Mother told me I'm evil and to move out

[DaugofBPDMO]

My mom has BPD traits. In 2012 she attempted suicide, she has never been able to get a long with others or maintain any relationships outside of our immediate family, she loves me one minute that hates me the me the next. I have been her confident and object of hatred for as long as I can remember. In February my dad died. We were living with my parents because my husband lost his job. I didn’t want to move in because I knew it would be toxic. Long story short we stayed and haven’t left because she didn’t want us to abandon her in her tomw of need. Flash forward 6 months. My mom is loosing the home. She flipped out on me and told me not to call her my mother anymore and told me I’m evil and a slew of profanity. She told me to move out. I’m heart broken and sad that my only living parent is treating me this way. How do I proceed without reacting rashly?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi DaugofBPDMO, 

Thank you for sharing your introduction, and I must say I am so sorry for the awful way your uBPDm is treating you. How very sad and so so hurtful! Those of us here, adult survivors of a pwBPD, really do understand the unique pain that comes from trying to make it with a parent like this. My mom was also uBPD. You'll find so much support and understanding here amongst us. We have a great list to the side of our board that I'd encourage you to check out. Be sure and click on any that you are interested in exploring more. ------>> >>

Here is a link of a place to start with your mom as you begin to unentangle yourself. It is a great tool to use and very helpful: SET 

What does your future look like for you in regard to your hopes and dreams for you and your husband? Do you have children?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Wools

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am sorry for the situation that brought you here and especially sorry about the passing of your father but glad you found us.  We can all relate to having a family member with BPD or BPD traits so you are in the right place for support, understanding and even advice regarding what has helped us in similar situations.

Can you think of what may have caused your mom to flip out or is it possibly related to the stress of your fathers passing along with losing her home?  I am not looking to excuse her behavior, rather to understand it.  Sometimes being able to link this sort of behavior to a reason can help us understand and process the events.   

Being sworn at and told you are evil is quite painful and I am sorry for that.  Sometimes pwBPD (people  with BPD) will experience difficult emotions they have no way or processing and instead of trying to manage them, they project them onto those who are closest to them.  Are you familiar with Projection?  Projection is a defense mechanism, operating unconsciously, in which what is emotionally unacceptable in the self is unconsciously rejected and attributed (projected) to others.  Projection is denying one's own unpleasant traits, behaviors, or feelings by attributing them, often in an accusing way,  to someone else. Projection can be quite confusing and painful to be on the receiving end of it.

Recognizing what may be happening with your mother again is not to excuse her behavior but it makes it easier to distance yourself emotionally so you are in a better place to act in ways that are healthy for you.  How are you at setting boundaries with your mother?  Having strong boundaries is vital to having a working or workable relationship with a pwBPD.

As you share more of your story we will be better able to guide and support you.  I hope to hear more from you soon.

[DaugofBPDMO]

Quotes from my mother:

“F*** you, you disrespectful piece of s***.  I hope you get you wish and I drop dead.”

“F*** off don’t call me your mother.”

“No B*****. Typical spoil ass. you think you boss People around with your evil selfish ways. if its not good for you ___ everybody else your ___ing evil like that. Your too SPOIL & SELFISH TO SEE IT ANY IT OTHER WAY THAN YOUR OWN WAY!”


Context-yesterday I was crying and telling her I’m afraid for the day she passes because my dad passed in February. I came home from work and went to eat dinner while I was watching tv on my phone. She was on the phone and told me to leave the room. I refused I lowered my phone trying to compromise. But because I didn’t leave she got very angry at me.”

[Harri]

To be called those things and have such accusations made by your mother is devastating.  I am sorry she is doing tis and I am sorry she can't see you through all of her own dysfunction.   She is lashing out and probably full of fear (of her own death or abandonment for example).

Her words, as hurtful as they are, are not about you.  How could they be?  She can't even see you due to her own pain.

While requesting you go in another room to watch TV is not unreasonable, the way she reacted after that is. 

How are things today?

[zachira]

You are heartbroken and sad that your mother is abusing you, especially how the abuse has escalated since your father died. She is your only living parent, and would like to have a better relationship with her which seems impossible as she has treated you badly your whole life. I believe you are asking how to deal with how terrible you feel and how to have a better ending to your relationship with your mother before she passes on. How old is your mother? Is there any possibility of getting her some mental health treatment? Can you tell us more about the relationship with your father? We are here to listen and support you. Let us know how we can help and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Turkish]

That's a lot of vile poison she's spewing your way.  No one deserves that. 

What do you think would be doing something rash? Moving out doesn't seem more a rash move, but one of self preservation.