

There is a lot to read and learn about here. I don't want to throw a bunch of readings at you right out the gate, but the tools here can make a difference - for yourself and for your partner.

She is going to therapy, but she does not acknowledge anything might be wrong? Can you elaborate on that a bit please if you like.

What are her patterns like? What makes her explode?

with compassion, pearl.

[braveSun]

Hey Massconfusion   
I would like to join pearlsw and welcome you to BPD family.

It's a good thing that you have reached out. Like you, I have started to read other people's stories and it did help me understand better what I was going through. I am over 18 years into my relationship with my partner, now married for two years. I found that posting, and interacting on other people's posts has helped a lot to develop a sense of community with people who are getting what it's like.

It's also good news that there has been improvements in your relationship. At least the changes you bring are having a bit of an effect. I can understand your concerns about her not wanting to seek support for herself. Mine too, is not wanting to get therapy. She is thinking I am the person with issues. One way to look at this is that she needs to make her own experiences. She would have to be the one who seeks that type of support for herself. In he meantime, there are plenty of things we can learn on our side of things.

  There’s a nagging feeling in my gut that I may have just made a big mistake. On one hand, I don’t want to put life on hold waiting for things to improve to some arbitrary level. On the other hand, my therapist pointed out that unless she acknowledges that she needs help that things will never change. Wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but it’s something I needed to hear.

I can relate to that gut feeling as well. I have that in my own relationship. There is the presence of emotional instability. Your gut is probably telling you to be cautious about your expectations for the future. Do you have fixed arrangements about the house ownership, mortgage payments, insurance? Are you the one who will be expected to pay for most of it?

Those are big steps. And you're right about not wanting to put your life on hold.

Your therapist has pointed out an important truth indeed. Does she know about your move on the house?

Brave

[Massconfusion18]

Thanks for the response Pearl. She has been going to couples counseling, but sees no need for individual counseling. Our counselor has suggested it to her, but she is adamant that if I would just change my ways, everything would be good in our relationship. She is very defensive and will completely shut down if the counselor asks the wrong question. Her dr prescribed an ssri but she refuses to even give it a try.  As far as triggers go, it can be anything really. It can be set off by something as simple as the pillows on the couch not being straight or me not doing laundry the “right way”. A day or two later I can do things the same way and she doesn’t even bat an eye. The cycle usually consists of 3-4 days of me being the best guy on earth to 5-7 days of me being the most incompetent man to ever live.

Brave- I appreciate the feedback. I think you hit the nail on the head about the emotional stability or lack thereof. I did tell my therapist about the house. I told her my mindset was that worst case scenario our relationship falls apart and I’m out the down payment on a house. It wouldn’t be ideal, but I know I’d survive. The mortgage is in my name.