I Think I made progress today...

[Samson1234@]

Hello,

I have posted before but I haven't really documented my story, because we all have horror stories don't we and they are all on the same lines, to the poster it hurts but we all know its temporary so we basically just say nice meaningless things because really what can you say that would actually help? Its a matter for them to come to terms with! But today I think I turned a corner and maybe this is where I could do something useful, who knows... .Really this is probably more helpful to me, writing this down and telling people, I have been having a tough time.


My Background... .


I met this girl at work, troubled past, interesting, exciting, fun, ridiculously attractive to me, 15 years younger... .her mother had murdered her brother 5 years ago and she said she had been diagnosed with ptsd, she was having EMDR therapy for that


We clicked fast and became best friends, we started out meeting for cig breaks, short 15 minute talks about life, patners, her ptsd, her therapy for that, her issues at work, how much her colleagues bullied her, her life,  and that's where our relationship grew, for a year as friends, within months best friends, then there was attraction... She had this ex, matt, big topic, he was a dick to her, wouldn't have sex with her, wouldn't go out with her, embarrassed by her, she said he was controlling and ashamed of her... .they split up a lot and she had slept with people in those times, in the end she blocked him. He text her all the time which she ignored, the most recent saying he thought she had BPD, what a dick he was... .


At first I wanted her but she was still dealing with a recent (2-3 month ago) split from (poor?) matt, a relationship of 7 years. So I started a relationship with someone else, but there were sparks between us, everyone saw it. Then she had a "rebound" relationship which ended after a month because she told him, pissed, by text, that she loved him. She ended it with him because he replied, off his face on lcd, that he loved her too and that freaked her out.


Weeks later we got together. Yey me!


She had been saying for months and months that she was being bullied at work and just after we got together she went to the union, told them and they commenced a formal grievance. She also told them abut an incident where she was sexually assaulted at work by another employee. She went off work sick and those processes continued, me and her were amazing... .amazing fun, amazing sex, she was AMAZING with my kids who loved her, she treated me like i could never imagine to be treated!


One day she got me a card, it said thank you for everything you have done for me and everything i know you will do for me. I loved it, i put it on display in my house. I told her i had done that... .and i got my first rage... .20 minutes of screaming, crying abuse! I had apparenntly taught her that we cant have anything special between us (reason being my son, who is 7, might have seen it and therefore it wasnt just about us). She told me to never speak to her again. I was shellshocked by this! I have never seen such a reaction to something that was to me so minor!


The next day she had a meeting about the sexual assault, she was being interviewed about her version of events by her employer. We had not made any plans for me to go with her (she had a union rep picking her up, going with her, bringing her home) and we had broken up the day before in some kind of bizarre screaming row. I ignored her request to never speak to her again and i texted her "hope your meeting today goes well"

I got rants before and after the meeting... .I had let her down, i hadnt been there fore her, i had promised her i could handle her emotions and id proven i couldnt by not being there for her, i had lied to her about being able to handle her emotions (when all id seen previously was a happy laughing friend) and by not being there i was "punishing" her and that i had lied about all this over the past year in order to "groom" her so i could manipulate her into a relationship with me. What the actual... .!

We got over this, everything was amazing, but these rages continued here and there... .there is so much more, you know the story i guess. Headlines are telling me she was in love with my at 1am, by text, off her face on coke after a month of being together and raging cos i wanted to talk in person about that rather than text her the same back, rages about my kids watching cartoons when she got out of bed (at 12pm!), stuff like that.

After a few months she said the stress of the grievances and everythng was too much, she didnt know how she would pay her rent when her sick pay ran out, she had ptsd triggers over her brothers murder everywhere she went in this city and she had a small payout coming from a compo claim against her work where she broke her foot... .she wanted to move to another city two hours drive away using that money in about 6 months and so there was no point us continuing our relationship, it would just hurt more when she inevitably left and she ended it.

three days later she text me "ive made a terrible mistake... .", we get back together and a week later we are done again. I dont chase her and generally no contact since then other than a few "hey you", "hope youre ok" type texts from her. Harshest one i got said "I hope im allowed my best friend back one day". I had replied to her but i have never started textingher


Its been so hard for me! I have so strong feelings for her, and noone else outside of this place gets what i mean when i say when she was good she was amazing... .SHE WAS AMAZING! but the freakouts and rages that only i ever saw were not so nice, and there were a great many!


I have really been struggling with this! I have lost best part of two stone in a month, drink every single day, at my worst moment i briefly contemplated suicide. I have done a lot of thinking baout this, reading about this etc. And thus the point of this loong post... .a number of things seem to have crystalised in my head.


1. Im certain this is BPD!


2. Maybe matt (her ex) wasnt a controlling dick abusive dick! Maybe he was treated this way too, and maybe he was ashamed and embarrassed to be out with her in public, maybe he didnt want to sleep with her because she had killed all emotion with her endless raging, maybe he was trying to help her with his suggesting she had BPD

3. If thats true im just the next random foll stupid enough to let her cross my path, a meaningless nothing to her insatiable emotional maelstrom!

4. If she was soo amazing, so beautiful, so good for my kids, so fun and exciting... .why i am googling "abusive relationships" and looking and reading everything on BPD forums and seeing such stark contrasts with others

5. Why if what i think is right (she has BPD, i meant nothing to her, it was an abusive relationship, i had had a REALLY lucky escape) then why am i so sad and depressed abut it ending?

6. Maybe that i am seeing these things, asking these questions, means im strting to come out of the FOG?

7. Many woman are sexy, and fun, and exciting, and would love my kids... .but they wouldnt attack me, make me feel like im worthless or grooming them... .

8. She was a massive drug user and why does it not bother me that id tolerate my kids being around that if i could still have her? It should! Whats wrong with me?

9. Finally, the big one im thinking of right now... .why didnt i call her out the first time she raged at me? If i told her that if she ever spoke to me like that again od be gone and then done that if she did, then id have escaped all this pain... .why didnt i?

Long i know, just my stupid brainthoughts... .

[Samson1234@]

I have remembered some other things she said that im thinking abut... .just one liners she said... .

Once early on, I said to her... .""L", im not responsible for your happiness" and she looked at me so shocked and said "of course you are"... .but I really don't think I am am I? I want to be a happy person and have someone who makes my awesome life even more awesome, I don't want to feel like I do right now in that I need someone to be happy?

Also she has a HUGE number of superficial friends, everyone LOVES her but no one knows her, is that usual?

She had a friend down once from wales (about  5 hours on coach to see her for a week) and her brother came down to go on a night out with us, she said to them both "don't you two do anything (meaning sexually) together or you'll be dead to me", she made a big deal of that. They didn't but me and her came home early and when they came back she said they were cuddling when she answered the door and they came up and she was just sat there shaking with rage, I could see, feel, sense it coming! she threw her brother out at midnight, he was drunk so couldn't drive and lives 15 miles away! Her friend was so drunk she was barely conscious and she was shaking her awake and raging at her, so intense! When my "L" woke up at midday her friend was gone and she just deleted her from facebook.

I don't know if these are good or bad things, im doubting my perceptions so much right now

[babyducks]

Hi Samson,

I understand exactly what you mean.    I spent a long time doubting my own perceptions, and trying to make sense out of what I went through in my relationship.    I think that's pretty natural  for those of us who were in high conflict relationships.    these are not normal break ups.

really what helps, although I admit I didn't believe it would,   really what helps is telling our story over and over and over again... .because every time we tell it,  another little glimmer will become clearer,  another little part will make sense,  another little piece will shift into perspective.    it's a way to process, and to understand the journey we just took.    just like it says in step three of detaching.

I think maybe seeing these things, asking these questions, means the FOG is starting to lift.

for me, I never ran into some one who projected their behaviors the way my Ex did.   I had no idea how that worked, or what it even meant.   I had never met some one who lived in a distorted reality so much of the time.   It took some time to pull apart what was Real and what was Not Real.

it's okay to be sad and depressed about the relationship ending.   it meant a lot to you.   just like mine did to me.   I put my best efforts into making my relationship work and I grieved it when it fell apart.   I had hopes for the future that also came crashing down and that just really hurt.

I think you are asking really good questions.    let me turn one of them right around and ask you ... .what do you think it means that you didn't tell her not to speak to you that way,... .not to rage at you?


'ducks

[Samson1234@]

I always thought I was well rounded, had a good upbringing with kind good parents, no past issues, I had a really tough divorce from a narc 4 years ago... .so, if im honest, I think I let this one treat me like she did because I must have a terrible low opinion of myself, of what I deserve, of what I want and how I should be treated and my divorce is all I can think of to attribute to that... .

[Educated_Guess]

Letting myself be treated the way that I was because I thought that I deserved it or that was all I was worth was a big issue for me.  As long as I thought that way, I was at her mercy.  Things started to change for me when I realized that I have intrinsic worth and I did not deserve to be treated the way that I was.

Good for you for realizing all of this!  It's going to make you stronger and less likely to fall into this same kind of trap again.

[Samson1234@]

What do I do with this knowledge Educated Guess?

Someone told me to 'get therapy' but here in the UK if im really lucky the NHS might be able to offer two one hour sessions next easter haha


Are there any online resources to help me reflect on why I let her in and let her steamroll me?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Samson,

You're in the right place for resources!  Just look to the right of your screen at the articles and lessons as a starter.  I can highly recommend the two articles which helped me the most when I first arrived here.

The first explains the stages of a BPD r/s, which allowed me to understand better what had happened as the r/s developed.  It more or less outlines the phases of idealisation, devaluation and discard.  I'd be interested to know if any of this resonates with you. 

Then there is an article which helped me to process the differences in the perspectives of myself and my ex.  It also includes the ten beliefs that can keep us stuck.  You may recognise some of these.  Most of us do.  I referenced this more than any other article as I was healing.

Here are the links:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Let me know if these are helpful.  We also have a lot of other content and can help you to find what you're looking for.

Lastly, I'd encourage you to read and post in others' threads, as there is a wealth of experience and different perspectives here.  I learned so much from these boards.

Love and light x



 

[BreatheFirst]

Sorry I don't ha e any words of wisdom to add... .but nust wanted to say your post resonated with me. All those points you listed figured for me too. I think I rationalised  his rage away thinki g it was his hurt from the previous relationship and was afraid to pull him up on it lest it hurt him more. Thanjs for your post. Its helpful to read a similar experience.

[Samson1234@]

Thank you HQ!

Those articles were interesting to read and crikey that first one especially seemed to pretty much describe the relationship perfectly! Its actually a bit scary how well the relationship I had slotted into that generic scenario... .which makes the second article all the more sad

It kind of feels like having been played I guess, that although it was clearly toxic and I suppose abusive it meant a lot to me and I had had hopes for it, but that was never going to happen.

I suppose it also confirms really that I am weak and broken somehow to have allowed it.

BreatheFirst - so glad it helped! I too find it really encouraging to find others with the same story as mine, makes you realise you're not so much of a fool for falling for it and that you are not alone in dealing with it

[Samson1234@]

I broke my strict no contact today... .but i had to and it was for good reasons... .

Before we split up she had this car, she cant drive but she hoped to learn to and had bought this car two years ago. It was SORN (in the UK you need to pay a Government tax to drive on any public road but if for whatever reason a car won't be driven you can submit a Statutory Off Road Declaration and store it on private land - cops swoop on you in you drive a car whilst its SORN!) She was storing on a friends driveway but he was selling the house and so she had to move it and had nowhere to put it. Because she is out of work and needs money I said get it MOT'd (statutory requirement that a mechanic carries out certain tests to ensure a car meets minimum safety standards - required to get car insurance for your car in the UK) and delivered to mine after and i'd sell it for you from mine (its untaxed so cant be on a highway and I got land so it would be legal here). Then we split... .

The car is an issue for me, I see it every time I come home from work, like a stupid green stab in the heart! I had to message her today to ask if she would accept an offer £350 below the minimum she wanted to get for it (and thank god she did - so I can get rid!).

I was worried about messaging her as I have intentionally avoided messaging her at all, I haven't even been on facebook in two weeks just to avoid seeing her face on there.

Anyway very quickly I get the suggestion that when I give her the money we should go for a pint... .I ignored that but she is going down the road of lets be friends. I cant go there... .

Interestingly it was actually a good conversation for me I think, firstly because she asked me how i was, so I replied "i'm good, hope you are still all smiles" and she said "when do I ever smile?" - pity party - she smiles constantly! Then she said "its those perceptions again isn't it!"... .that's what she always said when she thinks im wrong but still appears to want to validate me, part of her passive aggressive attacks on me. Reminded me of her bad side bigtime!

Then she told me how she went to a festival at the weekend... .and in the next sentence said she is still selling her belongings to buy food and that she is "just existing"! The woman is out of work, not claiming benefits and is selling her possessions to make enough money to cover her rent and food for the next month... .but she goes to a 3 day festival! I replied saying it was nice that she still had enough spare money to spend on fun things and she said she paid £20 for her ticket and worked for free and spent a tenner on food - so she is facing homelessness and starvation yet will spend £30 on a festival... .and no doubt she also found enough money to buy a gurner or a bit of coke too!

So in all a fantastic reminder of her ability to make sensible positive decisions about her life - I know its rubbish in terms of no contact but that's coming next once she has the cash and the rest of her stuff back but it really gave me a much needed boost that im nearly on the right path here!

[once removed]

hi Samson1234,

to the poster it hurts but we all know its temporary so we basically just say nice meaningless things because really what can you say that would actually help?

a lot. sometimes, just having our pain acknowledged and validated, feeling heard, can go so far. we are all in various stages, but we are all in this together... .thats the strength of any good support group.

It kind of feels like having been played I guess, that although it was clearly toxic and I suppose abusive it meant a lot to me and I had had hopes for it, but that was never going to happen.

I suppose it also confirms really that I am weak and broken somehow to have allowed it.

i felt that way for a while, too. i think seeing it that way increased my suffering and obscured the ways in which my relationship broke down... .left me with more questions than answers. what my ex and i had was very real, but it was also, for a variety of reasons, ultimately not sustainable.

another member here put it to me this way: we dont go to the gym to "fix our broken bodies"... .we go to the gym to build our bodies into powerhouses. i encourage you to approach the work you do here in that way.

i dont think that i was played by my ex, or that i was somehow broken. i think my ex and i were two immature people, that together created a lot of dysfunction, and had a lot to learn, but also tried really hard to make it work. theres no shame in that; just lessons to be learned about myself and relationships... .stuff i didnt even know i didnt know.

thats all with the benefit of years of hindsight, of course. at the time, my pain was extreme. it gets better. my advice is to really work those lessons to the right, starting with the stages of grief and taking good care of yourself.