Addicted to contact with BPDex - how do I move on?

[Emcat]

Okay... .this is hard to write   I have been reading here for a while and have finally worked up the courage to make my first post. This is difficult primarily because I feel that this also means admitting to myself that I have a problem. I would very much welcome any advice as I feel that I am at bit of a loss.

To make a long story short: 20 years ago I was in a short relationship with a woman with BPD. I did not know at the time - neither did she - but I knew that I thought that she was the love of my life. She left me for another, and it totally wrecked me - the pain of her leaving me is like nothing I have ever experienced before or after. It struck me at such a core level of my being that I think it changed me somehow. We lost touch, and I did not see or hear from her in ten years. As time passed, I thought that I got over her and I met and married another woman, a kind-hearted and benevolent woman, who I am still married to this day. I love her deeply, there was just never this magical sexual chemistry between her and I that I felt with BPDex.
Ten years ago, out of the blue, my ex befriended me and sent me a message on Facebook. It was as if I had been struck by lightning - all the feelings that I thought that I had suppressed rushed back just by seeing her picture. She wrote me that time had been rough on her, that she had been in psychiatric care for years, had been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD as a result of her father's violent sexual abuse of her as a child. (I did not know this when we were together.)

What happened was that we struck up something akin to a friendship and began seeing each other again with the full knowledge of my spouse. What my spouse did not know, however, was that this friendship took on the character of emotional infidelity. My exBPD has declared her love for me several times and wanted to have a sexual relationship with me, but I have always restrained myself in spite of really, really wanting to give in. It is/was as if I have always known that what I was doing - the emotional infidelity - was bad enough, at least I didn't cheat physically is what I have always told myself. This has been going on for ten years.

My problem is that I feel - literally - that I am addicted to contact with my ex. I cannot count the times that I have told myself that I should not be in touch with her, erased her number on my phone, etc. because I know that it is not good for me nor my marriage, yet I always come back for more. We text, mostly, on a semi-daily basis. I would really, really like to break this habit on one side, because I can feel that BPDex is not good for me and occupies way too much headspace in my life, on the other, I really don't want to lose contact with her, because it is like a drug for me.
I feel so pathetic. I know that BPDex is no good for me, that of course we should not be together - the irrational side of me, however, is so incredibly sexually attracted to her and uses contact with her as a pick-me-up. I feel like a junkie. I am sorry if this sounds jumbled and does not make much sense... .I am just really at a loss as to how I can get out of this situation. Any advice would be very much appreciated - thanks so much!  

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[pearlsw]

Hi EmilyCat,



Glad you have joined us though I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I can imagine this must be quite difficult! You get along, there is chemistry, attraction, but you aren't in an open relationship and see that it feels addictive.

Okay, if this was the story your best friend presented to you about their life what would you suggest?

If you can step aside from the addictive part, what does your head tell you is the right thing to do? (No matter how hard doing it might be.)

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Emcat]

Dear Pearl,

Thank you very much for your kind welcome and reply 

If this was happening to my best friend, I would tell him or her to quit all contact with his/her BPDex. To stay out of trouble - that he/she was in a good marriage and to work on that. But that's the thing, I guess... .I rationally know that this is the right thing to do, it's just so damn hard to cope with when my entire body seems to crave this "drug."

[pearlsw]

Dear Pearl,

Thank you very much for your kind welcome and reply  

If this was happening to my best friend, I would tell him or her to quit all contact with his/her BPDex. To stay out of trouble - that he/she was in a good marriage and to work on that. But that's the thing, I guess... .I rationally know that this is the right thing to do, it's just so damn hard to cope with when my entire body seems to crave this "drug."

Hi Emcat,

I hear ya! I used to give my friends by the book relationship advice and it was just fine. But when you get into these straights yourself... .wow is it rough.

I am sure it feels like an addiction, which gives you a choice I guess, cold turkey or the patch - slowly weaning yourself off.

I'd say one option is to come here and post away every time you would want to write to this person. We're always here!

It's basically a break up and you can either be direct and firm about it or just drop it. You have the whole spectrum to choose from. After 10 years I imagine a cold drop would not feel right? But how much hand holding and talking it over do you want to do? You can practice "the talk" here. If I miss a post on this ping me and I'll come by! You are not alone!

with compassion, pearl.